16.1.13

Also.
I had to stop myself from throwing up twice today.
Only because I already took my expensive vitamins.

But I really can't do that anymore.
Every time I do it.
No matter the distance in between.
My body feels the rott instantly.

It no longer takes weeks to murder me quick.

I may no longer resort to that.
So when I have these episodes of gluttony, I must suffer them.
And when I wake so nauseous,
I will remember self control.
I will remember that I am above my impulses.
Only if I allow myself to be.

And I also must remind myself.
That I will find my stomping ground here.
I may have taken over Santa Cruz.
But New York will take me a moment or two.
But I've got it.
As long as I've got my true self.


Skyped with Bry for hours this morning.
It was as if we were simply hanging out.
As if we woke up together.
I am the one that he texts as he wakes.
The one he thinks of.
I don't even have to mention the vise versa, do I?
I unpacked my pipes, found broken pieces.
But easily fixed, and I did so.
After my heart lurched out of my body,
And I sobbed violently for a moment.
And he's there watching me die.
Pleading me not to.
But as I sat there super gluing, I felt better.
We smoked a bowl together.
I left California weed in Christopher because I knew I'd love the surprise.
And the flavor, oh my!

As bed time arises, so do my thoughts of him.
As I lay down, I see he's texted to ask if I'm still up.
I am the one that he thinks of before bed.
And do I even have to tell you that it's vise versa?

Walter even skyped me.
Because he was on Valium.
I looked like an ugly wreck, and I hope that was good.
Bethany wouldn't have approved, he said.
Because she thinks I'm in love with him!!!!!
In love with him!!!
Who wrote poems about who?
He told me that it will be hard for him to sleep without his girl.
I am the one that he came to in loneliness.

Why do boys always put me in the middle of their relationships?
You're not important enough to me to destroy a relationship.
None of you.

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