25.12.13

I feel like I should be more creative, so I'm going to only write, photo, jam, paint, whateva is cleva, but I don't want to state at screens. 

24.12.13

I feel as though I need to be more selfless. 

23.12.13

I feel better this morning, but still have about ten pounds to go.
By the time that I return to New York,
I will be mysf again.  
I have no other option. 
I've found two meth pipes in my room. 
But I hope their old. 
I believe him when he says he doesn't do it anymore. 

But they don't smell like hash. 
So I know...

22.12.13

I don't have panic attacks anymore. 
Just the overwhelming sense of something wrong at all times 
I wish I had no family so that I could do what ever I want. 

I have this urge to leave this country. 
I want to shock my mind into feeling something. 

It becomes greater and greater, the sense that I am empty. 
And it becomes greater and greater, my need to cease that. 

However, it is impossible. 


What if the devil did take me that night. 
I wish I had no family so that I could do what ever I want. 

I have this urge to leave this country. 
I want to shock my mind into feeling something. 

It becomes greater and greater, the sense that I am empty. 
And it becomes greater and greater, my need to cease that. 

However, it is impossible. 


What if the devil did take me that night. 
I almost cried. 
I tried to let myself. 
But it never happens. 
My obesity is alarming and rising though I have changed my habits for the most part. 
I hope this is due to my upcoming woman explosion. 
I am so ashamed. 
I haven't weight nor looked like this since eighteen. 
I put on six six pants today, and they fit. 
I was a size one once. 
I was. 
Where did I go. 
This isn't me. 
I can't starve myself. 
I literally can't. 

But this is horrible!

Today I had two mandarins, mango, two bananas, one sugar cookie that was pretty small, a bowl of soup, a cup of coffee, two cups of black tea, some flat bread and hummus, and I am on my first glass of wine. 

21.12.13

Today I had two mandarins, mango, two bananas, one sugar cookie that was pretty small, a bowl of soup, a cup of coffee, two cups of black tea, some flat bread and hummus, and I am on my first glass of wine. 
Okay. 
Even when I just moved to Ny, I was thinner. 
I have become something horrible. 
Coffee in the morning and nothing else except for fruit if I break. 
And drink coffee and coffee and coffee. 
Cigarettes and tea. 
And um get to dads. 
And try new pills. 
If I fuck up, tea. 
Follow all mental rules. 

20.12.13

This weight is the cause of my lack of control in life. 

19.12.13

Clara put things in perspective.
I am doing too many drugs.

I also think I'm anemic. 
I also know that I did this to myself.

I feel as if I have focused on meeting new people.
Which is great.
But at the same time, 
Being around my skat pak helps keep me balanced.
And it is yet another aspect as to why I have gone insane recently.
I considered throwing up today.
But it wasn't much of a battle.
My hair is falling out from it.
I can't.
And that explains why I have had a hard time leaving my bed.
And have fallen to lucid dreams.
Because of bulimia.
I have things to say.
But it is exhausting to even type them.
I have been thinking so much.
I've gone mad inside of my mind.
I did Dmt.
And munched on some shrooms.
A couple days ago.
I wish I could just hide myself for two weeks.
Until I am fixed.
But, no, I am to run around California.
I am a never ending jumping bean.

14.12.13

I didn't eat yesterday
Did Molly 
Coke
Drank tequila
Bought Dmt
Played St James Infirmary with a beautiful man. 
Sang together
And I'm going to grab him tonight 
And put my face onto his. 
Yes I am. 

12.12.13

My gluttony is the cause of my lack of sex drive. 
I will be divine. 
I will conquer once again 
I will be powerful. 
I will have control. 

