23.1.11

Anonymous.

It's got to be some kind of dream.
I'm runnin' into somethin' I don't see.
She's begging for some kind of relief.
But the only thing she's grabbing for is me.

I don't recognize.
The sun without the flies.

You aren't as beautiful as you scream.
They stained your skin, you scrub until you bleed.
It's a falsified prophecy.
You're becoming who you thought you'd be.

Sorrow made of an observation.
They tell you things to make sure that you listen.

You became. Something new.
The sun was overused. 

Questions that you never seemed to know. How to.
Understand, so you lived it. All through.

Your words. Are made of dust.
Your teeth began to rust.






Oh.
Dumb girl.
Bile is slithering through my veins once again.

It must have become a boring thing to state.

The feeling is so familiar.
Like chugging water when you are parched.

I am full.
And it feels incorrect. 






His mother refuses to meet me.
He has supposedly brought it up multiple times.


Yes, stay ignorant.
Don't worry about your son.
Just ignore what is not comfortable.


The things she knows about me should bring curiosity.
A week and a year of self hatred does not always destroy a person.
Sometimes the sun shines through the graveyard.
And I got bones begging for vitamins. 
He calls it dysfunctional. 


I call it spicy.














I feel like I'm waiting to explode.
All of my energy.
That has been hiding for so long.
Because I'm slowly coming out in this town.

I want to be a rock and roll star.
A soul star.
I want to look like sex melted on the street.

I want to kill people when I look at them.
I want them addicted.
Bleeding for me.

And I only give them a mystery.
That brings them closer to themselves.

19.1.11

THIS SUCKS.



HE IS EMPTY.


HE CAN'T ACKNOWLEDGE ME.




I'm angry.
But I want it solved.
All I did was tell him to listen to me.
And appreciate me.
And respect me.
And he is angry now.
And cold.
Heartless.
He doesn't worry.
He doesn't lose sleep over it.
He cares nothing.
I am a side dish.
And replaceable.

He took my belt.

18.1.11

This just sucks.
This just.
Sucks.

People are inconsiderate. 

I want my computer to be my computer.
I don't want it to be the house computer.
I'm paying this off with my money.
And I don't want anyone else to break it.
Everyone breaks everything of mine.
I don't break my things.
Because they're mine.
But no one cares about my stuff.
Or my house.
And he can just go to his mom's when he doesn't like anything.
He can take him clothes and wash them there.
And I have to wash mine in the shitty ones.
But I buy the food that he eats.
And I buy the bed he sleeps on.
Oh no, wait.
It's my dad's money.
So all of my giving is worthless.
Because it's not really coming from me.


Everyone leaves everything out.
No one listens to what I say or ask for.
So I have to clean constantly.
And no one is grateful.
They can party and get drunk in my house.
And it's always clean when they come again.
But they don't see the effort.
No one sees my effort.
No one builds me up.

He's always putting me down.
And that makes me work harder. 
But I want to be complimented and validated.
And all my efforts are invisible.
And I am invisible.

No one does anything out of their way for me.
I feel like I'm just a slave for them.
I just fix everything they break.
And I leave them for two weeks.
And nothing is broken except my things.

And he doesn't even consider this my house because my dad is paying rent.
So, therefore, I shouldn't be offended that it is disrespected.
I am not respected.
And he is not thankful for me.

And I'm trying to get so much stuff together for is birthday.
And I hear he hates his birthday.
He is going to whine the whole time.
And I am going to feel worthless.
And once again.
He will not be thankful
I have no control over my possessions. 

16.1.11

I am freaking out.
I have so much anxiety.
I.
Money is fucking hard.
I wish Kevin would pay rent straight up.
And it wouldn't be so difficult.
I wish he could.
Just, fuck.
And Bryan's birthday.
And I'm trying really hard to make it amazing.
And I need to have 40$ on the last day for dinner.
And I won these sunglasses on Ebay.
And I didn't mean to.
But I guess they're usually around $100.
And I got two for thirty.
But they aren't Sunclouds.
Oh, fuck.
And I'll take him out to breakfast on his birthday.
I need to have probably 60$ just for the day.
And I need to buy him a vinyl so that he still has a surprise.
Because he found out about the Pro-Tools.
Fuck.
And what else.
I should take him out somewhere other than dinner.
I should buy a sac of weed.
And we'll smoke it by the beach and our old house.
Um.
I have to take him somewhere.
I wish I could take him to Wolfmother in Australia.
I wish I could give him a car :c
Maybe I'll take him to Open Mic.
I have seriously found almost nothing.
I can't fuck this up.

15.1.11

Things are changing.

Life has just changed vibes very recently.

I like this.

I'm ready to create my life.

And I really really love the people that have slipped into my destiny.

14.1.11

Noooooooo.
What the fuuuuuck.
Noooooo.
He's my love :c
God damnit.
Nooo.
No, I love him.
No.
No.
My baaaabe:c
No.
What.

