28.11.13

I know this is silly. 
But Happy Thanksgiving. 
I am not eating a single thing today. 

27.11.13

Happy birthday, you've let yourself go. 
Happy birthday, you're fat. 
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
You've gained weight and let yourself go
"What happened, you gained weight and let yourself go."

My mother. 
She says my hair is thinning. 
Does she know why. 

I am never eating again. 
And that's a silly thing to say. 
But that's it. 
That's the last straw. 

War on thyself has commenced. 
"What happened, you gained weight and let yourself go."

My mother. 
She says my hair is thinning. 
Does she know why. 

I am never eating again. 
And that's a silly thing to say. 
But that's it. 
That's the last straw. 

War on thyself has commenced. 
My whole family is taking about how my hair is thinning. They're asking me why, I can't tell them. 
Hiccuping is frightening when you're bulimic. 

26.11.13

I had a dream of a tsunami last night.
And this scares me because it means that repressed memories are about to come out.
And this happened last time I had a tsunami dream.
And I am about to see Bryce.
And the only times that I've had a repressed memory come out was with him.
And So I don't want anymore.
I don't need anymore.

But I am excited to see him.
I haven't slept with him nor seen him since Jan 1st of 2013.
And Bryan was the last person I slept with on the 7th.
I am seeing Bryce before I ever see Bryan.
And that is the destiny that I created on New Years.

In my dream last night, I was in Santa Cruz.
And I kept bumping into Bryan.
I'd wave at him. Throw him a peace sign.
It was fine for me.
I hate that he climbs into my dreams.
I don't think of him much.
But my dreams are always making him beg for my forgiveness.
My dreams of Bryan always consist of him begging me back.
Or just trying to hook up with me.
And I don't want to because I know it's not worth it.
Ah, but I give in because he is comfort.

Also, I've been more bulimic than I have been since I have moved to New York.
And I'll be honest to you that it's the pressure of returning to California that let my guard down.
I was extremely skinny when I left.
I was so beautiful.
I am done with throwing up, I hope.
I have been eating less and less.
And I hope to maintain that.
My hair is falling out.
And it's always so frustrating how quickly that happens.
My body always degrades so quickly.
I think to tell me that it has no patience for this.

I am so excited to see Bryce.
He went through the effort to change his schedule around.
To see me.
And he told me that I was the best sex of his life.
And that also puts some pressure on me to uphold that.
And to have a beautiful body.
Because we have both been fantasizing about each other.
As we go to sleep.
And it's been a year since we've seen each other.
And it's carried on for that long.
I just really want to.
Have this time.

14.11.13

This dream has left me in shock.
It was a series of lucid dreams within my normal dreams.
I was at parties in my dreams.
At the SchoolHaus
But it didn't look like the SchoolHaus
And in these parties, 
I would curl up and fall asleep.
One time, a guy came up and curled around me.
I didn't know if it was real or a dream within my dream.
So, I lucidly reached for his arm and grabbed him.
And I conquered the barrier within consciousness and dreaming.
Within a dream.
And I started grooving with this guy.
I wouldn't kiss him.
Or touch him.
But I just let him feel me around.
And he gets on top of me.
And it's as if I woke up in that moment.
I push him off and tell him I don't want to do anything.
And he's just embarrassed, 
And everyone is looking at us.
And I can see my naked legs.
He is sitting next to me getting dressed.
I apologize and apologize.
It all was just me testing reality.
But as I speak my sorries, he seemed to forget who I was.
And then I truly wake.
Still at the party.
Just alone.
And keep in mind, here.
That this lucid dream was within my actual dream.
And I don't really consider my actual dream to have been lucid.
Though I could feel everything I felt mentally and physically.

