31.12.12

Just realized Bryan isn't going to become as much as I thought he could be.

28.12.12

I've been told about six times this week that I'm going to be famous.
The last time made me cry.

24.12.12

Two dead bodies I just saw.

Forced my dad to tell me he has a girlfriend.

Bryan broke into my house.

My dad just made me interrupt Kelby's family dinner because my skirt is in his car, and this dress is too short.
I talked about my views on hooking up with friends.

In front of a friend I don't want to hook up with.

23.12.12

In Sacramento for three days.
Packed and packed.
More to pack.

I am stressed.

Bryan gave me back my hard drive still consuming 30g, but it's not 600.

Now, he wants to come and get his things while I am gone.
A joke, he is!

You get back what you're given.
And how, for even one second, could you think that you could come to my house while I'm gone?
Look me in the face, little child.
Otherwise, you get what ya get.

21.12.12

I woke up to this morning in a dream.
Where I was hugging Bryan.
Hugging and hugging him.
For about an hour.
Hugging and hugging.
And hugging and hugging.
Ian partially physically minimally hit on me tonight.

YUH KIDDING ME.
Nowp.
Nopes nopes nopes

I know now, ya boy.
You and Bai ain't on thuh same page.

I don't care if you're leaving.
If I wanted so, I could waste the same time on another.

Don't you disrespect this girl so.
Now that I've slapped myself to realize that you aren't to trust when you want some.
You will just get none.

I don't ever want to hurt one I respect.

And, really, I only realize that sex is nothing to me.
I just don't want to have sex.
I just think that one to do so with me has to have passion and soul for me.
And the same back.

Penetration is violent.
Is so rugged.
It only feels wrong to me.
Like the rest of them.
Despite Bryan.

And I can not return after the correct manner.

And I also realized.
That I had a sexual experience in day care.
If only I could remember his name.
I'm pretty sure it was Jonathan.
He's a black boy.
We had co Ed bathrooms.
He tried so hard to get me naked.
And I knew I was over weight.
Even thought I was four.
And so I wouldn't.
I was ashamed.
So he got naked for me.
Seeing all of that.
And feeling the self hatred of my body.
Was painful and uncomfortable.

The teacher walked in.

20.12.12

Telling Bailey I said Ian give the best head I my life.
No, not at all.

Haha, Bryce has.

Maybe I said it in my Molly tea party post.

But I feel sad, and I wish we were friends.

19.12.12

I keep making messes that I don't mean to.
And as this destruction attempts to continue.
I can only placate myself.
But the odium that I feel.
I wish it wasn't real.

18.12.12

Wow, seeing Liza.
We talked and stuffs, and I knew I was just offense in my head.
Seeing her is perfect.
I'm reminded that life's about to be much bigger than this small town.
Offended folks that drown me.
It's too shitty when everyone knows everyone.
I shouldn't really, but I feel sad for Bryan.
I love him and wish we could be friends.
It makes me really sad.
And even though he left me dry,
I still really appreciated other things.
It was still a very positive relationship for me.
He's so offended.
He hates Ian so much.
But I haven't done wrong.
And I'm not in trouble.
But I'm going to talk to Bai.
Bryan is so emotional, he can't control himself.
I was, too.
I went into his Facebook.
I want to know what he told Bailey.
But he didn't say it on there.

He doesn't have enough soul nor depth.
He's a baby brain in an ape body.

He's a fool to me.
He's completely embarrassed himself.
And he's made me sad.
I hate having this hate in me.
Bryan is so fake.
Lying to my face this whole time.
His fake sweet care of friendship he's expressed.
Using my fucking camera.
Why did I spend two nights there.
Why did he even want to hang out today.
And tomorrow, fool!!!!!
How can I look at his face.
That emotional ape.
He doesn't know how to control himself. His temperamental explosion has caused for me to only loathe.

Good job, fucker!
Emily and I both hate you!
Success! Four and a half years of pathetic success!
Yes?

Wish I never gave you the gift of jamming with me.
You know the woman in my songs?
It's you.
It's you, woman.
It's ya chappin' my balls.
It's me hating you.
Drying me out.
Drying my soul and my body both at once.

Ya listen to good music, but you're a boring normal.
Read my blog, pussy fucker.
Too afraid to give me lust nor love.
I get what I want, and I've stomped on you.
The decisions I've made have been based on reality.
The stories that you know aren't the only ones that are being told.
Your emotions have shown you as a fool.
I'm once again disappointed that I've wasted time on you.
Jealous ape that takes me down.
I'm leaving this small dramatic town.

