29.12.10

Life goes on.
I have to remember that.

I hate disappointment.
I fell asleep nauseous due to anger.
And I woke up crying.

He called me sweetie, though.
He has never called me that.
It's weird how words can affect your mood.


I feel like my relationship with my mother is soon to suffer.

25.12.10

It is like a movie.
I am in my fur coat and red lipstick.
I come to the kitchen for more wine.
He is there smoking a cigarette.
With his body inside for warmth.
Hand outside to ash.
He tells me that I look sexy.
He tells me that I lost a lot of weight.
I have him pour me a glass of wine.
And I only say thank you.
And mention that I live with my boyfriend.

And the other tells the wine pourer that I am most likely in need of more.
I foresaw all of this.

But speaking of the real him.
I wish he was here.
He is beautiful.
His body is beautiful.
And now I am wodering if he would understand it here.
The Russian music.
The clapping hands.
The obnoxious drunken comments.
We laugh at them here.
And don't think of them in the morning.
But he is fresh to this.


I don't know that he would clap.

I will inebriate him.

19.12.10

Love is messy.


And violent.



And absolutely lustful.

7.12.10

Archetype.

Yellow light.
And speed in your eyes.
It's all in the mind.
As it turns into falsification.

The metal still shines.
But it's lying this time.
You still believe every spoken line.
As you fall into the vision.

Of spurn and of forgiving touch.
You kiss your shoulder.
But you don't believe yourself.
They're fucking with you.

Odious.
Bitter.
And it dries your skin and your stomach.
And when you look over, you feel love.
But it's fucking with you, too.

Silence and pride.

But punishing will never lead to an apology.
And everything you complain about is hypocritical.
You change yourself to become what you've always wanted to be.
And to grow along.
But they're not growing along with you.

What is it when you learn how you hurt the world.
And you work to make it better.
When the world knows how to bring you down.
Yet it stays in the same place.


Dude.
I need to stop fucking with my head again.
I'm not happy when I starve myself or vomit.
I just have to eat healthy again.
And keep working the fuck out.

He.
I don't know.
He's been making me mad so much recently.
I think It's because.
I just get pissed.
And if he just said sorry.
I always tell him that.
I just want an apology.
But that's the thing.
He never feels bad.
He never cares when he hurts my feelings.
He thinks I deserve everything.
Bad.
He thinks he's doing me a favor.
He thinks so low of me.

But I'm not that bad.
I like the person that I am.
And I think he must like the person that I am.
But what the fuuuuck.
I AM SO CONFUSED.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT WHEN IT COMES TO HIM.

I have no idea about him.
He is always leaving me here confused about where he really is in all of this.

He just gives up.
But why.
Why am I not worth it.
Or why does he stop caring.
So quickly.

I try to just say what is honestly in my mind.
I try to see things from reality and make up.
But he won't make up.
Why.
Why does he want to stay mad at me.
I always tell myself.
I love him.
And I want him to be happy.
And I want us to be happy together.
So I get over it.
I'm not mad anymore.
But he is.
He's punishing me.


WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.




JUST GIVE A FUCK.
GOD DAMNIT.
CARE.

GOD DAMNIT.
NO VOMITING.
NO EATING.





PLEASE.

3.12.10

No more vomiting.
No more eating.