30.11.17

I don’t want to be in this mans room anymore 
Not that anything is bad 
It’s just that I know I don’t care 

Hm but might as well have sex
I would love it 

I hate condoms
But he has coconut oil by the bed

Okay fine

28.11.17

I met Jules
We had 22 days together
He affected my life
I will always have love for him
and I am so grateful for how lucky I am to have met him
And that we got to have such a beautiful time together
my heart aches so much
It's gone too far
at this point, I am sick
I am sick
and I'm so fragile right now

I'm going back to trauma therapy
I was going to wait until my dad died
to deal with this mystery
surrounding whether he sexually abused me or not

I just worry that I won't be able to look at him again
but I hope that the therapy will help me to actually deal with this and carry it in a healthier way
maybe it will make my relationship with my dad better


I fucked up
I'm so fucked up
I keep thinking I'm swallowing this down
But it keeps coming back
Things keep triggering it

I forgot my dad's birthday
his 75th birthday
he spent his birthday alone
he just saw his physical trainer
and the dude at tha desk sang him happy birthday

i just feel so horrible I'm so confused
like I feel sick inside from
just being in California that whole month in his house was so mentally disturbing to me
it brought back this paranoia that i have in his house
like i'm always being watched like i can't be alone
i feel like i have to whisper even in the backyard
I feel like the shadows are still hiding in the bushes for me
and in the darkness 
in the kitchen
and I feel the fear of footsteps
and my bedroom door opening
i was just in constant fear there
even though none of that stuff is happening anymore
I think just being in that house, I feel the way i used to 
so unsafe

I feel like that paranoia buzzed my brain
I feel like it poured vinegar straight onto my brain

but I feel so guilty
because my dad is nice now
and he's old
and he's mortal
and he's physically just smaller and weaker
and he just like 
we just see the summation of his life
and it's this loneliness 
and this mental like
i feel like he diseased himself 
by suppressing things
i guess it's also the time he grew up
where people swallowed pain
and hid their truths 
lived only as an image

it's so sad
and he's a lonely person
he talks all the time about how he has no one
and I feel like he think he's a victim
that the world doesn't like him
but that's not why people don't have friends

he can't be vulnerable
so that's why no one has stuck probably 
you can't keep people long term when it's just happy surface shit
they will fade away

but i have this deep guilt
like i always have
that i ruined his life
i have this guilt for forever being upset about what he did
he wants to let go of it, but i can't
he's never apologized or even admitted to doing 



















4.11.17

I'm super fucked up I'll explain later

14.4.17

I've been having anxiety for the past three days
It happens after coffee, so I'm blaming that
I had a panic attack in the bathroom
I melted on the floor
And my breath turned shallow and small

Men are so pathetically thirsty here

Worshiping 


Cashmere says small things
He called me yung cutie
And it really just made me die

They call me Russian goddess, I loathe it

Went downstairs just now and had another panic attack
They're this melting kind
Silent
Slow
Melting

Everything becomes bright
I have to hide my face and close my eyes

Cashmere wants to move in together
I like him all tha wei
We didn't talk for months
I don't know why he came back
Or why he wants to live with me
Or why he's talking about loving on me

How did it happen?
How does he know he wants to live with me.

I know that it seems like such a thing
To move back to Ny and just move in with a man
But I like him all tha wei
And I will devote myself to him as much as he allows me to

