29.8.10

School is tomorrow.
And I'm totally good for it.
I suppose I am nervous.
But I'm good at talking myself out of it.
And I have good classes.

No one is free today.
And I'm kind of stuck in my house.
But I feel okay.
This day has been positive somehow.

Eating has been.
SO FUN.
Oh my god.
And people do it all the time.

Hahhaa.

I mean,
I think I thought that if I kept myself from pleasure,
It would prove to me I was strong.
And had self control.
And that I could follow rules if I set them.

But I'm on a hair mission.

Actually,
I bought this stuff.
And my hair already feels better.

Ariana is a nice girl.
And I like her when she acts like herself.
She is a bit like me.
In some aspects.
And I really appreciate it when I notice those things.

We were going to go to a party.
But I guess it didn't exist...?

I get ready, and I feel really good about how I look.
Well.
Not my body.

Actually,
What the fuck.
I feel like I have the same body I used to.
I think it's just smaller.
But it's the same body...
That fat.
In those places.
That body.

I wonder what my skinny body looks like.
I feel like it's completely different.
And once I achieve it, 
A new phase in life will start.


I get in the car.
This Dak Wilson boy picks me up.
In a nice old BMW.
Drives like the do in Sac.
And my ptsd fucked me right there.
I could feel the car crash again.
And I usually do a good job preparing myself for them.
But I knew if it happened in this car.
It would fucking hurt.

Elise is just.
Embarrassing herself with her poor manners.
Like dragging a child around.

Bryan claims being with me is like dragging a child around.
But due to my societal ignorance.
Rather than her.
Her...
Just her fucking complaining and rude remarks towards her sister.

We stand outside and get high while deciding what to do about this absence of party situation.

I like girls who smoke weed.

I could be friends with a lot of people based on weed.


Elise sits in the car.
Wah.

We get in and go to Ariana and Elise's house.
And the mother is gone.
I guess the mother called Ariana earlier.
Begging her to go and drink some 100 proof Captain Mo?

What the fuck.

I heard a story once that this woman,
She gets drunk at one of the daughter's parties.
And shows her tits to the young boys.


We're in the car on the way, and Elise.
Ariana is talking to Dak.
I'm just thinking about my weird things.
And Elise interrupts Ariana and says,
"God, she's just taaaaalking and taaaaaalking"
And I'm supposed to react, I guess.
But I was just like..
What the fuck.

Ariana is obviously embarrassed, but continues her conversation.

I wondered what I would do.
And I would get in one of my destroy moments.
Where I can just look at someone.
And all of these words come out of my mouth.
And I can really hurt someone.
Because most people talk shit just by calling names.
But I get in their heads.
And I use what they hate about themselves against them.

I know too much about people.

We get there.
And we drink some very good wine.
Barefoot seems to have been good wine in my life.
And then we have Rum.

Every time before I start drinking,
Always comes up the chaser conversation.
And I always just don't ask for one.
I always anticipate for the first shot to be horrible.
But it always is just smooth.
Like water.
And alcohol is mellow to me.

This Dak boy.
So normal.

SO NORMAL.

Really normal people.
They're so boring.
What is in your life?
Like,
Have you really seen the world?

I don't know.

I talk about my places too much.
I just tell people it's boarding school.



But I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to think about those places.

We end up at my house somehow.
Ariana and I are simply drunk.
And I don't care about being a fool in front of this boy.

We just laugh.

He decides he isn't giving her a ride home.

So she sleeps over.

It was nice.
Having a friend spend the night.

Makes me feel young.

I learned some finger picking on guitar.

But it's nothing I could sing along with.

I want to start singing.

I hate my boobs.
I hate them.
I am going to get them done.


I really am.
I get angry when I think about them.


They suck.

And he doesn't like them, either.

GOD, I FUCKING HATE THEM.
I HATE MY FUCKING.
STUPID.
MOTHER FUCKER TITS.
I FUCKING HATE THEM.
AND I'M GOING TO GOD DAMN FIX THEM.



BITCHES.

RUDE.


I hate them.

28.8.10

My hair is REALLY fucking up.
I counted, and it's been nine months since I started.
I'm just going to join a gym.
At my college.
And I'm eating only hair positive foods.
Only.
If it's neutral, I don't eat it, really.
And if it's negative, Nooooo Waaaay.
Which means I have to switch to decaf.

And eat....

22.8.10

He keeps telling me all week before we go.
"You know, this is totally going to be a bro thing."
And, duh, I know.
I know bro things.
Trust me, man.

I meet Tom for the first time.
And I'm usually bad at first impressions.
But when there's Whiskey.
And a long car ride to Vegas.
I get over myself pretty quickly.
And start talking all my stupid shit without bother.
And I think I could tell he appreciated it at the party.
That I was acting normal.
And that I wasn't being the weird girlfriend, or whatever.