3
2
1

10.12.13

So I have gone through a realization. 
And that is that this year and a half. 
Of horrible things. 
I have silenced myself. 
And attempted at full control of my emotions. 
And when I say that, I mean silencing anything negative.
And of course this is why I have had the ailment of many panic attacks. 
But I have realized. 
That it has taken a toll on me. 
And because everything was silent.
I wasn't aware that it was happening.
My depression last night was thick.
To realize what I have done to myself. 
I have resorted back to my habits of eighteen years old.
Bulimia and drugs. 
My mind has taken the toll for me. 
As well as my hair falling out. 
And this also aids my lack of sexuality. 
So I am to eat instead of starvig myself.
And keep my food if I fuck up. 
And if I'm unhappy with what I ate, let that be a lesson not to be such a sloth. 
I am to go to the gym during my time in California.
I am to make decisions based on what is best for my future and for my health. 
I am to respect myself. 
I have taken such a step back.
And it is so disappointing and shameful. 
I want power and control.
And now that I have all of this silenced within myself, 
I am to feel these things.
And what a worse time than winter. 
It is snowing which is beautiful. 
But also frightening. 
This is survival. 
And with myself dead inside.
That is a task on its own. 
I want to hide myself until I am fixed. 
But I don't have any time to hide inside of my own home. 
I won't be in my own home for long. 
And so I will interact and socialize. 
With all of this brooding in my head.
And it is going to be hard not to seek people's consoling. 
I don't know if I should stay silent. 
Or vocalize these things in order to solidify them. 

9.12.13

I am so ashamed.
I simply have this feeling in my chest.
Of disappointment in myself.
It has come to the point.
Where I have been bulimic for three weeks.
And my hair has fallen out too much.
My hair is too thin 
No more bile. 

6.12.13

Vile
A heart attack up for trail
My bile has returned for the while

She sings as she walks down the raining street
Winter is a crime when you're in New York Sweet
She gags the same vocal chords that woo you to sleep
In order to gain the pleasure when she and folks meet

The flowers have gone with the warmth that we miss 
Staining her insides like the photos she prints
But without the idodine and bleach that burns it to grits 
There are other ways for her to maintain within her wits

The record player has gone on too long
Ya know
The album is skipping
She left for the show

A burning stomach leaves fire in her skull
The white of her eyes have become all that is shown 
Rolled back in her head
Thirsty mind leaves ya dead
Baby remembers 
When she's put to bed

Remember, remember 
Ya mind is bad weather
Guttenous functions 
Diseased when you clever

I sit in the chair
Waiting for baby candy cane
She's not to return
For she has forgotten my name. 

28.11.13

I know this is silly. 
But Happy Thanksgiving. 
I am not eating a single thing today. 

27.11.13

Happy birthday, you've let yourself go. 
Happy birthday, you're fat. 
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
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You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
"What happened, you gained weight and let yourself go."

My mother. 
She says my hair is thinning. 
Does she know why. 

I am never eating again. 
And that's a silly thing to say. 
But that's it. 
That's the last straw. 

War on thyself has commenced. 
"What happened, you gained weight and let yourself go."

My mother. 
She says my hair is thinning. 
Does she know why. 

I am never eating again. 
And that's a silly thing to say. 
But that's it. 
That's the last straw. 

War on thyself has commenced. 
My whole family is taking about how my hair is thinning. They're asking me why, I can't tell them. 
Hiccuping is frightening when you're bulimic. 

26.11.13

I had a dream of a tsunami last night.
And this scares me because it means that repressed memories are about to come out.
And this happened last time I had a tsunami dream.
And I am about to see Bryce.
And the only times that I've had a repressed memory come out was with him.
And So I don't want anymore.
I don't need anymore.

But I am excited to see him.
I haven't slept with him nor seen him since Jan 1st of 2013.
And Bryan was the last person I slept with on the 7th.
I am seeing Bryce before I ever see Bryan.
And that is the destiny that I created on New Years.

In my dream last night, I was in Santa Cruz.
And I kept bumping into Bryan.
I'd wave at him. Throw him a peace sign.
It was fine for me.
I hate that he climbs into my dreams.
I don't think of him much.
But my dreams are always making him beg for my forgiveness.
My dreams of Bryan always consist of him begging me back.
Or just trying to hook up with me.
And I don't want to because I know it's not worth it.
Ah, but I give in because he is comfort.

