Last night was only fun for him.
He is interested in her.

I will let go.

I don't have soul for these things, anyway.

I will find someone who finds me gold. 
Reciprocation will serve.

But the gold that is given to me.
It is not gold to me.


I took a $20 taxi from Manhattan to Brooklyn to see him.
At this warehouse party on McKibbin.
It was filled with groms.
And Jordan was acting like a grom.
He didn't even really try to have a conversation.
He just wanted me to dance on him.
And he was trying non stop to make out.
At the party!
I am not going to publicly make out.
Has he learned nothing from our encounters?
Sam told him that I have a crush on him.
And I don't appreciate that.
Because I had only a partial one.
I was still undecided.
But I think those words made him more aggressive.
I told him that I wouldn't kiss him there.
And he wouldn't give it.
He kept kissing all over my face, 
And I would move my lips away from his.
I finally let him kiss me in the elevator when we were alone.
Because I had been considering kissing him.
And he felt cuddly to touch.
But he is so agressive.
He walked me home because there was no subway going towards me.
And I invited him in.
He didn't really speak to Derek or Caitie.
He was simply awkward.
Started to make out with me on my bed.
And he keeps pushing to do more.
He wanted to give me head.
But I did not want him to do anything but kiss me and cuddle.
Because he hasn't respected me yet.
And he hasn't put in his time of knowing who I am.
Many many attempt of trying to take off my clothes, and I continue to stop him.
He won't listen to me.
And gets frustrated and blue balled.
He called me the devil woman.
It only made me smirk.
He decided to go home even though he didn't have work the next day.
He said that I could at least give him a back massage.
I did.
But as I've been thinking of it, what a spoiled fuck.
I owe him nothing.
I texted him asking if he got home safely.
He didn't respond.
And we haven't talked since.
That night has fully turned me off of him.
And that is why I don't let people get all of me.
Because they prove themselves poorly.

Oh man.
He is.
Really cool.

He is.
And I really.
Really like to talk to him.

He ended up not meeting us at the bar because it was raining.
And I understand that.
I was on ketamine, and the rain was really gnarly for me.
My feet were soaked.
And my paisley scarf didn't help much.
So me, Clarita, and her friend, India, who also knows him.
We all came to his house and slept over.
He offered ceenamon toothpicks!!!!
And We started to watch a horror movie, 
But it wouldn't load, 
And I am grateful.
Because I would have been squealing and grabbing people.
And making a fool of myself.
So we listen to some awesome classical music.
And then some moody vibey stuff.
The girls had taked xanax and fell asleep quick.
Insomnia seems to eat the both of us.
He and I are in the middle.
And he feels very good to lay against.
He he touched me only in the slightest.
Pet my ribs with my velvet dress.
And squeezed them.
He glided his hand up my boot a few times.
To slyly feel it without perving.
And he grabbed my hip bone.
But he was so kind about it.
He asked if it was okay.
I told him yes, but don't go too far.
He felt my stomach a few times.
And he rubbed my arm.
I had my back to him, but I was smiling.
We stayed up talking until ten am.
He told me all about graffiti.
I really want to go with him.
And I told him about boarding school.
And running away.
And he was very fascinated with it.
Said that it was giving him ideas.
And it was so nice to talk to someone about it.
And have them be interested rather than uncomfortable.
He said I don't have to talk about it if I don't want to.
But it's nice to talk about it.
Because it happened.
And I'm okay with it.
I told him about running away.
And he asked what we did there.
And I didn't tell him.
But I told him about Grace being kind of raped in the park.
And he asked me if that happened to me.
And I told him no.
Because it didn't happen to me at that point.
And I don't want to talk about that so quickly.
But it was nice of him to ask.
He asked so many questions about boarding school.
And I appreciated that.
We started to sleep.
And I was facing opposite of him.
And he told me that I could face towards him if I wanted to.
I did for a little bit.
I had my head in his arm.
And that felt so good.

I really appreciate his class and respect.
And it's so different from how Jordan acted.
I think that I may eventually like this kid if things continue.
I think that would be great.
I want to cuddle more.

So far as I can tell, Clara is his queen. 
It's okay. 


And I am now to sleep in his bed. 
And wake up in his bed. 
With Clara, my warrior queen. 

I will not give him much, it's true. 
But I would like. 
I would like this time. 
I am going to a bar. 
And staring at this boy. 

And I will swoon my magic. 


