I can be possibly feeling alone.
I've been isolating myself inside my head inside my home.
While others sit by my side speak of broken bones.
I'm the only one curious about myself, it seems.
However, it's something I should accept and never whine about and bleed.
The things I'm curious about have only drowned me in the sea.
It's an ugly thing to sit and read.
Causes anxiety in my feet.
Reminds me of the gritty words I uses to eat.
Gritty people on the street.
That Jo's still squirming there in me.
What I would do to kill her.
Leave her bloody, alone in the winter.
Grab her by the neck
Cause a black eye.
And trust me, I've tried.
Always wake up, and it's always on my face this time.
But I just hate her numbers, wish it was only one.
And when I'm over with you, ragged child.
Burry all you've done.
In the dirty dirt where you belong.
I feel as if she's just bugged by me about this Joe thing.
She also has been saying she wants to pay full rent for the room.
And she's only doing that because she wants full control.
And it would be like it was her room, and she's letting me stay in it.
Fuck you, I'm not moving to New York unless I fucking own where I fucking sleep.
Don't try and have control over me.
You can have control over all that's your own.
But you will not own it all and have me just pathetically depend on you.
I don't want to depend on anyone other than myself.
And this confusion only continues.
Chelsea was on his facebook.
And she was the one who told me that he didn't like me that way.
And she pretended to be him until she spoke as herself.
And as of 4 am this morning, they are broken up.
And he is flying here on my birthday tomorrow.
And I just got off the phone with him.
He said that he's coming here, and I am ditching him.
I asked, ditching him?
He said, yeah, I've been single for ten years, and now you're leaving back to California.
Boy, you didn't just run to this city for me.
I'll be back January 3rd.
Eliza is very very not down for this situation.
I am having a hard time listening to my realistic mind.
I want it.
I want to touch him.
And I want him to touch me.
And it's my birthday.
But Chelsea is my friend, I really love her, I respect the fuck out of that girl.
I am confused.
I wish that she was the one who was over him.
Maybe she is.
I don't know much about this situation.
I'm just all of a sudden involved in it.
Joe's quite troubled right now.
He's been in a relationship for ten years.
He is being very impulsive.
And we're a bit worried about him.
I hope that he doesn't snap.
I hope that he doesn't destroy anything, you know.
I am still so very upset.
I tried to sleep as long as I could on the plane, but I'm in between people.
I finally got comfortable and put the pillow on the desk thing in front of my seat.
My father comes back and disrupts me.
I don't think he liked that I did that.
But fuck you, I'm fucking trying to be unconscious here.
I am not going to take on other people's problems, they have broken me today.
I just feel so stupid.
And Chelsea and Joe aren't even leaving when they said they would.
They didn't even tell me.
I'm planning on making a cross country road trip with you, TELL ME IF YOU CHANGE THE DAYS WE'RE GOING.
Eliza is going to be mad and not down for this.
She's already mad at them for what Joe did to me.
I just want to rent my own Uhaul and go with Eliza.
No, authority chaps my fucking balls, fuck all of you.
I am so annoyed right. now.
I am betrayed by so many people.
And Joe, his older brother.
They have all betrayed me by fucking with me or my brother or my family.
Being in the airport, I find myself in the situation once again where human beings are cattle.
Filed into places slowly walking.
We're all customers you'll never remember.
Just take us from one place to the other as long as you get all of our money.
They world is really out to scam you, it is.
Oh, we don't take cards, you get a $25 fine.
Fuck you, everyone takes cards, get with it, toll booth.
I'm so sad for this beautiful planet.
Doing acid in Big Sur was so calming.
But this planet is suffocated..
By our cement roads and buildings.
I am sad for this beautiful place that we were given.
Selfish human beings.
We never think things fully through.
I am so disappointed in this Joe thing.
I am embarrassed.
But I am glad that there are no emotions involved.
I have other prospects.
I've taken interest in this guitar boy.
But what is that other than some fun here and there.
I don't even know what I want.
I don't want any emotions or rules.
But I want a constant friends to play with.
Not one that gets awkward like Bryce.
He's really embarrassed himself.
Ian is really fun.
But I'm not always in the mood for him.
I guess he's probably not always in the mood for me.
We're mainly friends, and he is one of the few who is really in the same head frame as I am.
And this won't get messy.
But I have realized the last time Ian and I played.
That sex is still something that I relate to love.
And though I want to play with these boys.
I don't really want to have sex.
I physically do, but.
There's just something about them going inside of me.