Also, I've been more bulimic than I have been since I have moved to New York.
And I'll be honest to you that it's the pressure of returning to California that let my guard down.
I was extremely skinny when I left.
I was so beautiful.
I am done with throwing up, I hope.
I have been eating less and less.
And I hope to maintain that.
My hair is falling out.
And it's always so frustrating how quickly that happens.
My body always degrades so quickly.
I think to tell me that it has no patience for this.

I am so excited to see Bryce.
He went through the effort to change his schedule around.
To see me.
And he told me that I was the best sex of his life.
And that also puts some pressure on me to uphold that.
And to have a beautiful body.
Because we have both been fantasizing about each other.
As we go to sleep.
And it's been a year since we've seen each other.
And it's carried on for that long.
I just really want to.
Have this time.

14.11.13

This dream has left me in shock.
It was a series of lucid dreams within my normal dreams.
I was at parties in my dreams.
At the SchoolHaus
But it didn't look like the SchoolHaus
And in these parties, 
I would curl up and fall asleep.
One time, a guy came up and curled around me.
I didn't know if it was real or a dream within my dream.
So, I lucidly reached for his arm and grabbed him.
And I conquered the barrier within consciousness and dreaming.
Within a dream.
And I started grooving with this guy.
I wouldn't kiss him.
Or touch him.
But I just let him feel me around.
And he gets on top of me.
And it's as if I woke up in that moment.
I push him off and tell him I don't want to do anything.
And he's just embarrassed, 
And everyone is looking at us.
And I can see my naked legs.
He is sitting next to me getting dressed.
I apologize and apologize.
It all was just me testing reality.
But as I speak my sorries, he seemed to forget who I was.
And then I truly wake.
Still at the party.
Just alone.
And keep in mind, here.
That this lucid dream was within my actual dream.
And I don't really consider my actual dream to have been lucid.
Though I could feel everything I felt mentally and physically.

I am having a part at my house.
Which looked so different.
Derek was still my room mate.
But I have this memory of standing in my laundry room.
A mixture of brick wall and wood.
With grafitti thickly covering.
And I was thinking about how Bryan used to live there.
Though this was never the case.
Throughout my whole entire dream,
I keep seeing people at these parties.
And they are a friend of mine.
But they change into someone else as I come closer and speak to them.
Or when I wake from my dream.
There were two people who I thought were another two.
And so, I fall asleep at me party.
And I dreamed that I was back at the Corinthian.
I see my Rob who I met here in Brooklyn.
The floors are wooden.
I slide myself to him.
Because of the last instance with the lucid guy,
I used my lucid power within this dream
To have a moment with this boy.

I wake.

The next day, I am walking right outside of my house.
It's in this alley way
With vendors on both sides.
This voodoo woman.
I guess we knew each other.
Just from repeated sight.
She is selling these beautiful ponchos.
That are meant to hold babies like kangaroos.
And they have zippers.
Well, I can't remember the act,
But someone was rude to her.
And I turn around and come to her.
I tell her I love the poncho,
And she tells me that she does as well though she does not have a child to fill it.
I enter her small area, but it expands.
And she tells me that I'm about to go through something.
She holds my hands, and a tingle runs through my entire body.
And sherly up the back on my neck.
I look at my hand after she releases,
And she put a small splinter into my ring finger.

The rest of this dream is a mess.
A mess of waking and falling back so quickly.
She stood by her jewelry display as I fell victim to my sleep.
I would fall and have lucid lucid dreams.
Wake for a moment to try to get myself out of them.
And fall back so quickly.
I was fighting myself.
And I fought the urge to convulse.
But I finally gave in.
Convulsing at an uneven pattern of time at first.
And then more regularly and constant.
I had a lucid dream I was with the woman.
Looking down from a bridge in the mountains down onto a river.
However, in my mind, this was New York.
And I watch as I see huge dolphins.
And submarines.
I thought it was odd until I saw killer whales, 
and I knew that something was irregular.
There was a bridge splitting the river.
The whales swam under it,
And I look to the right side of the bridge.
I watch what I thought was a killer whale turn now into a bull.
WIth the same colouring.
The same skin.
Prancing from my side of the river to the other.
Parallel with the bridge.
And there are quite a few.
As they pranced, the water turned to earth.
But there were killer whales and dolphins congregating with them
at the opposite side of the mountain.
Somehow floating in water still.

