17.12.12

And hanging out with Hannah today.
I started talking about sex somehow.
And I tried to explain to her why I am not so in the mood such.
And as I speak, I think that I began to understand more.
I mentioned the memories.
I didn't mention the shadows.
Because that situation was more my fault.
Compared to the others.
Though I didn't intend on going limp.
And I think that.
I didn't have much time at purity.
You know, until six really.
And then it was gone.
And then when I started sexual explorations on my own terms.
I just used them soul less.
I only saw sex as power.
And I just dominated and objectified.
I wanted sex to be soul less for me.
Because I felt like it could so easily destroy me.
So I destroyed it.
And being with Bryan.
I learned about sex and love.
And I like that sex.
But that takes vulnerability.
And for two and a half years, I was vulnerable all by myself.
Well I'm cold blooded when it comes to that now.
And I think that this feeling of protecting myself.
Is because I would like some purity now.
And I feel fine with the hook ups.
But I really would like to have anything sexual in my life.
To only be positive and un regretful. 
And yeah, I would like some purity.
And I think that six years isn't enough.
So I'm going to gain some now.

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