30.4.13

Wake up.
Dead in the mind.
A visual intwine.
With lucid liquid.
It's always pushin'.
A stomach that rumbles from the night before.
The nauseous pain.
Of slothy bores.
But I must control more.
To gain something that's sure.
To keep my beat steady.
To keep from my mind so heavy.

I would like to bury into you.
That I am the one who you whisper to
But the face that you see is a shadow of black.
You don't understand that I hold your tactics
In my brain, 
I see ya say.
I can see your gears move a loove
Before you even sway.

So to try and play some kind of ploy like you busy.
Let me give it to ya straight, I'm already dizzy.
Don't want to spin with your crazy.
I know what this is, 
And I tell ya, I'm thuh lady.
I got the stomp that makes you want.
Therefore, you only avoid the taunt.
Afraid of losing control of your weakened soul.
Don't worry, I'm about as black as we go.

Night time is when I'm the slime vine.
I slither throughout.
And I eat my own mind.
I break my own rules.
And I break myself, too.
Sitting all alone.
In this gypsy room.
But self preservation is something that requires concentration.
I'll sing that every minute to myself.
Until I find no reservation.
As I look at you as I speak.
I will be the one who never bleeds.
Got nothing deep inside for you to receive.
But always something up my sleeve.
I think that you look at me so because you feel as if it's what you need.
And you therefore recede.
Because you on your knees.
For one that sees.
But does not join the equality.
Because I stand above.
And I run the shove.
I'm never a silent dove.
But through the night, the slug.

29.4.13

I feel as if I'd open this up.
And blast off with a lot of things to say.


Eliza got into Pratt!
With a $12,000 scholarship just like me.
And I can tell there's something inside of her that is just so calmed and satisfied.

We're hanging outside.
And we stare at the stairwell.
"Let's go up."
We're already half way up.
The roof was amazing.
Amazing.
We gonna tagz it up.


And we went up there with Ben.
And smoked a joint together.
The three of us make me so happy.



We got in, man.
We're going to the other orientation together.
We're having classes together.
I.
Me and Minn, dude.
Do you understand how we're going to explode.
Art.
Bathing in it, bathing.
She's me soulmate.
What we can do together is more voodoo than anything I've brought to Ny so far.

28.4.13

I'm keeping low for my health a few days.
I am so disappointed in myself.
It's okay, though.

Drew invited me to this thing on Saturday.
But he did not follow through with that.
It's okay, though.

Rob hit me up yesterday to get artsy and weird.
Which I really appreciated.
See, someone's tryin' ta hang with mez.

Ya know, man.
It's hard to balance out being good in every place.
Good in physical things.
Feeding yourself.
Always having supplies such as hygiene.
Keeping your house clean.
Paying bills.
Not breaking your shit.
Having to replace shit.
Going to wrong way.
Taking the wrong train.
Missing your stop.
Your cat not cuddling with you enough.

And then there's brainy brain.
Like making sure you're always in tune and aware of yourself.
And asking and truly answering questions.
And aslo there's brainy stuff like hooking up with folks.
Is that whachya want.
And how much you gonna flaunt.
And even who the fuck you wants like dat.
Man, it's confusing when you make a friend.
You're like.
Do I want to eventually hook up with you?
And you have to be so patient to gain respect.
I probably hooked up with.
Well I know that I hooked up with Drew too early.
I dunno da dude.
But it's been good so far.

Man, I wonder if it's really just this starvy freak out.
Or if I'm just really vibin' on myself.
Chillin' out hard.
I'm slothin' deep.
It seems fine with me.

27.4.13

Also, I hung out with Rob again.
And I started freestyling.
We had the best time together.
He is literally is tha male version of myself.
I feel absolutely comfortable with him.
We vibe straight as humans.
And he's a kid I can talk to without worrying about the spit I speak.
And he's just as hyper as I am.
So he talks just as much as I do.
As quickly and enthusiastically.
He's as alive as I am.
I love hanging out with him.
And I want to be best friends in dis big ol' city.
I can't believe that I've been bulimic twice in the past week.
It made my stomach feel horrible and swollen this time.
And I awake feeling dried out today.
I'm disappointed in myself because I'm already unhealthy.
And I just did it out of anxiety over gaining weight.
And to be real honest, man.
I have been like this because I'm focusing on boys.
I want to be so physically appealing that I have control over them.
I want them to be on their knees for me.
And I will be standing above them.
 