I convulsed, and I convulsed.
And I can't tell where I was convulsing.
In my sleeping state in my dream.
Or in my sleeping state in reality.
I convulsed, and I convulsed.
The voodoo woman watched over me with care and protection.
I forced myself awake when my phone rang.

13.11.13

Bulimiiiiiiaaaaaa. 

2.11.13

Even this cigarette can not stop me from crying. 
Today I realized that all relationships change overtime. 
All of them 
I am swallowing this panic attack. 
I just feel betrayed. 
And this makes me feel lonely. 
Not betrayed, but not stood up for. 
I feel like Liza being okay with Clara makes it okay what she did. 
Like I am the only one who is going to stand up for myself. 
And I don't think that anyone has the right to tell people who to be friends with. 
But this is a feeling inside of me that I can't shake. 
And reality can't overtake how I feel. 
I don't think that Liza loves me as much as she used to. 
And this is the reality setting in. 
That our friendship has changed since Ny. 
We are separate. 
And there isn't a voodoo between us. 
I am myself. 
I am alone. 
And I am the only one who will demand respect and stand up for myself. 
Gluttony is conquered. 
I eat enough to live. 
But my bones. 
My shape. 
Ooo na na. 
I love the way my face looks when I'm thin. 
I love being thin!
It cures so much anxiety. 


But I am loveless. 
Shea says he falls in love with everyone. 
I love myself and my friends. 

I love being thin. 

Shea is interesting and fucked up. 
But a dangerous mess. 
Sahara's mom foretold this. 
But even if there wasn't a fortune told. 
I would have been aware. 

I have much to tell. 
But I don't care to tell it yet. 

29.10.13

I NEED TO STARVEI NEED TO STARVE
I'VE LIST MYSELF FOR ALMOST A YEAR

I NEEDCONTROL

23.10.13

There is a dream I've been needing to finish for ten years. 
And maybe then I could wake up. 

17.10.13

It is overwhelming when you aren’t motivated, and it is unmotivating when it is overwhelming.

15.10.13

I had the GNARLIEST dream!
One aspect was that I came back to California,
And Bryan was in love with me.
And we were together again.
And we were so happy to be touching each other.
And sleeping together.
But I remember thinking.
Oh man, this means that.
I can not sleep with Bryce during Thanksgiving break.
And I questioned myself whether it was worth it.
Or not.
But in reality apart from this dream.
I know that if I were ever to get with him again.
It would remain as sexless as it ever was.
He's a dry man.

Ah, but.
Grace died.
And I buried her.
And her grave was in my house.
And I took her out of her coffin.
And she was this small swollen black body.
Covered like a mummy.
I don't remember why I took her out.
But I didn't put her back correctly.
And you could see through a little window in the coffin.
And she was this black cat.
She was awake in there, trying to escape.
But the coffin was connected to these two hoses.
And they had popped off.
They would let this gas into the coffin.
I kept trying to put them on.
And every time I got them on,
She would fall asleep.
But they'd pop off due to pressure,
And the gas was making me sleepy.
The last time they popped off,
I saw her cat climbing the wall and go into a hole.
It was so fucking creepy and frightening.
Because she was dead!
And so, in my dream.
I had this flashback of a memory.
Having to transport some animal.
And I get into it's cage with it.
But it's completely covered.
And it was the same set up with the tubes and the gas.
And it put us to sleep.
And I realized that maybe Grace wasn't dead this whole time.
But gassed in the coffin.
And I didn't know what to think.
Whether she was zombie like.
Or a victim.
And at one point,
This black water starts splooging all over my wooden floors.
And I kept screaming It's Grace!
I am haunted!!
She is haunting me!!
But, no.
I look up, and I had let my fish tank run over control.

