30.1.10

Cellar Door.

Keep it a Secret.

27.1.10

Bile.

I couldn't sleep last night.
My heart was beating too fast.
I think it was another anxiety attack.
It hurt.
Like the beginning of a heart attack.

I know that's how I'm going to die one day.

These used to happen often.
Because of my Cocaine love.

But it turns out that my other love brings heart problems, as well.

He had heart problems.
And I know that I am him.

My stomach burns.
And I'm constantly on edge.
It's all I think about.
And I think it's taken my soul.
And I'm empty.
And I don't know what my rules are anymore.
I don't know what I believe in.

This has never happened before.
I don't know what's right.
Wrong.
Normal?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do in situations.
And I don't know what I want to do in situations.

I don't know if I'm supposed to hold back.
Or stop being a prude.

I don't know if I'm supposed to hold back.
Or trust people with my world.




It's been swimming up my nose recently.
And this new boy in my life.

I'm infatuated with him appearance.
I love being on top of him.
And looking down at what I'm connecting with.

He's an asshole.
Hahhaa.
But ahhhhhhhhhh.
I can't help myself.




I'm leaving a week from today.









How am I going to help my libido.

26.1.10

Bile.

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Things feel different.
It burns inside.
My teeth feel... afraid.


I like coffee.

17.1.10

.

He raped her.

Goodbye.

We finally had sex.
I went out without asking permission.
I was going to leave him.
He left me.
He wants me to give him a reason to take me back.


I don't want to give him one.


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11.1.10

Bile.

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I'm doing really well.
Like.
Relentless.

I feel great every time.
I'm going to research on how I can be more effective....






I feel like such a preteen.

10.1.10

Cocaine.

I quit drugs.
Ish.

I quit weed.
Not even every now and then.

But.
I can never leave the Cocaine.
I don't know.
I just, I really can't.
I love it.
I don't want to talk about it anymore.




I think I'm becoming an alcoholic.
I don't very much care.
I don't think I'll ever acclimate into something too negative with it.

And my sex addiction is raging.
He still won't have sex with me.

To give him oral,
is like a big deal.
He'll rarely let me.

Sadly,
I was ecstatic when I gave it to him.

I don't like receiving anything.
Because then I just start begging for what I need.
And I never get it.

I'm starting to get anxious.
Pissy a lot.
Shaky sometimes.


I need it.
I promise you.
I need it.


My next boyfriend.
He's just going to do it.
That's my promise to myself.

Cigarettes.

Cocaine.

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I'm not supposed to like it.

But.
It makes me feel clean.

It makes me feel like I'm doing something positive.

I feel physically better.
refreshed.


Everything in my life is going to great.
And I feel like this is one more step towards the positive.

Skewed.
Yes.

But I feel like all it will do is make me happier.
I'll get teeth guards.


3.1.10

I'm Starting To Love You.

Interesting.
Words.

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Cocaine.

I can't stop freaking out.












What if I die because I stop doing Cocaine?


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I have anxiety attacks.







I have uncontrollable tears.





I shake.





And my mind is afraid.