23.8.13

I'm a dumb one.
I'm a mouth that doesn't shut.
I tell people things of myself because I feel as if I am human, and we can all relate as humans.
But then I walk home and stare at the cement.
And I realize that we aren't all just souls inside of bodies.
We are bodies that contain souls,
But they also contain the media.
And blindness.
And judgement.
And all of these things that make us so normal inside.
That we can not relate to pain nor depth.
And this is not true with all.
But I cant keep assuming that everyone is just.
Available to feel me.
I told Rob over a bottle of gin.
I told him one quick sentence.
About the memories.
And he's nice and I don't think that he judges me for it.
But I am now judging myself.
Why does anyone need to know.
He knows that I am dirty now.
And.
I feel like I am a bit out of control sometimes.
And I blurt it out to people.
Because it's not something that I have taken care of.
But I'm trying to fucking hard to deal with this.
And I'm over all great and fine and happy in life.
And a lot of the time, I can think of these things without pain.
But never without filthiness.
I feel so disgusting about it.
And I shouldn't have told him how disgusting I am.
And it was right after I told him I'm considering hooking up with women.
And he must see that I am simply a madd girl who is having a hard time understanding how to cope with these things.
So I end up sloppy.
But he did tell me of his therapist.
And I'm in contact with her.
And I'm afraid to do this.
I got a panic attack when I remembered that I told Rob.
And then I tried to email her.
But I just continued my attack.

I finally did the next morning, 
And it's all being set up.
I am scared to talk about it.
Because I'm going to cry.
And I've cried about it twice.
And I am scared to cry of it.
Because that is so painful.
And I feel like Young Little.
And I feel six years old again.

I talked to both of my parents about this.
And my mother reacted very loving.
And she doesn't bother to know why.
She just suppourts it.
My father thinks that I am dumb and doing this for fun.
But I can not tell him why I need it.
But he should trust me.
He does not.
He will not pay for it.


And I am confused about this.
Because my parents have put me into counseling since the age of nine.
And sent me to New Leaf Academy, The Camp Recovery Center, Sutter Outpatient Clinic, Aspen Achievement Academy, and Island View.
All therapeutic institutions.
Most fucked me up far far far far fucking worse.
And I never wanted any of it.
But now that I want it, myself.
It is unnecessary.
I feel offended by my father.
And I feel like I will never have much depth with him.
And I wanted to cry.
But I was on the phone on St.Marks.
And Clara and Fluffy were inside with a pitcher of Sangria.
And I had to suck it up and socialize.
And maybe I'll cry when I see my therapist.
And I think that avoiding tears is going to bring me a lot of panic attacks.
But.
What else is new.
I've been making more art again.
And playing more music.
And printed some of my photography to paste up with my graf tag.
And I've been working hard on Articity.
And I start school on Monday, and I'm so fucking excited.
And.

I had a dream that Chaz kissed me.
It started with hanging out.
And I felt very tired.
And I wanted to nap, but
I didn't want to be rude.
And so I just turned it into a double nap.
But I played with his hair.
Because he got a haircut, and I think that it looks nice.
And I think that I just pushed the envelope.
Because I think that he's always been sweet on me.
And it turned into snuggling.
And then all of a sudden.
He kisses my forehead and cheeks.
And then my face.
But he mostly missed my lips.
And I just felt his scruff moving.
And then all of a sudden,
A sharp pain stops him,
And he looks at me in embarrassment. 
And runs away.
And I regretted that situation.
But I woke up.
And was so fucking happy it wasn't real.
I'm really surprised that I dreamt of anything sexual.
Because.
I have none of that inside of me.
And any time I think of anything sexual.
I just.
Retreat even further.


And so I have been thinking of sleeping with women.
To ease myself back in.
And women like me very much.
I think that will be nice and effective. 

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