And also in my dream,
I think it was my friend, Diana, who was sleeping over.
She brought her new girlfriend.
And though Diana had the queen bed,
The girlfriend was sleeping on the floor next to me.
And she explained because she didn't want to have sex yet.
And I offered her to share my twin mattress,
But it was too small.
So I made a cushioned little thing for her next to me.
And I woke to her arm around me as we slept.

And there was this van of men.
Following me.
Thinking I had murdered Grace or something.
I caught them staring at me.
And I am with all of these kids my age.
A group of boys who came to a party or something.
And this blonde boy with curly hair and a manly face.
He comes up to me.
And tells me we met before I went to Europe.
And that he wrote me a letter.
I remembered the letter,
But not it's contents.
But that it struck me.
And he told me in the letter, he told me
He was aware that I was anorexic.
And that I had to stop and take care of myself.
And as he told me this,
I grabbed his arm,
And I closed my eyes.
And just felt a bit pained.
And embarrassed.
But he was such a sweet boy.
And he was sweet on me.
And every time I saw him in my dream,
We would lock eyes.
And I felt something in my chest about him.
I am a bit disappointed that.
This part of my dream was just that.
A dream.

11.10.13

Tonight is the night that I want spray paint again.

I was also called by the defendant of when I was arrested. 
She says to me she met me once.
But she can tell I have a bright future.
And that I must get 

An executive sherrif just interrupted me. 
To know my name. 
It is 3:41 am. 
He is confused why I can not spend time with him right now. 


What. 

1.10.13

My matryoshka was broken in my dream. 

28.9.13

Some of my friends. 
Who I saw as strong. 
Are so weak right now. 
It pushes me away from them. 
Weakness is nothing I want around me. 

26.9.13

Tha boy from YungRectumz IllegalTruble hit me up. 
Entheo! 
His name is Cody. 
I am nervous. 
And excited. 
Ooh la. 

24.9.13

Clara and I went to the office today.
Adlai was there, and it was amazing to see him.
He is starting a new company for his wife called Tangerine.
A woman's lifestyle company that has tha flavour of the moroccan times in the 20's.
And he asked us to be clothing designers for it!
I got ten colour prints done today.
Five black and white yesterday including a solarization.
My next book is Young Little.
And I am seeing Bryce during Thanksgiving.
And I am giving thanks for that.

I don't want to tell anyone about Tangerine.
Because people were offended about Articity. 

23.9.13

My knees are healed to two big round scars. 
But they still hurt when I kneel on them. 

Today, I took a tennis racket, and I beat the fucking shit out of something and screamed at the top of my lungs. 
And it felt so perfect.

21.9.13

I went through such an eating disorder night.
I am really disappointed in myself.
It has made me so tired and weak and conscious of my body. 
To be honest.
I smoked weed.
And it felt great to be stoned.
But my gluttony.
My gluttony is why I really can't smoke it.
It weighs me down so much.
I sadly.
Can not smoke weed.

Mika was at a party in my building last night.
He hit me up to come and hang.
But he almost immediately brought up my roof.
And spray painting on it.
And that was obvious.
I can always tell when someone is using me for my roof.
And I let him use the last of my spray paint.
He said he would hit me up about some parties tonight.
I hope he does because I would like to talk to his friend.
But at the same time.
I am so disappointed about being a starving child.
I must go to the gym.
After I finish my green tea.

I don't want to go back to that.
I felt strong when I was working out often.

I fell so fast. 

20.9.13

Starvy during the week day. 
Barfy during the weekend.
I'm fucking stupid god damnit what. 
What. 
Why. 

18.9.13

No gym for two weeks.
Eating disorder back in order. 
Ugh. 

15.9.13

I watched the movie, Mysterious Skin.
And is has done to me the same
As the Garden of the Night.

The two boys were molested.
And one turns into a prostitute.
A soulless.
Empty.
Jo.
And the other turns to a prude.
A Young Little.
Asexual.

And you see, the thing is that.
This movie portrayed both of my reactions to such knowledge of my own.
Though I was Jo when I didn't know.
And Young Litte when I did.


But the thing about this movie.
Which I did not expect.
Was that the last lines were.
"I wanted to tell him that it was all going to be okay. 
But it is not."

