30.11.10

Kenny.
I look at the family picture.
And his parents stare at me.
And I realize what I did to them. 
The power I had over their son.
I am going to quit work.
I put on my black, shiny, spandex pants.
That look like black water on my thighs.
He likes my ass in it.
We cut a hole in it.
I feel like I have become a normal person now.
In the fact that I think like a normal person does.
I know society's morals.
I work.
I exist.
I learn.

Life is becoming a schedule.
And I don't feel young.

I feel like I have nothing to say.

I was bored at work.
The boy who works at Macey's walks by.
So I tell him to come over and ask if he has some.
I take my lunch, he calls a friend.
We smoke.
And it was chill.
I mean, it's obvious he was down for me, but
I made it daaaaaaaaaaaaamn obvious I was into Bryan.
And he didn't bother much.

Sex yesterday.
I wish I could tell you.
Oh.
All of a sudden.
He pulls out lotion, haha.
And gives me a fucking massage.


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
He's so attractive.

26.11.10

And here he is.





And, god he looks good.
Thanksgiving.
Ash came over.
Adam came over.
We got high.
And my mother smelled me.
I had my brother brush his teeth, chew gum, and wash his hands.
To save myself from insane punishment.
I just laughed.
I was high, and she was an angry Russian.
She tells me to apologize to Paul.
He lays there's on the couch and laughs at me.
Tells me not to tell my mother.
And we just laugh about what a sap Adam is.
Ash and I go to Oasis with a co-worker of hers.
A nice white boy.
Playing 107.9 radio.
Absolutely dreadful rap music.
I feel this energy.
Like I need to get out of this car.
With horrible music.
Who spent the night laughing at my jokes.
Oasis was packed for the first time ever.
White people and black men.
One wide black woman who was an entertaining dancer or my stoned mind.
Everything seemed like a joke.
The way the women danced like everyone wanted them.
Liquid courage.
They giggled like drunks.
Moved like drunks.
They wore literal club clothing.
And in my short dress, I found myself feeling classier.
You could tell what they were insecure about base on their clothing, make up, and body language.
Weak. All of them.
I see Amir.
I see Adam.
I don't acknowledge them.
Most horrible modern music made me laugh.
Bryan calls me.
And I tell him of my experience.
In the women's restroom.
Girls washing their hands as I speak of the humor I find in them.
I see Hayley.
I politely say hello and compliment her new hair colour.
She whispers to me that she does not like me.
I see the Persian that was in my car when I got the DUI.
He tells me he recognizes me from somewhere.
I am aware that I have certainly transformed my appearance.
I tell him that he knows me
And I smirk and walk along.
Ashley tells me to look to my left.
I see Arsham.
He sees me.
I laugh.
We spot Teo on the dance floor.
He looks the same.
They all do.
They all are.
He looks good.
He's Teo.
He comes over and stares at me.
With a smile of expectation.
As if it's supposed to be some passionate moment in time.
It is not.
Asks how I am.
Hugs me.
And it was obvious he was trying to make me feel like I've been missing him all along.
I have not.
He tries to kiss my neck.
I push him and I tell him no.
He tries to make me feel stupid about it, and I start to.
But I tell him that I cam not act like that with him.
He asks me to dance.
I tell him no.
He will not let go of my hand.
I pull, and he reaches again.
He whispers to Ashley.
Looks at me to find jealousy.
I simply play along with his demeanor.
Go ahead.
Try and have fun with her.
He tells me I look different.
I look good.
Asks if I'm still doing Oxy.
I tell him that I never do Oxy.
He asks why I look so clean.
Healthy.
I tell him I quit Cocaine.
He praises me.
Leaves.
The co-worker wants to leave.
We exit, and he tells me that Hayley spent the whole time talking poorly of me.
Says that he spaced out by the end, she was speaking so much.
Ashley adds that she told her that she does not like me because I slept with her fiancé.
But that was before I knew her.
And before he knew her.
And it's silly.
Because he is a horrible person.
He impregnated another woman, and with that knowledge, she continues to stay with him.
She is not a good person, either.
A liar.
Unfaithful.
Disloyal.
Whore.
We drive to his place.
Rap.
He brings a bottle of white zinfandel.
Some red wine.
And port.
All taste horrible.
The red wine was made with the skins.
We drive to my house.
I see Sasha with two boys.
I have him turn around and I get out.
Interrogate.
The boys stare at me.
They laugh at my jokes.
Agree with everything I say.
I know Sasha's once again built up an image for me.
We come and tell my mother good night.
She says that pot will take you to the grave.
I laugh and tell her it has not killed one soul.
And she knows she's silly about it.
We let this boy in.
Drink the wine.
He gets drunk.
I try.
I go to the restroom and chew a price of gum.
She asks if I threw up.
I show him my Jack Black face.
Very well appreciated.
Ashley plays rap and Russian techno.
I put on the Black Keys pandora.
Because of vomiting again,
I can feel the wine stay in my stomach.
Because I'm not digesting for shit right now.
He leaves eventually.
After laughing at what I say.
And eventually not being included in our girl talk.
He leaves.
Let's me keep the wine for a birthday present.
$100 bottle of port.
I give that and the Zinfandel to Ash.
Leftovers.
Fall asleep in my huge, plush, legendary bed.
Sasha climbs through the window with these friends.
I give them the red wine.
And glasses.
Go back to bed.
Wake up ten minutes before departure.
Miss the train.
Catch up with it in Berkeley.
Call Ashley.
She's still in my bed where I left her.
I climb onto the train.
Clean myself up.
Feel the wine in my stomach.
And here I am.
Listening to the Arctic Monkeys.
Five minutes from San Jose.
And I have to piss.

