29.8.10

School is tomorrow.
And I'm totally good for it.
I suppose I am nervous.
But I'm good at talking myself out of it.
And I have good classes.

No one is free today.
And I'm kind of stuck in my house.
But I feel okay.
This day has been positive somehow.

Eating has been.
SO FUN.
Oh my god.
And people do it all the time.

Hahhaa.

I mean,
I think I thought that if I kept myself from pleasure,
It would prove to me I was strong.
And had self control.
And that I could follow rules if I set them.

But I'm on a hair mission.

Actually,
I bought this stuff.
And my hair already feels better.

Ariana is a nice girl.
And I like her when she acts like herself.
She is a bit like me.
In some aspects.
And I really appreciate it when I notice those things.

We were going to go to a party.
But I guess it didn't exist...?

I get ready, and I feel really good about how I look.
Well.
Not my body.

Actually,
What the fuck.
I feel like I have the same body I used to.
I think it's just smaller.
But it's the same body...
That fat.
In those places.
That body.

I wonder what my skinny body looks like.
I feel like it's completely different.
And once I achieve it, 
A new phase in life will start.


I get in the car.
This Dak Wilson boy picks me up.
In a nice old BMW.
Drives like the do in Sac.
And my ptsd fucked me right there.
I could feel the car crash again.
And I usually do a good job preparing myself for them.
But I knew if it happened in this car.
It would fucking hurt.

Elise is just.
Embarrassing herself with her poor manners.
Like dragging a child around.

Bryan claims being with me is like dragging a child around.
But due to my societal ignorance.
Rather than her.
Her...
Just her fucking complaining and rude remarks towards her sister.

We stand outside and get high while deciding what to do about this absence of party situation.

I like girls who smoke weed.

I could be friends with a lot of people based on weed.


Elise sits in the car.
Wah.

We get in and go to Ariana and Elise's house.
And the mother is gone.
I guess the mother called Ariana earlier.
Begging her to go and drink some 100 proof Captain Mo?

What the fuck.

I heard a story once that this woman,
She gets drunk at one of the daughter's parties.
And shows her tits to the young boys.


We're in the car on the way, and Elise.
Ariana is talking to Dak.
I'm just thinking about my weird things.
And Elise interrupts Ariana and says,
"God, she's just taaaaalking and taaaaaalking"
And I'm supposed to react, I guess.
But I was just like..
What the fuck.

Ariana is obviously embarrassed, but continues her conversation.

I wondered what I would do.
And I would get in one of my destroy moments.
Where I can just look at someone.
And all of these words come out of my mouth.
And I can really hurt someone.
Because most people talk shit just by calling names.
But I get in their heads.
And I use what they hate about themselves against them.

I know too much about people.

We get there.
And we drink some very good wine.
Barefoot seems to have been good wine in my life.
And then we have Rum.

Every time before I start drinking,
Always comes up the chaser conversation.
And I always just don't ask for one.
I always anticipate for the first shot to be horrible.
But it always is just smooth.
Like water.
And alcohol is mellow to me.

This Dak boy.
So normal.

SO NORMAL.

Really normal people.
They're so boring.
What is in your life?
Like,
Have you really seen the world?

I don't know.

I talk about my places too much.
I just tell people it's boarding school.



But I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to think about those places.

We end up at my house somehow.
Ariana and I are simply drunk.
And I don't care about being a fool in front of this boy.

We just laugh.

He decides he isn't giving her a ride home.

So she sleeps over.

It was nice.
Having a friend spend the night.

Makes me feel young.

I learned some finger picking on guitar.

But it's nothing I could sing along with.

I want to start singing.

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