I haven't eaten anything but fruit for over a week.
And I ate in Reno, But I threw up over and over and over.
Before that, I hadn't eaten anything but fruit in another week.
I'm just not hungry.
I take two sips of beer,
And I can't put anything else in me.

I have three shots.
And I'm fucking wasted.
My vision is wasted.
My mind is wasted.
And my tongue is tricky.

Fuck it,
I have a tight leather jacket on.


We get in,
And go to god damned Vegassssssss MOTHER FUCKER.

In honour of Lucas.
It was me, Bry, Lucas,........Franco, and Tom.
I'm glad Franco came.
Because he got all the shit.
And I knew if he didn't come,
I'd be the one taking it.
hehehehhehehehheheheh.
Betch.

We start our drive with AC/DC.
Right when we hit the highway, TNT.
And I'm drunk.
And when I have Whiskey and AC/DC touching me at the same time.
I don't know, man.

Every time I get in a car.
I always prepare myself to be okay to die.
We start the trip, 
And I announce my accepted death.

I spent the whole ride laying with him.
Heh.

I like his friends.
They know how to hang out with a couple, if that makes sense.
Because sometimes, there's the girlfriend who's just a girlfriend.
But I would prefer to be....I don't know.
Just relaxed.
And involved.

We get there around nine in the morning.
It is so fucking hot.
And I hadn't eaten in a while.
I had some bread int he car.
Drunkenly.
But, dude,
We got it from the bakery JUST made.
If I'm going to fuck up with food.
It's going to be fresh bread from the bakery.
I was planning on eating with them all through Vegas.
But I couldn't do it.
And It pissed me off.
Because it makes it awkward.

......Is that really how you spell awkward?

Anyways,
It came in waves.
We walked around so much in the day.
I was fucked from the two sips of Whiskey.
And on empty.
Hahahha.
Past empty.
And it was that weak stomach tweak.
That makes you question your strength. 
And it came in waves.
But I didn't care about my body much.
I wanted to hang out in Vegas.
Yeah?

DUDE.
Went to the Hard Rock Cafe', or whatever.
And saw some crazy shit.
The Doors memorabilia.
Such as Morrison's doodles from high school.
And Led Zeppelin.
Ah.
Ahhhhh.

Snoop Dogg drums..... Peh.

And I realized.
I really don't like Bob Dylan much.
Sorry, world.
But the words are good, and all.
But it sounds too shitty for me to deal with it.

Oh.
Beatles.
Memorabilia.
Meow.

Okay, so we check in at the hotel.
And it's fucking cool.
A nice hotel.
A nice room.
A POOL.

Bryan spreads out the Coke and Molly.
And I start freaking out.
It was there for too long.
Like,
I can deal with it around me for a couple minutes,
But I started fiending so bad.
It's like an anger.
And paranoia.
And anxiety.
And fear.

I went to the bathroom and took a shower/bath.
And I cried.
I don't know why.
But I just cry when I fiend.
It's like I'm out of control.
And I need it.
Sometimes, I believe I'm going to die if I don't get it.

But I calmed myself down.
And he could tell something was wrong.
But I knew it was just a dumb part of me.
So, I just repressed it.
Smoked some weed.
Had a good nap.

Panda calls me.
And I'm high and really exhausted.
And it's so fucking hot on the balcony.
But she was crying.
And I don't know how to explain how important that is.
And I felt really shitty.
I'm usually good at advice.
But I didn't know how to help her.
It was just so shitty.
I expected it to get better for her.
Because this shit always happens.
And then fades in her life.
But this was too much.
And I couldn't find a solution for her.
And I felt bad about being high.
And in Vegas.

We wake up.
And I put some make up on.
Which has been a while.
I'm just kind of in a Mascara Lipstick phase.

Get Lucas' ass up.
Pick on Franco until he buys papers.
Bitch.

And we start our drug flavoured journey to Wolfmother.
Lust.

We miss J Roddy Walston and the Business.
Fack.
But we get there.
Get in.
And fucking Tom gets caught up with my Coke tube.
And it was fucked, man.
Bry and I go on for the show.
Fucking Onnnnnnnnn.
And WOLFMOTHER COMES THE FUCK ON STAGE.
And I see Andrew.
And it was just.

I don't think I'm ever going to believe that happened.
It was beautiful there.
Poolside.
And, I guess the pool had sand in it.
And beds on the side.
And there was a bar with free water.
Thank god.