I was on my knees for Bry.
For two years.
And he was never on his knees.
My knees got dirt caked into them.
Big ol' rocks that I sat on.
They're ingrained into my skin now.
And all the blood that sat under my skin.
The bruises that stained my face.
And the blood that drained from the back of my head when.
He pushed me, and I hit the bed.
It's all there in my knees for him.
I was a soul slave.
As long as I received a kiss goodnight.
I thought I got what I deserved.

It's funny because that hatred.
It was like.
He became me.
It was Jo he hated so much.
And he'd try to beat her out of me.
But I sat there.
And I stared at what I loved.
And it transformed into me.
Beating myself again.
You know, 
I've given myself more black eyes than Bryan.

But I really really love myself.
And they need to be on their knees.
And maybe when they are on their knees.
I can get on mine, too.
And we'll just be at eye level together.
And all I'm going to do is sing them sweet songs.
And pet them sweetly.
And I'm going to make sure that I receive the same.


But I really need to only make decisions that are good for myself.
And I know that bulimia is a death mongrel.
I can't throw up even when I actually need to.
Without feeling like my insides are dying dying dead.
Take care of yourself, Young Little.
New York won't do it for you.

26.4.13

Oh god since when.
Have I regained the bile grin.

25.4.13

Since when was my stomach so sensitive again.

Flashback to bedridden.

23.4.13

And then I eat.




And then I'm a glob.
Yesterday, I ate nothing.

But I didn't mean to.

I had no hunger yesterday.

I drank wine and tequila on my empty self.
And felt fine.





I like grooving my body with another's when I'm empty.
Also, Drew is delicious to hook up with.




My lucid dreams of last night.
I'm at Drew's, and his place has two windows to the street.
And these blonde girls keep coming over.
And each one is so thin.
With thin sagging skin over their bones.
And every single one of them is anorexic.
And everyone stares at them as if they're normal and beautiful.
And they walk with a stomp like they know they are.
And I couldn't help but stare at the oddity.
And I wondered if they all starved together as a team.
And sometimes I'd look at them, and they looked healthy.
And sometimes I could see their skin ripple on their bones.
And they left.
And there's this gun shot and scream out the window.
And the light outside is yellow from the street lights.
And this man.
Just appears at the window screaming.
And I swore he was to rob and murder us.
But it was his friend messing with us.
And I was just frozen in that fear.


And the one that happened right before I woke.
Me, Clara, Clara's lady friends, and Drew.
Walk into this club.
Blasting dubstep.
And there's a lit up bar to the left.
With tables further up and lounge shpots.
And on the right is another loungy area.
In the middle is this huuuuuuuuge glass thang.
With tons of tropical animals inside.
And they have to listen to this music 24/7.
And I saw this beautiful bird.
All the animals had huge pupils.
As if the music had taken over them.
And this bird with huge eyes.
It's eyes slowly rolled into the back of it's head.
Like its brain was melting from the environment.
And I started crying.
Seeing these poor babez with no control over their lives.
And on the right side where the lounge is.
All of these baby bunnies are running around.
And as I bend down to try to pet one,
i see this flattened bunny.
Sadly dragging itself around.
Its back legs broken.
And I just kept crying and crying.
It was so morbid to me.
And I ran out of that place.
I couldn't see anymore of that.

21.4.13

I like skin too much.


I liked being numb to the touch.

19.4.13

Been freestyling.




I feel as if I post on here more often when I have more thoughts in my head and less people to express them to.

I don't have the same amount of deep friendships as I had at home.

And so I therefore have less people to babble my babbz to.
And that's okay, it is.
I'll just babble on here until then.

Sometimes the things I think of are just too odd.
Sometimes too morbid.
Fuck, I'm drinking and smoking a lot, and I haven't eaten.
There's something that happens.
I forget about eating for a few weeks.
But then I always want to eat for a few weeks.

And I know that I think about these things a lot.
But I feel like this is also physical.

I also feel like it is forever.
Also.
I don't know why.
But I feel like crying for the past four mornings I've awoken.

But I don't know why.
I feel as if my lucid dreams eat me alive sometimes.

They're almost never fully lucid to the point of full control and awareness.

It's as if I'm in a video game.
I get plopped into this world.
With it's rules and shit already panned and happening.
And then I have to lucidity to run around in it.
And control myself in the situation.
But I can't control the situation.
And my situations have been sad.
And the feeling of loneliness is extremely present.