17.12.12

Six years of innocence.
How does it feel when you're not the one trying to get rid of it.
I'm swimming in it.
This evil that has blanketed over me so young.
I'm still grinding in the evil that has won.
But I'm trying to make it my power.
Stand atop the evil tower.
Six years old.
Brain gone cold.
How many more Mississippi until I can let it go.
You said that it would make us best friends.
Then why am I on my knees on the side of my house.
While you're gettin' tha gettin'.
And I'm slurpin' and slipin'
Six years old, just for a best friend, I am wishin'.
But how could I hate you for it.
A fool, yourself.
I'm sure they used the same line on you.
When they took the three year old you to hell.
And six years old, you pour this hell down onto me.
But you're not the only one, there is also she.
She who would rid me of my clothes.
Go down and explore.
Have me do the same.
Throw her brother into the game.
Eight years old.
And sexually she told.
She wondered what lips would feel like.
I tried, but I ran from fright.
She tried to have her brother make love to me at night.
And even at eleven.
Sleepover with the normal popular queens.
One falls asleep.
The other's on top of me.
Welcome to my first kiss.
Something I could have missed.
A girl wasn't my intended spit.
But she's grinding, and I'm following it.
And it continues on for years.
My only action are these girls throwing me my fears.
And the actions become greater and greater.
Things I would save to do with men for later.
And the situation clones itself.
Another girl another house.
But same old same, on top of me and in my mouth.
And all of these things.
The self destruction they would bring.
Sitting on top of my gazebo.
Watching my fist swing.
Right until I can see the pores on my skin.
Straight into my eye, releasing the evil within.
A body that's been tossed and used too true.
It only felt right when it came from me, too.
Waking up swollen, black and blue.
Look in the mirror, a black eye from you.
And fifteen years old.
Four months of caging the soul.
Drowning in 540 milligrams.
I'd look out the window to see the shadow men.
Waiting for me, taunting.
The rape they were flaunting.
My paranoia had me restless.
I'd find myself yelling for them to come and get this.
Get this over with, my shadow friends.
I know I'm destined for this end.
Born and raised in the evil sexual haze.
I know you're here to take me, 
I'm no longer afraid.
But as these 540 milligram hallucinations disappeared.
As seventeen, the shadow men became real.
Body limp and eyes closed.
He comes up to begin the show.
The pain made me mumble.
Mumble no, this hurts me so.
But these are words the shadow doesn't know.
And he does as he pleases.
Laying limp with closed eyes, I'm dreaming other dreams.
But the shadow, he leaves.
And I consider that I can finally lay there serene.
But there's a shadow family.
And the shadow brother appears.
He shadowly does as shadows please.
Limp dripping in degraded grease.
The pain is not something that I could quickly ease.
They don't speak the same language as me.
But at least after that, no more shadows will chase me.
It's a bit interesting.
That I saw them before they came.
FIfteen years old hallucinating out my window.
Only to meet them at seventeen dead and cold.
And so because of this ancient purity inside of me.
A six year old still screams Mississippis.
I'd like to find her show her some sweet.
And give her some good old glory.
No one will be touching her for the while.
And together we can recreate a smile.
I can help a lot of people and solve their problems.


But not many will help me or can solve mine.

Waking up alone is such murder for me.
I won't move until I have reason to.
There are no reasons.
Eliza comes back today, but I won't hear a word from her.

I kin of want space from her.
Fuck that small minded flower.

I really want to know what happened to Pian and Bai.


Harrison is my only true mongrel.
He'll always sleep in bed with me.
And hanging out with Hannah today.
I started talking about sex somehow.
And I tried to explain to her why I am not so in the mood such.
And as I speak, I think that I began to understand more.
I mentioned the memories.
I didn't mention the shadows.
Because that situation was more my fault.
Compared to the others.
Though I didn't intend on going limp.
And I think that.
I didn't have much time at purity.
You know, until six really.
And then it was gone.
And then when I started sexual explorations on my own terms.
I just used them soul less.
I only saw sex as power.
And I just dominated and objectified.
I wanted sex to be soul less for me.
Because I felt like it could so easily destroy me.
So I destroyed it.
And being with Bryan.
I learned about sex and love.
And I like that sex.
But that takes vulnerability.
And for two and a half years, I was vulnerable all by myself.
Well I'm cold blooded when it comes to that now.
And I think that this feeling of protecting myself.
Is because I would like some purity now.
And I feel fine with the hook ups.
But I really would like to have anything sexual in my life.
To only be positive and un regretful. 
And yeah, I would like some purity.
And I think that six years isn't enough.
So I'm going to gain some now.

I fucking love my friends.