And the second I heard it, 
I became a river.
The words are said.
The ones that I have feared.
It is the truth.
That.
These moments are permanent.
I can not erase them.

And I cried and cried.
And I was Young Little.
She woke up.
And I just wished that I could hug her.
I know that it sounds a bit madd.
But I wish that I could hug the child that I was.



And I haven't talked about therapy.
But during the session.
I learned a bit about my child hood.
I remembered how hard it was to have friends.
Learning English, and everyone thought I was so weird.
They found me interesting because I was trouble.
And I was hyper.
And I had no restraints.

But I was and have always been entertainment.
People enjoy the energy that I bring.
But they sit back and watch me.

But I have realized that I have always simply wanted
Friendships with depth
And I saw all of the other kids enjoy such a thing.
But I was never included.
For the longest time, it was my brother and I.

I played with the neighbourhood kids,
But they used me for entertainment.
And when it came down to what I wanted.
It was not convenient for them.

And I forgot about the loneliness that I felt as a child.
And the lack of acceptance.
I remember walking to day care.
And it was winter.
And my mother made me wear a puffy jacket.
 I was so anxious to go to school.
Because I felt as it it accentuated the fact that I was overweight.

I remember the social anxiety that I always felt.
Because I never had the depth.
I was always a sidekick.
And I never really realized how badly I wanted true friends.

This is why I stuck with Melissa and Brenden Engelman for so long.
But Melissa was molestive.
And she tried to make me have sex with her brother, Brenden.

When I was six years old, and Dylan Motley asked me if I wanted to have sex
I asked him what that was.
And he told me that it made you best friends.
And I remember how that felt.
I was so happy.
I wanted a best friend.

But I was entertainment.


My father would call me a loser as he drove me to school.
Every fucking day.
He would talk to my brother about how fat I was.
And compare me to my friends.
He told me there's no wonder I have no friends.
Or that I lose them.
That I was going to end up nothing.
Because I was pathetic and stupid.

And I remember being young and wondering.
Why I was so different to the other kids.
Why they didn't see me the same as the others.
I still don't understand.
But it made me start to believe that something was wrong with me.

And those bad actions towards me.
They made me believe that there was something special about me.
That I was meant for the gutter.

I am okay now, but I am burdened by this.

Also,
I always had a feeling I was molested.
And I was.
I always had a feeling I would be raped.
And I was.
I always had a feeling I would be in a car crash.
And I have been in a few.
And I have this feeling.
That I am going to be hit by a car.
And I have this feeling.
That shadows will come into the night.
But With these feelings, 
I also feel that I will come out of them as harmless as possible.













14.9.13

Boy boy has a beautiful face. 
And he watches me. 

And I am too afraid to look at him. 
My head and neck freeze forward. 


My next step after making him watch me. 
Is to look at him and smile. 

I have retreated to a juvenile Young Little. 
It is nice because I feel like. 
Maybe. 
I really have regained my purity. 

10.9.13

More memories though not sexual 
But painful
Have come.

And I don't think that I am able to love or be loved by another yet. 

9.9.13

A lot has changed
A week ago,
I all of a sudden felt better.
After the panic attack,
I kind of accepted everything.
And Young Little went to bed.

I am no longer upset over the lack of care from that boy.
And have accepted that everyone I've met in Ny
Is only an acquaintance.

And once I realized that.
I was no longer offended by the lack of reciprocation.
Because I simply mistook their care.

People in Ny care only in the moment.
But they forget about you after the hug goodbye.

There is a boy that I see around.
I've met him twice before through a mutual acquaintance.
I never bothered on him, though I found him attractive.
But I feel as if he has noticed me.
And it has caused for me to notice him.
But my excitement is most likely more.
Because I am excited that I can be interested in someone.

I was interested in a girl for a moment.
But her mind is juvenile,
And I am not one to like a child.

Therapy is something of a whole other entry.
I was having a panic attack in class today.
But I swallowed it.

The teacher was pissed at me.
But she swallowed that once she saw my work.
And the way I looked her right in the eyes when she was bothered.
And how I didn't become a small child due to the anger.

