25.12.14

Woke up and decided to be bulimic today 

Just 
For
Today 

23.12.14

I feel like I can't masturbate
Because I would think of him when I did
I tried last night
To think of other things
But god damnit, he found his way on top of me

What is this.
I don't think I have emotions for the human he is
But I do for the sex we had

18.12.14

Gimme yer booze
Hate the way you tie yer shoes 
His smile so deep 
But it don't cure tha Bluez

And 
Am 

Encapsulated 
Within my own sheets 
Because
I remember 
The nights in between 
Anti love

Am 

Only dripping in 
Desires saturated by the past 
I can't look this man in the eyes 
Because I can't have violence come back 

And 
Am 

A heart attack that whispers 
My bones are butter melting 
We became liquid 
So I drip across the country 

If only silence wasn't my reaction, then maybe it would be more understandable 
Muscles twitch to the touch
My mouth is on the liquid handle 

Are you disinterested from my vacant stare 
The walls know I care
I tell them the secrets I don't share 

And
His 
Hair

Is the way that I stare in lucid dreams 
He said he wasn't special
Underneath my sheets

I was willing to
Conquer such a thing to say
But though he celebrate,
I don't see him today 
There is nothing other than full glasses to indulge in
And the spliffs that roll off my fingers 

I keep lingering 
With you in my mind as I touch myself 
Is this orgasm okay
Or something to feel guilty about 

They are 
Crumbling stars 
That take it too far
He looks like shit
But I'm not 
Committed enough to say that he looks like he's going through something bad 
I like the way he mad
Until I pay for his cab 

Two of them came over while on heroin
And I did a bad drug the night before in order to make a movie
We all fall asleep in the living room 
I awake in and out to shoveling and moving 

Once I'm conscious, I'm alone in Claud home 
And every time that my mind returns, I remember 
I got this gut spilling out into the wrong places 
Too ashamed to show my faces

She keeps saying come and see me 
I'm don't tell her why I ain't leaving 

I'm a melted form of concentrated pure emotion
Let me walk alone
Run away to homeland

I don't appreciate the way that I am weak on knees for skin

I don't appreciate 
The way
That
Think of him

She too weak to open her mouth like it's filled with black clouds 
don't listen if I ain't shoutin' 
ain't got long enough legs for the vulnerable mountain 

It's really a shame that I keep reflecting on my childhood in the puddles that soak the feet of New York streets 
everyone gets mad at me 
I'm sorry that I made a mess with my emotions 
I didn't even know that they existed 
I keep on missin' 
moments 
that never even happened, 
but when I hear her singin',
it's like there's a soul to be grabbin' 

Once again, 
I'm running across the country to baby days, 
and I know that I'm about to be forgotten like every single time 
it's how I can decipher what's family 
and what's only one glass of wine 
I'm 

Also sorry that I've grown a monotone expression and reaction to everything that you do 
it's that fall was a bad time two years ago 
I swallowed every panic attack, 
and I think the ghosts of the unsurfaced are still trying to climb out of my throat

I'm going back, 
and he's expecting to be in a dream with me, 
but I don't think I could ever say 
hey 
the head was really good, and we were best friends, 
but the sex wasn't as good for me as it was for you, 
and I'm not in love I never was 
I feel nothing you should have known that you're not an exception, 
But can I still mention 
That maybe he is even though it makes me want to release this bile vomit that keeps bubbling and bubbling every time I ask myself what is happening with that velvet skin that returns every now and again 

I wouldn't want an answer if there wasn't an airplane with my name on it 
I wouldn't ask for my things back yet 

But at least I'll have my favorite scarf when I'm living back into the voodoo days that hold the first Claud Haus ever born, 
and I'm in the arms of people who pointed their fingers in between my two eyes and told me that's where your heart is can you feel it 

I am no longer those car crashes or his fists on my face arms around my neck 
I am no longer his addictions that ruined our family for a time or the email saying sorry you almost died, but you're fired because you sent us the message in the wrong location,
and I am not related to the face that the only man I've loved withheld sex from me 
I am not the reason why you told me I was the bad once for forced sexual experiences 
Or the reason why I felt impure since six years old 
or my bedroom where I would wake up and sniff up my cocaine for breakfast or the same streets where I sat next to old men in cars driving me home just because my thumb was out, and all I did was disappoint their erect fleshy piece of shit excuse for penetrating pleasures 
I am none of this shit because I measure
up to human being endeavors
based on delicate tendencies 
I only say I love you if you lovin' me 
If I'm incomplete, 
I should starve 

