28.2.11

I don't care much about this blog anymore.
But only you, Adrie and Angel can read this.
And you guys are the ones who know my exact soul.
And you've read every single one of these entries.

I just need to say it all somewhere.
And I want to be able to tell you guys.

I feel okay.
I feel like this is a big part of life that everyone has to experience.
And I've done it.
And I'm going to tell you guys what it's like.
Because I was always so interested in what love was like.

I feel like I've learned a lot from him.
I've learned how to truly love myself.
I have my own strength that keeps me going through hard times.
I believe in myself, and I have the strive to make my life amazing.
I have this consciousness now.
It's like being in the present all the time.
Well, almost.
We all know I space out.
But I know exactly who I am.
And that's really comfortable.

I MUST interrupt to tell you guys that Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles are amazing.

Anyways,
I really like myself.
I trust myself.
And I believe in myself

And he helped me get there.
Helped, I emphasize.
But, it's sad, I realize, that he didn't let me do my part.
In every relationship, you learn something from each other.
And in a good relationship, you continue learning.
And Bryan didn't learn from me.
I mean, I've tried.
I've tried helping him become a better person.
And help him put more effort to be happy in life.
But he just doesn't work on himself at all.

Everyone has to flow with the world.
The world doesn't flow with you.
He's spoiled and thinks most commonly about himself.
He is a selfish person.
But he doesn't know he is.
And it's not his intention to be.
Like, he is a good person, truly.
But he has flaws that take away from that.
But he can always change what he needs to.
And that's what I've been waiting for.
But he won't change.
He won't admit to himself the bad things.
Or when he does, he just gets depressed and succumbs to it.

This is really disappointing.
It's exactly what he did with Emily.
He thinks that relationships just fade over time.
He doesn't see he has to put in effort.
And not effort as in doing the dishes.
Effort as in seeing things that he needs to work on within himself.
You know.
When you realize that you're not giving back to your friends.
When you see you're taking too much from them.
It's the same in a relationship.
Sometimes you get too used to the luxury and get bratty.

My brain is dead.
It all boils down to his effort.
In himself.

Yes, I have been bitchy and naggy.
But I don't feel satisfied.
I haven't felt loved enough recently.
Because he just lets things fade.
He doesn't think about solutions.

This sucks.
I put all of myself into this.
And he won't put any of himself.
And this is all shoved in my face.
And I feel frozen.

I love him.
I really really love him.
And I want to still be there.
And play with him.
And I'm going to miss him a lot.
He was like a best friend, too.
Fuck, you guys.
Dude.
He really was like my best friend, even if he hurt me some times.
I really love him, and I loved being with him.
We just hung out too much and got sick of each other.
I wish he could just stay at his moms.
And we could still be together.
But not live together.
And just try that.
I'm really going to miss him.
I'm so sad.
This hurts a lot.
I wish he just saw the worth in me.

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