Met this boy. 
Who I have seen around. 
He looks like Tj, so I thought he was at first. 
Found myself staring at him. 
Wondering if he is my friend. 
And I realize that I'm staring!
And he notices. 
I see him at multiple Mystery Lights shows. 
But I don't bother on it. 

Clara and I come to the film department building for Sva today. 
To be extras in a movie. 
And he is there. 
He is the first person I am introduced to. 
His name is Jackson. 
And I don't give him much attention. 
I was for some reason nervous around him. 
I think because I felt like a weirdo for staring on accident. 

So we're extras on this set. 
And Clara had to sit with the main crew. 
And I have to sit with him by myself. 
And I decided welp, I'm going to talk to this kid. 
And he's very cute. 
Not usually my flavor. 
But, man, he's really cute. 
And so. 
We have to be talking in this scene. 
But silently. 
So we look at each other and say silent things. 
And he has very nice eyes to look at. 
And we had to do many many takes. 
I thought it was nice. 
We talked the whole time. 
And he hung out with us the whole time. 
Came out with us for a cigarette though he doesn't smoke. 
He actually doesn't do anything. 
Never smoked weed. 
I told him he should do psychedelics. 

And he's a weirdo! 
And I made the face. 
And said you look like a man. 
And they thought it was so funny. 
And it's nice to hang out with these beautiful people. 
And be weird and ugly and goofy with them. 
And make my weird sounds. 
And have them appreciated. 

I was taking to Clara as he was sitting down. 
He was laughing along with us. 
And at the end, he says that it was a solid conversation. 
And that he was eves dropping the whole time. 

He showed me his art which is reaaaaaaally cool. 
And he does graffiti. 
And I would like to join him in that. 

And I would like to hang out with him. 


I let Jordan kiss me. 
I'll tell you later. 


"Scuse me, circus coming through."
By saying that, girl, you're referring to yourself. 
So as you walk away and laugh, you're laughing at your own stupidity. 
Shall I be monochrome like you? 
Blend in with the society stew?
Shall I be monochrome like you?
The same old same, nothing new?

Don't you see the camera around my neck?
I may look like a circus, but ya lookin' at me, right?

Wouldn't have noticed you unless you opened your mouth. 

As I log in, I type foolswillbefools. 
And it's a perfect reminder as I write about you. 


I knew that I shouldn't make myself throw up.
To save my body for the times I need it.
And last night, I really felt it.
Golly, my insides are burned down.
And my teeth are so upset.
The way my insides felt scared me.
They reminded me of the time I was bedridden for a month.
And I was scared I would be bedridden after the occasion.
But I am just fine today.

But I really can't afford throw ups.
I ruined it.
I used them all up so quickly in this life.
I did myself wrong last night.
No hunger until I found it necessary.
I thought that I was as strong as I normally am.
But a bowl of soup didn't help me recoup.
I found myself drowning in my puke.
Spit sliming down my chin and into the toilet bowl.
Threw myself into a warm bath to attempt to let go.
Face dead and heavy sliding into the water to drown.
Every movement murdered my stomach up and down.
Laying there too long to last.
Two beautiful girls burst in loud and fast.
I did myself wrong last night.
But women gave me back my life.
Slowly and humble, I awaken with humour.
Ready, set, go,  walk to a party, peculiar.

As two boys leave, two men enter, both french.
One talked to me about my lips, my face curled with a stench.
He asks me if I like him talking to me like that, and I give him no.
He asks me why, I told him to let go.
I don't know you, don't speak to me like that.
I'm very stoned, and with only honesty, I can react.
They take us in their home.
A crazy coloured world.
But French people are quite rude.
Yet they offer all of their food.
Fed a table circled with kids.
The woman was speaking shit.
French secrets in front of my eyes.
I couldn't care about their happiness swarmed with flies.
Nice lips man talks about punching the bag.
It sounded nice, so I gave it a drag.
House owner starts condemning me for being a fool.
You could break your arm, girl, that sure ain't cool.
How dare you come into my house.
And touch as you please.
I'm so sorry, sir, 
I was only following your friend, stupidly.

And I attempt to swoon the woman.
And yes, I do.
And as I attempt, 
I swoon the house owner, too.

They get serious so suddenly.
And tell us never to bring drugs.
They ask us what we're on.
I'm the only one stoned, ya bug?


Valentines day was about my women.
And about how boring most men are.

It's not black and white.
It's just what's in my life right now.

Drunk and bored.
Talking to stewpid about weed and car crashes.

I want to talk about rock and roll and art.


I think that I have heart problems like my grandfather.

