So yesterday I was invited to a barbecue.
And they told me to bring girls.
I would have loved to hook them up.
But my girls weren't available.
But I was dere.
And I met them up on Kevin's roof.
And at first, I found these boys to be plain.
But I'm starting to find them very funny.
Johnny and Rob are really good freestylers.
And it makes me want to get back into it.
And Drew is very polite and down to earth.
Jackson is awkward, and I don't really talk to him.
He literally just sat on the bed like a boring sober wonk.
And Rob and I started wrestling.
But he like.
Started to really wrestle me.
He put me in a corner.
And he choked me.
And it made me think about a lot of stuff.
I wasn't strong enough to beat him.
Though when I put my foot to his stomach, 
He would then back up.
But I found myself thinking about a lot of things.
I thought about survival and if I were to ever find myself in a rape situation.
And it made me think about Bryan and him choking me.
And it made me think about when my mother choked me.
And it made me think about the shadows.
And when they raped me.
And trying to push them off.
But they would quickly come back.
And come back harder.
And that hurt.

But we wrestled all in fun.
I felt weird because everyone was watching.
And I could tell it made them feel uncomfortable.
I got into this animalistic mode.
My blood boiled Russian.
And I wanted to defeat him.
He pulled me hair.

It showed to me a side of him.
There are certain guys who I always tend to end up wrestling with.
And I feel like they kind of like to.
Fight with chicks.
And it shows me.
That if I were to ever be in a relationship with them.
Things would certainly get violent.
Because I destroy when I'm made a fool of.
And I know that they're the type to hit me back.
Hit me back much harder.

So we take a subway into the city.
They talk me into joining.
But before that.
Me and Drew somehow find ourselves alone in Kevin's house.
There were a lot of situations last night.
Where Drew and I were alone.
And I appreciate him not trying to hook up with me.
I have no soul.
I am an empty thing to kiss.
But I spent most of my time with Drew.
We climbed down to the fire escape from the roof.
And it was really cool.
To be on this rusty degrading thing.
Overlooking all of these backyards.
And it just looked like Brooklyn, man.
And we chatted about how lonely it is to be surrounded by mindless people.
The sheep brains.
And he really wants tot hang out.
He mentioned it many times.
Smoke and share our work with each other.
Which I think would be great.
I love to show my work.
Because it re-inspires me.
And it's something I'm proud of.
He also shoots on film wich is really cool.

We go to the city.
And I want to buy myself some nuts.
But ohp, my wallet is gone.
I'm slowly fixing that.
But damn, man.
i had a lot of cash.
And Stoney.
And my id......
So that's super chappy.
But Drew was really nice and bought me the nuts.
And he also bought me a subway ticket.
And smoked me out.
And let me sleep over.
And we had a good time talking.
And sharing music.
And he didn't try to hook up with me.
But he did put his leg over me while we slept.
But that was only nice.

We woke up a few hours later.
kevin picked us up in his rental van.
And we all go out to breakfast.
And they buy me coffee and fruit.
And I felt dumb.
And it's a human thing to lose your wallet.
But I am uncomfortable when people pay for me.
Especially if I don't know them that well.
But they did.
And I will get them back.
And smoke them out fat.

It was really nice to hang out with dewds.

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