27.7.09

God Knows.

Only Skinny Girls Fall In Love.
















Damnit.

26.7.09

Melt


we burn rugs and children
and our enemies listen
with lips that taste of cinnamon
I'm your prophet
unforgiven
I'm odious
and I spurn with decision
there's no more time
we run with presicion
but with lies,
we chastise
and with demise,
we break ties
I'm a child
with osteoperosis
take my sin
and I'll give you your diagnosis
creatures so meek
sit and chew on the meet
grinding their teeth
searching for belief
but as we skin for pelts,
we're running out of shelf
and I tell you, it's hell
as I breathe,
I can tell
you're a fool for all you see
chosen threads and beleifs
you look like her
but not like me
you smell like him
and she thinks you're sweet
your dangeling locks
are only a vision
and I'm here to kill you
as I'm running from the prision
of this world
and all society
they say hello,
but they're just stuck due to gravity
we taste like lust
and look like fire
but as we touch
can only perspire
my mind
and my love
are far too retired
but as I try on the glove,
I feel this taint singe
and I cringe
we will melt
as we binge
this legal tender
slips through my soul
and as little as I know
we will break open the show
dead bodies in the snow
blood stained,
and here we go
there is beauty in our end
I'm here to tell you
I'm here to break and bend
so let me destroy
I'll play my little toy
and speak this dangerous ploy
haha
and I will love you
as you act so coy
so, enter my game
and I will enter my name
you touch me with pain
and I kiss you insane
with the world crumbling off our shoulders
we will fall
but we hold onto boulders
you'll pull my hair
and I'll whisper my whore and
you will scream for mournin'
let's prepare our goodbyes
as we lose who we are
do not look into my eyes
for then you will see the scar
perfection is here to come
and here to conquer
let go
and give up
for we are all to be proper
give me your essence
and I'll give you mine
we all look like each other
speak your words one last time




photography Pictures, Images and Photos

Waste.

I am nothing.

How can I explain it?

Explain how nothing I am.


I'm deleting everyone from reading this.
Because these are secrets.
These are the stories of my truth.

We went to San Fransisco.
We did it again.
And, you know what?

You know what?
I cost less.
Because they suck so much.
I saw John again.
The good pimp.
It was so good.
I still
just care about him.
We got into a club.
Sutra.

We're on this website.
For escorts.
The pictures are so wrong.
They aren't even classy.
And that's why the price is so low.
I'm too ashamed to type how much I am.
I took this guy from a club.
And he wanted to do extra.
So I told him it'd be more money.
He said okay.
He wouldn't give it to me.
All he gave me
is this cheap
cheap
cheap
cheap
bundle of nothing.

Because that's what I am.

I hate him.

Grace had one more than me.
Her name was Roxxy this time.

We had this man today.
He took us to this hot tub place.
A room with a hot tub, a bed, and a sauna.
I had to eat her out.
She had to eat me out.
It hurt so much as he fucked me.
I hated him.
He cheated us out of 20$.
We went to the chinese restraunt after.
And counted.
And it hurts.
Because.


That money.
I worth more to us.
Than anything.
Because of how degraded we are.
Because of what we have to do.
And we had to pay for the hotel rooms.
The gas.
The food.

All we had left was 150$.
Because Mike got 50%.
And we had to give that to Paul.
Because Grace crashed his car.
And we have to pay for a new one.

I've slept with Jr five times.
And, I don't know why, but I think he's a good guy.
He's such a pissy.
But I just find it endearing.
He layed on my lap on the car ride back.
And I rubbed his back.
And we always sleep next to eachother.
And he has his arms around me.
And it just feels like.
Safe.
Not cared about.
Just.
Like I may have a place in this world.

But, I truly don't.
I don't know how to tell you that I am dead.
I have no sex drive.
It's cocaine.
I did too much the other night.
I kept coughing from the drips.
And I just sat there.

We had an interview with the owner of the Roaring Twenties Strip Club.
That's our Strip Club.
John still works there.

We had auditions, but we missed them.
Because Jr got pulled over by the cops by making an illegal left turn.
And he doesn't have a liscence,
so the car got impounded.
And I had to wait infront of this hotel, waiting for them
as this Mexican tries to get me to do drugs with him,
and I tell him I'll smoke one of his cigarettes for ten dollars.

We're going to do it from home, too.

