24.2.14

*-"You're Masha! I've heard a lot of about you. You have a lot to live up to, ya know."


*-"Masha, I met you at Wreck Room."


*-"Hey Masha! You still getting pounds from California, can I get in on that?"

23.2.14

It was so quick and so much all at once.
I heard sirens, and the squeals of a care like a pig in pain.
It was this dirty tan minivan, and I can't explain exactly,
But from my memory, it was missing its hubcaps, and maybe part of the bumper was off.
I looked up to hear the squeals, and the van is driving erratically and turning so sharply that it's teetering on tha edge.
Immediately, it slams into this silver suburban, and drives a few feet on.
The suburban instantly exploded with it's safety air bags, but they just looked like smoke.
The man who was running from the cops stopped his car in the intersection of Flushing and Evergreen.
I watch him run as three cops chase him.
One cop was motioning to the other cop cars behind them pointing to where the man was running.
And he ran in the slow motion manner that you do so in a dream.
And I watch and watch and wait for the people in the car to get out.
They took so long.
They were probably so frozen.
The man in the driver's seat opens the door, but he stays inside for a moment most likely still gathering himself.
He climbs out having a hard time getting around the marshmallow balloon of an air bag.
And I watch, the passenger door opens, and it's his wife.
I scream to them asking if they were okay, and he said that he was fine.
But what I really wanted to do was to run up and hug them and squeeze them and let all of my tears out.
And I think it was because watching that, it reminded me so much of my first car crash.
And I was in that car.
I saw it, but I felt it.
I was in the driver's seat.
I was there, I felt it.
I was them.
I watched as I held my hand over my heart.
And I couldn't breathe.
I counted eight cop cars and one black police van.
I counted I think a few over ten police.
I heard Eliza talking about how I was affected, and everyone was looking at my reaction, but I couldn't move or breathe or talk or interact.
And they told me we had to go.
I was walking as if something was in between my legs.
In short slow steps.
And I felt this panic attack coming.
And I wished that no one was there.
They kept asking me if I was okay,
Or saying look at Masha, awuh.
But I couldn't talk or interact.
And this man hollered at us from the van.
And it was the same thing that happened when I had a panic attack on Flushing ave.
Katy and Caylah started to squeeze my shoulders and have their arms around me.
And I just wanted to be alone because it's really uncomfortable having a panic attack.
But eventually, my face twisted and turned.
And I bawled.
I started bawling and bawling and bawling.
And that was the third time I have cried in a year and a half.
And I still feel as if my mind is floating.
And I feel very tired now.

19.2.14

Making out with people is luxurious when the night is growing, but young.
As we wither with the age of time that ends the day,
We lose the charm that keeps mystery at bay. 

But Doo Pop do things to see what's right and what's wrong. 
Ya make a mistake, so damn, ya move on. 
Maybe I don't want to recreate sweet little any longer. 
Walk ya home for more time, little mongrel. 

Gin, where do I begin, 
We take sips, but I'm pickled within. 




I hate living without my brother. 
He is the true other part of me.
A best friend. 
A son. 
My companion who has gone through and felt the only things that it have felt. 
Only us two. 

I hate living without him. 
I wish we lived together in my apartment. 

18.2.14

Here are some recent photos







Our first art show!


16.2.14

February 14th, a new moon told me. 
It has dawned on me that I have done the work that I needed to in order to conquer what must have been conquered. 

I am to be a prowless again. 
To conquer men out of independence and self respect. 

I bought a dildo that I can teach myself to deep throat once again.  
I mstersnate and imagine certain men giving me head, and it only makes me feel powerful. 
I lay in bed and smoke a cigarette after. 
And I go to the gym every morning for my muscles and stamina. 

I am going to be the best woman that is inside of me. 


I spent a bit over a year turning into Young Little again. 

But I am Naukie. 
Naukie, I am. 

Hear me roar. 
Scream my name. 

15.2.14

What it is to perspire for 
The surreality you imagine. 
It is not the easiest
When you're too numb to cause happenin'

I think that it is once again,
I am disappointed in my emptiness. 

When can I feel some sort of pinch into my skin 
Men are swindled by seas of women,
And I am satisfied within. 

It is nice to have the power that comes with absence of vulnerability. 
Though with such a fact, I withdrawal from that form of letting one into me. 

To be ones' own, you become a victim to the ghost. 
It is wrong that I know the devil loves me most. 

I writhe in the actions that have done me wrong since six years old. 
Regains my purity, but the feelings still bring the wrinkles of the old. 

