15.4.13

God, that made me cry instantly.



I never cry.
But here I am.
Panic attacks.
And memories.




Yesterday's panic attack was horrible in the sense that it didn't end.
I went into Blake and Jenna's bathroom.
And I sat on the toilet and hugged by knees.
And it didn't start with hyperventilating like normal.
I just started bawling and bawling.
Crying and crying.
For literally no reason.
Just freaking out.
I felt scared for my life.
But there's nothing to be scared for.
I start hyperventilating.
And it feels like my brain is used to it.
And it gets the dizz so quickly.
My brain starts fading away with my vision.
And I'm just so uncomfortable.
I want the panic attack to simply end.
So I try to take deep breaths.
And I eventually calm myself.
Dy my tears and go out.
Drag a spliff make some jokes.
But I find myself standing by the window.
With my face pressed against the screen.
Almost grasping for air.
I still felt like I couldn't breathe.
And though I calmed myself down.
I only calmed the panic attack.
It left me exhausted.
But it was continuing within me.
This constant feeling of gnarly anxiety.
Just a baseline panic attack that swims with me as I walk around.
I busted through it.
I wasn't going to go and finish it in the bathroom.
I asked Eliza for a hug and told her that I had one.
And she helped me a lot.
I chugged a glass of champagne. 

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