6.5.13

So I've been jotting in my notes recently to blurt my mind.
They range from April 5th down at the bottom to May 6th at the top.


Here they are

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I had a dream that I had this huge family
And we weren't sure why
But the police had taken over us
And every hour or so
They'd blow their whistles at our house
And we'd be forced into these small cop trucks 
Or outside on our front driveway that we has back when we lived in Davis 
Or a stage that we had in my house
And they'd do people's make up and hair 
I was over it. 
I snuck away from it. 
And the cops cared, but couldn't really keep track because our family was huge 
And drew called me to invite me to some photo thing. 
He mentioned something about being really shy. 

And Bry was in my dream. 
I saw him. 
And I started massaging his back. 
And his booty. 
And it just turned into a massage. 
And I felt it all
I touched him again, and I know exactly how it felt. 
I felt it in my dreams. 
And he's delicious. 

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I am realizing that no one will be as close to me as I am with myself 
And it could be a lonely feeling 
Some times it is. 
And some times it's most the time. 

I just feel. 
Very uncared about here. 
There are certainly people here who care for me a lot. 
But I feel like their care can sometimes depend on selfish reasons. 
Or their mood. 

I think I am just realizing this is why this keeps happening in my dreams. 
Where I'm running to everyone I'm close with. And I keep trying to talk to them of my problem. But they all tell me that I'm ruining the mood. Or over reacting. Or that I already knew of this and shouldn't be upset anymore. And I feel like we're all so focused on ourselves right now. I am probably doing the same towards them. 

I just wish that I could cuddle with a friend at night.

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Only too true
I am thuh same as you 
I ain't nuthin' new 
I'm tha skit skat to tha bloop 

The things we see
Are nothing complete 
She's screaming at me
Do you,
Do ya see

I draw tha scribbles 
They help mind dribbles
Do you understand
Why I don't like inhaling man's land. 

Impale the only thing you love
And take it into the ground with the shove
The reasons why doves
Are rats to this New York glove

Of humanized robotic collisions
Between tha soul and societal permission 

Want to extrude into my incision?
Participate in my lovely decision?
I'd love to become a part of
Some form of bloop dee bloop blah. 

I love a babe,
She took my name
I'm only one part 
Of the brain 

I say the same words during different phases
I juggle my thoughts in different paces 
Can I make it 
Always breakin'
See ya face that you always makin'

I'd lie to seethe 
You on yo knees
Love me deep
But never receive.

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I have this sense of good inside of myself. 
I knew the things the tarot told me. 
But having something else, even a senseless deck of cards tell me so. 
Made it more concrete. 

Ugh why am I even writing this. 
I'm going to go and enjoy myself.

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In your mind
In your mind
You write alone
Because your refuse 
To intwine

I will one day soon
Find this groove of mine.

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Goly, man. 
I sit upon this bench.
And stare at so many folks. 
Everyone I speak to gains glittering eyes so quickly. 
Even the women. 
But the easiness is so superficial. 
You can't gleam at me so quickly unless it's only based on the physical. 
And do you even know what the physical is?
Clothes can control so many things you aren't aware of when it isn't on you. 

It told me today. 
Of my anxiety.
Assumptions.
Isolation.  

I didn't expect it to mention isolation.
But once I heard of it, I knew. 
And the self punishment that causes such. 

I shouldn't be so.
I have felt better since. 

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The rising sun makes me want to vomit on all things. 

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I certainly don't want reasons to love. 
But I certainly want reasons to touch. 

We tha soulless kids. 
Eat you alive as you live. 
I want the shit that gets me in the sheets 
I want to consider you a pleasure to meet. 

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6 am
Thrive and spin
Ya in it to win
Grocery money running so thin. 

6 am,
Ya creep brain, stay in
Where do I begin 
To explain the reasons in which I swim. 

6am
One eye open, one that lives
I've got no reason and no dimes
I awake inebriated and intwined
Is this lucid 
Is it mine
Am I evil
As I walk by
Because this sure feels like
A good way to fly
Saunter the streets
I'll eat everyone I meet
Swallow them whole
At 6:16

What the fuck is the morning
When the sun arrives outside my window
It's only here to greet me
To let me know I'm in for 
Evil seething 
Everyone I'm meeting
Is just another
Reason for leaving.

