20.9.11

I feel an explosion coming on.
Threw up for three weeks.
Caught a cold and stopped eating for three.
And now I'm waiting until I'm too unhappy with my body to start working out again.
I'm also waiting to move downtown so that I can get the 24 hour membership downtown.
And it will make sense.
However, I threw up tonight.

Something is wrong with my relationship, and I'm trying to figure it out.
I don't know how to work on it.
And I'm scared I'm going to get over it.
But every time I think of that, I just feel so sad.
And I know that it isn't what I want.
But I know something is missing.
I know he can tell.
He thinks I'm unsatisfied.

I just want a really deep and connected relationship.
And I want him to be more vulnerable with me.
And I feel like that isn't ever going to happen.
And I want him to make an effort when I'm upset.
He does in certain circumstances.
But if we're in public, he simply dismisses me.
And I find that the most offensive.

I feel like he's keeping his eyes open.
And one day someone will walk right in front of him.
And he will follow.

I just feel like if someone who I might consider came to me.
I wouldn't care.
I am already happy.
But Bryan never seems to fully tie himself off.

I know we're young.
But I don't want a thing if it isn't full loyalty.
I don't feel like loyalty has to hold you back.
Has to take away from your freedom.

There is so much school this semester.
And I'm moving in ten days.
And I have to drive an hour and a half twice to get this Savannah Cat.
And there are changes.
And I am becoming aware of my interactions.
And.
I just want him to be there for me to lean on.
Because I know I'm going to get really stressed out.

My face hasn't been soaked like this in a while.

I just want him to snap into it.
And I don't know how to tell him what I'm thinking.
Without him getting angry.

I asked him if he thought he was deep, and he got angry with me.
Because he thought that I was implying that he was shallow.
I just want him to think about his connections.

I am also learning how to fumble around a guitar.
And I am going to play WELL one day.
I will throw a little Jack White in it.
A little Jimmy Page.
A little big from Dan Auerbach
Oh my gadddd.
And tha blueeeees.
God damnit, I can't wait.
I'm going to practice every day.
I'm going to be damn good.
And I'm going to have the coolest groove.







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