30.3.13

I am only interested in people because I am inpatient.
But the truth is.
That if I want to respect myself, 
I must not give anyone anything of myself.
Unless.
I get that feeling where I just know.

I had a different vision when I met Bryan.
And I shouldn't have slept with him so early.
But he was delicious, 
And it worked out well in the end.

But there is no one here yet.
And even if there was so, I feel nothing.

I am confused by this soullessness.
But I also like it because I'm protecting myself.
And also.
You gain power by witholding pleasure from people.
Making them crave it.
Swooning them sweetly.
And making them grind in the night.
Reaching out for you.
But all you do is look down and chuckle.

I will gain respect with the love I have for human beings.
And the lack of vulnerability I have to give to them.
Once I gain respect, I may make a choice.
Based on others' reactions.

But I am so inpatient.
And it's really not something that I should have in my life right now.
A relationship will hold me down.
But maybe I could have some form of adventure buddy.
That I could kiss on top of the boats near the graveyard.
Half eaten by time and disregard. 

Someone to smoke a ton of weed with.
And laugh like sloths.
Watch Beavis and Butthead.

All of this makes me wish I could run back to Bryan.
For a few days.
Come back here and continue.
I miss him.
And these interactions with people only makes me realize how great he is.
I try to remind myself that.
There were abusive times.
Where I had a black eye.
But that was an accident.
Where my head was split open on the bed.
And the blood puddled on my sheets.
And speckled on my walls.
I sat in the bathtub crying and crying.
As he tried to clean off my head.
And I kept telling him not to take me to the hospital.
And he kept saying that he's going to help me fix my head.
But we're still broken up.
And I went to class with a dread of bloodied hair .
And blood on my neck.
And all that was in my chest ripped apart.

Thinking of that even hurts.
And the time when.
He was so drunk.
And just switched.
Everyone had left.
And we had a great night.
But afterwards, he switched.
And he hit my head over and over.
As he held it with his other hand.
And he choked my neck.
Until my brain buzzed.
And I saw white behind my eyes.
And my mind started to fade.
He ran out the window.
And I cried and cried.
And I called Robo, 
And he said that I could stay in the guest bedroom.
And I couldn't find my car keys.
So I walk across the street to the parking lot.
And my car was gone.
He had stole it.
And I was so afraid because he was so drunk.
That my car would be wrecked.
And his brains would be on the windshield.
So Robo came and picked me up.
And gave me a great hug.
As I soaked his shirt.
We stopped by his mother's house to see if he was there.
And we stopped by T-Bone's.
And he was there.
I climb through their backyard.
And I snuck in.
I found Bryan in bed with T-Bone.
I grabbed the keys, and I met Robo back at his house.
We had tea.
And I went to bed, hugging Cisco.
We all met up for breakfast.
Bryan didn't remember a thing.
And I told him that I felt weird around him.
And we were with all of our friends.
And he apologized.
And I accepted it.
And we continued.





And the times when I just wanted to groove together.
I'll always remember him asking me.
"You really thought you were going to get it tonight?"


And I'll never forget the time when I tried on my mother's dress.
And he told me that I needed to "suck it in"
"suck it in"
"suck it in"
"suck it in"
I cried for so long.
I cried like a child.



These are only a small amount of the things that I don't want to experience again.
So I may look back on the past fondly.
But I mustn't ever swim back.
Even in my mind. 
















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