Elliot is gone for ten stewpid days.
I've been hanging out with Bryce and Hannah.
Ian is talking to Bailey tonight..
I'm hanging out with Bry tomorrow.
Kai is just always awesome.
And he brought over his acoustic fretless bass.
And Shmelliot jammed on Harrison.
And I sang tha cocaine blues, baby boo.



But Eliza, where are you?
Out of sight, out of mind,
Small brained girl left me behind.

16.12.12

What is happening with Pian.
We've spent two nights together.
And I won't hook up with him.
But it's the hardest.
We have such sexual chemistry.
We're crazy fuckers.

We went to Kai's last night, 
And it was intimate but fun.
And me and Ian are such brothas.
I make friends with this hot chick.
And got her numba.
And Pian is being attacked by these two girls.
Heheheh, they've very nice and funny.
But man, they were so on him.
He said that they were touching his face!
Hehehheh, 
And I could tell that they were comparing themselves to me.
Because Pian and I came together.
But don't worry girls, take it all.
Pian and I do leave together, though.
And it turns out that he loves Freaks and Geeks!
WHAT.
It was quite nice....
We layed in tha Claud Bed.
And we smoked a bowl out of Oswald while we waited for Netflix to load.
And he had his arm down.
So I laid back on it.
And it was kind of boyfriendy.......
It has been confusing me.
Ever since that night on molly.
Our interactions have been.
So....sweet...?

We get along very well.
And I really like it because we're just brothas.
And so nothing is anxiety provoking.
But it was very boyfriendy.
And what.
I mean, it all feels nice.
But it's boyfriendy!!!!!
What.
And we watch the show, 
And I lay on him.
And we're smoking a bowl.
It was quite nice.
And it's jut pretty cool because I really love that show, I really do.
And I am trollymon and wanted to watch it.
And we go to sleep.
And he cuddles a lot of cuddles.
All through the night.
And it was quite nice.
And I don't let him do much.
But he touches me nicely.
And then roughly.
And then it's hard not to go insane, damnit.
I do go insane. 
Blue balls are eating me alive these past days.
This is the third morning denying a boy.
I just.
I deny Pian because the whole Bailey thing is so unstable.
And I don't want to do anything too wrong.
But I also.
I don't know.
I also feel like.
I don't know what it is, guys.
But I want to protect myself.
And I want myself for myself.
Or something.
I'm saying that because it's what may be true.
But I don't know!
I don't want to be exploited.

Last night, 
I don't know why, but
I felt like Ian could hear my mind!
It's probably not true.
It mustn't be.
But he reacted as I thought my thoughts.

Ian kisses me softly a lot.
Everywhere.
His kisses seem revealing.
You can never swoon that boy too much,
But I feel like he may like me.
Just because of the way he cuddles and kisses.
And I let him kiss my lips twice.
And it excited him a lot.
The way he touches me, 
I feel very flattered.
I'm not too attracted to him until he's in my bed with his shirt off.
And then how does he become so cute?
God damnit, what is going on.
He goes crazy in this Claud Bed.
I fight him off and fight him off.
But then I find myself screaming for a moment.
And my brain goes numb. 
The serotonin covers it like a blanket.
And I can't really think.
And I can't really control myself.
But my body starts swimming in the sheets.
And grinding.
And it's all such euphoria.
We physically communicate so well.
He grabs my hair.
He grabs my neck.
He holds my face.
And pets it.
And looks down at me.
And pets me.
And what is that.
It's quite nice.
But is it anything.
What is it.
He pets my hair when it's on his chest.
He rubs my neck and shoulders.
He gave me a massage.
Cuddling is so nice.
It's quite nice.
He cuddles like a babymon.
And I really didn't expect that out of him.
These interactions are quite boyfriendy.
But they're quite nice.
Misha comes, and I grab her to cuddle along.
And he's super stoked.
That teddymon.

What is all of this.
And Misha scratched my chest.
  

15.12.12

Also, I'm the last person that Bryce has done anything with.
Two nights ago, 
We ended up going over to the girl neighbours.
And I hadn't been in there since the boys.
It was quite trippy.
I saw the boy who was there when I took the Heroin Hobo photos.
And I was quite aggressive on him.
As Friends.
But I think he may have been very confused by me.
Because he seemed very nervous.
Attempting to continue conversation.
But just nervous.
And I wake up in the middle of the night to drunky Bryce who had come in and slept on my couch.
I let him sleep on the Claud Bed with me and Hellz.
It was kind of cute, he cuddled me.
Laid his head on my chest and back.
Had an arm around me.
After Helen leaves for work, we talk a little.
And he says to me...

"Hey Masha?"
"Mhmmm"
"Can I.....give you head?"


"Man, I'm at the end of my period, I wish."