Strawberry lollipops that I hand you,
Thrown onto the floor. 
I force an apology
Written onto the wall. 
You surprised I'm a white girl 
And can still dance like so. 
The way that you grind
On someone you don't know. 
Intensifies the form in which 
You easily let go. 

I'm always surrounded. 
But always alone. 

To admit that maybe. 
I crave a bodied home. 

Maybe empty ghost. 
Don't want to be only bones 
But to never admit. 
Because then weakness becomes shown.  

I want to never. 
Crave the clever. 
Way another 
Body may make me better. 
My love who will never be called baby agin. 

I said to her. 
"Only now, I realize what  a horrible relationship that was."
She says to me. 
"You were the only one who didn't know."



I ate four pieces of toast tonight. 
Cooked in butter.
Lathered in preservatives. 
He is too shy around me. 
So I have no problem shoving myself. 
Though I should react the opposite. 
To go to sleep hungry and powerful. 
Ah, but I smoke a cigarette.
And I say goodnight. 



What it is to truly feel nothing at every moment. 
My disappointment is present, but so weak that the bread was all I felt. 


Maybe when I'm in love [please never], I can feel some form of pain. 

14.2.14

Gaslighting 
False memory frightening 
It is the old ape who always
Reminds me of whining. 

Momma take me home
Because I can't make it, myself. 
If we murder together,
We may not end in hell. 
The stories that I tell. 
Are uncomfortable due to facts 
But the veracity is what brings
The babies to relax. 

I'm no good at love. 
And it's no inspiration of mine. 
For the only ones who have taken me. 
Awake into swine. 
It's tequila and gin
That make me smile more than anything else. 
I dance all night every time. 
My own form of romance. 

My bold and blunt words may make you tremble like a baby doo. 
But don't worry, sweet thang. 
All I want is for my lips to meet up with you. 

11.2.14

I'm not depressed, I'm just getting my period!
Why do I forget this every month!
This is the first time I've realized before it happened!
This is such a relief!
Everything is okay!
I can stop crawling through my mind!
Why don't love affairs come my way like they do to the other two musketeers. 

Is it because they aren't empty?
Is it because they want love. 
And I don't?

Because they always ache for it. 
And I avoid it. 

But does that really affect who falls in love with me. 
Just because I can't fall in love with them?

I enjoy my oddities. 
But I think that I'm a bit too odd to attract most people 
Quotes from Tha Little Prince

"It’s so mysterious, the land of tears."

"I need to put up with two or three caterpillars if I want to get to know the butterflies."

"If I were to command a general to turn into a seagull, and the general did not obey, that would not be the general’s fault. It would be mine."

"One must command from each what each can perform."

"It is much harder to judge yourself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself, it’s because you are truly a wise man."

"To vain men, other people are admirers."

"Vain men never hear anything but praise."

"But what is there about my admiration that interests you so much?"



"Drinking…

To forget

To forget that I’m ashamed

Of drinking!”

"Little golden things that make lazy people daydream." [stars]

"You’re not useful to the stars." [about a business man who owned the stars]

"That man would be despised by all the others…….Yet he’s the only one who doesn’t strike me as ridiculous. Perhaps it’s because he’s thinking of something besides himself."

[Ephemeral] “Threatened by imminent disappearance.”



"I wonder,"

"if the stars are lit up so that each one of us can find his own."



"I’m having difficulties with a flower."

"It’s also lonely with people."

"Anyone I touch, I send back to the land from which they came."



"But why do you always speak in riddles?"

-“I solve them all.”



"She’d really let herself die in order to humiliate me."



"What does tamed mean?"

-“To create ties.”

"But if you tame me, we’ll need each other."

-“There’s a flower… I think she’s tamed me…”



"The only things you learn are the things you tame."

"Language is the source of misunderstandings."



"What it costs to be happy!"

"I’ll never know when I should prepare my heart…"



"It’s the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important."

"No one is ever satisfied where he is."



"Only the children know what they’re looking for."

"They’re lucky."



"It’s good to have had a friend, even if you’re going to die."


"I noticed them in a dream."

"Words danced in my memory."


"The stars are beautiful because of a flower you don’t see…"

"Something sings in that silence…"

"What makes them beautiful is invisible!"

"It was born of our walk beneath the stars, the song of the pulley, of the effort of my arms…like a present."

"You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed."

"Your poison is good? You’re sure it won’t make me suffer long?"

"Instead of stars, a lot of tiny bells that know how to laugh."

Waking is so hard trying so hard. 


