28.2.10

Bile.

I'm finding satisfaction.
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It's working.
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Not sucking in.
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Sucking in.
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I have never been so happy.
Or....dizzy.




I like coffee mate.

25.2.10

.

I feel like loving today.


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Sad, how it truly was the drugs.
I always hoped so much that they weren't the reason behind a lot of things.

23.2.10

Lips.

We touch the sun.
Can only smell better.
Closed eyes.
And the skin makes me quiver.
A shivering breath.
Whispers the lust of perspiration.
Fingertips.
And I don't need a word for declaration.
Poison.
Bubbles under veins.
Beads of brain.
Trickle through insane.
My bleeding scream.
Tastes like sugar that comes from salt.
Wrinkled hair.
Locked behind the muscled vault.
She.
Trembles as she smiles.
Dressed in a saint's robe.
Callouses from grinding miles.
I love you.

22.2.10

Bile.

Awoke today.

Feeling.
Satisfied with what I woke up in.



I'm starting to dream about sex every night again.

I want to run around in my underwear with someone.






Anxiety today.
Kept thinking about spiders.


This boy purposely sat next to me today.
We had to be partners.
He had nice lips.

And for some reason,
I kept thinking about what if he knew again.
I haven't thought that in a while.

Interesting...thing.
Happened.


I think I made Melissa a speed addict.

I know it.

And now I have to fix that, too.





I think I'm getting old again.

21.2.10

.

I'm falling in love.
With every boy's face I see.


I want something soon.








Soon.
.


I go through these phases.
When I was fifteen,
It was depression one month.
Happy one month.

Seventeen.
Sex all month.
No sex the next.

Eighteen.
I want to love.
I'm cold and dead.
Numb.


I suppose this one may be the healthiest so far?


.

Things I will spend money on:
Coffee.
Chicken broth.
Alcohol.
Shishah.
Cat food
[Once the Kot is obtained]

...
I'm sure there are other things.



Next month:
Kot.
Tattoo.
Pants that fit.






I think the....new love is making my hair fall out.
I'll take more vitamins.


Everyone lets me do it.





New boy.
He's just a game, though.

I'll play for now.
I need something.

I miss skin.
I miss warm skin.

I miss.
Touch.

And Sweat.
And Breath.

Condensation.
In the pillow.






As of two days ago,
I am in my love month.

Devil.

Need.

It's been.
A week.


I really.
Can't.
Do this.

20.2.10

Bile.

Jail.
Dui.
Arsham.
Brian.
Boxing gloves.
Vodka.
Old men.
Attitude.
Latex ballerina dress.
Stilettos.
Cold.
Cement floor.
Sleep.
Handcuffs.

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Valentines day.
Cocaine.
Cocaine.
Cocaine.
Cocaine
Mdma.
Mdma.
Vodka.
Whiskey.
Whiskey.
Whiskey.

Overdose.
And an awakening to my own urine.

Twenty waterbottles.
Times two yellow bile.
Foam.
Foam.
Blood.
Toilet.
Bath tub.



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Embarrassed is not an option.
Memories are silent.



I am achieving my great destiny.
Spinal chord.
Hips.
Collar bone.

Ribs.


Thighs.
Arms.



Jaw.



I smile with acid.



Corroding.

9.2.10

Devil.

I.
Can't believe this happened to me.

Him.
The Sex God.
Romanian.

I don't know what happened.
Or why I let it happen.

It's not that he's a good person.
It's just that.
That's the sex I've been waiting for my whole life.

I don't want to talk about it.
I hate myself for... this stupid emotion.
I don't want it.
I don't want to give it to him.



My sex addiction is just raging.
This boy.
Here.
In Santa Cruz.
I liked him at one point when I met him a couple months ago.

He told me that I'm beautiful.
But I don't like him.

He gave me the power.
I don't want it.

There are no Europeans here.
I need a man.
I need sex.

WHATTHEFUCK.
INEEDSEX.

I can't do this.

Someone.
Someone needs to come here.
And calm me down.


And,
I don't even want to have sex with other people.
Because no one can fuck me good enough.
And no one has as good of a....
A beautiful dick.

I let him cum in me.
I've wanted to do that for so long.
And it was.
Everything.

I've never met anyone who kissed like I do.
But he does.


Ugh.
What the fuck am I doing.
Like, seriously.
This never happens to me.
It's not even him.
It's just the sex that I'm infatuated with.



It's nice here, I suppose.
I have a best friend.
Named Chris.
And we're anorexic and bulimic together.
He's good for me.
he expects highly of me.
And, therefore,
I become a more attractive person.

We're going to a gay bar on Thursday.
I'm going to come to Sacramento this weekend maybe.
And fuck the Persian.
And see Ash.
And...... Grace.


I need sex.
And Cocaine.