And a few minutes later after some more conversation...

"Wait....how at the end of your period?"

Hahhaha, he wanted to so bad!
This is mind blowing to me.
It's quite glorious.
I will certainly be getting head from Bryce.
Hehz.

And Hannah is back!
His sister who I love.
She's good for brain racking conversation.
She's a deep thinker, and likes to challenge herself.

But so last night, Pian comes over.
We have dinner.
Do a photo shoot with this projector that he brought over from Ikea.
And we get drunker and drunker and almost forget to go to these parties.
I was certainly slurring by the end.
Gawsh.
Mostly because people aren't very good at mingling and getting to know each other.
So I drank a lot of the tequila that was in my purse.
The first party was Zephyrs.
And Tio was there.
And Tio is groovy and delicious, and I want to be friends.
Now.

But I can't be so agressive with these boys.
They're going to think I'm swooned or something.
They don't understand how much of a man I am until they spend more time with me.
We go to Kyle's party after.
And Kyle was fucking so god damn groovylicious.
He gave me a tour of his awesome house.
And then I found Nat and Hans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ooooooo I am so in love with Natalie!!!!!
MmmmmMMMMmmmmMMMMMM that big booty.

I get a ride home from Nat and Hans because I couldn't find Pian, 
and if he was getting his mac on, I was going to let him continue to do so.
But he wasn't.
He came home to tha Claud Haus.
We went to bed, and I didn't want to hook up, so I said so.
But we cuddled.
And it's really weird to me how cuddly he's become.
I mean, it's very nice and feels great.
But when we hook up, he's pulling hair, grabbing neck, and shoving my body around.
But like the night on molly,
He was so cuddly.
And he kissed my neck so soft so many times.
And he rubbed and rubbed me.
But when he took it further, I would stop him.
I don't want to hook up because his relationship is unstable.
If it were still open, I'd be fine.
But I also just didn't feel like hooking up, I don't know why.
Physically, I did.
I gave the both of us blue bawlz.
And it fucking hurt, we'd just squeeze each other through the pain of it.
And the only time I find him attractive is when he's on top if me with his shirt off.
Why?

Anyway, what a day I've had.
A morning with Bryce, and a night with Pian.

13.12.12

God, Sarah has the nerve.
That normal boring.
Calls me pretentious and fake.
Why!?
Because I'm moving to Ny?
Because I do awesome shit, and I'm not afraid to say it.
I'm opinionated, aggressive, and not afraid to show that I love myself.
But I love my friends, and I'm very honest.
I wonder if she simply read this bling an saw that she's a boring normal and got offended.

Is it because I dress differently now?
You think that just because I'm friends with Liza that I'm chasing a new image?
No, people grow and change with time.
Just because you wear the same boring old surf brand clothes for years, doesn't meant it's wrong for me to get groovier and groovier.

Boring girl, so plain.
Our friendship faded once I found friends that also bring voodoo.
Rather than the time I spent with her.
That reminded me of girlfriends in high school.
Listening to her blast shitty fucking girl music.
Videoing themselves dancing and then posting it.
If you're going to video yourself, make it an art piece at least, boring fucker.
Not some oooooo gurl sleepover thang.

I've only gained independence and power, and people don't understand change.
Especially these small brain kids grown up in this small town with only small things to do.
Striving to be boring engineers or boring lawyers sitting at boring desks in boring cubicles.
I'm not going to Ny for fame.
I'm going because I'm going to actually do what I want and make it profitable.
I'm making my dream reality.
Sit in your cubicle and hear about me on the radio.
Sneer to your cubicle friend and say ya knew me once.
Say I ain't all that I seem to be.
But what do you know?
Assumptions make you a fool.

And I'll only continue to stomp on you, boring normal.
And now he's calling people hot in front of me.
Fuck him.
Just erased everything.
Get me the fuck out of this town.
I've used it up.
I guess no one should be able to read this.
Everyone's getting offended because I'm talking about them.
But no one other than a select few can read it, anyway.
She didn't bug until her name was said.

I'm at Cabrillo for the pottery sale, and I don't want to be here.

My friends are all annoying me.
Women fucking suck.
So kiss my ass, I'm not sorry.

12.12.12

Being friends with girls is not prime.
They're heads are too filled.
With selfish things.
With assumptions.
They make a mess.
And they slop it all over you.

Having a best friend has shown me multiple times not to have a best girl friend.

Little darling sheep brains.
They need me for strength.
And then they compare themselves to me.
Grow uncomfortable as their minds create assumptions.
Then they try to overcome me.
And then I forget about them.