I feel as if this is silly to say.
But I am impatient about this boy.
I would just like to kiss him.
And for the first time in a while.
Thinking about anything further hasn't frightened me.

I would hope that this happens.

I also anticipate Thanksgiving break because.
Then I can sleep with my friend.
And enjoy that.


I am not.
I don't like.
That Bryan is the last one I slept with.
I am not the last one of his.
And that's not really what takes hold of my disliking.
It is that Bryan isn't the one to  deserve to be the last one.
And I guess that isn't really it.
I would just like to have care for another at this point.
Maybe not grand emotions.
Exactly not grand emotions.
But I would like passion.





29.8.13

Also, 
For the past three days,
I have had a depression that simply takes me over. 
I am not sure why. 
Because everything is going very well. 
But I am simply a sad girl. 
Never tell people you have cigarettes. 

28.8.13

I am angry
And cynical
And I 
Am 
Not going
To put effort
Into any soul
That does not
Reciprocate 
For me 

27.8.13

I had the panic attack that I expected.
I was so tired all day.
Even though I went to the gym.
I was just so tired due to my mind.
It was eating me.
I am sad that no one loves me like I do.
No body new.
My Cali skat pack sure does, and I know that.
And Clara is the only friend that I made in Ny that has held true.
But it makes me sad that no one thinks I'm special.
I do not understand why people don't want to be friends with me.
I give them everything.
I give them gifts.
And I am deep with them.
And I am nurturing.
And I care about them.
And I think of them.
I throw parties.
And I always share my tequila.
But no one reciprocates.
No body cares for me the way that I care for them.
And that hurts.
And it makes me feel sad.
And it makes me feel unloved.
And I think that I am.


I wonder if they can see the degradation inside of me.
They can see that I'm used.
And dirty.
But that's not fair.
It's not fair because I didn't know what was happening when it happened.
And I haven't been dirty here.
Or in Santa Cruz.
But I bet that they can see it.
It makes me embarrassed.
And sad.

And I feel so out of control.
Because I can't cure myself.
Not this time.
It makes me feel out of control.

And so I am walking home from the L train.
And I can feel it.
I know it's coming.
I start to hyperventilate.
And this man says something to me, but I didn't really hear him.
And then he says you can at least say thank you.
And then I just started crying and crying.
I cried all the way home.
And this man told me I was beautiful.
And he realized I was crying and said don't cry, baby.
And I had to hold myself back from turning around and asking him for a hug.
And I cried and cried and cried all the way home.
I get home,
And I run into all my furniture on the way to my room.
And I slam my face into the pillow and scream my pain.
And I hyperventilate and hyperventilate.
And I scream my cries.
And I cry and cry and cry and cry.
And now I feel a little bit better.
And I am listening to Back to Black by Amy Winehouse.






25.8.13

I have been bulimic recently. 

23.8.13

Also, in a dream 
I was in a car
And the driver hit other cars six times 
MY DREAM HOLY SHIT MY DREAM
I am there at some apartment
And Rob was there.
And I am looking into the sky.
And I yell for everyone to look.
And it looked like the sun.
It was some huge planet or huge something.
So close to earth.
And it was volcanic looking
It was red hot, but you could see every detail.
And so it was red hot.
But was like lava, so covered in black dried spots.
Like a giraffe.
And so this planet.
The second I tell people to look.
It flies vigorously up and away.
And then all of a sudden.
We see it launch itself at the earth.
And we are all thrown down.
It was a planet one third the size of earth, I would say.
And we were all so freaked out.
And another one happened.
And we all ended up flying up into the air.
And soaring down slowly elsewhere.
I landed somewhere in Manhattan.
And I was with my friend, I forget who it was.
And I spend my whole time with this friend trying to get back.
But more of these kept crashing and crashing.
I thought it may be a meteor shower.
And the world was coming to an end, it was.
The meteors or what not must have been hitting another continent.
BEcause we were simply being shaken.
And some people were such fools to call cars to go home.
And some people were such fools to still try to make money off of this.
And the world was coming to an end.
And I thought to myself that I always knew I'd be there for the end of the world.

