31.3.10

Many.

I want to have sex.
But.
I really am a prude now.
I don't think I can hook up with random people again.

I want to care about someone.
So that I can get laid.
But I care for like.
No one.


I don't understand these things sometimes.
How do people find so many people to like.
How do people have so many relationships.
I like no one.

I don't even know how to explain what I'm trying to be confused about.
I just don't know how people aren't picky.
I'm very picky.
But because of it,
I'm alone to god.

28.3.10

Glob.

I Have eaten for two days.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.
I like alcohol.


What if I have a crush on Christopher.
He's just like me.
In certain forms.
But sometimes, 
I look at him,
And he seems like a man.
But then I catch him looking at his reflection and pursing his lips.

So.
No.

I am going to Santa Barbara for a week.
They eat there.
This is going to be hard.
Exercise exercise exercise.

I can do this.
I will not spend my money on food.
Duh.

I feel like.
There are people I know who like me.
But I don't know if I like them or not.
It's always this way.

Friends ruin friendships.
And I don't tend to become friends with girls.

And the boys always kill it.


And that is one of the reasons I'm alone.





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I'm very alone.

26.3.10

Gaga.

Every time.
Destruction tries to kiss my cheek.

I will exercise.
I will throw my food away.
I will close my eyes.


I can not vomit.


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My first response.
Is to vomit.
It's like.
They say something.
And I feel like all of the dirt that came out of their mouths.
Is inside my stomach.
And if I drink some water.
I can jump around.
And swish it all together.
And then I can vomit it.
And it's all clean inside again.


Photobucket


Maybe I can do that.
But I will not vomit food.

I'll just exercise.
And throw my food away.

Sores in my throat.

It's affecting my voice when I play Harrison.

And you can not destroy me and Harrison.






I will punish them by becoming better than them.

And I will steal their boyfriends.
And they may babble on about how the relationship isn't real.
But you can be absolutely beautiful and have an incredible soul at the same time.

He will leave you for my face.
But stay with me for my essence.

And, trust me, bitch.

It will me the most real.
Fucking.
Relationship.
Your boring ass has ever encountered.

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I'm going to be immortal.




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Perfect.

I will heavy clean my house every day.
I will exercise every day.
I will eat minimally every day.
I will take diet pills every day.
I will do my make up like the dying dead every day.
I will play guitar every day.

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And I will love every day.
And I will be beautiful.

More than they ever will be.





















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25.3.10

Vermin.

[9:27:26 PM] Mashka Gallant.: I don't feel like it.
[9:27:48 PM] Mashka Gallant.: You knew when you don't feel like opening you mouth to talk
[9:28:24 PM] Melissa Stroin: yeah are u ok?
[9:28:59 PM] Mashka Gallant.: Yeah, it's not depression, just a silent mood type thing.
[9:29:03 PM] Mashka Gallant.: We can type....?
[9:29:42 PM] Melissa Stroin: yeah thats fine
[9:36:32 PM] Melissa Stroin: errrrgggggggg i cant doooooooo this!!
[9:36:40 PM] Melissa Stroin: like i cant do a relationship
[9:37:00 PM] Melissa Stroin: i dont like what its doing to me
[9:37:10 PM] Melissa Stroin: hes seventeen
[9:37:13 PM] Melissa Stroin: and im 18
[9:37:19 PM] Melissa Stroin: like wtf am i doing
[9:37:39 PM] Melissa Stroin: he says yeee like a litle boy
[9:38:37 PM] Melissa Stroin: and hes a total skater
[9:38:40 PM] Melissa Stroin: god im retarded
[9:38:51 PM] Melissa Stroin: wow thanks for responding
[9:41:12 PM] Melissa Stroin: LOSER
[9:41:17 PM] Melissa Stroin: PIECE
[9:41:19 PM] Melissa Stroin: OF
[9:41:22 PM] Melissa Stroin: .......
[9:43:19 PM] Mashka Gallant.: Sorry...
[9:43:33 PM] Melissa Stroin: yeah
[9:43:35 PM] Melissa Stroin: bitch
[9:43:43 PM] Mashka Gallant.: I wasn't at the computer.
[9:43:50 PM] Mashka Gallant.: I don't think any of those things matter.
[9:50:30 PM] Melissa Stroin: ahhhhh
[9:50:38 PM] Melissa Stroin: its like i look at his status on facebook
[9:50:40 PM] Melissa Stroin: and im like
[9:50:46 PM] Melissa Stroin: wtf am i doing
[9:50:54 PM] Mashka Gallant.: Hahahaha.
[9:50:59 PM] Melissa Stroin: and then i see him talking to girls
[9:51:05 PM] Melissa Stroin: and i know its nothinbg
[9:51:08 PM] Melissa Stroin: but i get worries
[9:51:14 PM] Mashka Gallant.: You should have seen Sam's Myspace.
[9:51:17 PM] Melissa Stroin: and i hate my brain cause i know im just being stupid
[9:51:22 PM] Melissa Stroin: dduuuuuuddde
[9:51:28 PM] Melissa Stroin: i need to tell u something
[9:51:33 PM] Melissa Stroin: its weird
[9:51:37 PM] Mashka Gallant.: k
[9:51:42 PM] Melissa Stroin: cause every time you compare jake to sam
[9:51:46 PM] Melissa Stroin: i get pissed
[9:51:51 PM] Melissa Stroin: and idk why
[9:52:01 PM] Melissa Stroin: its like i feel like what jake and i have is more real
[9:52:13 PM] Melissa Stroin: and thats no offense to you
[9:52:18 PM] Melissa Stroin: its just me being werid
[9:52:22 PM] Melissa Stroin: and its scaring me
[9:52:26 PM] Mashka Gallant.: I
[9:52:31 PM] Mashka Gallant.: Don't want to tlak about this.
[9:52:38 PM] Mashka Gallant.: That
[9:52:44 PM] Melissa Stroin: what
[9:52:45 PM] Mashka Gallant.: is extremely selfish of you to say
[9:52:47 PM] Mashka Gallant.: And I think
[9:52:51 PM] Mashka Gallant.: I don't want to talk right now.
[9:52:53 PM] Melissa Stroin: noooooooo ur not getting it
[9:52:55 PM] Mashka Gallant.: ;No
[9:52:56 PM] Mashka Gallant.: I am
[9:53:03 PM] Melissa Stroin: nooooooo ur not
[9:53:07 PM] Mashka Gallant.: I cared a lot about Sam before the end
[9:53:22 PM] Melissa Stroin: im saying that im being stupid and the fact that im even thinking that shows how much i like jake
[9:53:26 PM] Melissa Stroin: like i know its not true
[9:53:32 PM] Mashka Gallant.: Well
[9:53:42 PM] Mashka Gallant.: I need some space for like an hour.
[9:53:46 PM] Mashka Gallant.: Because that really pissed me off.
[9:53:56 PM] Melissa Stroin: wow you took that the complete wrong way
[9:54:01 PM] Melissa Stroin: meant nothing on you
[9:54:03 PM] Melissa Stroin: but whatever
[9:54:11 PM] Mashka Gallant.: its like i feel like what jake and i have is more real
[9:54:17 PM] Melissa Stroin: ive dealt with so much shit from u recentley
[9:54:20 PM] Mashka Gallant.: Okay
[9:54:21 PM] Mashka Gallant.: Well
[9:54:26 PM] Mashka Gallant.: You can fuck off for now.

