31.8.09

Reunion With An Old Friend. An Old Addiction.

Speed.

Hello, again.



This is nice.
It takes away the fear of pain and vulnerability.

I degrade sobriety to scour the thoughts
That cause an energetic ache.

I'm afraid to think of anything real.
It gives me panic attacks.
Anxiety attacks.
And I cry.
But it's not salt water drops of sadness,
Pity,
Pain,
But some traumatic stress.

Shaking body,
Wide eyes that saturate my face.
Blinking becomes a rarity.
A need to run.
Rip off clothes.
Scream it out of my mouth.

Thinking of
Molestation.
Abuse.
Betrayal.
Isolation.
Prostitution.
Guilt.
A confused rape.
Overdoses.
Punishing my body.
And.
How I destroy myself.

It's something I can't handle.

But speed.
I can think about it,
And I don't feel afraid.
I'm calm.
And I'm able to understand these things.
I'm not here.
I'm watching myself,
And metacognating.

I think this teaches me,
Brings wisdom.






This way I degrade myself,
I have never met someone who's done it so viciously.
Other than Grace.

It isn't about image.
It's who I am.
Not my actions, soul, thoughts, or beleifs.

It's my essence.

For a long time,
I used to look in the mirror,
And my face,
It was the face of someone to cause pain upon.

Eh.
It's like.

I looked, and I understood how my mother did that a couple times,
And how my dad did that a couple times.
And how they have this anger.
That brings out words that just stopped me cold.
They're all memorized.
I will always remember their screaming truths.

I understood how I was teased in sixth grade.
Why no one saw me as beautiful for years.
How it's easy to look at me
And feel hatred.

I have this face, body, scent, character.
That just deservs to be beaten.
And it's not like I look in this mirror
And hate myself.

It's like I calmly understand that it's just how it is.

This year,
I know it's just something that was instilled in me.
Not like my parents did that to me.
Or other people.
I just grew this thought myself.

And I see my body this way sometimes,
And try to make it feel completely unloved.

At points,
I realize my worth is gone.

I think it's just that
I don't let anyone see it.

I live in a shallow puddle,
My worth is still there,
But I've lived like I had none.

Decomposed Slavery.


Pointed teeth and finger nails
Saturated street brings out the snails
A sticky sweat that glues bodies together
And the unfamiliar smell of hate.

Sweet spoken whispers of false sugar
Destruction tends to look for the withered
Tangled hair and a dripping painted face
This is the night for your romantic goodbye to every wish.

Street lights cast the filthy light of yellowed skin
Pores dripping with addictions saunter on cemented sin
This is punishment
This is for you.

As the fabric covers your sky
You may not speak, and your sounds may not fly
Creating the secret
Back bones rubbed raw on gravel.

Awoken with a wise sight
Wander in silent circles without a whisper goodbye
This beautiful unprepared end of the penetrated childhood
Is now just a humourous grin.

As the degraded become disturbed
As the skewed pour it on the birds
Odium drips and diffuses into mist
And all that is seen is blind.

You will spit your poison
Because they don't know, and you can't destroy them
This is the species of a toxic tongue
And acid spitting stomaches.

Walk along with your wicked
Becoming a vesseled shell, flaccid and crawling in kitchens
The cockroach
The infamous deadly kill.

The murdered children come to slit throats of possible offenders
Stretched pupils and fearful eyes that don't belong here
Welcome to your destiny
You have become what you have witnessed.

And as purity carefully blows it's breath upon the shoulders
Goosebumps quiver, anxiety boils, the young live in the older
Swimming through the thick escape
Layers of your rotten corpse maintain your death.

As the sun wakes up for the hello
Vision seeps through the night that we all know
Jazz music plays in the background
And the memories of tape players in the old 90's Corolla
Caress the thoughts
To baking excitement in the timed oven
With cold tiles under five year old feet
That walk to the park
And swing on the roped tree
With a haircut from your mother.

The scissors of realization cut off the eyelids
As the blame settles onto your shaking flesh
The finger of your vulnerable freedom points to the face
Of who kissed your soul with trauma.

Looking down.
You stare at the shining round tip as it looks back with cold spurn.
The walking, blinking, suicide breathes deep.

You did this.


Sing a delicate song as your gritty hands hold dark red wine.
Photobucket

Someone asked me a question today.
And I have no idea why I told them the truth.










Adam just sat there.
He asked how it's so easy for me not to care.
If a guy has ever hurt me.
How I can be completely unemotional.
Leave people.

He wants someone to give him worth.

Odd.

That he'd say that outloud.

I don't know how.
I told him that when the taint swims into a young body,
It can never breathe a pure breath.

He asked what happened.
Refused.
He questioned molestation.
Responded, refuse to say yes or no.

He said he was.
I said I was.

He lives in an addiction different from mine,
But I understand his.

I've never kissed him like I've kissed a person.

But I can't go anywhere with this.

30.8.09

Lies.