They're entering inside of my body.
And they're fucking ramming it.
And I just.
I just don't know how to explain it, but I think that's too personal.
And right now, it makes me feel like a degraded little girl.
I feel like I have to protect myself.
I don't want to have sex with people.
And especially after all of these realizations with the molestations.
And reading my old journals.
My old journals are so vile, but so addicting.
I have found hundreds of poems that I have written.
I would say at least one hundred.
I had no idea that I wrote so much.
I think it's just like a journal entry for me.
Sometimes it helps to just write it as a poem.
Rather than have to be so litteral about everything.
Makes this bland American language a little more fun.
I'm really bummed about this whole road trip being held back.
I want to get the fuck out.
I want to start my life already.
They fucking suck.
That means that we're basically going to have to pay our rent for January, but not live there.
I'm looking up my options now.
I am not going with them.
I am going when I want to.
I'm just fucking pissed everywhere. What I would do for a cigarette in this blimey airport.
This stupid place with stupid common folk people.
They all stare at me.
Like they haven't seen groovy clothes before.
That girl must be a freak weirdo.
Well, it's fucking true, bow to me, kiss my fucking dirty boots as I stomp on your fucking face, stare at me.
You pathetic boring people.
All look the same. In your Gap clothes.
Whatever label you've labeled yourself, you look like.
A crowd of gray's blues, blacks, whites.
People are just a sea to me.
A sea of road blocks in my way.
They look at me like I'm a different species.
Sorry that I don't spend my money on a pack of white t shirts.
Why am I going to spend money on something plain.
To fade into the human sea?
Ain't the life for me.
Oh yeah, you want to know about Daisy?
Let me tell you about Daisy.
He was in Mexico with Chelsea, his girlfriend of four years. And he is talking to me through messages.
He is telling me that he wants to cuddle and hold me. I ignore him at first. But then he says that she is making out with this boy right next to him.
As they are in an open relationship now.
And so he tells me that he likes me.
And so I tell him that I do, as well.
That I have had a crush on him since I met him.
And you want to know what.
He calls me the next day talking and venting.
And then he texts me this morning.
And you want to know what Daisy said?
He said that he lied to me.
He lied to me, Chelsea wasn't doing that, they aren't in an open relationship.
He asks me if he should tell her that he likes me. I said no.
And then, he said that he is sorry for confusing me about his feelings, he doesn't like me that way.
After I tell you the same, you take it back, fool.
Fool who said should I tell her I like you.
Fool who said "I was really drunk, and I knew we shouldn't even talk about that unless we had an excuse, so I made it up."
Fool who said I need you.
Fool who said Do you really care.
Fool who said that's why I hung out with you. I'm not a scumbag, but me, too. I just want to escape to you. Hold you. After I said that I had a crush since I met him. Fool who said Mashy, I want you to come over and stay there, I just want to hold you. Fool who said I'll wait, let me know.
I am mad, and made a fool of.
And after all those things, I'm not sure if I believe that he doesn't feel the same.
But I don't care, he has tainted such fun.
And he tells Chelsea, and she messages me that it's okay and respects me even more because of the way I handled things.
But I feel like a fucking whore.
Getting in between a relationship.
Swooping there so quickly.
He came to me, said it to me, and said they were in an open relationship.
But she is also my friend.
I just thought since she was making out with another dude that she didn't care for this one anymore.
But she wasn't making out with a dude.
And she does care for this one.
And he just took me and shoved me through the shredder.
And A similar thing with Walter!
Just talking to this guy, trying to help him out, help him figure out how to get better.
And he tells his girlfriend I called her names and said he should leave her.
Fuck these fucking lying boys getting me into shit I don't give a fuck about.
Fuck you pathetic sensitive pussies.
Deal with yourselves, then.
No, dude, don't even. I was really weird back then. It's a pretty ridiculous letter. I'll type it out maybe when I'm on the plane to Ny soon. I completely understand. We were so young, and I was doing stuff that probably made everyone uncomfortable. But you were really cool and one of the first positive people I met, so ya made an impression on me. Those were probably the best times I had in Sac.
Groovy boy, no.
He had to go.
I've been the one talking so much.
I'm going to let him go.
He seemed so eager in the beginning.
But I'm just quite a weirdo.
And so much stuff is happening that I can't help but.
Talk about it.
And people don't want to talk about these things.
They're weird and uncomfortable.
I really felt like a loser tonight.
I've also thrown up two days in a row.
