15.9.13

I watched the movie, Mysterious Skin.
And is has done to me the same
As the Garden of the Night.

The two boys were molested.
And one turns into a prostitute.
A soulless.
Empty.
Jo.
And the other turns to a prude.
A Young Little.
Asexual.

And you see, the thing is that.
This movie portrayed both of my reactions to such knowledge of my own.
Though I was Jo when I didn't know.
And Young Litte when I did.


But the thing about this movie.
Which I did not expect.
Was that the last lines were.
"I wanted to tell him that it was all going to be okay. 
But it is not."

And the second I heard it, 
I became a river.
The words are said.
The ones that I have feared.
It is the truth.
That.
These moments are permanent.
I can not erase them.

And I cried and cried.
And I was Young Little.
She woke up.
And I just wished that I could hug her.
I know that it sounds a bit madd.
But I wish that I could hug the child that I was.



And I haven't talked about therapy.
But during the session.
I learned a bit about my child hood.
I remembered how hard it was to have friends.
Learning English, and everyone thought I was so weird.
They found me interesting because I was trouble.
And I was hyper.
And I had no restraints.

But I was and have always been entertainment.
People enjoy the energy that I bring.
But they sit back and watch me.

But I have realized that I have always simply wanted
Friendships with depth
And I saw all of the other kids enjoy such a thing.
But I was never included.
For the longest time, it was my brother and I.

I played with the neighbourhood kids,
But they used me for entertainment.
And when it came down to what I wanted.
It was not convenient for them.

And I forgot about the loneliness that I felt as a child.
And the lack of acceptance.
I remember walking to day care.
And it was winter.
And my mother made me wear a puffy jacket.
 I was so anxious to go to school.
Because I felt as it it accentuated the fact that I was overweight.

I remember the social anxiety that I always felt.
Because I never had the depth.
I was always a sidekick.
And I never really realized how badly I wanted true friends.

This is why I stuck with Melissa and Brenden Engelman for so long.
But Melissa was molestive.
And she tried to make me have sex with her brother, Brenden.

When I was six years old, and Dylan Motley asked me if I wanted to have sex
I asked him what that was.
And he told me that it made you best friends.
And I remember how that felt.
I was so happy.
I wanted a best friend.

But I was entertainment.


My father would call me a loser as he drove me to school.
Every fucking day.
He would talk to my brother about how fat I was.
And compare me to my friends.
He told me there's no wonder I have no friends.
Or that I lose them.
That I was going to end up nothing.
Because I was pathetic and stupid.

And I remember being young and wondering.
Why I was so different to the other kids.
Why they didn't see me the same as the others.
I still don't understand.
But it made me start to believe that something was wrong with me.

And those bad actions towards me.
They made me believe that there was something special about me.
That I was meant for the gutter.

I am okay now, but I am burdened by this.

Also,
I always had a feeling I was molested.
And I was.
I always had a feeling I would be raped.
And I was.
I always had a feeling I would be in a car crash.
And I have been in a few.
And I have this feeling.
That I am going to be hit by a car.
And I have this feeling.
That shadows will come into the night.
But With these feelings, 
I also feel that I will come out of them as harmless as possible.













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