I am having a part at my house.
Which looked so different.
Derek was still my room mate.
But I have this memory of standing in my laundry room.
A mixture of brick wall and wood.
With grafitti thickly covering.
And I was thinking about how Bryan used to live there.
Though this was never the case.
Throughout my whole entire dream,
I keep seeing people at these parties.
And they are a friend of mine.
But they change into someone else as I come closer and speak to them.
Or when I wake from my dream.
There were two people who I thought were another two.
And so, I fall asleep at me party.
And I dreamed that I was back at the Corinthian.
I see my Rob who I met here in Brooklyn.
The floors are wooden.
I slide myself to him.
Because of the last instance with the lucid guy,
I used my lucid power within this dream
To have a moment with this boy.

I wake.

The next day, I am walking right outside of my house.
It's in this alley way
With vendors on both sides.
This voodoo woman.
I guess we knew each other.
Just from repeated sight.
She is selling these beautiful ponchos.
That are meant to hold babies like kangaroos.
And they have zippers.
Well, I can't remember the act,
But someone was rude to her.
And I turn around and come to her.
I tell her I love the poncho,
And she tells me that she does as well though she does not have a child to fill it.
I enter her small area, but it expands.
And she tells me that I'm about to go through something.
She holds my hands, and a tingle runs through my entire body.
And sherly up the back on my neck.
I look at my hand after she releases,
And she put a small splinter into my ring finger.

The rest of this dream is a mess.
A mess of waking and falling back so quickly.
She stood by her jewelry display as I fell victim to my sleep.
I would fall and have lucid lucid dreams.
Wake for a moment to try to get myself out of them.
And fall back so quickly.
I was fighting myself.
And I fought the urge to convulse.
But I finally gave in.
Convulsing at an uneven pattern of time at first.
And then more regularly and constant.
I had a lucid dream I was with the woman.
Looking down from a bridge in the mountains down onto a river.
However, in my mind, this was New York.
And I watch as I see huge dolphins.
And submarines.
I thought it was odd until I saw killer whales, 
and I knew that something was irregular.
There was a bridge splitting the river.
The whales swam under it,
And I look to the right side of the bridge.
I watch what I thought was a killer whale turn now into a bull.
WIth the same colouring.
The same skin.
Prancing from my side of the river to the other.
Parallel with the bridge.
And there are quite a few.
As they pranced, the water turned to earth.
But there were killer whales and dolphins congregating with them
at the opposite side of the mountain.
Somehow floating in water still.

I convulsed, and I convulsed.
And I can't tell where I was convulsing.
In my sleeping state in my dream.
Or in my sleeping state in reality.
I convulsed, and I convulsed.
The voodoo woman watched over me with care and protection.
I forced myself awake when my phone rang.

13.11.13

Bulimiiiiiiaaaaaa. 

2.11.13

Even this cigarette can not stop me from crying. 
Today I realized that all relationships change overtime. 
All of them 
I am swallowing this panic attack. 
I just feel betrayed. 
And this makes me feel lonely. 
Not betrayed, but not stood up for. 
I feel like Liza being okay with Clara makes it okay what she did. 
Like I am the only one who is going to stand up for myself. 
And I don't think that anyone has the right to tell people who to be friends with. 
But this is a feeling inside of me that I can't shake. 
And reality can't overtake how I feel. 
I don't think that Liza loves me as much as she used to. 
And this is the reality setting in. 
That our friendship has changed since Ny. 
We are separate. 
And there isn't a voodoo between us. 
I am myself. 
I am alone. 
And I am the only one who will demand respect and stand up for myself. 
Gluttony is conquered. 
I eat enough to live. 
But my bones. 
My shape. 
Ooo na na. 
I love the way my face looks when I'm thin. 
I love being thin!
It cures so much anxiety. 


But I am loveless. 
Shea says he falls in love with everyone. 
I love myself and my friends. 

I love being thin. 

Shea is interesting and fucked up. 
But a dangerous mess. 
Sahara's mom foretold this. 
But even if there wasn't a fortune told. 
I would have been aware. 

I have much to tell. 
But I don't care to tell it yet.