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Wait, eat me alive 
As I grind and I try 
I'm the failure attempt
Of the perfection so bent. 
I'd love to give 'em hell. 
 But my power, I can't tell 

Could you tell me what you see. 
Is it truly relief. 
I live in bushwick, baby. 
But they about to be. 
Rollin' in tha money 
Grocery dollah'z ain't that funny 
You try to rub and touch me. 
But attempt tha soul, you loving
Something that isn't so existent 
I feel yo skin,
But I'm ultimately resistin'
Try and take a sit and
Listen to my spit and
I'm only unforgiven
But I'm trying to feel ya and it's
My undeserved sleep 
That grinds me in tha deep
Do I ever fall asleep 
Accepting reality.

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What is it this up and down. 
I forgot about this feeling of depression that swims over me. 
For such lengths of a time.
It is so disrupting. 
'Scuse me, in my way, you. 
Big bag of old blues. 
I'm tryin' to skip along to this spring time heat.
Whatchu doin' slowin' down my skeet. 

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Something is off about me. 
I keep searching for reasons why. 
And I think that creates reasons. 
I think that there is no reason. 
I think it's anxiety. 

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Control of me
Control of you 
Give me tha swang 
That takes ya in like glue 
I've got some little bomp da domp
Ya neva wona't. 
Don't look at me with surprise to find I'm cold. 

Got a little taunt 
Like a ghost, it haunts 
Finds ya in duh deep of sleep ya need 
Eats ya alive and bleeds ya clean.
Know what I mean? 
It's my friend, the end
The one that bends
Takes ya 'till ya let 'em win 
Makes ya forget about him 

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So as the days get wasted
I'm always shakin'
Deliberating 
Over the way it makes me
Writhe in the heat
I try to keep my beat
Trippin' on my feet
I still find my relief. 

What a great belief 
To care for none but me. 
I am the only thing 
That's gonna keep my swing. 
So let me bring
You a simple question. 
Why do you do all the thangs that you mention. 
'Cause ya crave attention. 
Something you always regrettin'. 
I sit back and watch as I go up to heaven. 
Only for a second, though. 
Because hell contains my soul. 
I truly know the devil, deep down do we go. 

And, yeah, I suppose
It's a problematic prose. 
I got tha big booty hoes
Kissin' up on my toes. 
But ya already know
My story, it is told. 
Create your own world
And make it bold.
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Anxiety munching on me

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Blonk da womp 
I sneek da stomp
Boop dee lomp 
Da pleepty plop

But ya never stop

Da Peep da sneek da 
Loopadee scoop da
Meekin' Maukin' neva stoppin'

Wugha, but I stomp da stomp and
I ain't neva let it rotten 
My scene serene 
The groovy beat 
Skit skat with my feet
I'm a boop ba loop dee

Take one more look at me 
And pleep along if you please
If ya need some, I got extra up my sleeves 

The train I'm missing is always the G
But it only gives me more time for the peepnaukie. 

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List of mistakes:
Waited for the bus when the bus doesn't come after twelve. 

Walked to the subway the wrong way 

G train isn't running 

Card empty

Missed train 

See train coming, put phone away 

Subway worker train goes by

Transfer to the wrong train 

Miss train because train I was on didn't stop fast enough. 

And I stand here now. 
Here I stand. 
I guess it's not that bad, I have a spliff, whatever. I'm going to watch Adventure Time, or Beavis and Butthead, or Hey Arnold. 


We were crossing the street today. 
And there was this great old 60's sports car with VIVA OBAMA written all over it, all over. In scribble scrabbly pastel yellow chalk. This thin loose skin Hispanic man was sitting in it. He saw me laugh at his car, and proceeded to honk at us over and over as we crossed. An it was so funny, this car and stewpid dewd. 

Ah, but I'm still standing here. 
Still standing. 



Dude gave me ten bucks for having a ripped skirt. 

Went home and made art until 5:30 am

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But don't cry

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Holy shit this ball sac sucks 


Ahhhh 
I want to 
Fucking
Ex 
Fucking 
Plode 

I put in so much effort. 
Patience is something I must swim in 
To avoid panic attacks 
But I am so shaky 
I am so shaky

+

I may have come to the point where I truly care about the instances. 
Because I'm angry, I'm so pissed. 
It's my pride. 
How dare I be treated so. 
Do they have any idea. 
I'm not no rag doll
Boring normal
Grinding grit
I'm the words you like the hear
Keepin' your head more clear 
I'm the colors in your dreams 
But now I'm the murder within your screams. 

