21.10.12

Gosh, I have all the things to say.

I took thing blog off of private because I am no longer in a relationship.
And I no longer have to hide these things in order to maintain his pride.

People can know about these things if they stumble upon them.
Though many of them are horrible,
They happened, and that's reality.
I made the choice to follow through with those actions.
And though, I'd never repeat most of them,
They're there inside of me, and they're burned into my memory.




But hey!
Hey guys!
All is amazing at the moment.
I've got what I wanted.
I've got my woman, and a man.
My girlfriend love, Eliza Minnelli has moved in as he's moved out.
And I enjoy it much more.
The house stays clean.
We socialize every night.
I'v got great new people in my life, but I still love my other friends.

And one friend.
One friend has become  lust god.
And it's delicious.

I feel as if this relationship I was in.
Was one, amazing and very helpful.
Two, a sexless pain that I much deserved because of my raging childhood.

Mmmm MMMmmmm MMMMmmm,
And now that I have suffered this celibacy without my consent.
I can enjoy the freedom of sex gods.
But in a much more perfect way than before.
Because before, those were definitely not sex gods.

God, I have missed biting, and pulling, and scratching, and screaming.
I have missed having my mind blown.
I have missed it in the morning.
I have missed random texts that result in sleepovers.


And now that I'm not in a relationship,
I am constantly playing guitar.
My voice has gotten so much better, and it may have become established.
I found it!
I'm writing songs that I'm proud of.
Writing poems so often.
I'm drawing and doodling big doodles.
I'm getting back to my photo love.

I've got my power.
I've collected this handful of the most beautiful women in town.
And we smoked all the weed together.
We drink all the drinks together.
And we stomp all the stomps together.
I am so powerful,
And I found it in the vibes I get with these women.

I'm so young, and I have so much energy.
I'm going to do big things, I've felt it my whole life.
And that's partially why I allowed myself such a vile lifestyle three years ago.
I was worried that I belonged in the dumps,
But quickly, I realized that the dumps was only an experiment.


I'm still fascinated with prostitution,
cocaine,
drug wars,
drug addicts,
degraded homeless flesh mongrels,
pain,
blood,
death,
all of the morbid.
But I am not a part of it, no.


Except for Cocaine, I will always love her.


I'm entranced by the taboo.
I can't look away.
I want to photo it all.
I want to observe these creatures crawling in their own guts and degradation.
It looks so good on film.
It looks so good when I drop the paper into the developer,
And I see a squirrel with it's intestines coming out of it's mouth.

I'm a fucking art freak.
I knew it, I was born a weirdo.
And I thought that I would have to hold all of this back and become a slave to the man.
Nonono,
This is working out in my favour.
I've got some kind of concentrated good luck in my veins, baby.

I'm moving to New York the first week of January 2013.

In two and a half months, I will be where I am meant to strive.
A city so huge that I am an anonymous dot.
A dot that no one knows, and I can therefore do what I want.
A dot surrounded by many numb ice hearted robots.
And I will be powerful because I've got soul to explode.
Sure, I'm a bit afraid.
Change does that.
I've got queens waiting over there for me, though.

I've got dreams that are waiting to be found over there.
I've tapped Santa Cruz.

I need something much bigger.
Much gnarlier.
Filled with the taboo.




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