We get in the crowd.
I'm just jumping and banging.
Some buff guy in front of me decides ass to vagina with me was nice.
And some middle aged Indian decides that dick to ass with me was nice.
And then there's Bryan's arm around me somehow in the middle of it.
And I was just like what the fuck.
I want to enjoy a show.
People think about sex too much.
Such as I.
Anyway, I push them off.
A fight starts behind Bryan.
They get over it.
I pat the guy on the shoulder and tell him to enjoy the show.
We start head banging.
And then Moshing started up.
And it was so fucking cool.
I was in children's size 14 jeans.
Tight.
And it felt good to wear something that fit.
And my black converse.
Who are the only shoes who could ever love me so.
And moshing was something I feel like I had waited for.
It's just where you can fully experience your body reacting to the music.
And you enjoy it with everyone else.
It was quick before the security broke it up.
And that really bummed me.
Bry was sick a lot.
And kept leaving to vomit.

We catch with Franco.
And that kid is just ON.
OOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN.

We walk around to scope the scene.
Franco was too cool for us, and left.
Ended up puking while head banging.
On some chicks leg.
Just bailed.
Heh.

I look over,
Some lesbian calls me over.
Turns out to be some Mexican boy.
Maybe Chilean.
Who cares.

Asks my name.
Tells me I'm very pretty.
And asks what I'm doing with "this guy"
And I just told him that I loved him.
Duh.

People are dumb.

We walk back around and some group of black guys swarm around and try to get a picture with me.
Bryan got upset for a second.

We lay on the bed.
And, it's like slow motion.
Tom comes out of nowhere.
And Bryan runs up and jumps on him.
And I was just like WHAAAT.
It was fucking great.
Lucas shows up, and I kiss him on the cheek.
And Franco shows up.
And it was just all of us, Man.
On drugs.
Wolfmother.
Pool side.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

God damn.
God.
Damn.

After the show is over,
We just fuck around Vegas.
There were some really lost people.
And a lot of sloppy drunk girls.
And men who tried to smile at me while I was with Bryan.
That whole test.
To see if you can get the girlfriend to wink at you while she's with her guy.

It was the coolest thing ever.
Just a bunch of us loser teenagers.
In Vegas.
Fucked up.
Before Lucas goes to the Marines.
And It's kind of.
Sad.
That he's really going to be gone.
For so long.

It's fucking stupid.
Fucking.


Tom and I kind of ended up walking together a lot.
Drugenly talking.

Some lesbian tried to dance with me at Wolfmother.
Leg wrapped around my body.
Hah.
Fucking lesbians always do that shit.

We get to the hotel room, and I want a fucking stripper whore.
And Lucas is sleeping.
And I'm trying to buy him a whore.

I call the place.
It was weird being in the position of trying to buy one.
Rather than being one...
It was nice.
I kind of wanted them to come, I guess.
Because I feel like by being on the opposite side of the situation,
It would kind of balance out the fact I was ever in that situation.
Well,
And it would just be fucking fun.
And we were in Vegas.
And tits are fun, man.

I was going to throw down a lot of money.
But it was just a lot of money.
Got high.
Went to bed.

We wake up feeling straight up fine.
And I like waking up with him.
I like his face.

Garlic powder for breakfast.
HHEHEHBEIKJEBF:KJS:FKLBKLJDBF.
And we go on these fucking crazy rides.
Tom and I were about to bungee jumping.
Should have fucking done it.
On Cocaine and Molly.
Yes.

I was so scared on the rides, I was trembling.
Hahaha,
And my voice was just shaking.
I don't care.
It's fun to test your death.
Fuck it.
They get In and Out.
And we all stare at this chick with fake tits.
And then we fucking leave.
And it's so god damn hot.

We get to the Welcome to Vegas sign.
Prop up Franco,
Who slaps the Santa Cruz sticker on it.
Hehehe.
And get a couple pictures.

And we leave, god damnit.
We get to SC at one am.
TBones house.
And finish all of our booze.
And smoke a faaaaaaaaaaaat spliff.
I was fucked uppppp.
And, I guess I talked too much.
I hate when I go that.
It's like I just start talking, 
And in the middle of it,
I'm just like "Woah, what the hell am I talking about"
No recollection of why I started speaking.
Or what about.

We get hoooooommmmmmmme.
And Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
And we wake up today.
And it was nice.
He told me that he loved me.
And was really glad I came.
And that I could definitely hang with the boys.

Duh, man, I told you.

Vegas was Amazing.

16.8.10

DUDE.
So,
Gosh, I just can't believe this.

Have I really just sit here and pity myself again?

God damnit, I got stuck in this when I was fifteen.
Like a spoiled bitch.


LIKE, AHAHAHAHHAHA.
My life is damn good right now.
My life is so easy.
Like, I'm spoiled.

I'm wasting my time.
And I have so much good right here.