Fucking shadows. 

+

I feel almost embarrassed that I may actually depend on weed as much as I joke to be. 
I really thought I was joking, though. 

I was joking. 
Because I had weed then. 

+

I don't want to accept the sadness that I feel. 

+

I'm a non eater
No god believer
I stomp with a fever 
I photo as I see her 
My gypsy queen reliever 
What I've lost I've also gained 
It's now different, but got a name 
Can ya tell me youz ain't slain? 

How's it feel 
To be so real it's surreal 
Can ya thrive from my appeal
I'm grindin' as I squeal 
The queen supreme, she drives me clean 
I photo as I see, and it's something more than unique 
The concentration of my addicted sensation 
Hypersensitive anxiety is drowned in smoke patience. 

I dance and sway the gypsy game. 
The voodoo follows me as I go this way. 
Across the country, California to New York. 
But sativa follows right behind me on a stork. 
I do what I want, and it comes in secret packages. 
They stare when I open because they oughta be grabbin' it. 

The blues in my ears, and jazz that's sincere. 
The wind  blows and whispers that spring is now here. 

+

Nine minutes until the L train 
The more I wait for things
The more I lose my brain 
Standing, staring at the same
Blank scene that I see every day 
It's not discreet the way we feel no shame. 

But it's nine minutes until the L train 
I've been missing weed like it's my own name. 
She's dismissing your deeds like it's a dead claim. 
Can I get ya to say 
That your actions are on display. 
One day you'll have to pay. 
For the falsifications you always portray. 
I'd say I was fine 
If I didn't catch  myself hyperventilating every time. 

+

Are you kidding me.
I said I felt like crying
Not that I'm going to. 

Stop crying. 

+

I am here at student orientation 
And all I feel to do is cry
And break shit 
I'm so pissed to be here
By myself 
Where the fuck is Liza? 
I'm going to fucking kill them 
Why am I here
Without her
I wouldn't be here without her
She's the one who sparked me
She's the one who made my soul explode
She's the one who gave me power
Who I made a schedule with
To get everything done
She drove me to school
And picked me up
She slaved for me 
And she isn't here
This is horrible 
This makes me feel horrible 
Eliza needs to be here
I'm going to fucking kill them. 
Everyone is here with their parents
And I am alone
Because Liza isn't here 
I can't fucking believe this
They haven't even told her if she got in
How negligent and unprofessional. 

They accepted 65% last year and only 45% this year 

45%, and you can't figure it out?

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I also don't understand
Why I appreciate myself 
More than anyone else 
Isn't it usually the other way around? 

Why do I sit here confused that they don't feel it, too?

+

I am. 
Swimming. 
In some sort of surreality. 


But I'm thriving deep in the gravity. 
Come and have at me. 

I skirk my sneakers on the streets. 
It always feels good when we meet. 
Gimme yo skin, I give ya tha beat. 

How about that little thing
That you do when we scream 
How about that little thing 
That changes the way that it seems. 

+

Heart burning 
Anxiety churning 

+

I feel amazing. 


But anxiety eats me. 


There is something incorrect within me. 
I'm always.  
I'm always being pulled by something that turns my smile to venom. 
I am confused by the fact that I am numb to most important things. 
But at the same time, I am Young Little. 

Young Little knocking on the neighbour's door. 
South African blonde blue eyes. 
I can't remember why. 
But they said the word pussy. 
I only thought of cats. 
They told me it was more than that. 

+

I am so easily disrupted. 


How can I be so soulless but sensitive. 

+

Panic attacks. 
So I'm bloated off beer. 
And I'm not playing Harrison well. 
I'm slipping on these chords. 
And my voice doesn't have the normal control it does. 
Because she's filming me. 
That's okay. 
I've got quite the million things in my mind. 
And you know what, I would like to ignore all of them. 
All of them. 
And you know what I do. 
I smoke spliffs. 
And bloat off these beers. 
I can feel this little anxiety in me. 
I am wondering if I'll start having panic attacks again. 
I don't think they'll be like before. 
Nothing like that, right? 
I remember my anxiety attacks back when I was addicted to coke. 
I didn't understand them. 
I didn't know what they were. 
So as I had the panic attack, I searched my mind for the reason.
And I would think about all the things I could that may be the reason I feel so. 
But remembering things is no good. My only negativity I must focus on is my only and past relationship. 
I may start to, though. 
Every day is causing for one.
Every day is a bigger mess.
I'm trying to surround myself with the positive. 
I'm doing well with that. 
I need to make my art.
Go on adventures. 
I need friends who adventure. 
There are a few who may. 
I'm also gaining anxiety due to my problem. 
I feel like I'm trying so hard for control. 
But my body is getting used to it. 
And I'll have to die to get what I want, it seems. 
Well, I have awesome shoes coming in the mail. 
And I can work out again.
And I can have my control. 

