29.12.09

Cocaine.

Fuck.












I always have heart problems.

But I love you too much.
You.
Silver.
Snake.

24.12.09

Cocaine.

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Can't Stop.

I'm embarrassed.











Shhh.

23.12.09

Sam.

Oh, Sam.

20.12.09

I Feel Like We Were Meant To Be Together.

Maybe I'll believe you one day.

17.12.09

Vodka.

I know my Dad is going to kill himself.
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Vodka.

Seeing him tonight.












I'm an alcoholic.





I will not stop.

15.12.09

Carcass.

He hasn't talked to me for three days.




Fuck it.

11.12.09

All.

My mind.
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.

10.12.09

Devil.

Need.
It.
Now.
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So.
Big.
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Almost.
Afraid.

Sam.

Boyfriend.
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8.12.09

Cocaine.

Mike called.

Wants to come over.

And bring these friends.














He used to always call and bring people over.
I feel like I'm just this house that he can do whatever he wants in.

And it just so happens there's a girl there.
That he can do Cocaine with and have sex with.

I don't like having sex with him.
And I won't.

And I'm not supposed to do Cocaine anymore.
So, I shouldn't let him come over?

I turned down Sam tonight because I felt sick.
But I feel better now, and his phone's on silent.
And he isn't responding.

I think I'm going to be with him.

7.12.09

Folsom.

I have this memory.
Of strip truth or dare.
And there were limbs everywhere.

I started to run from them,
and they all followed me.
Through all of the rooms.

And I lay down on this couch.
And there were hands floating all above me.
It was supposed to be fun.

But I thought it was real.

So.


I lie to myself and make myself believe that no one ever likes me.

I had a dream that my dad was dead.
And I couldn't stop crying.

I can't look at his face anymore.
I've been a horrible person.

The last numbers of my social are the same as my Grandfather's.

I don't want to think about it.

This guy I met...
I met him on Halloween.
He kept asking me to dance,
But the guy I was dancing with wouldn't let me go.
It was like one of those stupid, cliche' scenes
Where both the guys were pulling at my arms,
Except the guy I wasn't dancing with wasn't really a part of it.
He got my number before I got kicked out,
But I had so much Armenian Cognac,
I knew the numbers,
But not where they went.

Ashley invited me to Oasis this weekend.
She said that her boyfriend's brother was attracted to me.
And then he came,
And it was funny.
He got all excited when he saw me,
But I didn't talk much.
His brother bought me drinks,
And I went and danced with the guy.
Some chick was trying to get me,
But... whatever.
He got tired before I did.
I don't know what happens after about two shots,
But I can dance forever.

He just had his arms around me all night.
And that was too fast.
It was like I was his girlfriend.
He kept leaving to do some business with other Armenians.
And just left me there.
But I liked it because I don't want to be treated toooooo well.

We went to a hookah lounge after.
This black chick tried to get at me.
And this other Armenian guy was...I don't know.

We went back to their place to watch a movie.
I told him I'd let him kiss me once that night.
But I have problems with touching people.
He kept putting his hand between my legs.
But I kept taking it away.
He said he liked it that I wouldn't let him do things.
Heh.

I don't know.
Maybe.

I should be with someone just to understand it.

I suppose I just expect that I'll find a guy who's like me.
But I don't think that's going to happen.
And I'll just.
Do.

He speaks Russian, Armenian, Spanish, and English.
He wants to teach me how to drive,
But I'll just embarrass myself and kill everyone.

His body was comfortable.

He told me that on Halloween,
There were like five guys after me,
And that's why he never got a chance to talk to me.
It made me laugh,
I don't notice those things.

This weekend, though.
There were a lot trying to get to know me.
But I'm too shy.

My friends are always excited to introduce me to their friends.
And they think I'm going to be this really interesting and fun person.
But I can't act like myself, and I don't talk.

Melissa brings up that I do Cocaine sometimes,
And she makes me look like I'm lost in this world.
And she brings up that I sleep with people.
And I just look like a whore everywhere.

I gave up on trying to make myself look good.
People will find out one day when they talk to me on their own.


I met this other guy.
He's 28, though.'
And has a kid.
But.

Yeah.


Cps has been calling my phone for months.



I found out Ashley did the same thing.
Hers was worse, though.
I've never met anyone who had it as good as I did.

6.12.09

Cocaine.

Sitting in my desk drawer.



I met an Armenian boy.







I'm teaching myself bar chords.

2.12.09

Rotten.

Goodbye.
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You....
Waste.

1.12.09

Cocaine.

This is really embarrassing.

And that's why I'm typing it here.

But, I am so good at giving head.
I can deep throat anything.
Like.
I amazed myself.
I don't know how it happened.
But one day,
I could do it.
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I don't want people to know.
It makes it seem like I suck dick for a living.
It makes it seem like I'm a huge whore.

[By the way, It's a carrot]


No one can know.














When I have a boyfriend,
He will.

Love.
Me.

30.11.09

Cocaine.

Mike's coming over.





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Body Lines.










27.11.09

Happy.

Birthday.



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26.11.09

Cocaine.

I'm going to be eighteen.
I'm going to trust people.
I'm going to respect myself.
I'm going to take depression meds.
I'm going to quit most drugs.
I'm going to have a healthy sex life.

I'm not going to isolate myself.
I'm not going to disappear for weeks.
I'm not going to hate everyone.
I'm not going to eat much.
I'm not going to limit myself.

I want to meet someone.
Who I can tell.


About.
What happened.

And when I tell them,
I'm not going to laugh this time.

I'm going to......
Be vulnerable.

I don't know if anyone sees me like that.
Everyone puts themselves below me.
Everyone thinks I'm so strong and brilliant.
Everyone trusts everything I say.
And they take my advice like it's gold.

I don't understand why they think I'm special.


I think.















Molested.
Raped.
Prostituted.

Revelry.

I don't want to turn eighteen.

No on is going to care about me.

I'm not going to be special anymore.

I'm going to be like the rest of them.

I'm not going to be interesting.

I'm going to be alone.



Once I turn eighteen,
I can't run around destroying myself anymore.
I don't know how to end that.

Once I turn eighteen,
I am society.

I don't know how to grow up.

I'm not going to make it.
I'm not smart enough.

I don't like people.
I can't be happy.

I hate.
I fucking hate.
Depression.

I'm not normal.
I don't understand life like people do.
I think too much.


I feel like.
I'm afraid I'll kill myself once I realize I'm eighteen.


I will become invisible.


Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.


Alone.

I'm afraid of that word.

25.11.09

Kenny.

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Please don't go to the military.
I already miss you.

DeMarini.

Mashka

interesting

the first time I look at anyone,
I ask myself if I could love them.

15:12Alex

hmm

whatd you see in me haha

15:13Mashka

I thought I could make you

15:21Alex

make me what?

15:21Mashka

fall in love easily

15:22Alex

i could

15:22Mashka

I know

15:22Alex

do you love me?

15:23Mashka

As a person.

15:23Alex

not romantically though

15:23Mashka

I don't know if I'll ever achieve that before I die.

Harrison.

I.
Met another guy.
I slept in his bed.
I liked talking to him.
We'll see how things go.
Sober.






I wasn't scared in the bed this time.
I like sleeping with a guy in the same bed.
Even if nothing happens.
It's.

I don't know.


I think I may be trusting people a little more.



I think I'm beginning to get over.
All of the degration.

I feel like.
My body isn't what happened anymore.




If people ask....
I'll just tell them I had a weird childhood.













I want to start having sex again.




I don't like food.
I don't care.














































I miss my guitar.
I sleep in bed with him.