But that ain’t going to happen. I may go missing for a day. I may wake up somewhere I don’t know.
I may be that white girl in a lace dress crying in front of the projects.
But six women called every jail thinking I was taken in for graffiti. Every hospital in New York. Every person who knows my name in this city.
One babe didn’t come in to work today so that she could find me.
I’ve got California looking for me, too. Kids I don’t know asking if I’m found yet.
And I have ended up actually having an amazing and loving day. Came home to a street fair. Treated myself to a few Bloody Marias. Accidentally had a little party at my house filled with only really good friends. Had an amazing jam sesh. Free weed. Spray painted on my wall. And I got pizza and Ben and Jerrys at 3:30 am. Watching Arrested Development with two big booty ladies in bed.
waking up and realizing someone is missing
calling every authority you can think of to help
maybe she is sitting in a jail cell
fingers stained magenta and gold
maybe she’s lying in a hospital bed unconscience
last nights unknowns
“no white females, sorry miss”
the nurses line clicks out
maybe she’s worse
I can’t even put it in words
the thought makes my skin crawl
but she’s okay
hazy from the rohypnol
and frightened from the rise within a strange house
but alive and found
thank you universe
for getting us out of this one
with just a story to tell and a life lesson learned
I still have my best friend
she’s still filled with a powerful force
and we’re still charging forth with no fear
They think you're weird in a bad way.
And they don't care that you were destroyed.
They don't want to hear of dark things.
And they don't want to know that you are dark.
Because most aren't dark.
Most are born in a mold.
Made of media and the government.
I make them uncomfortable.
And they want nothing of me.
I have so much hair!
I just remembered.
Our phone call.
I refused to answer.
Because I was in the bathroom.
Having the longest lasting panic attack I’ve still had to this day.
And I was really afraid of passing out.
And you got to me answer the phone.
You explained why you ruined my family.
Because you were ruining them the safest way.
And you told me that you had been becoming schizophrenic from the Lyme disease.
And that for the past week, I’ve been yelling at you in your mind.
All of my hatred that I truly felt.
And you thought that my mother was a Russian spy from the government.
And she had set out a hit to assassinate you.
And that I was coming to kill you.
Because my brother had died.
And we blamed it on you.
And I’m glad that he only had palpitations like I have.
And that neither he nor I are dead.
Okay, and I also remember.
That I know why.
You ruined my family.
You found it so delicious.
I know it.
Because I didn't love you back.
And you hated me for it.
Swim in my mind.
I'm eating myself silently alone in this small room that I've locked myself in.
I don't want to hear anymore.
I know that it happens to most.
And I'm okay that it has happened to me.
But sometimes I get so angry.
Why did they do that to me.
I wish I was this devil.
That loomed the sweat soaked sidewalks.
That shine yellow with street lights.
And when the shadows came near.
I only murdered them for attempting so.
But, nopez, they got me before I knew to get them first.
Always how it goes.
I could make this dark.
I could tell you a story, ya know.
Make you slither inside yourself.
I hate this topic women always come upon.
Come upon mistreating.
And the thing is that it's so real.
And I'm a big ball of rape.
And I can feel it all for ya, babe.
But I can't hear this.
I can't talk about it.
It's making me.
I'm I my bathroom.
Hiding this now.
What do I do.
I hate to think of it.
I'm so mad.
Every single boy we meet.
Prefers Clara to me.
Which doesn't give me grief, but confusion.
And during the time, I was thinking why he is into her when we're grooving on jams together and talking a lot more.
If only he knew how horrible I felt that night.
Me and Clara hang out with this dude
And Jen and Blake's room mate.
I enjoyed conversation with him.
But Blake was setting him and Clara up.
And we both thought it was because he had said he was into Clara.
But I'm here with Jen and Blake today.
And they said he had asked about me twice and says that I'm a very very cool girl.
And Blake had only tried to hook them up, he didn't ask about Clara.
How odd, I laughed a good laugh.
I'm at least flattered.
Into lucid reality.
But I don't want to leave them.
But I'm doing that in the real world, anyway.
Hooked up to a monitor feeding me through a tube.
They range from April 5th down at the bottom to May 6th at the top.
Here they are
That is fine.
I've been texting Rob because he was in my dream the night before.
And we talk about mishing togetha.
And he sent me a photo saying that he already had been, and it was of our tags together.
I asked him why they wouldn't come to the bars with us.
And he said he didn't know that's who Jackson was on the phone with.
So he came.
We're at Tutu's.
And right when we walk out,
He's in front.
And we hang out.
And tag everywhere.
And are like best friends.
And he's at my house.
And I accidentally said "we're the same person."
I meant to explain differently.
But he was like "what."
And I explained saying that I felt like he's the boy version of myself.
And also, it comes to the point of where he'll sleep.
And I tell him to sleep here, but to please not try anything.
And he became offended that I would consider him to he so.
But I just explained why.
But I don't know, whatever.
I don't feel like writing.
I'm feeling much better all throughout.