And this horrible panic attack.
I ran from bathroom to bathroom.
Trying to find somewhere to hide.
Silently shaking in stall.
On the toilet seat, holding myself.
Shaking like I'm in shock, that's how it feels.
My eyes wide with fear.
Like a gun is to my head.
All the memories hit so fast.
And the pain of what they instilled in me.
It's like they're yelling everything at once.
And then the anger.
Of how much they really fucked me up.
I did so many things to myself.
Granted, It's my choice of reaction.
But I'm mad.
And it would have been nice to adventure with Groovy boy.
And shut my mind off.
And I wanted to get naked.
I fucking wanted to.
You know what, fuck that dude.
He was hanging out with Kai.
And he could have at least hung out before he left.
I don't know.
I guess that I'll be satisfied with what happened.
I wish that I didn't sleep with him.
I wish that I didn't.
And I didn't want to.
And I told him.
But it bugged him.
But I didn't fucking know him.
And I thought that we'd hang out.
And be friends, too.
He didn't really give much time for friends.
He talks about experiencing people.
He doesn't know a drop of experiencing me.
He doesn't know a thing.
And that's why we should have known each other better before we had sex.
But he was too eager.
Because I don't think that he really was as down for the experience as he says so.
Well, I am so disappointed.
Today has been horrible.
It has been horrible.
I stayed in the freezing shower with no hot water to shave to perfection.
I dragged myself out of bed.
And I was so nauseous from throwing up the night before.
We go to the photo lab.
And I had nothing to do.
I pick up my prints.
One Eliza fucked up, but I fixed it.
I started reading my journal.
And I'm all of a sudden freaking out balls.
Holy fucking shit.
I once again.
Got that burning heart.
And hazy vision.
I suppose it was because I was hyperventilating.
I go cry in the Dino.
I cried out loud.
I screamed words.
My pain was physical.
We went to Eliza's house so she could eat.
And I was just shut down.
I just slept in this circus dream.
Of twisting images from the Blue Book.
Such an angry sleep.
And I came home.
Ian found the Blue Book and started trolling through.
I wasn't bothered.
But I realized that I've hooked up with him.
And he may learn things about me that are poisonous.
I have stories I don't like to tell.
I feel so troubled.
I'm just trying to get laid.
But I don't feel comfortable sleeping with people I don't know.
And my friends aren't experienced enough for me to want to sleep with them.
I just want to be friends with someone and fuck them.
And stay friends.
And not have them turn into women.
Pussy little women.
Be a man.
Be fucking emotionless.
And fuck me.
And hang out and be my brotha the next day.
Today has been horrible.
But I have some new songs to play with Harrison.
And I've just got to look forward to these dreams I'm dreaming coming true.
Sometimes the dreams only get you laid once or twice.
And you didn't expect that.
But at least it came true.
At least I went to sleep excited for two nights.
You probably haven't dreamed about me.
Because you don't know that it's even something you could expect.
Has come back to me. Bad reminded me of my history. It’s left me angry. Boarding school degrading. Taking my mind and telling me it’s insane. I already knew that, but you don’t have to ruin my name. Put me in a game. Of isolation and silence. Sitting in a group of people. Taking the vocal violence. Telling me that I’m a disease to be feared. Telling them that they’re a victim of me, and it’s severe. You ruined me for a long time. And I spent nights trying to do myself right. My own fist flying and creating black eyes.
I thought it was meant to be. Thought I needed that my whole life. But I am not what you ever told me I was, boarding school. Living forced behind those ugly cold walls. All the doors locked. Staff are the only ones that held the key to freedom. Fuck you, money sucking mongrels. You fucked me. Those who followed you blindly. Robots so kindly. Blind. Blind to you, boarding school. They’re trained to become blind to the government. And all authority. You saw me. Someone who can’t help but stand for what they believe. And it scared you. Because I was too powerful to be truly brainwashed. So many cases trying to sue to for fucking with our brains. Every morning, I’d use the bathroom. Where that boy hung himself in the stall. Forever caged behind those ugly walls. But look at those robots now. Such plain little meek common folk. Getting their cosmetic licenses. Listening to music you find on the popular radio. Look at them, so boring, so normal. And me, the freak weirdo destruction you tried to destroy. I’m the one already making things that blow a mind. I’m the strongest one with the most amazing life. And you are not to thank, no not a thing. When they put a microphone to my face and ask about you. I will speak of things that will embarrass you so.