24.3.10

Peep.

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO.
I am not going to be unhappy.



I have to meet people.
That's all.



I just suck at it.
That's all.

Snark.

My paranoia is getting bad.

I did it again.
It felt.

Thrilling.


Today in Psych.
They talked about dysmorphia.
And disorders.

They showed pictures of many bodies.
Shapes.
They asked us to think who is the most attractive.
I chose the second thinnest.
Everyone chose this one in the middle.
They're only saying that because if they said the thin one, they'd be assholes.
And the girls are just pissy.

This friend won't talk to me.
I'm assuming it's because I did it again.
But they're being too upset about it.
I mean.
Are you really surprised?

Wah.
No, you aren't.
So. 
Stop.

I don't like when people bother.
I like when people just let me.
I'm not as self murdering as I used to be.

I'll always need just something that's bad.
And this is that something.
So they should just let it.
I'm not fucking the world.
I'm not hiding in my house for days.
I'm not doing drugs for breakfast.
I haven't done coke for... two months?

Whatever.

I don't know.

I'm just going to leave people alone.
And I have to re learn to keep my mouth shut.
Stop.
Talking.

23.3.10

Wah.

Photobucket

Photobucket

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Beh.

Strangers in the Night.

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[]

I forgot who I was again.





Something happened.

















But I'm not sure.
If it's as important.
As the crying friend thinks it is.

20.3.10

[]

How can I tell you.





Beat me.

17.3.10

*

Ew.

Don't look at it.


Unless it's to make it feel bad.
Which it should.


For existing.

14.3.10

Bile.

Vomit.
Goodbye to you.



Food.
Goodbye to you.



Pills.
Hello, my love.

11.3.10

Jo.
And.
Jess.

Two years.
Sixteen.
Red Car.
White Pick Up.
San Fransisco.
Jo.
Jess.
John.
Marcus.
The Roaring Twenties.
Broadway.
Nine West stilettos.
Fuse.
Apartment 24.
Reading erotica out loud in the book store.
Popeye's.
Lombard.
Frisco Bay Inn.
Van Ness.
Columbus.
Gold's Club.
300.
Thirty minutes.
Client.
Job.
Boss.
Business.
Cut.
Sky Vodka.
Henessy.
White Grape Smirnoff.
Peeping.
The House of Nauking.
Caesar Salads.
I Hop.
3730 Filmore St.
The Park.
St.Patrick's Day.
Glamorous- Fergie.
Hercules.
Car that smells like spit.
You taste like apples.
Seth Rogen.
Red Lipgloss.
Abduction.
FBI.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.




Jo.
And.
Jess.







*

I didn't eat all day yesterday.

But then I ate at night,
But I can throw up again.

Hep.

9.3.10

*

I did not eat today.

*

I did not eat yesterday.

7.3.10

Bile.

WHAT THE FUCK.
WHY CAN'T I THROW UP.
FOR TWO DAYS.



You.
Body.
You're fucking everything up for yourself.


You could be beautiful.
But if you throw fits like this.
No one will want you.




Again.