14.4.17

I've been having anxiety for the past three days
It happens after coffee, so I'm blaming that
I had a panic attack in the bathroom
I melted on the floor
And my breath turned shallow and small

Men are so pathetically thirsty here

Worshiping 


Cashmere says small things
He called me yung cutie
And it really just made me die

They call me Russian goddess, I loathe it

Went downstairs just now and had another panic attack
They're this melting kind
Silent
Slow
Melting

Everything becomes bright
I have to hide my face and close my eyes

Cashmere wants to move in together
I like him all tha wei
We didn't talk for months
I don't know why he came back
Or why he wants to live with me
Or why he's talking about loving on me

How did it happen?
How does he know he wants to live with me.

I know that it seems like such a thing
To move back to Ny and just move in with a man
But I like him all tha wei
And I will devote myself to him as much as he allows me to

I feel like this is the biggest blessing and gift

But how did it happen

5.4.17

Nino's brother was found dead























My stomach is sick


Tears are instant 








































Of all people

30.1.17

People always bring up my nude lifestyle whether it’s in real life or my social media. I find that in most cases, it’s women whom are telling me that they love it and that it inspires them, but with a lot of men, I get a lot of shit said with creepy side smirks about how I love being naked and sexual, huh? I’ve had men tell me that by acting this way, I will never get a man, and my response to that was why would you think that I was doing this for men?
I’ve been posting sexual photos since I was 11 when I got myspace, and started posing nude when I was 15 granted that is highly inappropriate, and as much as I wanted to argue, I was a child. But the thing is that I’ve always had this impulse, and I’ve never thought about why until men started asking me or causing for me to have to argue for myself.
It’s confusing because there’s actually multiple reasons, and they don’t all pertain to each photograph or statement. It’s all situational and based on mood. There’s the fact that we are all born naked into this flesh mobile that we got to drive and take care of until it dies, and for me, I see it in a very nonsexual way when it comes to that. I used to get in trouble when I was little because I would always talk my little brother into getting naked with me and running around in the yard, but my mom would always worry he would get a cold. There’s something about fresh air on your skin that gives me so much energy and it just feels so good, and I still run around naked when I can like don’t come over to my house unless you’re down lol everyone takes something off when they come over it’s called relaxing.
There’s also this child like trolling with nudity that is a big part why I expose myself a lot. It’s like when I was a little girl, and my parents would make me wear dresses or skirts, and I would lift them up to show my stuff and laugh just because it was bad! Just because it would drive my mom crazy, and then for years, I wasn’t allowed to wear them at all because I couldn’t be appropriate or sit with my legs closed ever it’s still a problem lol I’m a big man spreader, sorry. That’s a big part behind my instagram and Facebook nudes because they’re not allowed and I think that’s bogus, so I’m be like the little kid I always been and put it up.
In the beginning when I was younger, I hated my body. I was overweight and frozen in shame by that. At first, I would post pictures of my body even though I hated it because I felt like I had to expose myself as my truth and accept it. This is my body, and even though i don’t like it…. this is my body. I’ve had eating disorder issues for the past 8 years, and taking pictures of my body and posting them has helped me with accepting it as it is and owning it for what it is. I also feel like it’s a part of self documentation. Especially ranging from when you start puberty to the end of our twenties, or bodies are changing so much, and I think seeing it’s development and growth through images has been very interesting. It’s a study of myself. 
There’s also a more serious side to things where I was sexualized very young as a child and was molested from a super young age, also things have continued to happen throughout my life, and I sometimes can’t help but to feel burdened by being born female and in this visually sexual body. I am an extremely intelligent person and very talented in many things, and I also feel like I am quite psychologically awakened, but for many people, all of that doesn’t exist because of my physical appearance or the way my tequila ass drops on the dance floor. I remember when I was really young like around the age of 10, I noticed how older men treated young girls, and how boys and girls learned from that, and I made the decision to fuck men instead of being fucked by men. And that’s a big part of how my blatant sexuality was born. It’s become more matured with age, I feel, but a lot of it is sexualizing and objectifying myself and having control over that rather than being sexualized and objectified without my consent. I had an argument with a man about this, and he said that I did not have control over that as anyone can see my pictures, but my response to that was lol they can see my pictures because I PUT THEM THERE. Yall get to see me naked because I’m the one that allowed you to. 
Sometimes I feel like why do I even have to explain myself! Like who cares! Who cares if I’m naked in a picture online how does this ruin your life why is it an issue like you’re naked too, you just have a shirt over your nudity we’re all naked even if you keepin it secret. I moved to Berlin recently, and they way older people look at me here is with disgust like I am poisoning the planet with my whore body when all I’m doing is showing my belly button or NOT EVEN I’m fully covered, but I’m still somehow to be ashamed of myself. And the thing is that these people are extremely rude, and it boggles me because little did all you know I’m like the nicest person and you’re bullying the wrong kid here. It seems like the world is so judgmental on appearance when I feel like we should be judging people on character. When I lived in New York, the men are so aggressive with their cat calling out there I have been grabbed on the street so many times, and that’s really the one thing that gets to me is physically getting in the way of my safety. Just because it’s like one million degrees out and the air weighs a ton, so my sweaty ass is exposing a lot of skin, I lose my right to consent? You just get to grab me, then? I’m from California, too, and when I go home to visit, people look at me in a similar way to that of those in Germany, but in a passive way because it’s America, and all I can really think is that’s not very hippie of you. Yall ought to rip off your keep Santa Cruz weird bumper stickers if you’re only going to fight for one exclusive version of weird.  
The thing is that you’re going to lose anyway. Once I realized that, I felt a big weight off my shoulders as I just started to live as myself and by my own morals. As long as you’re a good person and aren’t harming anyone, be free.