But I don't have palpitations anymore, at least.

Really not into the people in my life right now.
I wish that Misha would cuddle.
And we could lay in bed and smoke weed all day.

I feel very alone in this world.

This is nothing to do with Valentines.
I've never bothered about it.

It's another one of those wake ups.
Where there's no reason to wake up.


Tarot set me straight.
Told me what I knew.
And that it was right.
I can't read myself very well right now.
So I'm taking things slow.

This boy, Jordan.
I think about him often.

And I think about Bryce.
And am excited for his visit.

And I always think about Bry.

Joe/Daisy keeps talking to me.
Chels left him.
Because he's doing heroin after rehab.
He's lying to me telling me that he's clean.
He's going to come to Ny in a little.
And I feel as if it is impulsive.
But I also think that a new place will be good for a new life.
Because I've done it twice.
But I'm very hesitant about him talking to me.
But I think he's been talking to everyone.
He asked to crash at my place for a little.
And I will certainly let him.
But I really want no funny stuffs.
Chels has really been hurting through all of this.
And I just want her to feel better.
I will help Joe because I love him.
And I love Chels.
And his happiness also brings her some happiness.
But Joe can not drag me down like before.

I think about Jordan often.

I've been in this rut.
Since the last weeks I was in California.
A big old glob of fat rut.
And I'm slowly getting myself out.
I haven't felt like too much of a groovy thang.
Yes, everyone is still attracted to me and such. 
I dress this sloppy body well.
But for myself,
I am so unsatisfied.
I hate waking up with it.
And showering the thing.
Getting it dressed is such a depression.
I look at photos of Tha Claud Haus dayz.
And i was such a queen, that body.
It ruled, and it stomped.
And here I am only stomping with my soul.
I would like both.
I would like the full stompage.
I will gain it once again.
The pills from China have been taking quite so long.
I want them.
I have some left.
But I don't want to use them without back ups.

Jenna has told Cay and Min.
That Derek has spoken of hooking up with me.
Past the other time before we really met.
Min said that he hasn't really had platonic relationships with girls.
But he's for sure in one with me.
We will be room mates in two days.
And that constitues friendship.
He is also not the boy I am looking for.
He is so fancy looking.
And I talk much more than he does.

As I'm growing older.
Boys are growing easier.
It makes it so that I do not want them.
I just have this thing inside of me.
That dreams of them as I sit on the subway.
When I'm inebriated, I grab them in my mind.
Shove them against walls.
Rip their clothes.
But in person, I find my brain to also be present.
And it won't allow such things.
I would like to do a few things with Jordan.
But I can mostly imagine snuggling with him.
That would be a good place to start if he allows me to.
He's very distant ever since I pushed him against the wall.
Avoiding his kiss.
And I felt the craving of it, too.
But I can't listen to my body, it's impulsive.


I've got ya golden touch.
That moves so slow so much.
The finger tips are well equipped.
For the reason why you've been the strength so quick.

Ya move my move.
They say I starve myself because I miss ya, too.
My best friend, my Toot.
I'm seeing insane, but always have thoughts of you.

Feel power.
Stand on my tower.
As I become the queen, 
I still pine for my hour.

Realizing my distant future.
Creates a long life lived.
But if we never collide again like we did.
You're still the best of hands to hold through the wide adventure hidden.

Must leave this  place.
You obvious half brain.
Eliza has been annoying me.
She gets pompous about experiences that she's had because it's her only thing.
When she has the slightest knowledge about things, she rides it hard.
I hear her repeat knowledge that I've told her as if it is her own.
She's even repeated jokes I've said.
I said them, and no one heard.
She repeats it shortly after, and they laugh.
Last night, she was so eggy and bitchy.
Wee waw, I payed $20 for this.
I've been to a million of these
Oh yeah, why didn't you say that when you read the email.
Why don't you just explore with us and find something good.
And shut your mouth.
She knocked my pipe out of my hands, and he broke.
And her bitchiness on top of that just kind of made her not worth it.
Until we finally found and actually good band.
And the whiny mouth started to smile.
We wake up in the afternoon, 
and she locks herself in the room with Caylah.
Okay, welp.
Just leave Clara by herself in the living room, yeah.
Now lock yourself in your room, yeah.

Women are really really annoying when you're around them for a long time.
I want to move into my new apartment.
And I want to do what I want.

I hung out with Jordan a little bit.
And I feel like I have a crush on him.
But I'm not fully into it.
And I'm not going to let anything happen.