25.11.10

Dude.
I'm high right now.
And I have all of these thoughts in my head.
And I wonder what it would be like to write down everything my head thinks in a couple seconds.
Billie Holiday.
Brown Nipples.
T-Bone.
Bryan thinking T-Bone likes me.
Shawn.
Shawn and his girlfriend.
Walking to his house at night for free pills.
Fear and Loathing.
Oxycontin.
Throwing up in his bushes on the front lawn.
Twice.
Bad Adam.
And what he said.
Bounty Hunter.
And back to what he said.
And the park.
And the time with Shelby.
When he scared her.
And his bloodshot eyes.
And Sebastian pissing on his car.
And I stole his sticker.
And put out a cigarette on his window.
And he told me he knew it was me.
And I'm done.


God damnit.
That just turned out negative.

23.11.10

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I am confused.
I have been vomiting again.
And I have gained weight.
But I have new muscles.
But he's thin.
I have to be thin.

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At the grocer store today, he tells me a girl is cute.
I say that she is, but plain.
He says that she is really cute.
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The last comment just fucked it over.
I told him I don't want to hear it.
I don't wan to look at her face and secretly hear "My boyfriend is checking you out."
In my head.

There is this friend of his.
Who has become a great friend of mine.
And he keeps saying that his friend likes me.
In the wrong form.
That he is supposed to like me.
And I don't want to hear it.

I'm starting to learn how he works.
And how to work myself within that.
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Oh, And did I mention that I'm a bitch.
I realized this.
I am really mean to people.
And I say it in a joke.
I know where to hit them to degrade them in front of everyone.
But make it seem like a simple laugh.
And everyone joins.
And the person, themselves, laugh most of the time.
But they still feel bad.

I need to be alone more often.
I'm losing my own being.

FINALLY GOD DAMN.
Being in a relationship has left me needy.
And all I write about is him.

Being a woman, I think about him too much.
I need more that is simply my own.




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So here's to independence.


5.11.10

Today


hhehrywe


you ho


I have a story


go ahead


So I slapped Bryan in front of his friends.
Like a drunken joke.
And he got mad.
And tried to leave me.
And left while I was in bed.
ANd I ran with a shirt on and no bottoms.
And he said some really mean things.


oh jeez
that's awful


Yeah


so...is it chill now?


And I made him stay. And he slept away from me, but came to cuddle in the night. And when we woke, he barely remembered.
And I told him that he was the man for me, and he told me I'm eighteen and don't know a thing.


hmmm


And that I didn't know who he was.
And he kind of hit me.
but not exactly like that.

18:58
well that's not good


Yeahhhh.


well I hope things work out
that sounds pretty shitty


He apologized.
And said he doesn't understand what happened.


that's good


Or know.
And that we should forget it happened.
But the things he said confused me.


how's that?


Because sometimes I don't know if he loves me much.
But sometimes I do for sure.


hmm


But I don't want him and I to ever end.
And it seems like he imagines it will fade one day like his last girl.
And he doesn't fight for us.


tell him he needs too
And I was begging him to stay, and he told me that I'm acting like a pussy.
But I thought that's what you do.

well yes and no
you gotta be assertive and stuff, but breaking down like a girl and shit only works as a last resort
you shouldn't fall on that first


It wasn't my first, it was like desperation.


oh
well then idk


He was just completely heartless.
But I guess it's over. But I don't want to have to experience that again.


guys can be that way
idk sometimes they just lose focus of anything important and caring


Yeah, that happens to him. He said it's a mood.


sorta how wehen I came and visited I acted like I didn't care about anything
yeah that's how we are sometimes


Yeah.
That happens to me, too, but not with him.


doesn't mean we don't care, just means we didn't care that particular moment


Yeah. But girls are soooo annoyingly bothered by it.
They're weak.


being forced to care and fight for something when you're not particularly in the mood is difficult, sometimes we can't muster up the strength to do it, no matter how important it is
he'll apologize and make it up to you
....if he's smart haha


He did.
So I suppose he is.
I suppose.





19:13
:c
don't worry Mary
things will improve soon
Things are still perfect, though.
Moments like those are simply frightening, though,
you cannot enjoy a sunny day without rainy days my dear
perspective is the best thing in the world
now that this is passed, your good days will be better with him
don't focus on this for too long
or it'll happen again
Alex DeMarini is offline.