I need a best guy friend.
Something much more stable.
I kind of wish that I had my own apartment in Brooklyn.
I just don't want people to affect me.
I want my privacy.
And I don't want to deal with women.
Yesterday, I woke up with anxiety.
And I just cried.
And it's hard to have any emotion upon awakening.
So this always tells me that it's a bad depression.

But I dragged myself.
Got on the bus.
And spent the day with Bryan.
Elliot texts me that he found more dead squid.
BUT HUNDREDS OF THEM.
He picks us up, and we hang out at his house.
Jerry and Shastin, his mother and father are there.
And I love them.
Such good people.
And Kai was there.
As well as Robo.
I love these people so much, and it helped placate me to be with them.
Elliot and I want to have a pagan ritual.
And after Sandi told me that my photos are very film noir and that I should get into video, I want to make a short film of it.
Maybe write a song to put to it.
Bry and I bike to 38th ish by Jack O'Neil's to see the squid.
HUNDREDS.
I went balls crazy.
High on photo.
Had my film camera and another roll.
God damn, the sunset was a pastel painting.
I know the paint that was used.
I used it when I was a little girl in a painting class.

And Bry said that it reminded him of our photo adventures, and I was thinking the same.
Our friendship is really amazing, and I'm super thankful.
His hugs have been saving me.
We had a delicious dinner with the Kays.
Jerry announces that if he wrote an autobiography, it would be called "Eat, Drink, and be Jerry".
HABBAHAHAHHAH.
God damnit, Jerry.
I love that family.
Elliot is my shaman.
But really.....

We go to T-Bone's after.
Kev picks us up with this girl he's down for.
And she's cool.
We get to T-Bone's.
And when Juliana got there, I just shut down.
She's got a lot to figure out,
And her anxiety is killing her relationship.
And I feel bad for T-Bone because he can't do anything without clingy her, and he gets in trouble.
But I love her.
She's one of my best friends.

She's just very insecure.
She clings too hard to T-Bone.
And she's making him too important.
She's not independent and secure enough.
She's squeezing too hard.
And if he moves away, she'll fall on the floor.
She should create her own life so that he isn't her whole life.
But the friends she spent time with were Sarah and Kelly.
Boring normals.
Funny humorous.
But especially boring normals.
My friends love her.
But she's so anxious and uncomfortable.
We talk about things related to our lives,
And though she may not have relation to what we're talking about,
If she spent more time,
She would be more submerged.
And would therefore have more of a relation to our conversations.
You can see how her head works.
You can see her think.
And her weakness is very prevalent.
I thought that by spending time with my strong women,
She would gain the independence and inspiration I have.
But she partially cowers instead.
She's a big person.
And amazing person.
But her mind is eating her.
Every time I try to talk to her about it,
It seems as if she's got it.
But she's not working on herself.
And she's straining T-Bone.
And he loves her.
But if she's being so eggy, she makes it painful.

But so I shut down.
I became exhausted.
I walked out and smoked one two three cigarettes.
I sat in the entry to the park.
And cried.
And then it became a panic attack.
Of hyperventilating.
Dizziness brain dead vision black.
I took a drag, and calmed myself.
As I became more spun.
A fat raccoon came, and I left.
As I walk back, I swerve, and I sway.
I see Bryan's laser pointer,
And I wanted to talk to him and have his comfort.
A hug would have solved it.
But I heard Juliana's voice and retreated.
She found me on her bicycle.

If I go on, let me on.
I went to be alone.
I left you guys.
Don't bring yourself to me.
Torturous.
I acted weird.
I said I was just smoking a cigarette.
But I had to clean the tears off secretly.

Came back to Bry's and snacked and had Martinelli's.
Such gold.
We entwined legs as we watched Donnie Darko.
Woke up because we both passed out.
It's so crazy.
All this insomnia,
And a little entwine on tha couch,
I pass out.
Dead.
He knocks me out.
He's a teddy bear lullaby.
We wake up groggy at four am and stumble to his bed.
And cuddle a lullaby all night.
I really really slept.
I fell asleep in one second.
Compared to the hours I spend lying in bed waiting to find unconsciousness.
And this is all great because we're just best friends now.
And is not confusing anything.
And it's comforting.
And it's really nice because I feel unimportant.
But I am still important to him.
And that's nice.

And I have Misha here.
And it's family time.

11.12.12

I continue to be unimportant.

I think that the woman in my head won't shut up, though.
What is this feeling inside of me.
Deep nothingness.
Deep non existence.
Deep......

This girl is staring at me.
There are seats for you to sit on.
But you choose to stand and face me.
And stare.