I feel like this is the biggest blessing and gift

But how did it happen

5.4.17

Nino's brother was found dead























My stomach is sick


Tears are instant 








































Of all people

30.1.17

People always bring up my nude lifestyle whether it’s in real life or my social media. I find that in most cases, it’s women whom are telling me that they love it and that it inspires them, but with a lot of men, I get a lot of shit said with creepy side smirks about how I love being naked and sexual, huh? I’ve had men tell me that by acting this way, I will never get a man, and my response to that was why would you think that I was doing this for men?
I’ve been posting sexual photos since I was 11 when I got myspace, and started posing nude when I was 15 granted that is highly inappropriate, and as much as I wanted to argue, I was a child. But the thing is that I’ve always had this impulse, and I’ve never thought about why until men started asking me or causing for me to have to argue for myself.
It’s confusing because there’s actually multiple reasons, and they don’t all pertain to each photograph or statement. It’s all situational and based on mood. There’s the fact that we are all born naked into this flesh mobile that we got to drive and take care of until it dies, and for me, I see it in a very nonsexual way when it comes to that. I used to get in trouble when I was little because I would always talk my little brother into getting naked with me and running around in the yard, but my mom would always worry he would get a cold. There’s something about fresh air on your skin that gives me so much energy and it just feels so good, and I still run around naked when I can like don’t come over to my house unless you’re down lol everyone takes something off when they come over it’s called relaxing.
There’s also this child like trolling with nudity that is a big part why I expose myself a lot. It’s like when I was a little girl, and my parents would make me wear dresses or skirts, and I would lift them up to show my stuff and laugh just because it was bad! Just because it would drive my mom crazy, and then for years, I wasn’t allowed to wear them at all because I couldn’t be appropriate or sit with my legs closed ever it’s still a problem lol I’m a big man spreader, sorry. That’s a big part behind my instagram and Facebook nudes because they’re not allowed and I think that’s bogus, so I’m be like the little kid I always been and put it up.
In the beginning when I was younger, I hated my body. I was overweight and frozen in shame by that. At first, I would post pictures of my body even though I hated it because I felt like I had to expose myself as my truth and accept it. This is my body, and even though i don’t like it…. this is my body. I’ve had eating disorder issues for the past 8 years, and taking pictures of my body and posting them has helped me with accepting it as it is and owning it for what it is. I also feel like it’s a part of self documentation. Especially ranging from when you start puberty to the end of our twenties, or bodies are changing so much, and I think seeing it’s development and growth through images has been very interesting. It’s a study of myself. 
There’s also a more serious side to things where I was sexualized very young as a child and was molested from a super young age, also things have continued to happen throughout my life, and I sometimes can’t help but to feel burdened by being born female and in this visually sexual body. I am an extremely intelligent person and very talented in many things, and I also feel like I am quite psychologically awakened, but for many people, all of that doesn’t exist because of my physical appearance or the way my tequila ass drops on the dance floor. I remember when I was really young like around the age of 10, I noticed how older men treated young girls, and how boys and girls learned from that, and I made the decision to fuck men instead of being fucked by men. And that’s a big part of how my blatant sexuality was born. It’s become more matured with age, I feel, but a lot of it is sexualizing and objectifying myself and having control over that rather than being sexualized and objectified without my consent. I had an argument with a man about this, and he said that I did not have control over that as anyone can see my pictures, but my response to that was lol they can see my pictures because I PUT THEM THERE. Yall get to see me naked because I’m the one that allowed you to. 
Sometimes I feel like why do I even have to explain myself! Like who cares! Who cares if I’m naked in a picture online how does this ruin your life why is it an issue like you’re naked too, you just have a shirt over your nudity we’re all naked even if you keepin it secret. I moved to Berlin recently, and they way older people look at me here is with disgust like I am poisoning the planet with my whore body when all I’m doing is showing my belly button or NOT EVEN I’m fully covered, but I’m still somehow to be ashamed of myself. And the thing is that these people are extremely rude, and it boggles me because little did all you know I’m like the nicest person and you’re bullying the wrong kid here. It seems like the world is so judgmental on appearance when I feel like we should be judging people on character. When I lived in New York, the men are so aggressive with their cat calling out there I have been grabbed on the street so many times, and that’s really the one thing that gets to me is physically getting in the way of my safety. Just because it’s like one million degrees out and the air weighs a ton, so my sweaty ass is exposing a lot of skin, I lose my right to consent? You just get to grab me, then? I’m from California, too, and when I go home to visit, people look at me in a similar way to that of those in Germany, but in a passive way because it’s America, and all I can really think is that’s not very hippie of you. Yall ought to rip off your keep Santa Cruz weird bumper stickers if you’re only going to fight for one exclusive version of weird.  
The thing is that you’re going to lose anyway. Once I realized that, I felt a big weight off my shoulders as I just started to live as myself and by my own morals. As long as you’re a good person and aren’t harming anyone, be free.