Fuck you, Island View. And fuck you, New Leaf Academy. You’re already rotting in your disgusting mind. You’re rotting for life living in society’s lie.
And I’m simply going to continue living in the full reality. And you will continue living in fear of me.
We go into my room.
Start shooting with the studio lights.
I find my old journal from the last boarding school.
He tells me to read it as he photos.
And I did.
And then I realized what I was saying.
After too long.
I laughed and put it down.
We moved on to other photos.
Man, I want to get laid.
Um, I don't know what I feel.
But I feel a lot of love from today.
I've been with these amazing people all day.
And it makes me want to make something.
But I wish I was petting a warm body tonight.
Kissing warm lips.
My hands in warm hair.
My head on a warm chest.
With thick little soft hairs.
I want to cuddle for real.
And fall asleep on someone.
Kiss their neck.
I want to wake up in a cuddle.
Drink some dark coffee.
And smoke cigarettes.
And sit in a warm car during the rain
Smoking weed and listening to The Beatles.
Is what I weigh as of today.
I have never gone under 120.
I weighed 115 when I was a chub 11 year old.
This is my thinnest yet.
But it's fine.
I was so harshly bulimic for two years.
And never made it to here.
And my boobs were deflated.
And my ass was the same.
And here I am, 117 with somewhat boobs.
And a big butt.
And this is making me so happy.
I am becoming the woman I want to be in all ways.
And I'm not withering and rotting myself.
I've always been a 130 girl.
Even when I was working out almost every day.
This is amazing.
Daisy came over.
I have had a crush on him since I met him.
I love his girlfriend, Chelsea, though.
But he's talking about the end.
It's so depressing.
It's exactly how it was with Bryan.
But Daisy and I get along so well.
We met in this dream voodoo world.
And it's taking us in.
We're sucked in, and it's tripping us out.
We're sticking together through this mind fuck.
Chelsea may or may not come to Ny.
They've been together for four years.
It's pretty gnarly at this age.
I would not want to meet my forever right now.
But he tried playing me a song he wrote.
And kept getting too nervous.
He kept asking himself why he was so nervous in front of me.
And it was very interesting to see someone go through the same anxiety I have.
To play in front on someone.
And you want to know what's funny?
I played my song for him, and I felt fine.
It was fun, and he jammed to it.
He really liked it.
I just get along with this guy so well.
We're crazy awkward loser weirdos.
I feel extremely comfortable with him.
He spent the night on the couch.
Sent me a text this morning saying that I'm lovely.
And that he read my poetry and thought it was great.
Ah, but my journal entries look like this!
This poetic form.
Of split lines.
He read my journal... I mean
My sketchbook has poems and scribbles.
And it's hard to decipher them.
And I was showing him some poems and art in my sketch book.
But he read the journal entry.
Where I talked about the whole camping trip.
And I mention my molestations.
So I wonder what he thought of that.
I'm really glad to know this boy.
And I'm really glad we're going to Ny together.
Because, Daisy, he's coming over. And to somehow drink this wine with him. I was in bed.
Before Zephyr called me at 12:30 am.
Seeing Zeph is the best thing ever.
I am partially attracted to him, but that's just he female/male friendship.
It means nothing to act upon, that's for sure.
Am I a stupid girl for chasing what I want?
But I'll back down after a few.
I'mma try, though.
I'll do a lot to get what I want.
But if it don't want me.
No no no.
I'll go with tha flow.
So sadly so.
But as I walk, I still spread tha glow.
Oh you boring boy.
Why are you so at the moment.
Do men really come across so boring through texting?
I'm not being a woman through this, no.
I'm trying to have something interesting with you.
Don't be so boring.
Smearing my gold in my face.
LAUGH AT YOU.
A fool making me look as if I am one, myself.
I'll stomp, it's quite easy.
To stomp on you, so pleasing.
Don't be boring, I'm inviting you,
Into this gypsy voodoo.
So sacred and so secret.
You're being let into,
But becoming a partial regret.
Keep this in hold, boy,
Because you know it's leaving.
You continue to play.
As if I'm fiending.
Fool you are.
Playing me for something that you are.
Fool, you are.
Playing with me, the weirdo freak star.
I got these blue boots for a couple things.
Pulling a couple strings.
But most of all,
I stomp you all.
Could have been a good time.
But you're pissing off my bubbling stomach of wine.
That I was excited about this boy, you know.
It was such a perfect scenario.
This Groovy Boy, you know.
An artist freak like me.
He had already started to teach me something about the rules and my mind.