My mom started texting me again.
Harassing me.
She told me I'm dead.
That I've been dead since 13.
That I'm white trash.
I'll get AIDS.
I'm not in her will.
That no one will even care once I turn 18.
And all of these furtherly degrading things.
I just want her to stop talking to me.
I just want her to dissapear.
I just want to forget she exists.
That's the night I did too much coke.

But, to attempt to explain how empty I am.
I have no emotions, care, thought.
I hate everyone.
They're all so ugly.
Filthy.
They're sticky witht he resin of their disgusting intentional sin.

Everyone drips in vile waste.

This world is such a dissapointment.

I was thinking.
Why am I like this.
So....lost.
I don't know.
I think it's because when I was young,
I was so excited for the world.
And, I seem to have been let down.
I expected the human being to be so much more pure.
I expected to experience a taste of love by now.
And thought that is cliche',
that's my only real goal in life.
I just want to love once.
I just want to know what it's like.
To give someone such vulnerability with all trust.
To accept someone's vulnerability with all of their trust.
To touch someone in the softest manner.
To have sex with someone I care about.
To grow with someone.

I'm alone.
I just feel.
So.
Invisible.

My life.
Is nothing.
I have no impact on anything.
It's just me and Grace.

She has boyfriends.
But I don't like anyone.
I just.
Have no satisfaction with anyone.
My lonliness is my fault.

My dad misses me while I'm gone for so long.
And he worries.
And he's old.
And he's going to die.
And I'm going to loathe myself.
I can not explain how deeply.
How potent my self hatred will become.
Because I wasn't good enough to him.
And all of his suffering.
Is truly due to me.

That hot tub man,
he told me,
"You're killing your parents"

I am.
I'm killing my dad.

He also asked if I had a brother.
And how old he was.
And I hate thinking about my brother when I'm so filthy.

I walked into my kitchen when I got home.
And I hid in a corner and cried.

I am so ungreatful.
We're not poor.
We live in a nice place.
But, I surround myself with filth.

Why am I so unsatisfied?
Unhappy?

I'm a digusting person.
I am cold, numb, empty, dead, dirty.


My body is used.

My mom called it sold.
She told me I had no soul.
She blames me for all ailments.
I hate her.
She rips me.


I don't want to kill myself.
I just want that feeling of dying.
Internal pain.
Writhing.

22.7.09

Jo.

Here we go.



Going to San Fransisco tonight.

Heart Beat.

I'm so
confused

here's something to say,

I'm going to do it again
I'm going to be her again
I don't want to say it
because I can't let anyone know
I don't want anyone to know

they shouldn't
it's.......
supposed to be horrible
but I can't find it to be anymore

I feel like
now that I've admitted to myself I'm going to do it again
that it's what I've wanted all along
and,
thing is
I still don't want it
but I'm so afraid of myself going back
that I'm going to go back to kill that anxiety
and I miss
something about it
the benefits
the

secrets

whenever I hear about it
places that do it
people that do,
I get so jealous

they get to laugh at society
with all of their destruction
and their coning
I want that

I want to fool the world
in the filthiest manner


I slept with anoooothhhherrr
guy
he was
I thought he was cute
and I thought he was better than me

I have no sex drive left

I slept with Justin
because I decided to hang out with him
and it turns out there was no alcohol
and
he was boring
and I realized the second I arrived
that I hated him
and, therefore I fucked him
and I thought about it after
why I fucked him
why I gave in


and it's because
I hate him
and I knew that's all he wanted
even though I told him I wouldn't
and no
I hate him
I would rather waste time fucking him
than doing anything
of worth
like
speaking


I got with Flip
and
sometimes I'm numb to the age
and sometimes,
it's like

it seems so wrong for him to like me
he's 34

it's wrong

I feel like it's okay for me to like him
but it's sick
for him
to actually have feelings
like, sexually, it's okay
but feelings......
and Blake
he's in his thirties

but, he seems different

Flip is of a different group than me
and though I am not of a group.....
he's going no where
he's
a fool
he goes to jail for fighting every month
he's not
anything

I want someone who's something

Flip just said to me today
"why won't you let me care for you?"
I said I don't want anyone to
and he goes
"why? it feels good. Just as Grace"

and
I just stopped talking
because
I understand why he said that

they always care about her
and I'm always a fuck
which is funny
because she's a lot more reserved
except,
these days, I've become the one who's more reserved
but I'm in a different way
it's because I'm hatefull
and everyone disgusts me
and with her, it's just because she has secrets
because she doesn't just put herself out there
I have secrets because I think no one's worth knowing

but
no one ever
wants anything

I'm just a fuck

I don't know.
I met this other guy
the same night I slept with that guy I thought was better than me
and then Angel
[Grace's new boyfriend]
oh
she has like three right now
and they all like her so much.

he I guess told Grace the other guy was upset
but
I don't know
I don't understand why
he doesn't know me
all we did was talk about guitars
and I'm sure I giggled a lot.

