26.11.13

I had a dream of a tsunami last night.
And this scares me because it means that repressed memories are about to come out.
And this happened last time I had a tsunami dream.
And I am about to see Bryce.
And the only times that I've had a repressed memory come out was with him.
And So I don't want anymore.
I don't need anymore.

But I am excited to see him.
I haven't slept with him nor seen him since Jan 1st of 2013.
And Bryan was the last person I slept with on the 7th.
I am seeing Bryce before I ever see Bryan.
And that is the destiny that I created on New Years.

In my dream last night, I was in Santa Cruz.
And I kept bumping into Bryan.
I'd wave at him. Throw him a peace sign.
It was fine for me.
I hate that he climbs into my dreams.
I don't think of him much.
But my dreams are always making him beg for my forgiveness.
My dreams of Bryan always consist of him begging me back.
Or just trying to hook up with me.
And I don't want to because I know it's not worth it.
Ah, but I give in because he is comfort.

Also, I've been more bulimic than I have been since I have moved to New York.
And I'll be honest to you that it's the pressure of returning to California that let my guard down.
I was extremely skinny when I left.
I was so beautiful.
I am done with throwing up, I hope.
I have been eating less and less.
And I hope to maintain that.
My hair is falling out.
And it's always so frustrating how quickly that happens.
My body always degrades so quickly.
I think to tell me that it has no patience for this.

I am so excited to see Bryce.
He went through the effort to change his schedule around.
To see me.
And he told me that I was the best sex of his life.
And that also puts some pressure on me to uphold that.
And to have a beautiful body.
Because we have both been fantasizing about each other.
As we go to sleep.
And it's been a year since we've seen each other.
And it's carried on for that long.
I just really want to.
Have this time.

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