26.11.16

Man
I'm pretty bitter at my friends
like all of them
I've expressed what is going on with me
and like no one is really
Like most of it is that I'm not coming to them
but I guess it's mostly Nino
like I have tried to talk to him about what is going on
and how I'm feeling
and most the time he just doesn't respond
I'm feeling bitter towards him about it
I just feel like
I never really need anyone to get myself thru shit
but the time has come that I do need a lot of suppourt
and I don't really see it from a lot of the people
that I have given a lot to 

I don't know

16.11.16

My FUCKING MOM
Jesus fucking christ dude
We both could not go to sleep last night
I went to sleep around 5:00
And our alarms start going off at 8
So around 8:30 she says from her room
Masha, I depend on you to make coffee
I say okay and shove myself out of bed
I get all the shit together
The water boils
I pour the water in the french press
Wash two cups for us
and I go chill in my room for a sec while it steeps
And she just bitches at me from her room
like make the coffee make the coffee
excuse me, I kno you hear me walking around the house and bustin in the kitchen
I said I did it's steeping
then I go into the kitchen and am putting her coffee in her cup
And she's bitching about me making the coffee
LIKE HOLD ON
I bring it to her and she like
jolts up in her bed
did you do the dishes
I said did you ask me too
she yells I DON'T HAVE TO ASK YOU TO
and I jus close the door an tell her to stay quiet
and she's sitting in there
sipping her fucking coffee
mumbling shit about me
it's like this every fucking morning
it's been twenty days of this
every fucking morning
I feel like rude saying this
but she's coming back with me to Berlin
and is going to be there for four days
but I'm like
just holding my breath until I'm back into my own house
and free to live 
and those four days 
are just like
fuuuuuuuck whyyyyyyy
this is way too long to be 24/7 with your mother

I want to say shit to her like
bitch keep a journal you talk too much shit

14.11.16

Every morning begins with screaming 

.

In the midst of all of this 
Avi has been in a coma since October 27th
There's only a little part of her left brain 
And the right is completely gone 
Even if she wakes up
She won't be able to speak or walk 
And she has a little girl

And here I am wishing to kill myself 

The night that Eli died 
I was wishing to kill myself 

This is all so daunting 
And such a mess
I don't know how to react
Or how to take anything 

141116

So 
I'm coming to a lot of understandings
This whole time, I thought that I talked about my issues
Because I was working on them
Or accepting them
But I realize it's that I'm obsessed
I'm just so obsessed with these things that happened
And I relate everything to them
My conversations
What people do
I walk around the world just thinking about these things
And I'm feeding them
And keeping them present with this
I need to be present
And be in my current life

And sometimes, I act like a martyr
Esp for poc
Like I'm going to save everything
Like I'm going to end racism
I feel like I'm more focused on my voice 
And getting attention for my voice so that everybody knows that I'm not racist and that I will stand against racism
When what I really need to do is be a suppourt to their fight
And I feel really ashamed of that
Because of all things I didn't want to do
I didn't want to take anything away from them
Like 
Fucking that's what white people do!
And I am a part of that!
I'm really disappointed in myself!
Snax has sent me articles about being an ally
And they have really been teaching me
And I'm really grateful for her patience
I need to apply what I have learned

Also, I am so irrational with my emotions right now
I just am so sensitive that I've become bitter
And resentful
and angry
and I sometimes put those emotions in the wrong places
and I constantly express myself as a victim
I think because when I was younger,
none of these things were validated
but they are validated now
and I can calm down

I've been also selfish
with my possessions
when everyone is so sharing with me
I'm also selfish with my thoughts at times
I'm so focused on myself and my issues
I don't have the attention span for people
like when they talk,
it's like I'm holding onto the cliff of a mountain
trying to pay attention
why do I need so much suppourt 
but don't reciprocate
I'm like obsessed with myself
in all ways 
I'm just obsessed with what's wrong
or making things wrong
and having everyone come to be about that

