28.9.13

Some of my friends. 
Who I saw as strong. 
Are so weak right now. 
It pushes me away from them. 
Weakness is nothing I want around me. 

26.9.13

Tha boy from YungRectumz IllegalTruble hit me up. 
Entheo! 
His name is Cody. 
I am nervous. 
And excited. 
Ooh la. 

24.9.13

Clara and I went to the office today.
Adlai was there, and it was amazing to see him.
He is starting a new company for his wife called Tangerine.
A woman's lifestyle company that has tha flavour of the moroccan times in the 20's.
And he asked us to be clothing designers for it!
I got ten colour prints done today.
Five black and white yesterday including a solarization.
My next book is Young Little.
And I am seeing Bryce during Thanksgiving.
And I am giving thanks for that.

I don't want to tell anyone about Tangerine.
Because people were offended about Articity. 

23.9.13

My knees are healed to two big round scars. 
But they still hurt when I kneel on them. 

Today, I took a tennis racket, and I beat the fucking shit out of something and screamed at the top of my lungs. 
And it felt so perfect.

21.9.13

I went through such an eating disorder night.
I am really disappointed in myself.
It has made me so tired and weak and conscious of my body. 
To be honest.
I smoked weed.
And it felt great to be stoned.
But my gluttony.
My gluttony is why I really can't smoke it.
It weighs me down so much.
I sadly.
Can not smoke weed.

Mika was at a party in my building last night.
He hit me up to come and hang.
But he almost immediately brought up my roof.
And spray painting on it.
And that was obvious.
I can always tell when someone is using me for my roof.
And I let him use the last of my spray paint.
He said he would hit me up about some parties tonight.
I hope he does because I would like to talk to his friend.
But at the same time.
I am so disappointed about being a starving child.
I must go to the gym.
After I finish my green tea.

I don't want to go back to that.
I felt strong when I was working out often.

I fell so fast. 

20.9.13

Starvy during the week day. 
Barfy during the weekend.
I'm fucking stupid god damnit what. 
What. 
Why. 

18.9.13

No gym for two weeks.
Eating disorder back in order. 
Ugh. 

15.9.13

I watched the movie, Mysterious Skin.
And is has done to me the same
As the Garden of the Night.

The two boys were molested.
And one turns into a prostitute.
A soulless.
Empty.
Jo.
And the other turns to a prude.
A Young Little.
Asexual.

And you see, the thing is that.
This movie portrayed both of my reactions to such knowledge of my own.
Though I was Jo when I didn't know.
And Young Litte when I did.


But the thing about this movie.
Which I did not expect.
Was that the last lines were.
"I wanted to tell him that it was all going to be okay. 
But it is not."

And the second I heard it, 
I became a river.
The words are said.
The ones that I have feared.
It is the truth.
That.
These moments are permanent.
I can not erase them.

And I cried and cried.
And I was Young Little.
She woke up.
And I just wished that I could hug her.
I know that it sounds a bit madd.
But I wish that I could hug the child that I was.



And I haven't talked about therapy.
But during the session.
I learned a bit about my child hood.
I remembered how hard it was to have friends.
Learning English, and everyone thought I was so weird.
They found me interesting because I was trouble.
And I was hyper.
And I had no restraints.

But I was and have always been entertainment.
People enjoy the energy that I bring.
But they sit back and watch me.

But I have realized that I have always simply wanted
Friendships with depth
And I saw all of the other kids enjoy such a thing.
But I was never included.
For the longest time, it was my brother and I.

I played with the neighbourhood kids,
But they used me for entertainment.
And when it came down to what I wanted.
It was not convenient for them.

And I forgot about the loneliness that I felt as a child.
And the lack of acceptance.
I remember walking to day care.
And it was winter.
And my mother made me wear a puffy jacket.
 I was so anxious to go to school.
Because I felt as it it accentuated the fact that I was overweight.

I remember the social anxiety that I always felt.
Because I never had the depth.
I was always a sidekick.
And I never really realized how badly I wanted true friends.

This is why I stuck with Melissa and Brenden Engelman for so long.
But Melissa was molestive.
And she tried to make me have sex with her brother, Brenden.

When I was six years old, and Dylan Motley asked me if I wanted to have sex
I asked him what that was.
And he told me that it made you best friends.
And I remember how that felt.
I was so happy.
I wanted a best friend.

But I was entertainment.


My father would call me a loser as he drove me to school.
Every fucking day.
He would talk to my brother about how fat I was.
And compare me to my friends.
He told me there's no wonder I have no friends.
Or that I lose them.
That I was going to end up nothing.
Because I was pathetic and stupid.

And I remember being young and wondering.
Why I was so different to the other kids.
Why they didn't see me the same as the others.
I still don't understand.
But it made me start to believe that something was wrong with me.

And those bad actions towards me.
They made me believe that there was something special about me.
That I was meant for the gutter.

I am okay now, but I am burdened by this.

Also,
I always had a feeling I was molested.
And I was.
I always had a feeling I would be raped.
And I was.
I always had a feeling I would be in a car crash.
And I have been in a few.
And I have this feeling.
That I am going to be hit by a car.
And I have this feeling.
That shadows will come into the night.
But With these feelings, 
I also feel that I will come out of them as harmless as possible.













14.9.13

Boy boy has a beautiful face. 
And he watches me. 

And I am too afraid to look at him. 
My head and neck freeze forward. 


My next step after making him watch me. 
Is to look at him and smile. 

I have retreated to a juvenile Young Little. 
It is nice because I feel like. 
Maybe. 
I really have regained my purity. 

10.9.13

More memories though not sexual 
But painful
Have come.

And I don't think that I am able to love or be loved by another yet. 

9.9.13

A lot has changed
A week ago,
I all of a sudden felt better.
After the panic attack,
I kind of accepted everything.
And Young Little went to bed.

I am no longer upset over the lack of care from that boy.
And have accepted that everyone I've met in Ny
Is only an acquaintance.

And once I realized that.
I was no longer offended by the lack of reciprocation.
Because I simply mistook their care.

People in Ny care only in the moment.
But they forget about you after the hug goodbye.

There is a boy that I see around.
I've met him twice before through a mutual acquaintance.
I never bothered on him, though I found him attractive.
But I feel as if he has noticed me.
And it has caused for me to notice him.
But my excitement is most likely more.
Because I am excited that I can be interested in someone.

I was interested in a girl for a moment.
But her mind is juvenile,
And I am not one to like a child.

Therapy is something of a whole other entry.
I was having a panic attack in class today.
But I swallowed it.

The teacher was pissed at me.
But she swallowed that once she saw my work.
And the way I looked her right in the eyes when she was bothered.
And how I didn't become a small child due to the anger.

I feel as if this is silly to say.
But I am impatient about this boy.
I would just like to kiss him.
And for the first time in a while.
Thinking about anything further hasn't frightened me.

I would hope that this happens.

I also anticipate Thanksgiving break because.
Then I can sleep with my friend.
And enjoy that.


I am not.
I don't like.
That Bryan is the last one I slept with.
I am not the last one of his.
And that's not really what takes hold of my disliking.
It is that Bryan isn't the one to  deserve to be the last one.
And I guess that isn't really it.
I would just like to have care for another at this point.
Maybe not grand emotions.
Exactly not grand emotions.
But I would like passion.