31.3.13

So yesterday I was invited to a barbecue.
And they told me to bring girls.
I would have loved to hook them up.
But my girls weren't available.
But I was dere.
And I met them up on Kevin's roof.
And at first, I found these boys to be plain.
But I'm starting to find them very funny.
Johnny and Rob are really good freestylers.
And it makes me want to get back into it.
And Drew is very polite and down to earth.
Jackson is awkward, and I don't really talk to him.
He literally just sat on the bed like a boring sober wonk.
And Rob and I started wrestling.
But he like.
Started to really wrestle me.
He put me in a corner.
And he choked me.
And it made me think about a lot of stuff.
I wasn't strong enough to beat him.
Though when I put my foot to his stomach, 
He would then back up.
But I found myself thinking about a lot of things.
I thought about survival and if I were to ever find myself in a rape situation.
And it made me think about Bryan and him choking me.
And it made me think about when my mother choked me.
And it made me think about the shadows.
And when they raped me.
And trying to push them off.
But they would quickly come back.
And come back harder.
And that hurt.

But we wrestled all in fun.
I felt weird because everyone was watching.
And I could tell it made them feel uncomfortable.
I got into this animalistic mode.
My blood boiled Russian.
And I wanted to defeat him.
He pulled me hair.

It showed to me a side of him.
And.
There are certain guys who I always tend to end up wrestling with.
And I feel like they kind of like to.
Fight with chicks.
And it shows me.
That if I were to ever be in a relationship with them.
Things would certainly get violent.
Because I destroy when I'm made a fool of.
And I know that they're the type to hit me back.
Hit me back much harder.



So we take a subway into the city.
They talk me into joining.
But before that.
Me and Drew somehow find ourselves alone in Kevin's house.
There were a lot of situations last night.
Where Drew and I were alone.
And I appreciate him not trying to hook up with me.
I have no soul.
I am an empty thing to kiss.
But I spent most of my time with Drew.
We climbed down to the fire escape from the roof.
And it was really cool.
To be on this rusty degrading thing.
Overlooking all of these backyards.
And it just looked like Brooklyn, man.
And we chatted about how lonely it is to be surrounded by mindless people.
The sheep brains.
And he really wants tot hang out.
He mentioned it many times.
Smoke and share our work with each other.
Which I think would be great.
I love to show my work.
Because it re-inspires me.
And it's something I'm proud of.
He also shoots on film wich is really cool.

We go to the city.
And I want to buy myself some nuts.
But ohp, my wallet is gone.
I'm slowly fixing that.
But damn, man.
i had a lot of cash.
And Stoney.
And my id......
So that's super chappy.
But Drew was really nice and bought me the nuts.
And he also bought me a subway ticket.
And smoked me out.
And let me sleep over.
And we had a good time talking.
And sharing music.
And he didn't try to hook up with me.
But he did put his leg over me while we slept.
But that was only nice.

We woke up a few hours later.
kevin picked us up in his rental van.
And we all go out to breakfast.
And they buy me coffee and fruit.
And I felt dumb.
And it's a human thing to lose your wallet.
But I am uncomfortable when people pay for me.
Especially if I don't know them that well.
But they did.
And I will get them back.
And smoke them out fat.

It was really nice to hang out with dewds.

30.3.13

I am only interested in people because I am inpatient.
But the truth is.
That if I want to respect myself, 
I must not give anyone anything of myself.
Unless.
I get that feeling where I just know.

I had a different vision when I met Bryan.
And I shouldn't have slept with him so early.
But he was delicious, 
And it worked out well in the end.

But there is no one here yet.
And even if there was so, I feel nothing.

I am confused by this soullessness.
But I also like it because I'm protecting myself.
And also.
You gain power by witholding pleasure from people.
Making them crave it.
Swooning them sweetly.
And making them grind in the night.
Reaching out for you.
But all you do is look down and chuckle.

I will gain respect with the love I have for human beings.
And the lack of vulnerability I have to give to them.
Once I gain respect, I may make a choice.
Based on others' reactions.

But I am so inpatient.
And it's really not something that I should have in my life right now.
A relationship will hold me down.
But maybe I could have some form of adventure buddy.
That I could kiss on top of the boats near the graveyard.
Half eaten by time and disregard. 

Someone to smoke a ton of weed with.
And laugh like sloths.
Watch Beavis and Butthead.

All of this makes me wish I could run back to Bryan.
For a few days.
Come back here and continue.
I miss him.
And these interactions with people only makes me realize how great he is.
I try to remind myself that.
There were abusive times.
Where I had a black eye.
But that was an accident.
Where my head was split open on the bed.
And the blood puddled on my sheets.
And speckled on my walls.
I sat in the bathtub crying and crying.
As he tried to clean off my head.
And I kept telling him not to take me to the hospital.
And he kept saying that he's going to help me fix my head.
But we're still broken up.
And I went to class with a dread of bloodied hair .
And blood on my neck.
And all that was in my chest ripped apart.