Every morning I wake is another day to make plans.
I wish to have plans made.
School to go to.
I slept with Gumby in my arms alllll night, heheh.

I don't think that I mentioned that Drew and I have hooked up.
It was extremely nice.
He's a cute cuddlemon.
He kisses very sweetly.

Though I physically want him.
And mentally for the most part.
Thinking about sex only makes me want it less still.
I don't want anyone to have sex with me.
And I don't want to have sex with anyone.


Though I may feel as if I have this attraction and interest in Drew.
I still have my soullessness.


Maybe it's just the hardened part of myself.
Maybe you never love so openly like your first love.
Because you don't have those calluses on there.
Only sweet softness.
Maybe I will always have this soullessness.
It may not be as hard as it is now.

It makes me sad to think of that.
It makes me feel older.
But at the same time,
It makes me feels safe.
Powerful.
And in control.

18.4.13

Reading old posts.

Bryan.




I will now demand respect.
Fuck the negative from the experience of him.


There's this certain feeling that you get on your lips.
When you've been kissing another's.

16.4.13



I had the most confusing of nights home.
I made so many mistakes
Waited for the bus when it doesn't come after 12.
But outside of it was the lucky brand store, and they were throwing away their huge polyester poster ads.
Soz I took 'em.
Went to the subway, missed the train.
Missed my transferring train.
Got on the wrong direction, anyway.
Missed duh train.
This man scared me when I was doodling on the walls.
But he gave me $10 for having rips in my tights.
I get on the subway, and when I get to the front of my house.
I see this huge black box.
I take it in the noisiest way possible that you could at 3 am.
And it's this old video equipment carrying box.
And it has a name and location on it's tag.
And I just started making art with these posters.
And gained pounds and pounds on super glue on my fingers.
And I smoke my spliff.
And I groove to my jamz.
And I go to sleep at 5:30.
And I dreamt that my little brother had died.
And when it happened, it didn't hit me.
Because I was soul less and working all the time.
But then one day on my dream.
It hit me, and it hurt so bad.
I ran around screaming my tears at the top of my lungs.
And everyone was so put off by me.
No one would help me or talk to me about it.
Not even my parents.
And it was the loneliest thing ever.
I was only by myself on this planet.
And he was gone.
And I couldn't accept that.
And I kept thinking we might meet on the other side.
But I realized that I don't necessarily believe that.
And I was alone screaming and crying.
And I woke up alone screaming and crying.
And I just can't control myself and these tears.
And I feel extremely alone.

15.4.13

God, that made me cry instantly.



I never cry.
But here I am.
Panic attacks.
And memories.




Yesterday's panic attack was horrible in the sense that it didn't end.
I went into Blake and Jenna's bathroom.
And I sat on the toilet and hugged by knees.
And it didn't start with hyperventilating like normal.
I just started bawling and bawling.
Crying and crying.
For literally no reason.
Just freaking out.
I felt scared for my life.
But there's nothing to be scared for.
I start hyperventilating.
And it feels like my brain is used to it.
And it gets the dizz so quickly.
My brain starts fading away with my vision.
And I'm just so uncomfortable.
I want the panic attack to simply end.
So I try to take deep breaths.
And I eventually calm myself.
Dy my tears and go out.
Drag a spliff make some jokes.
But I find myself standing by the window.
With my face pressed against the screen.
Almost grasping for air.
I still felt like I couldn't breathe.
And though I calmed myself down.
I only calmed the panic attack.
It left me exhausted.
But it was continuing within me.
This constant feeling of gnarly anxiety.
Just a baseline panic attack that swims with me as I walk around.
I busted through it.
I wasn't going to go and finish it in the bathroom.
I asked Eliza for a hug and told her that I had one.
And she helped me a lot.
I chugged a glass of champagne. 
Bry and I don't talk anymore.
After I told him I love him and wish I didn't have to choose him or New York.
But the second I said that.
And his response was hurtfully minimal.
I have only remembered the pain of loving him.

And he's forgotten me painlessly.


But it won't be painless, he just may not know.
He just won't know why he feels so.
But it's me inside of him.
Crawling out of his chest.
As I rip it to shreds.
Eating his brain and mind from the inside.
Whispering evil things in his ears at night.




The sad thing is.
That I will always remember the black eye.
Bruised cheeks.
Stolen car.
Loveless months.
Split open head.


But he won't.
He's not going to look back on that.


I think that almost hurts me the most.
He won't remember that he hurt me.

