13.2.13

Tarot set me straight.
Told me what I knew.
And that it was right.
I can't read myself very well right now.
So I'm taking things slow.

This boy, Jordan.
I think about him often.

And I think about Bryce.
And am excited for his visit.

And I always think about Bry.

Joe/Daisy keeps talking to me.
Chels left him.
Because he's doing heroin after rehab.
He's lying to me telling me that he's clean.
He's going to come to Ny in a little.
And I feel as if it is impulsive.
But I also think that a new place will be good for a new life.
Because I've done it twice.
But I'm very hesitant about him talking to me.
But I think he's been talking to everyone.
He asked to crash at my place for a little.
And I will certainly let him.
But I really want no funny stuffs.
Chels has really been hurting through all of this.
And I just want her to feel better.
I will help Joe because I love him.
And I love Chels.
And his happiness also brings her some happiness.
But Joe can not drag me down like before.

I think about Jordan often.









I've been in this rut.
Since the last weeks I was in California.
A big old glob of fat rut.
And I'm slowly getting myself out.
I haven't felt like too much of a groovy thang.
Yes, everyone is still attracted to me and such. 
I dress this sloppy body well.
But for myself,
I am so unsatisfied.
I hate waking up with it.
And showering the thing.
Getting it dressed is such a depression.
I look at photos of Tha Claud Haus dayz.
And i was such a queen, that body.
It ruled, and it stomped.
And here I am only stomping with my soul.
I would like both.
I would like the full stompage.
I will gain it once again.
The pills from China have been taking quite so long.
I want them.
I have some left.
But I don't want to use them without back ups.


Jenna has told Cay and Min.
That Derek has spoken of hooking up with me.
Past the other time before we really met.
Min said that he hasn't really had platonic relationships with girls.
But he's for sure in one with me.
We will be room mates in two days.
And that constitues friendship.
He is also not the boy I am looking for.
He is so fancy looking.
And I talk much more than he does.

As I'm growing older.
Boys are growing easier.
It makes it so that I do not want them.
I just have this thing inside of me.
That dreams of them as I sit on the subway.
When I'm inebriated, I grab them in my mind.
Shove them against walls.
Rip their clothes.
But in person, I find my brain to also be present.
And it won't allow such things.
I would like to do a few things with Jordan.
But I can mostly imagine snuggling with him.
That would be a good place to start if he allows me to.
He's very distant ever since I pushed him against the wall.
Avoiding his kiss.
And I felt the craving of it, too.
But I can't listen to my body, it's impulsive.

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