10.12.13

So I have gone through a realization. 
And that is that this year and a half. 
Of horrible things. 
I have silenced myself. 
And attempted at full control of my emotions. 
And when I say that, I mean silencing anything negative.
And of course this is why I have had the ailment of many panic attacks. 
But I have realized. 
That it has taken a toll on me. 
And because everything was silent.
I wasn't aware that it was happening.
My depression last night was thick.
To realize what I have done to myself. 
I have resorted back to my habits of eighteen years old.
Bulimia and drugs. 
My mind has taken the toll for me. 
As well as my hair falling out. 
And this also aids my lack of sexuality. 
So I am to eat instead of starvig myself.
And keep my food if I fuck up. 
And if I'm unhappy with what I ate, let that be a lesson not to be such a sloth. 
I am to go to the gym during my time in California.
I am to make decisions based on what is best for my future and for my health. 
I am to respect myself. 
I have taken such a step back.
And it is so disappointing and shameful. 
I want power and control.
And now that I have all of this silenced within myself, 
I am to feel these things.
And what a worse time than winter. 
It is snowing which is beautiful. 
But also frightening. 
This is survival. 
And with myself dead inside.
That is a task on its own. 
I want to hide myself until I am fixed. 
But I don't have any time to hide inside of my own home. 
I won't be in my own home for long. 
And so I will interact and socialize. 
With all of this brooding in my head.
And it is going to be hard not to seek people's consoling. 
I don't know if I should stay silent. 
Or vocalize these things in order to solidify them. 

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