14.4.13

Another panic attack.
I am afraid.
That my panic attacks will become frequent again.

I am having a really hard time with anxiety.
And I wonder if it's related to being out of weed.
Are you kidding me.
I said I felt like crying
Not that I'm going to.

Stop crying.
I am here at student orientation
And all I feel to do is cry
And break shit
I'm so pissed to be here
By myself
Where the fuck is Liza?
I'm going to fucking kill them
Why am I here
Without her
I wouldn't be here without her
She's the one who sparked me
She's the one who made my soul explode
She's the one who gave me power
Who I made a schedule with
To get everything done
She drove me to school
And picked me up
She slaved for me
And she isn't here
This is horrible
This makes me feel horrible
Eliza needs to be here
I'm going to fucking kill them.
Everyone is here with their parents
And I am alone
Because Liza isn't here
I can't fucking believe this
They haven't even told her if she got in
How negligent and unprofessional.

They accepted 65% last year and only 45% this year

45%, and you can't figure it out?
I also don't understand
Why I appreciate myself
More than anyone else
Isn't it usually the other way around?

Why do I sit here confused that they don't feel it, too?
I am.
Swimming.
In some sort of surreality.


But I'm thriving deep in the gravity.
Come and have at me.

I skirk my sneakers on the streets.
It always feels good when we meet.
Gimme yo skin, I give ya tha beat.

How about that little thing
That you do when we scream
How about that little thing
That changes the way that it seems.
Heart burning
Anxiety churning
I feel amazing.


But anxiety eats me.


There is something incorrect within me.
I'm always.
I'm always being pulled by something that turns my smile to venom.
I am confused by the fact that I am numb to most important things.
But at the same time, I am Young Little.

Young Little knocking on the neighbour's door.
South African blonde blue eyes.
I can't remember why.
But they said the word pussy.
I only thought of cats.
They told me it was more than that.
I am so easily disrupted.


How can I be so soulless but sensitive.

13.4.13

What's wrong with me.
And sleeping.

12.4.13

I am fucking livid right now.
How did my blog get taken off of private.



And fucking small town.
People get so involved in small town.
They can't stick to their own lives.
Fuck off.

11.4.13

Eliza says I'm in manic.
May be true.
I agree.
To be so confused.



Communicate.
Communicate, foolioz
I feel so lonely in this world.
I just.
I miss Eliza so much.
We spent the earlier part of the day together.
I rode Cay's bike over.
We smoked in the back yard.
And started doing some photos.
I grafitti'd tha table.
I pulled my skirt up for her.
When I'm with her, I feel the most alive.
I feel the most at ease with myself.
She's cleaning the house.
And I'm not even talking to her.
Just running around and screaming.
And beat boxing.
And dancing.
Because we're together!
We talked about how much we're lacking without each other.
And thought back to tha Claud Haus Gypsy Freak dayz.
We know that we'll be living together again.
We need it.
It's literally good for my health.
She gives me my pure stomp strength.
Without her, I try so hard.
And I feel like I do okay.
But I try and try to maintain it all independently.
But it won't be the same.
I wish I could bring her everywhere.
And show off our love.
And Scream it to the world.
I'M IN LOVE.
I'M IN LOVE, I'M IN LOVE.
Me, Min, and Bear are a great team.
I love him so much.
He makes me so happy, 
And I love that she found him.
It makes me explode with happiness.



I had a lucid dream that Bryan was visiting.
And hanging with guy friends I have here.
I was uncomfortable.

I'm so prude and conservative.
But I also want to fuck like a fucking god dan rampage sometimes.
I wish that.
I fucking.
Just had.
A brotha lova again.
I never slept.
How did this breakdown even happen.


I think that I simply need to see people.

10.4.13

To make myself feel better.
I am going to wash my hands with freezing water.
And splash my face.
I am going to roll my last join.
Put the blues and some jazz on my headphones.
And I'm going out into the night.
To Bartlett and Harrison.



To climb upon the abandoned.
I don't want to be awake.
I wish I was smoking a bowl with someone since I have to be.



My muscles tickle weak.
It finally happened.
A panic attack.
Researching.
And.
This is happened.
Because.
Of stress.
And malnutrition.

Also, last night.
Was Blake's birthday.
And he was so happy.