Fell back asleep and dreamed I was in a roller skate race. 
Saharah's brother, Dakotah, and I fought hard to stay out of last place. 
I still got last place. 

10.2.14

Flemish Renaissance 
Fetish mustard sauce 
Flesh cysts, sweaty flaunt
I'm dying in art history. 

Why can't I smoke a cigarette in the classroom. 
To help ease this swollen stomach. 
The sweet wine of last night 
Has left me as deathly as bubonic. 
Gin and tonic. 
True love, don't want it. 
I want skin and nonchalant. 
But I'm in art history. 
Flemish Renaissance.  

This monogamous class
Is no good for Molly's closed eyes. 
But in comes a mustached cat. 
To keep me alive. 
Revive. 
Regain myself after I die. 
We danced to the Darkside
Like delicious sauce. 
But I'm in art history. 
Flemish Renaissance.  
I feel as if I have confused this boy. 
I kissed him once. 
And when I see him, I am bold. 
But I think that he is a late bloomer. 
And excited about his recent success in beauty. 
And I remember when that happened to me and how I reacted. 
I feel as if he thought he's gain me quickly. 
But is realizing that it isn't so. 
And he is therefore attempting to confuse me as much as I confuse him. 
I don't really think I'm focused on his side of things. 
I'm just focused on how I feel and what I want. 
And I am patient, but sometimes I want it now. 
But he is now trying to make me wait as I am doing upon him. 

I'm going to delete his number to leave him alone and think of him less. 

Because I just want physical fun, and I don't want anything to make me a fool. 
I feel as if I have confused this boy. 
I kissed him once. 
And when I see him, I am bold. 
But I think that he is a late bloomer. 
And excited about his recent success in beauty. 
And I remember when that happened to me and how I reacted. 
I feel as if he thought he's gain me quickly. 
But is realizing that it isn't so. 
And he is therefore attempting to confuse me as much as I confuse him. 
I don't really think I'm focused on his side of things. 
I'm just focused on how I feel and what I want. 
And I am patient, but sometimes I want it now. 
But he is now trying to make me wait as I am doing upon him. 

I'm going to delete his number to leave him alone and think of him less. 

Because I just want physical fun, and I don't want anything to make me a fool. 
It is insignificant 
The weakness that can make me crawl on the floor
With the speckles of dirt that crust into the wrinkles on my knees
Anxiety is the loss of my own breath 
But so is the pacifying drag of a cigarette 
If I smile at you, you'll smile at me
And maybe that is simply what I need. 
My alarm didn't go off

9.2.14

I almost cried this morning. 
I had to stop myself and whipe my eyes. 

I told Gabi everything that happened to me. 

But she pinned me down and grabbed me everywhere so vulnerable. 

And when I told her no, she didn't listen. 






And today, I thought of Bryan who knew a little of what happened to me. 
But his fists still found my face. 
And his love still continued it's absence. 


Every person other than Minnell who I have loved with all of my heart has bruised me. 

And that leaves me confused and sad. 

And though reality tells me it is their faults that drive them. 
The consistent factor is myself. 
And it continues the thought that I am meant for that. 


I have to tell you my thoughts about this boy soon. 
When everyone goes home, and I can let my belly melt out. 

But not melt. 
I have never looked so good and healthy. 

And I love myself and am happy. 

I just want I have the sex I deserve. 
To be respected. 

Someone I care enough for. 
But someone that I don't care enough for. 
When Naukie wakes up. 





It's a red light, let's keep walkin'
There's a grind-like way we hoppin' 
Boop da loopin'
Manhattan streets
Baby's hips are movin'
We slangin' beatz
Can you repeat
How you feelin'
Us two making art to continue receivin'
Voodoo Luscious 
Can neva touch us
We float with powah
But you can't get up on dis

Got thuh music inside me 
Moving so deep
A present from VooDoo
A present for me. 
Big delicious
I'm anti-malicious
It's poetic, the way
That ya make me anxious
I want my hands
To pet you sweetly
But it's every night 
That I'm always leaving
Remember me when it's morning time, baby doo bop
The clever sea is the glory sweet spot
Let me serve you tequila when the sun is gone 
I may not stay over
But I enjoy when we groove along 
I've also decided to come back to Bombing and leave tumblr alone. 

People don't need to know. 
I  will do a tarot reading before bed. 
The wine warm inside me. 

Americans clean after a party 
Russians go to bed and clean in tha morning.  

7.2.14

I have a problem.
I want to get laid.
But the thing is that I can't give myself up.
I don't know or trust anyone enough.
I can't just be so free with sex.
Every time I think of it,
I just want to curl into a ball.