Thinking of that even hurts.
And the time when.
He was so drunk.
And just switched.
Everyone had left.
And we had a great night.
But afterwards, he switched.
And he hit my head over and over.
As he held it with his other hand.
And he choked my neck.
Until my brain buzzed.
And I saw white behind my eyes.
And my mind started to fade.
He ran out the window.
And I cried and cried.
And I called Robo, 
And he said that I could stay in the guest bedroom.
And I couldn't find my car keys.
So I walk across the street to the parking lot.
And my car was gone.
He had stole it.
And I was so afraid because he was so drunk.
That my car would be wrecked.
And his brains would be on the windshield.
So Robo came and picked me up.
And gave me a great hug.
As I soaked his shirt.
We stopped by his mother's house to see if he was there.
And we stopped by T-Bone's.
And he was there.
I climb through their backyard.
And I snuck in.
I found Bryan in bed with T-Bone.
I grabbed the keys, and I met Robo back at his house.
We had tea.
And I went to bed, hugging Cisco.
We all met up for breakfast.
Bryan didn't remember a thing.
And I told him that I felt weird around him.
And we were with all of our friends.
And he apologized.
And I accepted it.
And we continued.





And the times when I just wanted to groove together.
I'll always remember him asking me.
"You really thought you were going to get it tonight?"


And I'll never forget the time when I tried on my mother's dress.
And he told me that I needed to "suck it in"
"suck it in"
"suck it in"
"suck it in"
I cried for so long.
I cried like a child.



These are only a small amount of the things that I don't want to experience again.
So I may look back on the past fondly.
But I mustn't ever swim back.
Even in my mind. 
















29.3.13

I got into Pratt yesterday.

28.3.13

I feel.
Like I got a stomp as I walk.
A beep to tha bop.

25.3.13

I am observing a slow gain of respect towards me.

Told you, all of you.

Slobbering puppy dogs that take the first thrown treat.














I would like interaction soon.
Hair to touch.
I also want great platonicism.
And with both cravings, I must balance reality.
And avoid trying to achieve all at once.

I'm inpatient here.
I'm getting bored.

I want friends.
To smoke with.
And adventure with.
I have millions of adventures in my head.
I just want.

A person who makes me hyper enough to pursue them.
And that could be a friend.
Or it may be one who's mane I want to grab.




Starving isn't in it's most prime right now.
My body is fighting me.
But I'm fighting it back.

My body is unhealthy.
I am deteriorating too young.

I got a gym membership.
So much self control, I'm $0uL L€$$.

23.3.13

How inappropriate you have acted towards me.
A four year relationship, and you haven't gained respect?
And you choose me to become a horrible ally?

Nopez

20.3.13

Health, where art thou?
I find myself confused by so.

Also.

I am
The only one who finds myself attractive in New York City.








They like tha bubbly brains out here.



Beauty isn't enough.
You mustn't have morals.
You mustn't make one work to earn a thing from thyself.

18.3.13

A bit of control has been gained.
I have lost myself.

In this glob.

Stop eating.

13.3.13

I also think that people are becoming aware that I starve sometimes.

Liza knows, but doesn't bother on it.
Because it's fine.

There are other girls I can't trust.
Clara.
And Sam.

If they start to see.
They will babble and babble to people about it.

They are gossiping women.
And I have only been proven against sharing veracity with those two.

They don't have my back.
They won't protect my image.
They will gossip.
They will erode.
I just have this impulse.
To touch skin.

And it makes me miss the best skin.


But I have written two songs this week.

10.3.13

Who am I to dream of sacred things.
I remember you, only the pleasantries.
I could have loved you all eternity.
And I reach across the country.

But I'll see you on the computer screen.
I can't lay myself across your chest, you see.
I miss the adventures of Booty and MeeMee.
But I'll find adventures on this side of the country.

I'll buy things on my credit card.
To build up points for miles so far.
I'd fly to you in a floating car.
Across the country, a frozen heart.

9.3.13

I am scared of food.
I am scared of booze.



I am so confused.
I don't understand my body.

I and slowly understanding my mind, though.
I am inpatient for all things.

What is wrong with me.
Getting so sick.
I fed myself well enough.
Why am I deteriorating.
Did I ruin my body so quickly.
Two years of eating disorder destruction.
And it's fucked forever?

I'm so confused.
I'm scared of food.
And I am scared of booze.

3.3.13

So.
He likes Clara.
Sam told me.
And Clara likes him.
Sam told me.
I read the conversation.
She told him that I was into him.
She sold me out.
He didn't need to know.
But she told me that she wasn't down for him.
However, they are out to dinner.
And I feel this is showing me that I can't trust this girl as much as I thought.
At least when it comes to guys....
Or maybe honesty.
She is good for a good time.

I should be spending more time with Min.
She's the only girl who has fully proven herself to me.

Jordan is trying at me since I shown loss of interest.

And I met this great boy, Chaz, who I want to be best friends with.
His friend tried to grind in bed with me.
I just offered a place to sleep because he was too long for the couch.

I confronted Jackson and made him feel like a shit.

My lips are swollen from mangos.
 

I'm becoming inpatient here.
I feel bored.
I feel like.
I'm receiving attention from people who aren't as great as I am.
And the people who are so.
Want the people who aren't as great as they are.

 I would like someone who is even greater than I am.
This is going to take so long.
But it's not necessarily about finding them, but stumbling upon.

I feel betrayed by Clara.

I think that I am.

I will keep my mouth shut.
But I will not trust her.