30.6.09

Pregnant With Doubt

you know,
my moods fluctuate so greatly
I'm so
weak
if something goes wrong,
I plan my death quickly
I wanted an oversdose today

Grace told me
and then
I didn't know what to do with myself
I always know it's bad when I cry right when I wake up
just feel like it's a hard thing to do
to have high emotions upon arising

I took all my clothes off
and just layed there naked
I felt like
like everything had to get off of me
and I just cried

I called her later
evening
we can't do it
we'll keep it behind doors for now

what a foughten friendship
I would have given up if it wasn't all I had

and I realized that today
I have nothing but my friendship with her

I have put all my soul and heart into that

Justin is comming back
party at his place wednesday
I think I'll put some effort into him

I was supposed to hang out with the Russians today
but they made no effort
and I, therefore gave none

They can contact me at this point

despite how
I wanted that one

Shelby will join me Wednesday evening
I can not wait to lose my mind
sobriety for two days now?
I can't even count
I feel
restless
I always text people I don't care about
when I want drugs
simply because I hope they can give them

I do not feel self destructive now that our friendship is back on track
I feel like
finding someone beautiful

I talked to my ex- fiance

he's kind of with my friend, now
and
we talked today
he actually started the conversation
and here, I still think it's just
nothing to him
but we talked about
what beautiful movies we've seen
and the other needs to see
again

prostitute movies
he lived like I did

he said he may still come visit me

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and
I think I would love that
I think he would make me happy

but I can't think that way
what if he finds that out

too vulnerable

shhhhhh

29.6.09

Grace

My mom is going to get Grace arrested
If we hang out



I can't see Grace anymore


I will not speak to my mother
for years

28.6.09

Job

I'm working for a man
[stock]sotw24 Pictures, Images and Photos
I'm going to clean for him
cook for him
and help him shop

7pm to 9pm
10.40 an hour


MONEY!


he's a horney one
he smokes weed
he's confined to a wheel chair
he has a hard time talking
I have a hard time understanding
but I'll catch on

I just hope I can cook okay

Symphony

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I walked around in this man's shirt I found
with my bikini under
I looked like such a little hooker whore
and I loved it


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My Mother's wedding bouquet
haha
It looks like I have a moostache
It's just my silly smile



27.6.09

Those Who Love Me

nude tanning on balcony
old man staring at me


Photobucket


I'm trying to rid myself of silly tan lines

Destroyed

Grace left a mess
gum in carpet
beer all over yard
cigarette butts
boy in my parent's room
or so Ramona says
I called grace eventually
she was cleaning all night
and only a couple were left out
because no one would leave until 4 am
no one slept in my parent's room
she did her best
I was so fucking pissed

and my mother
she got married yesterday
and wakes up to this
she is
raging
loathes me so thickly

she hates Grace again

:c

I just
you know,
and I'm so numb
something's wrong with me
It's what happened
when I was six
it rid me of my empathy

when sexual or violent things happen at a young age
they grow up without empathy

my mother sits there
telling me I love no one
I use her for money and fun
called Grace scum
white trash

I don't know
I love people
I love my mom,
my brother
Grace,
and my dad

I can't love further than that
I remember
that Russian boy
the first night
he just wanted to cuddle with me
he didn't want anything more
but to just hold me
and I just
I didn't want it for some reason
it felt so good to be there with him,
but I had this anxiety
and I left
and he asked me why I couldn't look him in the eyes,
and I don't know

it's not because of what I'll see when I look at them
it's what they'll see
I don't want people to know

If I look straight at someone,
they'll know

they'll know things happened
they'll know I'm filthy
and degraded
and a whore

they'll know I hate myself
they'll know I have no innocence

I want to try something new
I want to be a little girl
I want a drop
a taste

of that freedom
of no worry

I have such fear to release myself to another human being
and I have done that with two
my brother
and Grace
and therefore,
I can not live without them
one dies,

and I will follow



I want to try belonging to someone
and having someone belong to me

I've done a pretty good job at this sex thing
I've been trying for a month and a half
and I've had sex with four people
hahah
ahhhhh
but,
that's so great compared to
13 in three months and a half

holy shit




in the hotel
fire alarm
naked in a towel
must run out
hahah
that was fun


I truly enjoy being nude, though
I think I'm a sag of fat sometimes,
but at this point,
I just punnish people by making them look at it
I just shove it in people's faces
to punnish my body
embarass it
because it's not like
me and my body are one
It's this
spoiled little bitch

and it will pay

Filthy Arm Fat

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The Burden Of My Life

Dead

hello
I've had an open house
for about a week
I met this Russian guy
lust
I don't know
he's prettier than me, though

oh my fuck
he is

and one thing about him
he doesn't kiss my ass
well, so far
I hope he doesn't
I hope he doesn't think I'm amazing
I just want
Mutuality

