25.12.13

I feel like I should be more creative, so I'm going to only write, photo, jam, paint, whateva is cleva, but I don't want to state at screens. 

24.12.13

I feel as though I need to be more selfless. 

23.12.13

I feel better this morning, but still have about ten pounds to go.
By the time that I return to New York,
I will be mysf again.  
I have no other option. 
I've found two meth pipes in my room. 
But I hope their old. 
I believe him when he says he doesn't do it anymore. 

But they don't smell like hash. 
So I know...

22.12.13

I don't have panic attacks anymore. 
Just the overwhelming sense of something wrong at all times 
I wish I had no family so that I could do what ever I want. 

I have this urge to leave this country. 
I want to shock my mind into feeling something. 

It becomes greater and greater, the sense that I am empty. 
And it becomes greater and greater, my need to cease that. 

However, it is impossible. 


What if the devil did take me that night. 
I wish I had no family so that I could do what ever I want. 

I have this urge to leave this country. 
I want to shock my mind into feeling something. 

It becomes greater and greater, the sense that I am empty. 
And it becomes greater and greater, my need to cease that. 

However, it is impossible. 


What if the devil did take me that night. 
I almost cried. 
I tried to let myself. 
But it never happens. 
My obesity is alarming and rising though I have changed my habits for the most part. 
I hope this is due to my upcoming woman explosion. 
I am so ashamed. 
I haven't weight nor looked like this since eighteen. 
I put on six six pants today, and they fit. 
I was a size one once. 
I was. 
Where did I go. 
This isn't me. 
I can't starve myself. 
I literally can't. 

But this is horrible!

Today I had two mandarins, mango, two bananas, one sugar cookie that was pretty small, a bowl of soup, a cup of coffee, two cups of black tea, some flat bread and hummus, and I am on my first glass of wine. 

21.12.13

Today I had two mandarins, mango, two bananas, one sugar cookie that was pretty small, a bowl of soup, a cup of coffee, two cups of black tea, some flat bread and hummus, and I am on my first glass of wine. 
Okay. 
Even when I just moved to Ny, I was thinner. 
I have become something horrible. 
Coffee in the morning and nothing else except for fruit if I break. 
And drink coffee and coffee and coffee. 
Cigarettes and tea. 
And um get to dads. 
And try new pills. 
If I fuck up, tea. 
Follow all mental rules. 

20.12.13

This weight is the cause of my lack of control in life. 

19.12.13

Clara put things in perspective.
I am doing too many drugs.

I also think I'm anemic. 
I also know that I did this to myself.

I feel as if I have focused on meeting new people.
Which is great.
But at the same time, 
Being around my skat pak helps keep me balanced.
And it is yet another aspect as to why I have gone insane recently.
I considered throwing up today.
But it wasn't much of a battle.
My hair is falling out from it.
I can't.
And that explains why I have had a hard time leaving my bed.
And have fallen to lucid dreams.
Because of bulimia.
I have things to say.
But it is exhausting to even type them.
I have been thinking so much.
I've gone mad inside of my mind.
I did Dmt.
And munched on some shrooms.
A couple days ago.
I wish I could just hide myself for two weeks.
Until I am fixed.
But, no, I am to run around California.
I am a never ending jumping bean.

14.12.13

I didn't eat yesterday
Did Molly 
Coke
Drank tequila
Bought Dmt
Played St James Infirmary with a beautiful man. 
Sang together
And I'm going to grab him tonight 
And put my face onto his. 
Yes I am. 

12.12.13

My gluttony is the cause of my lack of sex drive. 
I will be divine. 
I will conquer once again 
I will be powerful. 
I will have control. 

3
2
1

10.12.13

So I have gone through a realization. 
And that is that this year and a half. 
Of horrible things. 
I have silenced myself. 
And attempted at full control of my emotions. 
And when I say that, I mean silencing anything negative.
And of course this is why I have had the ailment of many panic attacks. 
But I have realized. 
That it has taken a toll on me. 
And because everything was silent.
I wasn't aware that it was happening.
My depression last night was thick.
To realize what I have done to myself. 
I have resorted back to my habits of eighteen years old.
Bulimia and drugs. 
My mind has taken the toll for me. 
As well as my hair falling out. 
And this also aids my lack of sexuality. 
So I am to eat instead of starvig myself.
And keep my food if I fuck up. 
And if I'm unhappy with what I ate, let that be a lesson not to be such a sloth. 
I am to go to the gym during my time in California.
I am to make decisions based on what is best for my future and for my health. 
I am to respect myself. 
I have taken such a step back.
And it is so disappointing and shameful. 
I want power and control.
And now that I have all of this silenced within myself, 
I am to feel these things.
And what a worse time than winter. 
It is snowing which is beautiful. 
But also frightening. 
This is survival. 
And with myself dead inside.
That is a task on its own. 
I want to hide myself until I am fixed. 
But I don't have any time to hide inside of my own home. 
I won't be in my own home for long. 
And so I will interact and socialize. 
With all of this brooding in my head.
And it is going to be hard not to seek people's consoling. 
I don't know if I should stay silent. 
Or vocalize these things in order to solidify them. 

9.12.13

I am so ashamed.
I simply have this feeling in my chest.
Of disappointment in myself.
It has come to the point.
Where I have been bulimic for three weeks.
And my hair has fallen out too much.
My hair is too thin 
No more bile. 

6.12.13

Vile
A heart attack up for trail
My bile has returned for the while

She sings as she walks down the raining street
Winter is a crime when you're in New York Sweet
She gags the same vocal chords that woo you to sleep
In order to gain the pleasure when she and folks meet

The flowers have gone with the warmth that we miss 
Staining her insides like the photos she prints
But without the idodine and bleach that burns it to grits 
There are other ways for her to maintain within her wits

The record player has gone on too long
Ya know
The album is skipping
She left for the show

A burning stomach leaves fire in her skull
The white of her eyes have become all that is shown 
Rolled back in her head
Thirsty mind leaves ya dead
Baby remembers 
When she's put to bed

Remember, remember 
Ya mind is bad weather
Guttenous functions 
Diseased when you clever

I sit in the chair
Waiting for baby candy cane
She's not to return
For she has forgotten my name.