And, you know.
I was so excited, he is so attractive and delicious.
And the times were great times, you know.
But it's been about a week.
You know, since he tried any communication.
And with my last attempt,
You know, I found myself disappointed.
But you can't let yourself get caught up on text.
Soul less text.
But you know, I thought that I would be considered interesting, too.
And give him something to learn.
But he's not asking for it, no, you know.
And I am feeling like quite the fool.
But I still want to talk to him.
I want this emotionless lust groove.
I want a friendship most of all.
I just want to get to know him.
The first night we truly spent time.
Was kind of awkward at first due to myself.
My stupid young self that I found was still inside of me.
I thought I stomped her,
But oh well, I fessed up to it.
And then Sasha's news came out.
And you know, that could scare a boy away, yeah.
But it shouldn't scare a guy, a man, away, no, you know.
Saw me once again.
And I gave him something I wasn't sure of.
And where'd ya go, boy?
Where'd ya go, ya know?
I gave in and shot you a message.
And I'm sitting here,
Anxiety to the bones.
Grinding and waiting.
Please, don't take my excitement for attachment.
I do this to many of my friends.
I see something I like, and I'm gonna get that.
Don't be a fool.
You lucky thing.
You lucky thing that gets to see me where most dream.
You lucky you.
I have been nothing but a sacrament in Santa Cruz.
The whole time I've been here,
I have been untouchable.
You lucky Groovy Boy, you
You got something not many can say that they have received in this town.
Don't slop around with your presents.
Don't waste the gold that is in your hands.
And I wanted to spend this time having fun with you.
But I'm assuming you took my actions the wrong way.
I may be a little gentle when I touch you.
And I may cuddle you like it means more than it does.
But I'm doing it all for the touch.
I know how to touch and make myself feel good.
Because your skin is nice upon mine.
But don't you mistake these things for any form of love.
For I am not looking for even one drop of so.
Love is something I only have for my woman.
To be free.
And weirdo freak.
And gosh oh gosh.
This is all the dream I've been dreaming.
And I think that I'm just going to continue this dreaming.
Dreaming more dreams to fly about in eventually.
I'm going to dream big dreams.
And next thing I know it,
I'll be walking in these new dreamt dreams.
And these dreams I'm walking in now will be a great memory.
Dreams upon dreams.
Screams upon great screams.
Photoing eventful things.
Twisting within and without these twisting beings.
I've got so much pumping through my spine.
It gives me a glorious day each time.
And it's all because.
Yeah, it's all because of these dreams of mine.
I see you, other small girl.
You're still walking alone.
I thought you had the awesome road.
That you dreamt of every night.
But you seem to have forgotten.
And are continuing in Jo's awful fright.
She still spends her days with you.
Trying to bite at me.
But I forgot about her!
I'm walking as I'm dreaming!
Yes, I hear you screaming.
And, no, it's not great like mine.
I can hear you screaming.
A loud awful whine.
But I'm smirking my twisting spine.
I'm walking in my dream this time.
I'm sitting in the back of Tha Dino.
Going south on highway one.
We're on our way to Big Sur.
To take acid.
We've brought all the art supplies.
We've brought wine.
We've brought trippy clothes.
We've barely brought our minds.
We've brought our voodoo.
Our gypsy shoop da woop.
We're baby love children.
The three of us, we are.
I'm so happy to be doing this.
Before I move to New York.
I've got to get all the hippie
California bleep blop blippy.
I want to put it all into a concentrate.
To suck and sip on.
And when I think back on these days.
I'll feel them in my veins.
I wish that I could bring Groovy Boy.
With me to New York.
Not for any reasons of love.
But lust and groove.
Gypsy nights in a teepee.
These are days that mean so much to me.
Today I didn't eat until 6pm,
And that worried me.
But then I smoked with Heath for hours.
And just ate non stop.
I ate a lot yesterday, too.
And I haven't been throwing it up, though.
I just feel like I can't afford that right now.
But it begs me to.
I ate and ate in front of Heath.
Like a mongrel.
And he called me cute.
it makes me feel like a baby again like I'm innocent and they're doing bad things I know there's some shit that happened when I was little, but I feel like there's more that I just don't remember yet and it's not my job it's when I was little I know someone touched me there I know it I think about it all the time the guys felt bad because they weren't raping me we were all running around naked and playing with eachother in all good fun but I just get scared this one guy was all over me and I just kept running away and I'd end up in Kellen's room and It was like they couldn't enter in there