But we all hung out yesterday
and I guess the guy who I thought was better
turned out to be like
the one with lowest status in that group

which makes me think again
why I assume everyone is better
of higher status

but then again,
I don't like anyone
and I know I can do better

but with that kid, I really did think he was better

every time I have sex with someone,
I swear they're thinner than me
and as they fuck me,
I look up at them
and in my head
every time
I just wonder
how they can look down at me
and keep it up
stay attracted
how they can let the words come out their mouth
that I'm so hot
haha
I haaaaaate
when they tell me I have a hot body
I hate when they tell me I'm pretty
I feel like the more they say it,
it's like they're just trying to convince themselves that I am
and the more they said it out loud,
the more I may almost become pretty,
thin.
I always smirk to myself as I watch them
and I whisper in my mind,
"how does it feel to fuck a whale"


it's not even like I'm dissatified with my body
I don't care anymore
I know it's not that bad
but it's always worse than there's
and I just think
that when you have sex with someone,
you should have matching bodies.

but the ones who match me,
I don't want.
I hate them for matching me.
I don't want to be the fat couple.

but, this boy
the friend of the better one.
he was nice
and we hooked up
but
I couldn't let myself fuck him
because I didn't want to hate him
like I hate everyone else
and I don't know why
I should have just let him
since he wanted to

but
I don't do that shit in my house
my house has to be the one place that stays pure
and Grace already ruined that by fucking in it
and that boy jizzed on my fucking blanket

so I have to make an extra effort to have it stay clean
they both slept over last night.
Angel and that boy.

haha
once again,
I can never say their names.

I've realized my dad has ocd
and I think I have an axiety problem because of it
I don't have ocd.
I know because my anxiety surrounds his freakouts
I follow his ocd things to the core
because I have such a high anxiety of him
freaking out
and he freaks out
he gets so angry
he yelled at me for a pen the other day
and I couldn't understand why it was so important
and he told me her cared about that pen
more than he cared about me.

Grace is sleeping over at Angel's tonight.
And I always have to hang out with her and her boyfriends.
And I know it's my own fault I don't have one.
Because I like no one.
But it just makes me wonder.

How long am I going to be alone?



I have this feeling
this thick feeling.
It's forever

17.7.09

Such Little Secrets.

I feel like
maybe I'm so bitter
because no one knows anymore


but I was bitter
because everyone knew before


I think


you
know


It's not even that one occurence in my life

it's my life
the whole thing
no one knows it

I'm this walking
falsification
I wish I knew what people saw

I just want to know
how false my image is
how false my stupid laugh is

how I look when I'm smiling
when I'm leaning against the wall
because the hookah made me dizzy
how I look when I'm interested in someone
when I loathe someone
when I'm happy because I'm wasted
when I'm happy because
I'm enjoying myself
when I'm overdosing
when I can't get out of my head

I feel like
I just look so different from what I imagine
I wonder if I look intriguing
If I look interesting
secure
brilliant
shallow?


I want someone to take a picture
that just explains my existence
so that I can

I graduated highschool early
I passed the exam with such high scores

and here I am in limbo

I don't know what to do with myself
what is one to do with a life?
what do other people do?
everything seems to cost money.
I want a road trip
I need a break
from

from something
I don't know what that is
but something
and this trip
can only be with people I accept
and I accept no one

so,
these people have to be hand picked

I have a couple in my mind
they have to be able to
accept my
melancholy

I had Grace tell me who I was
after that second overdose with the car crash
I couldn't remember from before the previous overdose
how I used to act
and what I'd talk about

I never realized
how unhappy I am with people
they just constantly
upset me
and I don't like them
they're all so afraid
of everything

they are nothing
empty
creations

and I'm such a bitch
I truly make people feel so small.

this boy
cried.

he just
had to know
why I didn't like him.

and I had no idea he knew I thought he was filth.


I sleep duing the day
and stay up all night.


I'm a creature.