I spent my day on their roof with Eliza.
Tanning in our bras.
Falling in love.
Blake comes up.
And it was silly that I was in my bra.
Lace and partially see through.
He gives me a hug.
We come downstairs.
And he tells me he likes me outfit.
Which I now have on.
He says "a lot of boobs, I like it."
I tell him that I have no boobs.
And I felt.
Uncomfortable.
Jenna was right there.
Making him cupcakes after working all day.

We leave to go the the Mystery Lights show.
Eliza, Bear, and I sneak into a taxi.
To divulge in this cocaine that Blake has given to us.
Umma Lummz.
Thought that I didn't love that stuff.
And I may not lurve it.
But I appreciate it when it is free.
Wouldn't find myself spending a dime on it, though.
We arrive to a bar.
We all get carded.
My fake works.
Jen's doesn't.
She cries.
We leave.

We walk to the subway to get to the show.
And as we walk, everyone bails.
Me, Liza, and Ben take another taxi.
And divulge in yet another baggy of cocaine.
We get to the show.
And no one is dancing like they should.
Rob shows up after it ended.
And we end up spending the night hanging out.
We vibe really well as hyper fuck children.
And as the night progressed, he sat closer and closer to me.
And leaned on me.
And I.


Ya know, I can tell these things.
It's the same thing Drew did.
All of a sudden our arms are against each other every time we sit.
But reciprocation did not partake in these moments.
I don't really stop them.
Because it's so minimal.
And it is nice.
But.
I don't do the same to them.

Rob and I ran around in circles on his roof.
Screaming.
Talking about society.
And talking about people.
And talking about our views on everything.
And telling stories.
And he is the person that I told the most about my run away here.
I mean, of course no one will ever know the full truth of what happened.
But he was told a lot of it.
Without knowing the main thing.
And I like to tell him stories.
Because he has a similar mind to me.
In the way that he isn't phased.
And won't become uncomfortable with the weird things I've experienced.





I came home, watched a bit of Klimt.
Which I am to finish now.






I think Drew doesn't want to hang out with me anymore because I am only friendly. 
I slept until 7:30 pm.
I awoke four times between then and the moment I fell to sleep.
I would wake in this horrid sweat.
Dripping.
Only to find myself spinning and nauseated. 
The amount of blood I'm losing is not normal to me.
It wouldn't scare me if I didn't physically feel this way.
I would wake.
Only to run to the bathroom.
Hoping not to leave a trail.
Shove myself into the bathtub.
And try to hard to keep myself conscious.
My brain has been hazy in this dizz.
My body is limp and weak.
It listens to me.
But it doesn't move correctly.
Like a waddling baby that just learned to walk.

You know, this really reminds me of the time I previously stated.
And during the whole time,
I had no idea what I was doing to myself.
Or I just didn't want to stop, so
I didn't care it was happening.

I awoke in a massive puddle of blood.
And nauseous more than ever before.
I would sit on the toilet seat.
Waiting to stop bleeding.
But I bled and bled.
And my mind buzzed and buzzed.
And I had to keep my legs separated so that I could throw up in between them.
After these episodes.
I would lay in bed.
And that was normal.
Because I was throwing up about six times a day.
When I would eat for a few days.
And then I wouldn't eat much other than a few pieces of fruit.
For about four or five days.
And I never had energy.
I always felt half awake.
And so I lived in my bed.
A starving girl.
Lonely and weird in the head.
But this time.
I would stay in bed.
Because every organ inside of me.
Was in such pain.
Any movement hurt.
If I were to make any organ move.
It would scream in pain.
Sleeping was horrible.
I just literally couldn't move.
I would just lay there and bleed.
And throw up from bleeding.
And eat a piece of fruit.
Or throw up some oatmeal.
Or vegetables.
And this lasted for a month.
I couldn't walk anywhere.
I couldn't leave my house.
Everything hurt.
And Bryan was dating me.
He started to really become concerned with the eating disorder.
He always bugged on it.
But I considered it a part of myself.
And natural.
Something that he had to accept.
But he started to become worried.
And wanted me to go to the doctor.
But I never go to the doctor.

But one night, we take a walk.
To the cement ship.
Half sunken into the sea.
With screaming sea lions.
I had said that on the last day of school.
I would drink my Crystal Head vodka.
And climb onto the ship.
And jump into the freezing water.
I didn't have enough friends to celebrate such a thing.

I was a lonely girl in bed.