I should
Remember that 

16.12.14

I am sad
I could either binge 
Or starve 

I will starve so I could at least be happy somehow 
Alone and sitting on this bench humming to myself 
I met him one night at a party in the summer 
And we ended up on the subway together. 
I see him at school, and he looks at me with huge owl eyes like we're supposed to fall in love 
But I could never love a white blonde boy with blue eyes 

She keeps staring at my ribs I don't know her I wish I was invisible today 
And I was thinking that as I was walking my mile to school how much I wish I had some shades on to become an unseen ghost
It's interesting how we can hide if they just don't see our eyes 

I'm troubling myself for no reason 
I felt like crying walking home yesterday, and I asked myself why, and there was no answer only simple anxiety 
The sun was up, but it felt like nighttime 

This time of the year always brings me back to what happened two years ago 
It's not that I still feel pain about it
I just remember feeling it 

I want to go crazy now I want to run on the streets that remember my name and scream and scream about how happy and free I am I gotta stay away from drugs, but that's not going to happen 
I gotta stop this fear of vulnerability inside of me, but that's not going to happen 
For now 

11:03 pm 151214

There's this never ending feeling 
Where I wish no one loves or knew me 
So I could leave the country
Re ignite my mind 

Live in the alias that is my present self 
Who isn't dragging their childhood behind them 

I've lived so many lives 
And I've been in a two year transition 
What is about to happen 

Am I doing drugs because the semester is ending, and I need release 
Or am I doing drugs because I'm finding some form of melted vulnerability within myself that feels so nice, but it's also so frightening that my eyes roll back into my head, and my chest becomes dust like it's always been 
My bones become what I slam against the sidewalk 
Every muscle in my body aches because I stopped tending to them
The constant nausea makes my hands shake 

I don't recognize myself in the mirror 
When did I grow up 
And when did I wake up with this man who is nice to me 

10:53 pm 151214

I'm on a bar stool 
Two drinks in 
After sleeping off this god damn shit I snorted at five am 

I'm doing drugs because everything is so great, I have to distance myself 
If I love, I'm dead 

Why is happiness bringing a troubled mind 

3:24am 151214

Snorted a line, 
And my right eye is swelling 
Constrained 
I can feel the right side of my brain 
Dehydrate 
Constrained 
I can feel my emotions dissipate 
Constrained 

12:02 am 151214

I ran into this old lover again.
He wants to photo me.
Everyone is mentioning my modeling.

Not the photos I take 'cause I aint takin’ them.

He asked to kiss me in the bar.
I said I was seeing someone.

I guess I am.
I wouldn’t want to kiss another.
So I’m at least seeing him in my voodoo eyes.

Old lover told me not to bring my boyfriend to the shoot.
I  said he wasn’t my boyfriend.
But I wouldn’t bring him.

It’s funny seeing an old one.
Because.
It’s like OH YOU RESPECT ME NOW?

ALL OF A SUDDEN?

He talked about how he is over his scene
And wants to spend more time getting stoned with me.
He reminisced saying that he likes how we have history.
But aren’t uncomfortable.
Right?

I say right,
I say it’s okay what you did.
You objectified me,
And I don’t care or hold you to it.
He is reassured.

She told me
“When someone first meets you, you’re so pure.
In the way that you act.
You see what you get.
But once someone knows you,
You’re like Marilyn Monroe.
A sex goddess  ”

Lauryn Hill takes me home.

I think of him
It’s horrible.
Every time I recognize my vulnerability,
I need to vomit.

But it’s nice to think of him.



1:52 pm 141214

He asked if I was gay, but I think he into me

5:10 am 141214

If I ever eat a full meal,
I sneeze out of nausea

Constantly 

5:09 am 141214

This returning human being
I don't get why he continues to return 
He called me fucked up
Says he can't pay for the cab
So I left the party to come and swipe my Damn atm card for this foo

I've realized that he is this mother fucker 
But for some reason I have a love inside of myself for him

I just hope he knows to respect me 

4:19 141214

Baby make more friends than tears

3:29 am 141214

I walked into the room and saw her
I always see her
I see her staring ferociously when I'm taking to her ex boyfriend

Two other girls
GIRLS. 
GIRLS
TALK
SO 
MUCH

Two other girls tell me that she had been watching me talk to him

I walk into the room 
And eye contact is sithering 

She beckons me
I sit don't and immediately say
Hey, I'm talking to Alex, but it's platonic I still respect you. 