Also,
I have made myself vomit three times this month.
And what the fuck do I fucking think I'm doing.

I have also quit smoking weed this week.
And I don't think I'll be needing to throw up any more.
I'm a dumb one.
I'm a mouth that doesn't shut.
I tell people things of myself because I feel as if I am human, and we can all relate as humans.
But then I walk home and stare at the cement.
And I realize that we aren't all just souls inside of bodies.
We are bodies that contain souls,
But they also contain the media.
And blindness.
And judgement.
And all of these things that make us so normal inside.
That we can not relate to pain nor depth.
And this is not true with all.
But I cant keep assuming that everyone is just.
Available to feel me.
I told Rob over a bottle of gin.
I told him one quick sentence.
About the memories.
And he's nice and I don't think that he judges me for it.
But I am now judging myself.
Why does anyone need to know.
He knows that I am dirty now.
And.
I feel like I am a bit out of control sometimes.
And I blurt it out to people.
Because it's not something that I have taken care of.
But I'm trying to fucking hard to deal with this.
And I'm over all great and fine and happy in life.
And a lot of the time, I can think of these things without pain.
But never without filthiness.
I feel so disgusting about it.
And I shouldn't have told him how disgusting I am.
And it was right after I told him I'm considering hooking up with women.
And he must see that I am simply a madd girl who is having a hard time understanding how to cope with these things.
So I end up sloppy.
But he did tell me of his therapist.
And I'm in contact with her.
And I'm afraid to do this.
I got a panic attack when I remembered that I told Rob.
And then I tried to email her.
But I just continued my attack.

I finally did the next morning, 
And it's all being set up.
I am scared to talk about it.
Because I'm going to cry.
And I've cried about it twice.
And I am scared to cry of it.
Because that is so painful.
And I feel like Young Little.
And I feel six years old again.

I talked to both of my parents about this.
And my mother reacted very loving.
And she doesn't bother to know why.
She just suppourts it.
My father thinks that I am dumb and doing this for fun.
But I can not tell him why I need it.
But he should trust me.
He does not.
He will not pay for it.


And I am confused about this.
Because my parents have put me into counseling since the age of nine.
And sent me to New Leaf Academy, The Camp Recovery Center, Sutter Outpatient Clinic, Aspen Achievement Academy, and Island View.
All therapeutic institutions.
Most fucked me up far far far far fucking worse.
And I never wanted any of it.
But now that I want it, myself.
It is unnecessary.
I feel offended by my father.
And I feel like I will never have much depth with him.
And I wanted to cry.
But I was on the phone on St.Marks.
And Clara and Fluffy were inside with a pitcher of Sangria.
And I had to suck it up and socialize.
And maybe I'll cry when I see my therapist.
And I think that avoiding tears is going to bring me a lot of panic attacks.
But.
What else is new.
I've been making more art again.
And playing more music.
And printed some of my photography to paste up with my graf tag.
And I've been working hard on Articity.
And I start school on Monday, and I'm so fucking excited.
And.

I had a dream that Chaz kissed me.
It started with hanging out.
And I felt very tired.
And I wanted to nap, but
I didn't want to be rude.
And so I just turned it into a double nap.
But I played with his hair.
Because he got a haircut, and I think that it looks nice.
And I think that I just pushed the envelope.
Because I think that he's always been sweet on me.
And it turned into snuggling.
And then all of a sudden.
He kisses my forehead and cheeks.
And then my face.
But he mostly missed my lips.
And I just felt his scruff moving.
And then all of a sudden,
A sharp pain stops him,
And he looks at me in embarrassment. 
And runs away.
And I regretted that situation.
But I woke up.
And was so fucking happy it wasn't real.
I'm really surprised that I dreamt of anything sexual.
Because.
I have none of that inside of me.
And any time I think of anything sexual.
I just.
Retreat even further.


And so I have been thinking of sleeping with women.
To ease myself back in.
And women like me very much.
I think that will be nice and effective.