25.11.12

I am still so very upset.
I am.
I tried to sleep as long as I could on the plane, but I'm in between people.
I finally got comfortable and put the pillow on the desk thing in front of my seat.
My father comes back and disrupts me.
I don't think he liked that I did that.
But fuck you, I'm fucking trying to be unconscious here.

I am not going to take on other people's problems, they have broken me today.
I just feel so stupid.
And Chelsea and Joe aren't even leaving when they said they would.
They didn't even tell me.
I'm planning on making a cross country road trip with you, TELL ME IF YOU CHANGE THE DAYS WE'RE GOING.
Eliza is going to be mad and not down for this.
She's already mad at them for what Joe did to me.
I just want to rent my own Uhaul and go with Eliza.

But, no.
No, authority chaps my fucking balls, fuck all of you.
Fuck everything.
I am so annoyed right. now.
I am betrayed by so many people.
Walter.
Joe.
Kelby.
Sasha.
Josh.
And Joe, his older brother.
They have all betrayed me by fucking with me or my brother or my family.

Being in the airport, I find myself in the situation once again where human beings are cattle.
Filed into places slowly walking.
We're all customers you'll never remember.
Just take us from one place to the other as long as you get all of our money.
They world is really out to scam you, it is.
Oh, we don't take cards, you get a $25 fine.

Fuck you, everyone takes cards, get with it, toll booth.


I'm so sad for this beautiful planet.
Doing acid in Big Sur was so calming.
But this planet is suffocated..
By our cement roads and buildings.
I am sad for this beautiful place that we were given.
Selfish human beings.
We never think things fully through.


I am so disappointed in this Joe thing.
I am embarrassed.
But I am glad that there are no emotions involved.
 
I have other prospects.
I've taken interest in this guitar boy.
But what is that other than some fun here and there.
I don't even know what I want.
I don't want any emotions or rules.
But I want a constant friends to play with.
Not one that gets awkward like Bryce.
He's really embarrassed himself.

Ian is really fun.
But I'm not always in the mood for him.
I guess he's probably not always in the mood for me.
We're mainly friends, and he is one of the few who is really in the same head frame as I am.
And this won't get messy.

But I have realized the last time Ian and I played.
That sex is still something that I relate to love.
And though I want to play with these boys.
I don't really want to have sex.
I physically do, but.
There's just something about them going inside of me.
They're entering inside of my body.
And they're fucking ramming it.
And I just.
I just don't know how to explain it, but I think that's too personal.
And right now, it makes me feel like a degraded little girl.
I feel like I have to protect myself.
I don't want to have sex with people.
And especially after all of these realizations with the molestations.
And reading my old journals.
My old journals are so vile, but so addicting.
I have found hundreds of poems that I have written.
I would say at least one hundred.
I had no idea that I wrote so much.
I think it's just like a journal entry for me.
Sometimes it helps to just write it as a poem.
Rather than have to be so litteral about everything.
Makes this bland American language a little more fun.

I'm really bummed about this whole road trip being held back.
I want to get the fuck out.
I want to start my life already.
They fucking suck.
That means that we're basically going to have to pay our rent for January, but not live there.

I'm looking up my options now.
I am not going with them.
I am going when I want to.
Fuck them.

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