26.11.16

Man
I'm pretty bitter at my friends
like all of them
I've expressed what is going on with me
and like no one is really
Like most of it is that I'm not coming to them
but I guess it's mostly Nino
like I have tried to talk to him about what is going on
and how I'm feeling
and most the time he just doesn't respond
I'm feeling bitter towards him about it
I just feel like
I never really need anyone to get myself thru shit
but the time has come that I do need a lot of suppourt
and I don't really see it from a lot of the people
that I have given a lot to 

I don't know

16.11.16

My FUCKING MOM
Jesus fucking christ dude
We both could not go to sleep last night
I went to sleep around 5:00
And our alarms start going off at 8
So around 8:30 she says from her room
Masha, I depend on you to make coffee
I say okay and shove myself out of bed
I get all the shit together
The water boils
I pour the water in the french press
Wash two cups for us
and I go chill in my room for a sec while it steeps
And she just bitches at me from her room
like make the coffee make the coffee
excuse me, I kno you hear me walking around the house and bustin in the kitchen
I said I did it's steeping
then I go into the kitchen and am putting her coffee in her cup
And she's bitching about me making the coffee
LIKE HOLD ON
I bring it to her and she like
jolts up in her bed
did you do the dishes
I said did you ask me too
she yells I DON'T HAVE TO ASK YOU TO
and I jus close the door an tell her to stay quiet
and she's sitting in there
sipping her fucking coffee
mumbling shit about me
it's like this every fucking morning
it's been twenty days of this
every fucking morning
I feel like rude saying this
but she's coming back with me to Berlin
and is going to be there for four days
but I'm like
just holding my breath until I'm back into my own house
and free to live 
and those four days 
are just like
fuuuuuuuck whyyyyyyy
this is way too long to be 24/7 with your mother

I want to say shit to her like
bitch keep a journal you talk too much shit

14.11.16

Every morning begins with screaming 

.

In the midst of all of this 
Avi has been in a coma since October 27th
There's only a little part of her left brain 
And the right is completely gone 
Even if she wakes up
She won't be able to speak or walk 
And she has a little girl

And here I am wishing to kill myself 

The night that Eli died 
I was wishing to kill myself 

This is all so daunting 
And such a mess
I don't know how to react
Or how to take anything 

141116

So 
I'm coming to a lot of understandings
This whole time, I thought that I talked about my issues
Because I was working on them
Or accepting them
But I realize it's that I'm obsessed
I'm just so obsessed with these things that happened
And I relate everything to them
My conversations
What people do
I walk around the world just thinking about these things
And I'm feeding them
And keeping them present with this
I need to be present
And be in my current life

And sometimes, I act like a martyr
Esp for poc
Like I'm going to save everything
Like I'm going to end racism
I feel like I'm more focused on my voice 
And getting attention for my voice so that everybody knows that I'm not racist and that I will stand against racism
When what I really need to do is be a suppourt to their fight
And I feel really ashamed of that
Because of all things I didn't want to do
I didn't want to take anything away from them
Like 
Fucking that's what white people do!
And I am a part of that!
I'm really disappointed in myself!
Snax has sent me articles about being an ally
And they have really been teaching me
And I'm really grateful for her patience
I need to apply what I have learned

Also, I am so irrational with my emotions right now
I just am so sensitive that I've become bitter
And resentful
and angry
and I sometimes put those emotions in the wrong places
and I constantly express myself as a victim
I think because when I was younger,
none of these things were validated
but they are validated now
and I can calm down

I've been also selfish
with my possessions
when everyone is so sharing with me
I'm also selfish with my thoughts at times
I'm so focused on myself and my issues
I don't have the attention span for people
like when they talk,
it's like I'm holding onto the cliff of a mountain
trying to pay attention
why do I need so much suppourt 
but don't reciprocate
I'm like obsessed with myself
in all ways 
I'm just obsessed with what's wrong
or making things wrong
and having everyone come to be about that

I think that I need to 
step back
from myself and from everyone
I need to become more private
I don't think that I should expect things from people
Just because I would give things to them

It's really weak to say
but I wish I could kill myself
I know it's going to get better
but I just wish I could
decide to give up
and then life would just end
like
go black
I don't want the act of killing myself
I just want to give up
and have this be it
I think that life has gone too far
and too many bad things have happened
and I am too much
and doing it wrong
and handling everything wrong














12.9.16

I can't live quiet
I don't want to live quiet 
I don't want to cater to
The possibility 
Of upsetting neighbors 

I don't want to cater to 
The possibility 
Of upsetting the public 

I don't want to 
Live a certain way 
Just because you do 

If you're embarrassed 
Then don't be here 

If you care
Then don't act that way