The evil witch party I threw was fun.
Great people came.
And they dressed up.
I stayed up late with Chelsea.
And we played guitar together.
My voice was as dead as my brain was.
Tio came over, and I think he's really cool.
And I want to be friends with him.

But I have no purpose.
Other than to sell my things and scan my photos.
And pack.

I am overweight.
I can't stop eating like a glutton.
If I don't eat, I know I'll feel better.
Chelsea and I laid in bed.
And she had a bulimia problem very similar to mine.
She had to get three root canals.
I made myself throw up last night.
Because I was just shoving and shoving popcorn down my throat.

I don't know what I feel.
It isn't self hatred.
I guess it's this empty loneliness.
I'm not spending Christmas with my mother.
And I realized this morning that I'm spending Christmas alone.
Maybe I will spend it with Eliza's family.
But I'm not her love anymore.
I am no one's love.
I think that I still look like a degraded girl.
I think that people can tell that I've been used and dragged around on the muddy ground like a limp doll meant for nothing other than the slobber of a selfish child's mouth.
They can see I'm a fool.
They can see I'm a little molested girl.
I think that.
I'm fading for Eliza.

I will ,therefore, let her fade.
I've been so focused on myself.

My mother keeps sending such berating things.
They could eat me alive if I let them.
But I'm just focusing on myself.

I woke up with Misha in my bed, and that meant a lot to me.

I feel forever lonely.
And I feel like there's no one that thinks of me.
Or misses me.
I'm not too important to anyone.
I feel very alone.
I feel very alone in my life and in myself.
I'm not very important to anyone.

I really like hanging out with Elliot.
He makes me feel great.
And Kai.
They're a good pair.

But I'm alone.
Even Misha doesn't want much of me.
My mother doesn't.
I guess my dad does.
Sasha kind of does, but he's the out of sight out of mind kind.

I've just woken.
And here I am, crying.
Because no one's thinking of me.
No one wants to waste their time on me.

I'm alone and unthought of.
I could disappear.
I could leave for Ny, and no one will visit.
I ask them all to so much.
But they won't.
I'm not too worth the effort or money for them.
The boys will forget me quickly.
And I'm coming to Eliza.
Who's already forgetting me.
She doesn't need to lean on me.
So there's no ache for me.

I'm just alone and unthought of.
I feel like people don't care for me as much without the pair.
I feel like people maybe used me for entertainment.
And now that she's gone, I'm uninteresting.

Well, that isn't true.
I am my own person, and though I vibe off of her, I am still the same.

I'm going to take the bus to Bryan's house.
And I'll feel better.

10.12.12

Insomnia, I didn't welcome this.
Harrison sleeps with me when no one else does.

I started a new song today.
Challenging myself!
It's going to take a while to get this one down.

I let Misha out today.
And she hasn't come back.
Every car I hear is hitting her.
Or stealing her.
Every cat I hear is raping her.
I want her to come back now.
She should come back for bed.

Robo told me not to let anyone Peep my Nauk unless they've earned it.
That felt nice.
I told him I'm practically asexual right nowz.

I miss Minz.
I don't think she misses me as much.

I'm so alone.
I haven't lived on my own since those three months at eighteen.
I'm glad it won't be for long.
I started withering before.
I'm most glad this house doesn't really have spiders.

But no one really wants me without the pair.
I'm not as interesting by myself, I suppose.
I get tired and over it.
And have less to talk about.
I can drive myself anywhere.

But I'm cool, man.
Hang out with me, guys.

9.12.12

Last night, I ended up hanging out with Chris Wills.
I like hanging out with him.
He works at the Red Room.
The first time we met, he was on molly.
And told me the gnarliest things.
So I feel like I don't have to guard myself.
I talked about my mother being infuckingsane.
And I mentioned repressed memories.
And he asked about that.
And I vaguely clued him in.
He mentioned that he was attracted to me.
But it was after I told him I was a dude and only wanted friends with dudes.
So he told me that to be honest, I guess?
He said he was attracted, but will be my dude friend.
I don't see the need for people to tell me they're attracted to me.
I usually know.
It's nice that people are, and that I'm attractive.
But I wish that.
I could push a button on their heads and turn it off if I want it off.

I found this video I took last night of this bum.
He was sooooo glorious.
I got so close to his snoring face.


I walked home swerving and swerving.

Hanging out with Kai is great, I love that kid.
Kai is so peaceful and level minded.
And he really respects me.
And we brothas.
And I'll be his wingman.
And he's got my back, too.

We saw Joomaji.
Uhhhhhhh
Yeah, uhhhhh
Fuck yeah, so fucking groovy
Freestylin' brotha, I like what you got to say.
It was fucking awesome.
I fucking love them.

