18.6.11

I feel like my mind is slipping into disturbance once again.
I like this.
It brings my creativity back.
It brings....
Self awareness back.
I've been so.
.... So plain, it seems.
My struggles only consist of my relationship.

Exercising is my new control.
And I've slipped into a weight gain that has brought back an obsessive mind.
Due to the lack of exercise.
I can not vomit, though.
Because she used to, and I'm staying with her.
But I'm really glad.
If it weren't for visiting her,
Well, I may have been able to fix myself.
But going through this partial self hatred again, an only having a solution that is positive is probably the first time I've done it the right way.
Done anything the appropriate way.
And it's making my butt HUGE and amazing.
One reason why I enjoy gaining weight.
Because once I lose it, my ass doesn't.

I had a dream.
This boy from my second semester of photography class.
He was attractive, but nothing of my interest.
In this dream, we somehow started to physically connect.
Not in a sexual manner, but in a comforting way.
And I sat below him as he held me.
And Bryan was in my mind, and I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I made the decision to let it continue as long as I did nothing sexual.
And this boy way stuck in my mind, and all I wanted was this cuddling with him.

And it's swimming through my mind today.
Why, even if it's a dream, would I think to lie.
Keep secrets.
Why would I go to someone else in my dream for comfort.
And.... Obviously a situation like that would lead to more.
And.
I just don't feel comfortable with dreams like that because my morals are against it.

And I don't want my mind to ever think of such things.

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