16.10.10

Okay.
STOP VOMITING.
God damn it.
I always do this when I visit my parents.

And I've thought about why I never consider wasting food.
It's money.
And it's brought down from my family.
My mother.
When we were poor.


Hate food.
Waste it.
Save it for later.

And I'm using my period as an excuse.
And their money for chocolate cake.

And these abs that I found.
From working out.

Work out.
Work out.

Begonia comes to visit. 
Hitch hikes from the City.
Designer drug.
Speed.
Tom and Bryan.
Chris and Sophia.

I've gotten Begonia speechless from my psychiatric babble.

And I over think.
I over talk.
Paranoia.
And shaking.
It fades into a drastic come down.
Of heart attacks and exhaustion.
But no sleep.
No sleep.


It was weird doing that drug around him.
And him being on that drug.
Jo.
It was like he felt the same drug she felt.

Every time I see him with big pupils.
I feel like.
Some kind of connection. 
Because I have the memory.
The frozen image of the first vomit of the night.
At the Dead Weather.
And he lifted his head and pulled his hair back.
And it was the first time I ever saw him with those pupils.
But I always feel like it's us.


I don't know how to explain it.

I sang with them.
Poop.



He hugged me after the gays left and the other two went upstairs.
And hugged me for the longest time.
And on that drug.
I had no soul.
And I couldn't feel any love.
I knew I loved him.
But I couldn't feel it.

And we layed there.
And it was fucking horrible.

And it was an experience we all survived.

I don't think my mind worries about my relationship anymore.
Or more myself in the relationship.

I don't know what I worry about anymore.
School.
But.

Well, my weight as always, but nothing like before.
Maybe almost like a normal person worries about their weight.

Because I normally control my weight like a normal person.
And this vomiting has started to change my mind.

But I'm just going to go home and go to the gym every day.



He threw away my toothbrushes.
After asking me to throw them away for quite some time.
And I would laugh it off.
But I found them in the trash can the other day.

And it.
Made me.
Really happy.

And I've been thinking about how my life has changed since I met him.
And I got a job.
What the fuck.
He's turned my life into exactly what I wanted it to be.
But what I didn't think I could ever achieve.
And I guess it's because he didn't baby me.
Like they all do.
But don't simply make me worthless, either.
And I guess it's because I chose him.

Rather than the people who chose me.



Went shopping today.
Size two pants.
Size xs shirt.


School is going to kill me.
Or stress me out for a week or two.


I don't know what to do if I'm not going to have anything to hate about myself anymore.
I need some kind of game.
Money.
I'll just become job obsessed.
And muscle.
And grades.

OH YES.

Oh, I'm going to be perfecttttttt.
But in the most perfect way.

No comments:

Post a Comment