31.8.09

Reunion With An Old Friend. An Old Addiction.

Speed.

Hello, again.



This is nice.
It takes away the fear of pain and vulnerability.

I degrade sobriety to scour the thoughts
That cause an energetic ache.

I'm afraid to think of anything real.
It gives me panic attacks.
Anxiety attacks.
And I cry.
But it's not salt water drops of sadness,
Pity,
Pain,
But some traumatic stress.

Shaking body,
Wide eyes that saturate my face.
Blinking becomes a rarity.
A need to run.
Rip off clothes.
Scream it out of my mouth.

Thinking of
Molestation.
Abuse.
Betrayal.
Isolation.
Prostitution.
Guilt.
A confused rape.
Overdoses.
Punishing my body.
And.
How I destroy myself.

It's something I can't handle.

But speed.
I can think about it,
And I don't feel afraid.
I'm calm.
And I'm able to understand these things.
I'm not here.
I'm watching myself,
And metacognating.

I think this teaches me,
Brings wisdom.






This way I degrade myself,
I have never met someone who's done it so viciously.
Other than Grace.

It isn't about image.
It's who I am.
Not my actions, soul, thoughts, or beleifs.

It's my essence.

For a long time,
I used to look in the mirror,
And my face,
It was the face of someone to cause pain upon.

Eh.
It's like.

I looked, and I understood how my mother did that a couple times,
And how my dad did that a couple times.
And how they have this anger.
That brings out words that just stopped me cold.
They're all memorized.
I will always remember their screaming truths.

I understood how I was teased in sixth grade.
Why no one saw me as beautiful for years.
How it's easy to look at me
And feel hatred.

I have this face, body, scent, character.
That just deservs to be beaten.
And it's not like I look in this mirror
And hate myself.

It's like I calmly understand that it's just how it is.

This year,
I know it's just something that was instilled in me.
Not like my parents did that to me.
Or other people.
I just grew this thought myself.

And I see my body this way sometimes,
And try to make it feel completely unloved.

At points,
I realize my worth is gone.

I think it's just that
I don't let anyone see it.

I live in a shallow puddle,
My worth is still there,
But I've lived like I had none.

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