DUH.

God damn myself.


Okay, I'm happy.
I promise.


Oh.
I think I'm going to start eating.
But maybe just fruits and vegetables.
But maybe a lot of them.

And maybe I'll have ice cream some times.

15.8.10

I feel like the ground is really slippery.

I feel like this isn't really interesting to him.
Because he's already done this before.
And I'm excited.
And he's not really excited.
And I feel like a part of him hates me.

I would do a lot more for him.
Than he would do for me.

And I don't like myself recently.
I feel like I don't deserve anything.
And I've been in waves.
It's annoying.
One month, it's simple.
And the next one, I'm just upset.

I mean, he can't love me.
I don't think so.

I just don't think that's what happens.
With me.

I mean, when you love someone, you're choosing for them to be really something special and important to you.
And I'm okay, you know.
But I don't think I'm someone you go that extreme with.
I'm just.
I'm not very.
I don't know.
I don't know why people think I'm anything.


But then I sit there and think what is really bad about me.
And I seem like a good person.
And I like my personality.
And i was happier before.
Oddly, during the Armenian scene.

So, I can be happy here.
Or I should.
I think I'm just freaking out.
Because I don't think  I'm smart enough for this world.

10.8.10

Recently realized.

That you can love someone and hate yourself.

But you can't really express love when you don't love yourself.

And, honestly.
I'm not that horrible.
I would say.

7.8.10

I don't think that amazing of sex had been invented until last night.

4.8.10


I don't understand why I deserve anything.





I gained seven pounds.






I wish I could be bulimic forever.



Well.
No.
I just have to go back to the other one.
And I can be that forever.

3.8.10

I kind of went three days without vomiting.
The first day, I gave up twice.
 I tried to do it, but just acid was coming out.
And then I didn't want to disappoint everyone.
The next day, He called at 3 am drunk.
Like...Drunk.
And I hadn't digested any of the alcohol I drank.
So I had to vomit that.
 
Oh, well I guess it was four days.
I didn't eat much yesterday.
I did well all today.
And then I came home stoned.
And vomited three times.
 
And I just feel.
Stupid.


I'm just duuuumb asssss fuuuuuck.

And he's upset.
He calls and she asked if he loved me.
And I just assumed he wouldn't tell her.
Because he wouldn't want her mad.
And I guess he told her that he did.
And I didn't know what to say.
So I kept saying Yeah.
Because.

I just didn't think she would ever know.

He calls later and.
I don't know how to help.
Because when he talks about that whole situation.
I just go blank.
And I just don't want to think anything about it.
And I think he resents that.

Cocaine is fucking with my head again.
And I really fucking god damn need it right mother fucking now.
And my fucking nose.
Is itchy.
I fucking.
I just want it.
And I want it to shut my stomach up.


I wrote a song about it.
And put chords to it.


I miss him.
And i want to tell him all of these things in my head.
And I imagine doing so.
And now I sit here.
And I don't think I would.

It's just.
This feeling is going to destroy me.
He has so much potential to just hurt me.
And it's frightening.

This Armenian.
Contacted me.
And Kept pushing and pushing.
And I wish people respected relationships.

I.
Feel really worthless.
I gained five pounds.
And I was at 120 before.
And.
I don't have my license or a car for now.
And.

Like why am I even getting the iud.

I feel like.
I'm just not worth it.
Other people should get iuds.

I have to stop eating.
It's making me depressed.

I feel so greasy and slimy.
And melty.
And I don't want him to see the difference in my body.

I think I'm fooling myself.
And thinking I'm greater than I really am.
And then I sit here.
And realize what the fuck I am.
And it's just.
Such a disappointment.

My mind is getting all fogged again.
I think it's from the eating stuff.

Beh.


I wish I could do something.
To just knock me out for a while.

But I don't think things change when you wake up.
It's all the same.

I've been talking to my friends about some things.
That are weird about my life.
And some of them thought the same things I did.

People are really fucked up.
People are disturbing.
And twisted.


And I'm never going to work in this world.



Melissa.
I can not give her all that she needs.
She just yells and yells.
About how she isn't getting everything she needs.
She says that all I care about is my boyfriend.
But.
He just lives with me.
And he isn't clingy.
And he's a lot more relaxing than she is.

And I am not good enough for her.


Supposedly, I am a heartless bitch.

I told her that she should be able to handle things on her own.
She says that she does.
She has other friends.
And I tell her, No.
I mean on her own, by herself.
She tells me that I know she can't be alone in these situations.
But.
You can't always just rely on someone to save you.
Because people have their own problems, too.
And I tried telling her that I need to focus on my problems right now.
She does not care.

She wants herself to be satisfied.
I want a break.

I want to focus on myself.