26.5.10

The world looks like a finger painting done with broken hands.

24.5.10

Cognitive Babble.

I don't want you.
To feel like.
I'm using you.
For your skin.
I'm just confused.
And physically misconstrued.
It makes me feel like we're alive.
I do not believe myself.
To be physically appealing.
I'm surprised every moment.
You show care.
Every moment you touch me.
I look at you.
And I feel bad.
As if you're obligated.
To be caged by me.
As if I'm a gap filler.
Until somebody more creative comes along.
I feel like I'm slipping.
And sex is how I keep you here.
I know you worry that I'm only.
Here for physical contact.
I'm just afraid.
To show that I care about you.
In another manner.
I want to tell you that you're beautiful.
And I can feel something.
In my chest.
Like I'm falling off a cliff.
When we gaze.
And that's why I can't look.
Into your eyes.
I want.
To tell you things.
But physically.
My body won't let me.
I want you to know I care.
And I want this.
With you.
But when I kiss your neck.
I feel like it says it.
For me.
I don't want you to know.
That you're the person.
I never thought I would achieve.
And.
I think.
You're going to realize.
You're more normal.
Than I am.
And you'll get over me.
For someone.
Who smokes a lot of weed.
And can.
Verbally express.
What you mean to them.
And I will continue.
To be silent.
Until I inebriate.
Myself enough.
But then it'd be already over.

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19.5.10

The first thing she said to me.
You got skinny.

She asked me if I was doing drugs.
I told her I don't really like them anymore.
Other than occasional Cocaine.

She told me she asked because my weight loss was shocking.






And.
Then I realize I must have really been at an unhealthy weight previously.
Cocaine.
Absinthe.
He went to buy cigarettes.
The song came on.
And I couldn't stop crying.
And I played guitar sloppily.
But it felt right.
And I couldn't stop crying.
He came home.
And I explained it to him.
And I couldn't stop crying.


And I wish I didn't let him see it.
But I couldn't stop crying.

13.5.10

!

I was sitting in Italian.


I just realized.


Life isn't about your  body.


OH MY GOD.



Like, honestly.

People like you for who you are.
Not what you are.

I mean, I'm still going to do this thing.

But I'm not this thing.
It isn't me.
It does not define me.
It does not give me worth.
Or take my worth.


I mean.
Looking good.
And being thin.

It's fun.
But.
It just is like.
On top.

I don't know how to explain.







I'm human.

What the fuck.

How didn't I know that.

Oh. Ah. Oo.


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I believe I am having a spout of depression.
I'm just.
I feel afraid that I"m not meant for this.

I feel like because of everything that has been.
That was.

I feel like I can't do it like everyone does.
I can't make it in this world.

And that's one of the reasons why I spent a year.
With closed eyes.
And blood between my thighs.

It's because I'm scared that I'm not good enough to make it in this world.
That I'm not smart enough.

People tell me that I'm intelligent.
But I'm not smart in the way that's going to get me anywhere.
I'm psychologically smart.
I know people.

I'm smart with random facts.

But I'm afraid I'm not going to make it here.
In this.
Society.

I don't fit with people.
Everyone.
They have these morals.
And ways of interaction.

I don't know exactly how to explain how other people are normal.

And I know people run around asking what is normal.
But we all fucking know it's there.
It's the rules.

I think normal is people without trauma.
Or dusty memories.
People who don't think too much.
And find out too much.

I'm okay with not being normal.
And being a social... oddity.
Well.
I don't suppose I am to such a point.
But I give off vibes.
That can be incorrect.
Or I seem hateful.


But I want to be able to ease through all of this.
Like them.
And stop going through moments.
Where I change again.
I want stability.
And structure.
And organization.

But I don't think that's who I am.
I don't like to stay in one place.

I get tired of it.
And curious on other things.

But I don't want to leave people that I love.
Some I can leave and keep in touch with.
And see every now and then.


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But I don't want to...

I just want someone to run around with me.

They will be my constant.
My stability.
Just one.

Just one thing.
That stays.


I realized.
That the reason why I get attached to inanimate  objects.
Is because they will never leave.
They will never judge me.
They will always be mine.
As long as I love them.


That's why I wanted a kitten.
Though he isn't inanimate.
But he will not leave me.
And he will love as long as I do.



I don't get why I'm so.
Why I need care so much.

I understand that all people need to be cared about.
And to be loved.

But why is it.
The focus of my life.



I understand all of the things that happened to me have affected me.
But I don't pine over them anymore.
And I don't destroy myself over them anymore.




But I still have this great need to acquire the feeling of love.



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9.5.10

Jane.

I am freaking out.
I'm freaking out.


Like.
What the fuck.
I am freaking out.
And I have to suck this up.
And shove it down my throat.
And hide it.
I really.
I don't know.
My face is crying.
But I don't know why.
I don't know why I'm freaking out.
I just keep looking at myself.
And I'm never going to be just normal..

How is everyone so skinny?
I don't get it.
Everyone makes me feel bad for what I'm doing.

But they have to be doing it, too.

Or I'm really meant to be a melting pile of skin.

And the other situation.
What the fuck am I doing.
I don't think I can do it.
It's too much.
It's just going to.
End up.
In.

Something too destructive.

I can't be upset anymore.

But being numb just scares me.
And starts up the old life.



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Well, I don't fucking know, then.
Neither extremes work.



Well oh they might wear classic Reeboks
Or knackered Converse
Or tracky bottoms tucked in socks
But all of that's what the point is not
The points that's there ain't no romance around there
And there's the truth that they can't see
They'd probably like to throw a punch at me
And if you could only see them, then you would agree
Agree that there ain't no romance around there 

8.5.10

Werewolf.