I met this other guy
Justin
in the band


I'm confused
this always happens

two people at once

Justin kisses me, though
and then my whole face is saturated

This Russian man

;kzsjdbgkdsipubvpdsiovndfiuobkjon

get inside of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee





















I'm going to try to move back with my Mom
only if Grace can, too
she moved out of her house
she can't do it with her mom, anymore


my mom got married today
she's just like a friend

Gracie and I are going to move to Hawaii someday
It's the place I feel satisfied


I've hooked up with two guys, now
and not fucked them

I'm getting good at this
and I find myself happier

24.6.09

Rasha

open house in Folsom
my Mom's
it's a beautiful house
we invite people
this boy, Kellen came
he's a nice guy
I feel safe around him
he like Gracie
it's cute
if she wasn't with Lobby,
I'd want her to be with him
he was smacked
the rest of us were drunk
I did a line of vicodin some time
meh
that's lame
strip spin the bottle
and all of a sudden,
I'm alone on the couch
and I look up
and there's hands everywhere
all over my body
and I freak out
and run
and Kellen's sleeping in my brother's room
and I just felt like if I was in there
nothing bad could happen
because he's an innocent person
and so I sat on the floor
at the end of the bed
and cried
I thought I was getting raped
I don't know
sometimes,
I just freak out
I get really bad anxiety
like right now
no reason
my heart's racing
Grace has it, too
but
I have this paranoia of rape
it makes me feel like a baby again
like I'm innocent
and they're doing bad things
I know there's some shit that happened when I was little,
but
I feel like there's more
that I just don't remember yet
and it's not my job
it's when I was little
I know someone touched me there
I know it
I think about it all the time
the guys felt bad
because they weren't raping me
we were all running around naked
and playing with eachother
in all good fun
but I just get scared
this one guy was all over me
and I just kept running away
and I'd end up in Kellen's room
and It was like they couldn't enter in there

I'm confused






















the boys were russian
I'm in love with russian boys
when they speak it
their accents
I will be their slave
my accent comes out when I'm around it
I love that
I want an accent forever

23.6.09

Life After LIfe After LIfe

I live a new life every week
that Denny's boy,
he's too infatuated with me
he prays to me
kisses my ass
I'm too interesting to him
he will do anything I say
and he told me he would

I don't want such power
I want someone above me
I want someone cooler than me
I want someone I shouldn't belong to

Grace told me it's about being equal
and now that I've realized that,
I can start to slowly go back to guys my age

as opposed to men

but, men are who want me
people my age find no interest in me
they realize how filthy I am

men still see the baby in me

I met this guy in a band a while ago
and I was really interested in him
but he's hard to reach
but he got my number
and I ran into him at the river

he invited me to some kick back
which was weird
I looked like crap that day,
and I was boring

but Biffy and I went
and did some lines of thizz

ummmm
but I fucking dropped like a whole pill

I still don't like to think of that
I started to hook up with him
and then we went in his room
and I've been trying for a month and a half
to stop being such a fucking whore
so I told him I won't fuck him

hahahah
and we don't!

what the fuck

I layed there
and looked up at him
and he's so much better looking than me

That's the one thing about people better than me
I'm shit as I stand next to them
and everyone knows

afterwards, he tells me he heard somethings about me at the river
Shaun told him I was a huge slut

why Shaun?
I mean
how the fuck is that going to help?
I'm trying to clean myself up
put ice in my veins
and this fool,

he fucking continues who I am
it's my fucking destiny

this male stripper is talking to me
I want to get back into that scene again
but I know I can't
because Grace will
and I'll just kill myself
If I do that to her

we all sat there after beign in his room
they wanted to talk about deep shit

I used to talk about my job
just all the time
but
I don't want to
It makes me feel dusty inside
It wasn't real
It just doesn't seem like it was
I don't want anyone to know anymore
and almost noone I'm around does
I don't want him to know
they talked about their molestations
rapes
and I started crying
I don't think anyone noticed
I was on thizz
and it made everything even more crazy
I went into this ball
and my whole body was afraid
and I got all the head videos

I remember my first customer
and I watched the Indian man
as he put it in the wrong place
and I watched my face
as I tried to tell myself it was okay

It's never comming out of my mouth again


I saw Flip the other day
this 34 year old who fucked me

I went swimming
and when I walked out
all the men
dirty
filthy
vile
men
just talked their sex talk
the first time Flip spoke to me that day

"you might want to arrest me
because I think I just got a boner"
this other guy

I don't like that
it's because they know what I am

I'm filthy

Paul called me this morning
I just thought yesterday he finnaly let go

I need hard drugs more often
I need coke again
I need smackers
I need to drink my vodka
and close my eyes
and only see the innocence of my childhood
and forget about what I've done
and what they've done

it'll keep me alive

I won't want to kill myself
hahah
it's just such a passionate desire sometimes

to punnish myself so greatly