I woke up in a puddle of blood.
My body could have let me know.
For fuck's  sake.
They don't make it easy to be a woman.
Every fucking month?

Every fucking month, I get depressed for a week.
And I don't know why.
And I get hungry for a week.
ANd I don't know why.

And then I wake up in a puddle of blood.
Tonight was great.
Saw tha boys.
Bry Bry.
Jammed with Bry.
I really wanted to hang out with him tonight.
And I knew that he really wanted to.
But it was almost ten pm.
Either I was going to keep drinking,
Or I would slumber quickly.

Seeing Bry, I felt so comfortable around him.
I have this stupid urge to cuddle.
Because cuddling with him could cure anything.
But that was before.
Cuddling with him would cure my anxiety, but make even more to be anxious about.
He said he'd sleep in his mom's bed, and I could sleep in his.
But I don't even like that.
I would Like to sleep in the same bed,  but have nothing.
Even not touching him, the same bed would put me to sleep in an instant.
He is the only one who has cured my insomnia.

I was always afraid of breaking up because I know I'd never sleep.
And here I am, sleepless.
For no reason other than the lack of him.
So warm.

The beginning of our split.
Where we'd still peck.
Still cuddle at night.

It was prime.
I never had enough of a physical connection.
So I thrived hard off the cuddlez.
Which he was so good at.

God damnit, that beast,
That sex beast.
If he only was a lust god as much as I wanted him to be, 
It would have been great.

Every time I see him.
I just.
I


I just don't think anyone is like he is.
Bryan is so awesome.
No ones is as sexy as he is.
And it's a pain to say that.
But it's making me so asexual.

I had to be forward tonight.
Some fucking fool told me I was hot.
And asked if he could kiss me.

I told him he was a weak fool!!!!
Told him he embarrassed himself in front of me.
Told him to gain some self respect.
Told him he was easy.

He was quite offended.

He said he's never been so shut down before.

I told him to take it as a lesson.

He said he won't.

Ugh, fucking grimey loser.
That pissed me off so fucking hard.


He said is it because you have a boyfriend.
I said no,
And that's when I mentioned his self respect.


But he said that.
And I wished Bryan was there.
I didn't want the experience with that guy.

Ugh, I miss Bryan a lot. 
We don't hang out enough.
But I'm in this social rage mode.
And I want to make friends.
And that tends to be guys.
And that would offend him even though I'm only for platonicism.

Ugh seeing Bry hurts.
Today, I feel like I touched him too much.
But it felt too good!
He's the ultimate comfort.
I want to snuggle with him so fucking bad.
I want to be in bed with the kittymons.
UGHHHHH

I miss him!
I miss the comfort.
I miss the.
Ummm



The comfort of him.
Bryan is so awesome.
I'm so fucking lucky to have him as a friend still.
But 



He's my first boy.
My first body.
And I'm not with anyone.
Not going to be for the longest ever.
And that I know, he's not with anyone.

And If I'm going to sleep over.
I'm sleeping in his bed.
ANd he can, too.
And no rules will be broken.
But having him there is a lullaby.  


After we broke up.
We slept in the same bed a while.
And as he made the kisses and cuddles fade.
It huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurt.
But the presence of his body was still so soothing.

I asked to scratch his head.
He asked why.
I said I felt the urge.

I just.
I just still feel like scratching his back.
And his head.
And rubbing his belly.
When I see him.

Why.
Because I'm addicted to his body.
I don't know why.
I've always loved to please him.
Whether it's a scratch or not.

Ugh, Bryan.
He's still the sexiest man I've seen.
But I'm glad.
Because I don't want to see anyone so for a very long time.
Hook ups are only for physical satisfaction to ease the physical.

But they get nothing of me.
And he's at least there in the back of my head. 
Even if I'm not aware.

I wish he touched me like.
Like.


Like the people who mean nothing have.
Ugh.
They're all so down.

They're as if there are multiple, no.
Just Ian.
And Stewpid Groovy.
And the more I look at him, 
The more un attracted I am.
But that isn't based on attraction. 
Just needs.

No one is attractive to me.
Who's sexier than Bryan.


Who.



Hahahaha, NO ONE
No one is!
And it's frustrating.
I wish I could talk to him about the things that have happened.

If I told him about the molestations, 
He would be uncomfortable.
He would think I was a whore since six.

He wouldn't understand the shadows.
He would only think I was a shadow, too.

I wish I could fall back on him.
But I see that's it's only my weakness.
It's only because I'm here alone.


But Bryan was really great.
He changed my life for the better.
I have nothing to focus on.
I'm bored, and I wish he was at least passed out here.

No one's going to feel like him.
As I rub them.