So Bry and I walk there, just talking.
But it hurt so much.
I had to walk really slow.
I enjoyed our time there.
He kept pretending to almost fall off the deck.
And it really gave me anxiety.
I saw everything going wrong.
Plus I was a big ball of anxiety crawl.
God, remembering my mind back then.
I was so different.
Twisted in shame.
And.
It just became too much.
It hurt too much.
We had to go back.
And every single step was eating me alive.

He had to put his arm around my shoulder and help me get home.
And I just got home.
Laid there.
Still in pain.
Because no matter what I did.
My organs were screaming.
It came to the point that.
Even if I were to lay still.
Shrieking insides ate me.


I don't remember if it was that specific night.
But after a month.
I decided to stop throwing up my food for a short amount of time.
Only to heal.
A week later.
My insides were perfectly fine.
Well, not so.
But they were as fine as my normal sate.

My insides are still not fine.
I did not realize that two years would destroy a whole entire body that lives for one hundred.


But this is not the same case today.
I don't understand why this is happening to me.
It is nowhere near as severe.
And my insides are fine.
I do monitor my intake.
But I eat healthy when I eat.
And I don't try to starve to death.
I am afraid of food.
But I am not afraid of healthy food.
I would never throw up vegetables.

I would never throw up.




What is happening.
I am losing so much blood.
I am dizzy and exhausted from it.
Nauseous.
The last time this happened,
I was bedridden for a month.

But I am not severely bulimic anymore.
So I don't understand why this is happening.

9.4.13

I'm sick of saying good mourning to myself.

8.4.13

Oh and.
You listen to me now, do you.
Temperamental all on your own without my consent.
Only proves to me how disconnected we are in fact.

Body and Soul.

6.4.13

Obvious, am I?


Lollipops.
It's in the bitter lollipops.

Going to a 007 party in Manhattan at this hotel with glass walls that overlook the city.
And he asked to hang out after.
And I assume he'll ask me to sleep over again.
But I won't.
I hope that things remain platonic as long as possible.

If I were to have to explain myself, it would only be a mumble jumble.
And I feel like I may come off offensive.

But I enjoy how things are now.
And I really like to spend my time doing them.
I can listen to Mississippi John Hurt again.
And I think that's a sign of moving on for sure.
However, if I ever hear the Stanky Boot song, I'll die in one second. 

So last night.
Went to Marcos' art show.
It was great.
And the woman running it, she's beautiful and so nice.
And there were topless girl in black spandex shorts.
Painted and dancing.
Chaz and Curtis came and did projections.
Marcos kept asking if we were dating.
Because we were both wearing red black and white.
And I felt like last night we were flirting. 
In the most minimal way.
Just certain things.
Certain touchy things.
He watched me dance for a little while.
With this indian man.
Who I thought was gay.
I now do not think that he is gay.

I left and went to Drew's house.
And we watched Queen of Versailles.
And I was soooo stoned and tired.
And it was so depressing.
And then we watched Beavis and Butthead.
As we sat together,
He was just doing super minimal things.
Like sitting right next to me so that our arms are touching.
Or he put his knee over mine.
It felt nice.
But it was all that I could handle.
Just thinking about anything now.
Makes me very anxious.
I can't handle anything with anyone.
I have nothing inside of myself to offer.

He offered for me to sleep over because it was late and cold.
And I would have loved to.
So that I wouldn't have to go home at 4 am.
But I couldn't sleep there.
I'm not trying to give impressions that I don't have.
And he was already starting to get more comfortable and put his knee on mine.
Which I know is so jovial.
But it does tell me something, yes?

I think that one of my favourite things is that Drew is bad at telling stories.
Because I'm even worse.
And it's nice to be around someone who suffers tha same ailment.
I really like spending time with him.
And he's really just so nice.
But I'm empty.
The more I think of it, the emptier I am.
Oh no.
Things are progressing into something I may not be able to handle.

4.4.13

Panic attacks.
So I'm bloated off beer.
And I'm not playing Harrison well.
I'm slipping on these chords.
And my voice doesn't have the normal control it does.
Because she's filming me.
That's okay.
I've got quite the million things in my mind.
And you know what, I would like to ignore all of them.
All of them.
And you know what I do.
I smoke spliffs.
And bloat off these beers.
I can feel this little anxiety in me.
I am wondering if I'll start having panic attacks again.
I don't think they'll be like before.
Nothing like that, right?
I remember my anxiety attacks back when I was addicted to coke.
I didn't understand them.
I didn't know what they were.
So as I had the panic attack, I searched my mind for the reason.
And I would think about all the things I could that may be the reason I feel so.
But remembering things is no good. Myths only negativity I must focus on is my only and past relationship.
I may start to, though.
Every day is causing for one.
Every day is a bigger mess.
I'm trying to surround myself with the positive.
I'm doing well with that.
I need to make my art.
Go on adventures.
I need friends who adventure.
There are a few who may.
I'm also gaining anxiety due to my problem.
I feel like I'm trying so hard for control.
But my body is getting used to it.
And I'll have to die to get what I want, it seems.
Well, I have awesome shoes coming in the mail.
And I can work out again.
And I can have my control.