I think that I need to 
step back
from myself and from everyone
I need to become more private
I don't think that I should expect things from people
Just because I would give things to them

It's really weak to say
but I wish I could kill myself
I know it's going to get better
but I just wish I could
decide to give up
and then life would just end
like
go black
I don't want the act of killing myself
I just want to give up
and have this be it
I think that life has gone too far
and too many bad things have happened
and I am too much
and doing it wrong
and handling everything wrong














12.9.16

I can't live quiet
I don't want to live quiet 
I don't want to cater to
The possibility 
Of upsetting neighbors 

I don't want to cater to 
The possibility 
Of upsetting the public 

I don't want to 
Live a certain way 
Just because you do 

If you're embarrassed 
Then don't be here 

If you care
Then don't act that way 

13.6.16

"Masha's doing fine except for eating"

14.4.16

God damnit I'm starving again
I haven't felt my hip bones like this in so long
I don't like the way my body looks
But I don't like the way that food makes me feel sick 

2.2.16

You can be a piss
But don't piss on me

18.12.15

It turns out that my brother has been on heroin this whole time 
I think that he's going to kill himself 
I always felt like he would 

23.11.15

Oh everything changes
I feel as if the phases overturn more quickly these past years especially this one
I wonder if that really is the case or that I am just more aware now.
Eloy still comes back.
He's in love with this girl, Mercedes
It seems that she really cares for him, too
Because she mad dogged me last year when he and I were in the thick of sharing sheets
He introduced her as a friend
I forget how he introduced me
And I saw her recently after I slept with him again this year
It was the same, and E acted odd towards me
I had to grab his shoulder to say hello
He acted similar the time I met her last year
I think that he comes back when she won't take him
He messages me on Fb which I think is maybe him being eggy
And he says "Can I see you"
And I feel like he could just text and say hey wanna hang
Instead of making it sound like
Like I'm the other woman
We were hanging out as friends
He slept over, and we had different blankets, and he didn't try
I liked that since I had been raped recently before that
But I like sleeping next to each other
It's an old comfort.
The second time, I cried a lot about the rape it had finally hit me
And we had sex
Upon his instigation
And that's when I saw him two days later with M
I think that if he loves her, and she cares, they should be happy
I don't want to do things with him if this beautiful woman is going to be negatively affected
And I am, as well, because he now acts differently towards me once again
Unresponsive and the lack of communication
We spoke about how it's really great that we're friends, and we are both happy.
He was in my life in a different way that he had been
Attentive as a friend
But his retreat back to old interactions has left me viewing him as weak and lost
In a way that I don't
That maybe I judge
I think it's fueled by resentment

My body is depressed it has seeped into my mind
The sun don't shine in my room; I don't wake
I am gluttonous, and it leaves me with a physical mass that is heavy to carry
Sluggish
I am attempting to resolve this

I got tested and went to the gyno everything is fine
But my smell is off
It's not bad
It's just not mine
And I had a yeast infection from slug man
I took care of that
But maybe it's minimally there?
I'm taking probiotics to even out my body

I'm working on the haus to change myself

I'm sleeping with this rapper, Garrison Black
He is beautiful, he likes me a lot
I like my power in that
I don't make it easy
I don't try to
I naturally do so
Our brainwaves don't collide in the way that I imagine myself to reciprocate any emotions
Maybe tho
I think that he isn't passive enough like other men to let me easily hurt him
The birth chart between us says that we'll be strong in sexuality, but there will be violence
I don't want to tell anyone because I don't want them to be wary
Or to pre assume such
Or to dislike him
It's just horoscope
I just didn't like reading that

I haven't worked on my art in a moment
I am aware of that
I am aware that I don't like that

I take adderall or vyvanse almost every day
I like it so what
I don't think I'm addicted?
There's a difference between the lifestyle of things and the need for them
I do notice a difference in my personality and energy
but I like it so what

I starved for two months from it
Was the first time that I did it on accident
Without an attempt to uphold
And without the happiness from it
Looking in the mirror, I saw my body sad
I didn't like being "thin"
Thin for my body is different
It looks normal, but my bones are very protruding
And my face gets very sunken in
I think that my structure enhances these things

Since I have decided to move to Berlin,
I am no longer in love with New York
If I didn't have this amazing apartment with N00gah,
I would most likely feel caged

I am caging myself, though
Stuck in Claud Haus
It always does this

I have been writing so much poetry I think it's all so good
I am working on a few freestyles
I am working on an oil painting
And a charcoal drawing of my favourite corpse

I'm trying to get a nanny job

Life is so different
I drive myself crazy sometimes looking for troubles
And the change from summer to fall and now fall to winter
Brings contemplation and always this darkness over
The bad

It doesn't help that I'm
Not mundane
But so calm
I don't drink much at all
It's the adderall