There is a dream I've been needing to finish for ten years. 
And maybe then I could wake up. 


It is overwhelming when you aren’t motivated, and it is unmotivating when it is overwhelming.


I had the GNARLIEST dream!
One aspect was that I came back to California,
And Bryan was in love with me.
And we were together again.
And we were so happy to be touching each other.
And sleeping together.
But I remember thinking.
Oh man, this means that.
I can not sleep with Bryce during Thanksgiving break.
And I questioned myself whether it was worth it.
Or not.
But in reality apart from this dream.
I know that if I were ever to get with him again.
It would remain as sexless as it ever was.
He's a dry man.

Ah, but.
Grace died.
And I buried her.
And her grave was in my house.
And I took her out of her coffin.
And she was this small swollen black body.
Covered like a mummy.
I don't remember why I took her out.
But I didn't put her back correctly.
And you could see through a little window in the coffin.
And she was this black cat.
She was awake in there, trying to escape.
But the coffin was connected to these two hoses.
And they had popped off.
They would let this gas into the coffin.
I kept trying to put them on.
And every time I got them on,
She would fall asleep.
But they'd pop off due to pressure,
And the gas was making me sleepy.
The last time they popped off,
I saw her cat climbing the wall and go into a hole.
It was so fucking creepy and frightening.
Because she was dead!
And so, in my dream.
I had this flashback of a memory.
Having to transport some animal.
And I get into it's cage with it.
But it's completely covered.
And it was the same set up with the tubes and the gas.
And it put us to sleep.
And I realized that maybe Grace wasn't dead this whole time.
But gassed in the coffin.
And I didn't know what to think.
Whether she was zombie like.
Or a victim.
And at one point,
This black water starts splooging all over my wooden floors.
And I kept screaming It's Grace!
I am haunted!!
She is haunting me!!
But, no.
I look up, and I had let my fish tank run over control.

And also in my dream,
I think it was my friend, Diana, who was sleeping over.
She brought her new girlfriend.
And though Diana had the queen bed,
The girlfriend was sleeping on the floor next to me.
And she explained because she didn't want to have sex yet.
And I offered her to share my twin mattress,
But it was too small.
So I made a cushioned little thing for her next to me.
And I woke to her arm around me as we slept.

And there was this van of men.
Following me.
Thinking I had murdered Grace or something.
I caught them staring at me.
And I am with all of these kids my age.
A group of boys who came to a party or something.
And this blonde boy with curly hair and a manly face.
He comes up to me.
And tells me we met before I went to Europe.
And that he wrote me a letter.
I remembered the letter,
But not it's contents.
But that it struck me.
And he told me in the letter, he told me
He was aware that I was anorexic.
And that I had to stop and take care of myself.
And as he told me this,
I grabbed his arm,
And I closed my eyes.
And just felt a bit pained.
And embarrassed.
But he was such a sweet boy.
And he was sweet on me.
And every time I saw him in my dream,
We would lock eyes.
And I felt something in my chest about him.
I am a bit disappointed that.
This part of my dream was just that.
A dream.


Tonight is the night that I want spray paint again.

I was also called by the defendant of when I was arrested. 
She says to me she met me once.
But she can tell I have a bright future.
And that I must get 

An executive sherrif just interrupted me. 
To know my name. 
It is 3:41 am. 
He is confused why I can not spend time with him right now. 



My matryoshka was broken in my dream.