30.11.09

Cocaine.

Mike's coming over.





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Body Lines.










27.11.09

Happy.

Birthday.



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26.11.09

Cocaine.

I'm going to be eighteen.
I'm going to trust people.
I'm going to respect myself.
I'm going to take depression meds.
I'm going to quit most drugs.
I'm going to have a healthy sex life.

I'm not going to isolate myself.
I'm not going to disappear for weeks.
I'm not going to hate everyone.
I'm not going to eat much.
I'm not going to limit myself.

I want to meet someone.
Who I can tell.


About.
What happened.

And when I tell them,
I'm not going to laugh this time.

I'm going to......
Be vulnerable.

I don't know if anyone sees me like that.
Everyone puts themselves below me.
Everyone thinks I'm so strong and brilliant.
Everyone trusts everything I say.
And they take my advice like it's gold.

I don't understand why they think I'm special.


I think.















Molested.
Raped.
Prostituted.

Revelry.

I don't want to turn eighteen.

No on is going to care about me.

I'm not going to be special anymore.

I'm going to be like the rest of them.

I'm not going to be interesting.

I'm going to be alone.



Once I turn eighteen,
I can't run around destroying myself anymore.
I don't know how to end that.

Once I turn eighteen,
I am society.

I don't know how to grow up.

I'm not going to make it.
I'm not smart enough.

I don't like people.
I can't be happy.

I hate.
I fucking hate.
Depression.

I'm not normal.
I don't understand life like people do.
I think too much.


I feel like.
I'm afraid I'll kill myself once I realize I'm eighteen.


I will become invisible.


Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.
Alone.


Alone.

I'm afraid of that word.

25.11.09

Kenny.

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Please don't go to the military.
I already miss you.

DeMarini.

Mashka

interesting

the first time I look at anyone,
I ask myself if I could love them.

15:12Alex

hmm

whatd you see in me haha

15:13Mashka

I thought I could make you

15:21Alex

make me what?

15:21Mashka

fall in love easily

15:22Alex

i could

15:22Mashka

I know

15:22Alex

do you love me?

15:23Mashka

As a person.

15:23Alex

not romantically though

15:23Mashka

I don't know if I'll ever achieve that before I die.

Harrison.

I.
Met another guy.
I slept in his bed.
I liked talking to him.
We'll see how things go.
Sober.






I wasn't scared in the bed this time.
I like sleeping with a guy in the same bed.
Even if nothing happens.
It's.

I don't know.


I think I may be trusting people a little more.



I think I'm beginning to get over.
All of the degration.

I feel like.
My body isn't what happened anymore.




If people ask....
I'll just tell them I had a weird childhood.













I want to start having sex again.




I don't like food.
I don't care.














































I miss my guitar.
I sleep in bed with him.

19.11.09

..

I want to












Let people touch me again.

17.11.09

The Rapist.

I want to start helping people again.




I want to be awake during the day time.




I refuse to take depression medication.








I am going to do this.
I am going to be happy.



FUCK.

16.11.09

15.11.09

Sipping on Gin and Tea.

Everything.
Different.
Melissa is my absolute.
Best friend.
I have always felt so good around her.
And i have never felt so cared about.

I have been smoking a lot of pot.
I miss Cocaine, though.
I shouldn't.


This boy, and I had a staring contest.
Over and over.
At a party.

He wanted to kiss me.


I have been thinking.
I want that boy.
Who.
I gave my secret to.

I am not afraid.




I have also realized.
That I am a sex addict.

But I am controlling myself well.
Fuck.

And.
I have realized.
That I really just like men.

In suits.
In their thirties.
Like American Beauty.
I want him.

I want to make a man feel young again.
From his monotonous life.
And his stupid, pointless, draining job.
I want to give him something to look forward to.
And that will be me.

I am attracted to men.

How huge they are.
Their chests are so wide.
I like the age on their face.

I will be 18 soon.


I am going to do it.

8.11.09

I Now.

Remember what sex does.

I don't know how to explain it.

:( Pictures, Images and Photos


I enthrall myself in it.
Devote every moment to the passion.

I teach them things.
And it feels good when they learn well.


He was interesting.
Rugged.

The one who drives fast.
Listens to Classic Rock.
Wears his hat backwards with the bill bent.
Unwealthy.

He was easy to catch.
But he made it a little more difficult than the average one does.
He didn't spit any game.
Didn't try to impress me.
Which I appreciate.

When the Police showed up,
He interacted maturely.

Intrigued me.

He didn't give me specific attention.
He didn't go out of his way to receive mine, either.

He didn't kiss my ass.

I ended up sitting next to him.
And arms went behind heads.
On thighs.
Hair.

Some fool had the ignorant nerve to voice his assumption we were"getting together".
Which was replied with negativity.

But, the next daaaaaaaay.
He came over, just the three of us.

And after Martinis,
He invited me to join once again.

Some pillow fight occurred,
And I knew.
He, then, kissed me.

And I remember everything I have been keeping myself from.
After I stopped having sex with people, I grew a fear of kissing.

It's not meant for anyone.
I'm not going to just kiss anyone.

It has too much power over me.
And, I really show vulnerability through it.

But, he was a nice boy.

And I liked to look at his face.
And touch it.

And his chest.
And ass.
And thighs.
Back
Hair.
Arms.
Hands.

I neeever thought I'd sleep with him.
In both senses.

I teased him and myself for quite a while.
And I'd put him in for a second,
and my mind.
I lost myself so fast.
I went blind.
All I could see was sex.
And my thoughts.
Went heavy and dizzy.
And all I could think was sex.
And speak.

So, I freaked out, and I'd take him out.

Which, I'm sure was an annoyance.
But, he'd tell me with this smile that it was okay.

And we'd continue our previous engagements.

I told him I wanted to sleep with him.
And I was thinking about it earlier in the day.

And, I guess Marina showed him my pictures on the internet...

He'd grab my hair and control my head.
I'd put my lips to his, and refuse to kiss him.
Just pause ourselves in that moment.

The more I bit, the harder he did.
Which is exactly my Vodka weakness.

The muscles in my neck are swollen from his mouth..
And I don't even remember the last time I had a hickey.

I've never met anyone who went insane as much as I did
When someone sucks on their neck,
or is bitten.

Hmmm.

I gave in, but it didn't last long.

I think we both just had orgasms waiting for so long,
That we couldn't hold them off any longer.

We layed on the floor and slept a while.
I don't know why I was comfortable sleeping with him.

I don't like to be touched while I sleep.
But it felt okay with him.










FUUUuucuudskcdckcccckkkkk.

I told him the secret of San Fransisco.

I don't know what happened.
I haven't told anyone in so long.
I started shaking,
Stiff.
Couldn't be touched.
It scared me.
He says he didn't care.
And he kissed me afterwards.

But today,
We hung out again.
With some other people.
And I was stupid enough to smoke.
So, I was silent the whole time.
And it just became awkward.

I wasn't afraid of anything until I remember that I released my secret.
And my face lost all feeling for a split second.

I'm mad at myself.
Why would I trust someone.