I played Harrison with him.
And I was going to sing for him.
But.
I had an anxiety freak.

He kept saying it's no big deal.
I know it's annoying.
And I know it doesn't seem like it should be one.

But it is for me.
I felt like crying.
Physically trembling.
I just felt stupid.

I know I pissed him off.

7.5.10

Smell.

Spit that tastes like wine.
Eyes that bleed the rhyme.
I chew your skin with slime.
You're the butter in wasted time.
My fingerprints stain your hands.
Imaginary lines that make the man.
And as Burgundy breaks the band.
Little girl smiles at the risk of the thrusting scam.

The dust that ate my stomach has rotted into crust.
Blown by the words that are spoken with lust.
And all that's withered is now a beautiful bust.
You smell like music.
Smell like the metal under rust.

All that is left of me.
Is  something sweet twisted with apologies.
I'm sorry for the broken boiling sea.
That dissipated your mind into insanity.
Their words pet and stroke what's only mine.
But I've closed those eyes and murdered that life.

You're even beautiful when the sun does not rise.
You're even beautiful when we're eaten by the flies.

Photobucket

I Gotta Change My Mind Tonight
I Can Still Change My Mind Tonight
Merging In Traffic Cross The Lanes And Then We Become
Something Bigger Than Just Any One
Oh And Everything Hits At Once
What We Needs Is Just What We Wants
I Go To Sleep And Think That You're Next To Me
I Go To Sleep And Think That You're Next To Me

This.

Oh M God.

6.5.10

.

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I feel dead.

Why.

Like. What the fuck.
I do not have any care.

For two days.
I've just been in this twisted.
Dead.
Dead.
Dead.
State.

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I can not care for anyone.
But I want to.
I do.

I've been sleeping.
I can sleep any time I want.
Now.
And in a second from now.
And a second ago from now.

This happened when I tried birth control.

And I'm supposed to be very hungry at the beginning of the month.
Because I'm supposed to be preparing for my period.


I don't think I'm getting my period.


Photobucket

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very....

Sunshine.

Now it's known.
And now.
I don't know what to do.
   






Now.
He knows how dirty my body is.
And how wasted I am.






Clubs and sticks and bats and balls
for nuclear dicks with dialect drawls
they come from a parking lot town
where nothing lives in the sun

4.5.10

Caramel.

What the fuck am I doing.
Fucking.
Eating.


I really.
I'm really mad about this.

I can't cry, though.
It'd be wrong.

The kittan.
I was right.

He makes me feel like I'm not alone.

Maybe I do have alone problems.
Because of the isolation I used to be.
Infused in.


Today, I have been dead,
But,
Music fixed it half way.
As always.

This woman in my class.
She told me she liked how I could pull off red lipstick.

The boy in my class seems to be intrigued by me.
And intimidated.
But I'm not very much.
Interested in him any longer.

This boy.
This certain boy.
I didn't realize how much I really worry.
All the time.
And.
I'm going to stop bothering on it again.

People.
Are simple.
And some are beautiful.
And some are the black dirt under your fingernails.
That you pick out until your fingerbed bleeds.

I've been vomiting again.
But tonight.
My body wouldn't do it.

Which means it's getting bad again.

I wish it didn't do that.



I wasn't even hungry.
I just feel embarrassed when other people are eating.
Sometimes I just tell people.
Because it just makes it easier to act the way I do.


But.
I don't wan't people to know.


I feel boring.

I did not like myself today.


Well.
I'll just.
Play Harrison.









I could be you
If I wanted to
But I've never got the time
You could be me
And pretty soon you will be
But you're gonna need a line

.

I like being sober.


I like.










OHP.

I am getting a kitten today.
And he's going to love me.
His name is Cow.


And.



Life is simple.


And.
I think I'm a good person again.

I visited Sacramento.
Went to Laylinas.
Ashley.
Tyler.
Brian.
Poopsie.
And.
Aideen.


This guy named Alex that I met previously there.
Ran into me.
Walter begged to see me.
Including offering to buy me a gram of Cocaine.


I didn't drink.
Poopsie brought Cocaine.
I need to find out his real fucking name.


He was the one I got into a DUI with.


Brian....




I forgive him.
I don't think it was rape.
Maybe like half.
I don't think it was his intention.
It just kind of became one.




I think he's changed, too.
Maybe he realizes.
People are human.
Not fully.
But it's trickling through him.


I stood with "Poopsie"
While the other boys sat in the car.
And we talked about what love seemed to be.
To us.
And to the world.


He's a good boy.


I think he's just.
Lost in the game.


I talked to Aideen about how his friends use him.
I don't think he wants to know.
But I just feel weird watching them run all over him.
I mean.
Someone's got to give him worth.
He's a sweet guy.


Tyler and I spent the night.
Talking about society.
And men's greasy attempts.
At lust.




Layed in the bed with Ashley.
Like we were seventeen club kids again.
Talked about.
The boys.
Hovik.


And I talked about him a little bit.
I was thinking about telling my dad about it.
But I don't know how to get it out of my mouth.


It felt different last night.


I had anxiety attacks all through my sleep.
It's never happened with someone else there.
I was with my face to his chest.
And I woke up.
And freaked out.
And turned around.


And today, I've woken into depression.
Maybe not depression.
I'm just empty.
No soul.
No emotions.
I didn't feel anything.


I feel like I've eaten too much.


But I've only had some peanut butter today.


I met a girl who is now my friend.
Which will be good for me.


I feel like I'm starting to become more closed off with him.
And appearing to be more superficial.


I feel like.
I get old to people.
I'm only interesting for a short while.




I'm trying to talk about weight.
Money.
Rehab.
Drugs.
And anything negative.
Less.






I feel like I'm just fucking boring.


3.5.10

Black.

I am full.

From life.