23.11.10

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I am confused.
I have been vomiting again.
And I have gained weight.
But I have new muscles.
But he's thin.
I have to be thin.

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At the grocer store today, he tells me a girl is cute.
I say that she is, but plain.
He says that she is really cute.
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The last comment just fucked it over.
I told him I don't want to hear it.
I don't wan to look at her face and secretly hear "My boyfriend is checking you out."
In my head.

There is this friend of his.
Who has become a great friend of mine.
And he keeps saying that his friend likes me.
In the wrong form.
That he is supposed to like me.
And I don't want to hear it.

I'm starting to learn how he works.
And how to work myself within that.
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Oh, And did I mention that I'm a bitch.
I realized this.
I am really mean to people.
And I say it in a joke.
I know where to hit them to degrade them in front of everyone.
But make it seem like a simple laugh.
And everyone joins.
And the person, themselves, laugh most of the time.
But they still feel bad.

I need to be alone more often.
I'm losing my own being.

FINALLY GOD DAMN.
Being in a relationship has left me needy.
And all I write about is him.

Being a woman, I think about him too much.
I need more that is simply my own.




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So here's to independence.


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