She just cries
God, when a woman cries 

I hold her and she cries and cries about how how guilty she is for what she did

And I told her 
I see you as a good person 
But you hurt me 
And you knew you were hurting me 
My soul can't help but caress you 


9:25 131214

I remember what she told me about him
I cry

When I found out 
My face
Turned into butter 

9:20 131214

9p I'm already drunk because
What the hell else do I do with myself 
It's often that I feel nothing 
Are most people consumed by emotions?
I guess that I feel them 
But once I am consciously aware of such things,
They disappear 

I am made of tequila as I am meant to be, it seems 
People are upset about the government and the world that surrounds us
And I recognize all of these circumstances  
But I have these deep battles internally
That I feel I must conquer beforehand 

I think that I'm dead
A corpse floating through Manhattan

I am none of these people
And none of them are me

Sometimes, I look at this man, and I feel so many things 
It usually comes with skin

But I quickly forget 
And aspire to regaining my intensity

I ways return 
To the ghost state 

Maybe I'm not created to love anyone other than my friends and myself 

3:39 am 131214

Taxi man drive me home
I've got some bitter words to tha bones
I could suppose
That I still thrive in palpitations
I forget about every ounce of my patience 

There's never enough tequila to please me
Am I leaving

Or bound to follow after skin that holds what I attempt 
If I feel so good, how come I still find myself bent
Inside of those spiraling twirls that encapsulate the way that I unfurl my gravity inside of societal world 
I am full 
Of

Observations that make me swim in surreal waters
She pushes and bothers 
But listens to charmers 

I'll choke on this stogey smoke until I don't rememba tha bloke
She don't say goodbye look me in the eyes like we introduced ourselves 
You so fine I ain't trying to get into some form of challenging spells
I wish you the sun and the windbells
Whatever you like to placate your mind 
Humans alone if they don't intwine 

I'm 
I'm 
As melted as a liquid dream 
Causing disasters under laundered sheets 
We
Only say what me mean if we mean it
If not, we got no point in vocal screamins 

He wore metallic lipstick for a statement

But I've found my body solidified in this concentrated saturation of mass
Creating shoulders into stones, drag me home 
The ground grows roots and takes hold of
Mailable miniature crawling mongrels like myself
I promised to murder bad hell 

I leave alone 
Oh my oh well 

2:36 pm 111214

Is my hair even in muh head 

11:20 pm 10/12/14

I was already drinking by myself,
But I ran away to a bar in order to surround myself with babylovin’.
But the second i show up, she just says his name over and over again.
And she feels more excitement than I do .
I’m at this point where the sweetness is giving me fear of rotting teeth.
I don’t want to tell them about it.
I don’t know what to say.
It’s something that is occurring in my life, and it’s cool.
But I don’t know what to tell them.
I feel like she’s a little uncomfortable because we used to be the soulless ones together while everyone else fell in love.
And though that might not necessarily be the statement that I’m claiming,
I’m not cold with her no longer.
I haven’t wanted to be
She’s uncomfortable.
I'm uncomfortable.
Because everyone is staring at my dimples and thinks that they have as deep of a meaning as deep as they cave into my face.
I just don’t know what to tell them.
I’m in a surreal stance within my life.
And I’m letting it float and float until it let’s me know what’s going on.
So I smoke my cigarette walking home after chugging as much booze as I could in one moment.
With a failed attempt to leave my mind.
Only to find myself engulfed.

11:05 pm 10/12/14

I’d like to tell you 
That the shit you spit
Is committed 

To the grit and grime
That swims with the spines
Up and a down a-mine 
I could tell you over glasses of wine
That it’s these times 

That mesmerize my dreams 
And squirm inside of my body like beans 
Made to jump from country to country
Comprehend what I mean

I’m always a-running’ away when I begin some loving form of skin to skin recitation 
It’s my proclamation 
To remind you of my patience 

And this way that we move together is my own form of self respect
You haven’t done me best, 
But it’s been better than the rest, 

So though I may be a ghost 
That floats out of control 
And sometimes carry 
A dehydrated part of my soul,
Don’t forget what I told. 

No matter what, 
I’ll crawl my way home.

1:34 pm 10/12/14

I can feel my heartbeat in my clit when I sit like this 

10:14 am 10/12/14

Sitting on the 6 train on my way to the Met for class, and I have decided that I'm actually not going to go it is liberating and a very stupid decision 

10:30 pm 9/12/14

I feel very calm, but I think I’m actually stressed and am constantly consuming substances to avoid experiencing that.