Ugh, NO ON IS.
And I.
Therefore.
Don't want to touch anyone.
And no one will touch me.
It just can't and hasn't compared.

Lust is mostly vile.
Love is the smoothest touch.
I wish he was passionate.


But I am mostly just grateful for our friendship. 
It helped me get through all of my problems.
Being with Bryan taught me one million things.

I can't explain now.
But I love him.

And I always will.
I'm so lucky he was my first boyfriend.
He changed my life.
And I love him for the rest of my life because of that.

I love you forever, Bryan.





8.12.12

Waking up is where I'm behind.








Chelsea came over yesterday, and we jammed.
Ian came over, and he played Harrison.
As we screamed 
I am the Walrus
Happiness is a Warm Gun.
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart Club Band
Rocky Raccoon

It was so fucking fun!!!
Evan came over!
Kai came over!
Kelby and his friend came over for a few hours.
I don't understand how kelby could be so down to drive to Sc only to spend a few hours.
And go bac to BallSacramento.

We all snorted some Mexican diet pill.
That wasn't allowed in the Us.
Because it's an upper.

I don't think it was worth it.
Smelled that same medicine smell 
As ritalin and concerta.
Dust.

I feel fine, and I didn't feel much.
But the taste reminded me of the days.

 Fifteen years old.
Kicked out of boarding school.
My parents are ashamed of me, 
And no one is allowed to know I'm back.
They tell people I'm still there.
So I'm in Sacramento where I know no one.
Allowed to contact no one.
Or make new friends.
So I sit in my room all summer.
And I read 44 books.

And at night, my mind wouldn't rest.
And I craved adventure.
I had nothing to do.
Reading books.

I found an old stash of the Ritalin and Concerta.
I would pop a few pills.
And be up all night.
Having secret conversations.
With old friends.
Who simply just continued worrying about me.
Crazy young drug kid.
It got bigger faster.
I would take more pills, 
And I would take them every night.
I would pop ten or so.
540mg.
And snort up one.
And the blood from my nose would get on my dollar bills.
And I was alone.
I would walk around Gold River.
Listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Wishing someone else had snuck out to roam.
So I could find someone to smoke weed with.
And forget these little pills.
A few times, 
I took ten.
And I hallucinated so severely.
I walked around my backyard at my mothers.
Thinking that my friends were there.
As they were supposed to come from Davis that night.
But I got fucked up on these pills and forgot to call them.
So I hallucinated they were there.
Hiding from me in the trees.
I'm crawling through the trees for them, 
But they kept fading into the trees, themselves.
And this alien rasta creature was playing some kind of flute like instrument.
On my roof.
WIth colours bouncing everywhere.
The trees would grab at me with their branches.
And it scared but thrilled me at the same time.
I look through my fence in the back,
And I see a man sitting under a yellow light.
Next to his front door.
WIth a cowboy hat on.
And a gun.
And all of a sudden.
He's right there at the fence.
I freak out and leave that area.
The alien creature comes down to the ground, 
And I follow him.
Everything he touches either turns glow in the dark or burnt black.
I follow him through the side gate.
And to my front door.
I want to climb onto my roof, and he's going to show me.
He highlights the broomstick.
But I can't use that to climb up.
I decide to go to bed.
But I look out my window one last time.
And everything is burnt.
Just a golden brown of burnt but not singed.
I walk outside,
And everything is burnt!
And then these memories in my head come.
Of me burning everything.
I thought I saw a paw print on the fence.
And cat guts on my porch.
I thought I saw a girl trapped underneath my house.
I apologized to her for doing that.
The whole neighbourhood was burnt.
Paul's car.
My mother comes out and is confused to see me.
I ask her if everything looks burnt to her.
She asks me if I'm on drugs.
I tell her, no, I just haven't slept in two days.


At my father's,
I would stare out my window down into the back yard.
And I would see shadows.
Shadows of men coming to rape me.
They'd hide in the bushes and such.
But I would see them.
And I knew why they were there.
I would get so paranoid.
I'd go into my back yard.
And I would say just do it already.
I know why you're here.

No one was there.

But I would always see them on those stupid pills.
Waiting to rape me.

I used to be so paranoid of rape.
I was afraid to go downstairs into my kitchen at night.
There were so many dark corners to hide in.
Even when I was sober.
I just was scared they were there.
After I did get raped by the shadows.
My paranoia faded.
I always knew I was going to be raped.
And I think it's because I was molested.
And I just felt like I had a degraded sexual destiny.
Which is probably why I used to give myself black eyes.

I found a photo of the last time.
When I woke up, and it was the worst one yet.


I'm going to hang out with Shmelliot and Kai today.
That would be great.