I freestyled the other day.
And I flowed and flowed
I told stories.
And it felt good.

And I've been jamming.
Almost got the Gold Lion cover down.

I've got to remember myself.
Remember that I love what I know.
And all humans beings are just that.
Big ol' bawlz of alcohol like I am.
A stoned blob that can't speak like I am.
Mistake makers.
Mind quivers.
I'm a fool like the guy right next to me.
So I can't weigh myself on the babble that the woman runs through my brain.

Why is my problem incomplete.
Why am I not visually satisfying with myself.
Can't this shit skin, minimal muscles, and melting piles of fet listen.
You awake the way you feel as you go to sleep.
Grind in the night, the hunger scream.
I'm awkward.

2.4.13

So I have been beaten.
I slept for two hours.
I said goodbye to Kevin last night.
And I'm really sad that I didn't know him for long.
And it took me a while to get to know him.
And I was just getting to see how awesome he is.
But he is going to have a great time.
And I hope to see him upon his return.

I like hanging out with these boys.
Because they're really goofy.
And I'm laughing a lot around them.
And we just smoke weed.
And I feel comfortable.

I think that my soullessness  makes me more comfortable.
Because I have none of those worries.

But I do think that this one guy is really nice.
And that makes me feel really good.
And I find myself thinking about him.
And wanting to spend time with him.

But though I am soulless.
I also find myself falling for interest in people so quickly.
I feel as if I have a partial awareness of every boy.
But then if something were to actually come up.
I then feel nothing.
I just.
Don't want anyone to touch me.
And.
It feels nice to have this power.
And regained purity.
But.
It also.
Makes me feel lonely.
I love touching skin.
And I miss it.
And I miss cuddling a lot.
But.
There's something that stops me.
I don't want to touch anything I don't love.
But love isn't something that I want right now.
And it's not an easy thing for me to find nor achieve.


I went to two Dmvs today.
The first one, I stood in front of but could not find.
So I walk to the second.
Fill out the form.
And the dude.
The dude that you talk to in order to get a ticket.
Had his face burned.
And the texture was so smooth.
And his bald head had a pattern on it.
It almost looked like he was lined like a copper tiger.
And it had a glow in the light.
Because he had a darker complexion.
And I actually found his bald burned head to be kind of beautiful.
But his nose was a bit odd.
smaller than it must had been before.
And the nose hairs poked out of it so brittle.
And gray.
And I think that his nostrils had been burned back.
He was nice.
But he did tell me that I had to go to the other Dmv because my previous license was from California.
So I took a subway to the address.
And I went to the wrong address.
So I walked to the first Dmv place.
Finally found it.
Wait in line as my phone dies.
And only show up.
So relieved and ready to get chit done.
To be told that my birth certificate, student id, and proof of address are not enough to gain a Ny id.
So I'm chapped.
I'm sad and chapped.
And on two hours of sleep.
And walking balls deep in Manhattan.

I did walk by the International Center of Photography.
And Bryant Park.
And It made me think of visiting here in the summer.
Having no idea that I would be living here now.

And so I go home.
I've been laying in bed, a dead human.
Smoking weed feeling much better.
Talking to my mom.
Figuring shit out.
Gonna do it, doody dewd.
I'm going to get shit done.
I'm going to get to Italy and Russia.
I need to.
I want to be re inspired.
And I want my balls and mind blown.
I MAY see Kevin!
And Pian!
And Stephanie Loo!
God damn, that would be fucking amazing.


And so the person that I have been partially thinking of.
Has, I think, been thinking of me.
They sent me a video.
Which was nice and made me laugh.
And he would like to spend time with me.
And I would like the same.
So I'm gonna. 
I think that my body is used to this amount of food.
If I were to attempt to stay thin through starving.
I would have to literally eat nothing at this point.
Frustrating fuck.
I never win.

I never win.