13.1.11

Still.


What the fuck is going on.

12.1.11

I haven't had any soul for a couple of days.

11.1.11

I KNOW THE NEXT PHASE OF MY LIFE.
SO.
I am going to San Francisco.
And I'll go to an art school.
And Bryan will go to a music school.
And we'll get into the underground music scene there.
And I'll sing.
And he can play and produce.
And we're going to be living a full life.
This is perfect.

It will only benefit what we yearn to do.

9.1.11

I am confused.
He got so drunk.
And I was upset because they don't respect me enough to respect the house.
And he won't control anyone in this house.
I drink.
And I smoke and play the guitar.
And I'm happy.
But I didn't pay much attention to him.
I just thought he would come to me when he wasn't mad at me for being mad anymore.
By the end of the night, he has his pants off.
And they're laughing and taking pictures.
And he's dead in my arms.
And it was scary.
I though he was too much.
And needed to sober up.
A lot.

They were just fucking laughing.
At his expense.
And he's in his underwear.

Marissa wants him so bad.
And was trying to be around the Bryan saving situation.
But she wants everyone.
And I was playing with her ass.
But she took it too far.
Like a drunken sixteen year old would.
Trying to gain attention.

And he tells me all night that I'm horrible.
And I apologize for being mean while we're in bed.
And he pushes me off.
And I just want to fucking fix things.
He hit me a lot last night.
And fucking hard.
And my fucking face.
And he tossed me off the bed.
I don't like when he's drunk.
Last night was the worst with him and hitting me.

He laid there muttering about me.
Saying everything so hurtful.

I don't think he is grateful for me.
He wakes up this morning talking about how bad I am to him.
And how I haven't said one good thing.
I just was distant last night.
Unintentionally.

I am so loyal.
And Adriana tells me he yells at T-Bone for being attracted to me.
I AM SO LOYAL.
I DON'T LOOK AT ANYONE.
I  DON'T THINK ABOUT ANYONE.
And he is always looking at women.
And telling me they want him.

I am good to him, and I know it.
But he doesn't sometimes.

I wanted to come home and just be with him.
I just wanted to lay with him.
And be intwined.

He isn't happy.
He's lost.
He doesn't know how to continue his life on or where to go right now.
And I think he is going to leave me.
Because he wants a new phase.

But I want to come :c
And I would help him through whatever he wants to do.
And be a woman.
And take care of him.
But I want him to be thankful.
He orders me.
And he isn't thankful for when I do take care of him.

He treated me so bad last night.
I wish he could see how he acts when he does this.
Maybe he would apologize then.

How can he hit me.
And while I'm here with my wisdom teeth out, he's hitting me.
And I just wanted  it to be stable.
And not so angry.

I just want him to see my efforts.

I just have to act towards him how I want him to be to me.
It works.

But I don't fucking hit him.

8.1.11

I come home.
Many things are broken.


I.
Don't want people in my house anymore.
They don't care.

7.1.11

I want to stop my woman mind.
I have an amazing relationship.
But the only trials are when I think like a woman.
Weed erases her.

I want the realistic mind of a man.

5.1.11

I can't wait to go home.
I want the gym so bad.
I want to stop eating.
But I'm not going to do that again.
I'll become obsessed and depressed.

This wisdom teeth situation will cure me partially.


I don't trust people recently.
They lie.

And he looks at every woman.
I just don't want to know.
I tell him I'm not his guy friend.
He just takes it too far.
And doesn't care that it makes me mad.
All it does is instil the fear that he is going to drunkenly cheat on me.
I bet.

4.1.11

Oh, Cocaine.


You have found me.
My baby.


I feel like I'm in love with her.
And that she might love me, too.
But she's always dancing.
And spinning. 
She fades.
And I miss her.

2.1.11

I wish that I could tell you how New Years was.
However, I have very little memory of it.
I felt like he was judging it too much.
Negatively.
So I drank and drank to have fun.
And I wanted him to drink so that he would.
Supposedly, I was there for cheering on the New Year and such.
I do not recall anything past 10:30, though.

These New Year parties at my mother house are becoming bigger.
And a social scene.
This tango/ Russian scene.

It has been a really great time.
But it's getting old here in Sacramento.
I miss Santa Cruz.
I MISSSSSS ITTTT.

The car broke down....
On our way out.
So we're stranded until tomorrow.

He's negative today.
And I have been trying to make it better.
But he says no to everything.
And he's pissing me off.
But he asked me to be mellow with him.
So I guess I should shut up and get over it.

Today is raining and has very little promises.
I am trying to make the best of it.
Not that it is too bad.
It is just testing my patience.

A fucking lot.










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I sang to him.
I partially regret it for no reason.
And partially feel a lot more comfortable around him now.
But now there are no more obstacles to achieve.
And what if this becomes the end of how interesting I am.