Everything is so new.
Getting a kitten named Cow.
Fucking Bad Adam again.
Fucked Aj.
I love Shauny so much.
We got stoned and layed in my bed together.
I did oxycotin with Adam.
I don't know why.
But he always gets me into new drugs.
He calls me baby.
And sweetie.
And names I like to hear.
I don't know why,
but I have a huge sexual attraction to him.
I'm on my period, so we have to wait.
Collins is still infatuated with me.
Did ecstasy with Shelby last night.
She's such a cutie.
And, I really like Kenny.
And he likes me.
And I don't drink until I'm drunk, anymore.
Just tipsy.
I like speed again.
I love sex.

19.8.09

Scar.


What could be
should be something without fear.
Though this whisper is coarse,
to become more afraid than the children
with the ignorance raped
and the blindness scraped clean
To see is to understand
and to loathe in distance
and destroy in decision
The embrace of a wasted truth
and a false belief
to never swim in a saint's blood.
Never to speak of the rubbered flesh.

Meat



Sips of sin,
and I'm fine with him.
He's taken my gin,
and I'm breaking his grin.
We murder the sheets
and grind in the streets.
I've got the whitest teeth,
but what you're kissing ain't me.
With Russian desires,
I'll swim and perspire
in your scent as we speak
Little children in my street
chew on authority's meat
since we're trying to belive
I can't see you
as you look at me
I can't love you
But you whipser my beat
I can't love you
But you smile so meek
I can't love you
but you're the backseat
I skip through destruction
through the craving and deduction
one and one
makes five and six
as I run and run
I kill the crucifix
let me tell you this story
of the death of my glory
haha
but as you listen,
it's boring
you can't see me
I'm whoring
as my face changes shapes
as this story takes and takes
from my soul and from my mind
you change your vision
I go blind
No longer beautiful
no longer a mystery
once you know
It's all about killing me
within the sun
and around the sky
I burn
and I fly
and you spurn
and you cry
as I lick you goodbye
I wish in my eye
I may one last time
look at something
and discover it fine.
But we gaze upon planets
and sweat through cotton
what this is, I can't have it
I bathe in the rotten
little venom
trickles through pores
I've killed, and I've kissed 'em
but never asked for more.

Barbara.

In Santa Barbara
I don't feel like typing much.
I'm happy,
but I really miss destruction.
My sex drive is back.
I miss Grace.
I don't know where my life is leading.


I want Strawberries.

9.8.09

Fine.

Everything is Great!
That whole Grace thing was silly.
We both needed sobriety.
I had my sobriety.

By the way,
Sobriety.
Was
My.
Death.

I was constantly dehydrated.
Nooooooo spit in my mouuuuth.
Waking up,
Oh my shit.
My intestines turned to astronaut ice cream.
Dried.
Shriveled.
Need water.
I had to bring four water bottles to bed.
To last me through the night.

I went to a part with Grace and Angel and Shelby.
And some other people...

And I have a secret!
I like this boy.
And I'm saying nothing else because no one can know who.

I haven't liked anyone for...
ever.

Since I was engaged.
So, this is exciting.

But, I feel like shit about it.
This creates in insecurity that
I'm not comfortable with.

I do not like feeling confused about this boy.
And I'm going to force myself not to care.

I'm going to make myself stop liking him.
Liking someone scares me too much.

Everything that surrounds such a subject,
has been ruined.
I have ruined it for myself.

I think I'll be alone.
I think I'll force myself to be alone.

But I do like this boyyyyyyy.......

1.8.09

GoodByeForRightNow.

I have another secret
I'm going to leave Grace.




For a little.

She doesn't care about anyone but herself.
She was crying because Angel was upset with her.

She said she didn't deserve it.
That she's a good person.


And, I admit to myself I'm not too good of a person right now.
I don't give back.
I don't do anything for anyone else, really.

But she does not realize that.
About herself.

We haven't really been friends for a while.
I use her for complany,
and,
well,
I care about her.

And she uses me for someone who makes things that she does okay.
I'm someone to talk to when the boyfriend won't talk to her.
Then, I exist.
I'm someone to go through prostitution with.
Again.

But, I don't like this life anymore.
It's dirty.

She constantly needs socialization.
Alcohol.
Acceptance.

She always needs some guy infatuated with her.
Someone that tells her she's better than other people.
So that she can believe it.

Her life has become her.
I don't know how to explain it.

Her needs are above others.
Her problems.
Her worries.

They beat up and robbed these guys we're kind of friends with,
and Grace turned her back on them and joined.

Now, no one's in trouble, except the Police are calling my house.

Because they only know where I live.
And I did nothing.

That was dirty.
I don't belive in just fucking people over because you're selfish and want something.
That was ghetto.
Drug addict.

We got in a car crash.
Everyone was mad I went to the hospital.
I called her from the hospital, and she just asked why I did that.
I tried not to go.....
I told them not to take me....

She only calls me, asking where AJ's I.D is.
She won't make an effort to give me my stuff back.

I just want my stuff, and I don't want to be a part of it.

I told her she was a rock, and she liked that, but it's a hideous thing.

I don't care if I'm alone for a while.
Being around her always pisses me off now.
I don't like who she is, anymore.

I'm going sober until I'm back to normal.