I freestyled the other day. 
And I flowed and flowed
I told stories. 
And it felt good. 

And I've been jamming.
Almost got the Gold Lion cover down. 

I've got to remember myself. 
Remember that I love what I know. 
And all humans beings are just that.
Big ol' bawlz of alcohol like I am. 
A stoned blob that can't speak like I am. 
Mistake makers. 
Mind quivers. 
I'm a fool like the guy right next to me. 
So I can't weigh myself on the babble that the woman runs through my brain. 

Why is my problem incomplete. 
Why am I not visually satisfying with myself. 
Can't this shit skin, minimal muscles, and melting piles of fet listen. 

+

Sometimes I still feel afraid. 
And gawkers are only doing so. 
But sometimes it makes me feel like I'm Young Little. 
And I feel them as if they tower above me.
Like my safety is only a small net about to break. 
The gawkers become shadows to me. 
And I feel my muscles freeze up. 
And I squeeze them until I'm not afraid any more. 
And it also makes me rage. 
My anger boils my blood thick enough to explode outside of me. 
I want to claw their eyes out. 
And I want to eat the shadows alive.  
And destroy them. 
And stomp them until they beg me. 
Beg me. 
And beg me. 
Like pathetic Young Little's themselves. 
And I will laugh. 
I will stand over them and laugh so hard that my spit stings their eyes. 
And the shadows will fear me. 
And when I walk by, I'll yell things at them. 
And they'll turn into the little babes that fear. 

+

I am interesting
And I'm nice
I'm outgoing
And comforting in my awkwardness 
And you like to spend time with me
 But as you do, you try to achieve things quickly 
Have you given it any thought?
My soullessness leaves you lonesome. 
But it leaves me happy and in control of my happiness. 
And though you like to spend time with me. 
Knowing that there is no exploration in a certain direction. 
You have decided yourself bored. 
For there are many other explorations in many other directions with me. 
But you chose one. 
And that one is only mine. 
I chose that one 
To keep to myself.

+

I would like to touch things
But such anxiety, it brings
Grinding these teeth clean 
I wonder what you mean to me 

Living in a mind unreadable
I'm flying through these times as if I'm invincible
And it may be partially true 
But I don't feel it when I'm with you 

My power is independent 
And I stomp upon my resentments 
But to split my time with you 
I split this strength into two 

Please understand, young man 
That I am only floating throughout this land 
Love for myself and friends
But anything more, I could not even pretend. 

What an empty vessel you've chosen to take
And I'm so sorry to tell you of your mistake 
For I may be a time spent great
Hell bent, every word I say 
But I have no self to offer 
Give yourself to me, I am the robber. 

+

The shit that you tryin'
I'm grinding in tha findin'
Where's my soul, 
It has let go. 
I wish to touch tha skin
But I find myself cold. 
Could I ease tha control of sleaze
And let myself be released 
I have become a sacred tease
Something you could only look and see
But touch me, and death it be. 
I am holding on to my purity 
That has forsaken me.
Six years old 
Give it back to me, please. 
But I'm stomping on these streets. 
There is no more degraded dignity. 
That you could find inside of me. 
I am the blurry sleep. 
The shit that keeps. 
You raw and crawling. 
I'm only for the thralling. 
I've given into my calling. 
The one to entertain the insane brain. 
Something that tastes sweet but is distant to your name. 
I'll give you no shame. 
Only a step in your game. 
I bleed clean upon the sheets
It feels good next to me 
Because of the pure humanity
That I attempt to withhold.
I am no greater
But I find myself bold
Thyself is power
I stand as they cower
So delicate upon my feet
They don't see that they're standing right next to me
For control over ones' life only comes down to 
The way you hold it down, boo
I strive myself deep in pride
And therefore get the thrillest of rides
Can't you see, it could be your time. 
Stomp along as I stomp mine. 

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