5:28 am 9/12/14

I dreamt that three older men tried to take me in the night each at different times, and I fought all of them off and called them out and yelled at them it was the first time I haven't been passive in my dreams maybe I am growing strength 

9:35 pm 8/12/14

I keep staring at people to get them to look back at me I don't know where this need for connection comes from

I take them home with me
They live in the walls and watch me dance 

Sometimes, I stop when I feel them
Sometimes, I'm shy. 

9:34 pm 8/12/14

My blood runs thin, and my limbs are dying
With these needle prickling muscles that have become wasted away
Living off of tequila don't take ya to tha grave 

6:36 pm 8/12/14

I think that my comfortablitily in loneliness depends on whether I feel like I’m being watched or not

1:59 am 8/12/14

Damn do you rememba
When we had other words to say
I keep walking by places where I felt like I should look up to see the sky,
She take
But don't stay for a while 

She told me she remembers when we used to be that baby sweet 
Like the shit that rots your teeth
But do you even remember me 

I used to have to pull over because I was crying too hard to drive,
And I would show up to work and smile for eight hours holding the freezer door shut with shaking bones, and my head staring at the ceiling chugging this chocolate stout that's supposed to be for a beer float, but it's to steady my hands and keep me from sitting in the bathroom stall with hyperventilations a that are still stuck in the Orange painted walls of the women's restroom of burger. 

I'm going back to Young Little streets 
Laying naked in bed with her planning out psychedelic binges hovering over the claudz 
I'll scream even if I ain't loud

Do you hear the way that I shudder deep in these sleepless moonlit sweats writhing in claud bed wondering what the hell happened to my life why am I happy how am I 

13.12.14

I don't know I'm confused 

11.12.14

I've been avoiding this.
But this place is safe, right?
No one reads this.
No one knows about this.
I just feel like people know when I write about them.
It's 6:45 pm
I'm stoned and drunk
And that's because I fucking want to be
I'm seeing this man
And I like him
When he's gone,
My feelings fade with every day
I think it's a secret insecurity in me

But I want him to return every time
So my assessment
With the addition of the way my body feels
Is that I'm having really bad anxiety,
And it's making my soul dry
I'm always empty when I'm anxious
So I think that I like him
I'm not having fearful thoughts
I'm calm in my mind
And great in personal strength

But my body is so nervous
I think that i'm just swallowing my emotions
And they're stuck in my blood.

So I think that I like him
And based on his actions and words,
I assume that he reciprocates such a thing.
He asked if I was gay, but I think he want me.

10.12.14

It’s that I always got to be consuming
I think that my mind is too fast for my body,
So I need to compensate through some kind of constant motion that ends up like a white noise dulling my rapid thoughts down to something more stagnant. 
But what do you do
You’re either shoving something inside of a part of you, or you’re creating something with your body. 
I’m either smoking something, drinking something, eating something
Or panting, photographing, singing, dancing, writing.
I feel like we have two options when it comes to exerting our energy, and that is to either consume or release
Maybe I need to find more things to consume and more things to release.
There must be something missing if I always have this sense of…
Well maybe if I could define the sense first, I could then murder it.
It’s not dissatisfaction because I really feel like everything is going well.
It’s  
discontent?
Is there a god damn difference between the two?
It’s anxiety it’s anxiety that has no reason, and 
I always find myself running through the woods in my mind searching for reasons.
Diving down into traumatized depths and digging up graves with headstones that read Jo and Young Little.
Everything is fine.
Everything is fine.
Anxiety is the ailment of pure relaxation. 

8.12.14

I keep staring at people to get them to look back at me I don't know where this need for connection comes from

I take them home with me
They live in the walls and watch me dance 

Sometimes, I stop when I feel them
Sometimes, I'm shy. 
Damn do you rememba
When we had other words to say
I keep walking by places where I felt like I should look up to see the sky,
She take
But don't stay for a while 

She told me she remembers when we used to be that baby sweet 
Like the shit that rots your teeth
But do you even remember me 

I used to have to pull over because I was crying too hard to drive,
And I would show up to work and smile for eight hours holding the freezer door shut with shaking bones, and my head staring at the ceiling chugging this chocolate stout that's supposed to be for a beer float, but it's to steady my hands and keep me from sitting in the bathroom stall with hyperventilations a that are still stuck in the Orange painted walls of the women's restroom of burger. 

I'm going back to Young Little streets 
Laying naked in bed with her planning out psychedelic binges hovering over the claudz 
I'll scream even if I ain't loud

Do you hear the way that I shudder deep in these sleepless moonlit sweats writhing in claud bed wondering what the hell happened to my life why am I happy how am I