I either have to be sensitive to myself.
Or just be bold and go for it.
I don't think that sitting here and thinking about it is going to bring me to any conclusion.
I think that life will present me with situations.
And I make my decision in the moment.
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 
Cold forever. 

My soul comes never.

No one wants me when I'm depressed


When I am happy, I am objectified. 

Who sees me. 
What man will ever see me. 

6.2.14

It started with the Babetown meeting up in front of the SchooHause 
And Willy comes out, but doesn't acknowledge me
I come to say Hi, and he is being very cold and distant as he smokes his cigarette.
He asked what each was doing for the night,
He had no interest in joining me.
Clara was there yelling that we must go.
Willy leaves with Caylah, and they walk the other way.
It broke my heart.
And I black out.
We go to a party at Blenna's. 
I'm sitting around their round table.
And I see Macklemore, and that's how I knew it was a dream.
Because we shared shy stares last time.
There were these two women.
Who were old and pompous and rich.
They were so interested and fascinated by me.
But also mocked me in whatever language they spoke secretly to each other.
And I remembered them in the last dream I had.
 I was being ridiculous last dream because lucidity was trying to break through.
I didn't drink nearly a thing,
but I kept falling into these spells.
I thought I was drugged.
I would black out and wake up with this intense heaviness 
in another place confused and lost as to where I was.
I saw these women and told them I remembered speaking to them,
and they laughed at me.
 I remember in the last dream that when we said goodbye to each other,
I said a snide remark to one of them because I knew exactly what they thought of me.
So this one I snide to tells me she wants my information.
And as she is writing her information in my phone,
she tells me that I would be perfect for this movie that her friend is filming.
And her friend laughs.
Because this character must be a mad woman.
And I started to become really bummed about this disrespect
and how much of a kick they were getting out of it.
Some madame woman.
Some mad madame, I was to them!
 I got so fucking mad, I pulled the woman by her collar up to my face
and made her stare me in the eyes.
And I screamed at the top of my lungs at her.
I even called her a bitch which is very unlike me.
And I pushed her.
But I kept grabbing her arms and pulling her to me and apologizing.
They were shocked, but kept making fun of me.
 I realized that I made myself miss the opportunity to be in this movie.
I would love to be a mad madame, I admit it!
And I black out.
I re appear in what looks like a cold rainy suburbic area of San Francisco during the night.
It dawns on me what happened.
I run around trying to find a familiar building, but nothing.
I had such a hard time working my phone.
Just as I begin to call Clara,
I find her across the street.
Dwayne and his friends were there boppin' beats.
I told Clara that I was blacking out.
And so confused.
That I was sober, but thought I might be drugged.
I think that she followed me through my dream to protect me.
I told her that this was a dream.
And I black out.
I re appear at this bar.
All my friends are present.
And this beautiful tall black man comes in whom I saw earlier somewhere.
We stare at each other for a powerful moment.
Lexi comes up and sits next to me.
She tells she she's too drunk in this cutie oopsies way.
And I told her everything was okay and not to worry.
Because we were simply in my dream!
And I black out.
I'm on the street in some industrial area.
It's that time of the morning where you're still awake from the night.
The drugs withering off of you, stuck in the top of your head.
And you have this partial shame as you see other folks
in much better mental positions than you.
And your position is so obvious.
I realize that I don't have my fur coat, 
and I find it in a puddle of bum piss.
And at some point in my dream,
I found my drawing pad that I left on the sidewalk.
And this was still when it was dark.
It was covered, drenched, soaked
in bum piss!
And I didn't realize it was so,
And it was all fucking over me,
but I couldn't necessarily tell because I didn't have the power of my sense of smell, and it drove me mad.
Okay, so.
Back to picking up my fur coat.
I see these Cost wheat pastes, 
and I'm holding a big sticky wheat paste, myself.
 I see these people walk by.
Obese couple in all black wearing fedoras.
Aalking like they're dancing to the same songs in their heads.
Carrying this odd contraption with a huge stuffed animal puppy,
and I can hear them wheat pasting, too.
 I walk along beside them, 
and see that they ditched tha pup.
Theres this transport truck underneath a highway bridge.
As the back ramp swings from the bottom up,
I grab it and am swung to the top of the truck.
My arms somehow could reach either side,
and as the car started to drive, it was so enthralling
and I realized I was dreaming!
Man, we were soaring through what looked like the California hills
And my paisley hat stayed on.
My fur coat was just soaring behind me.
And I was so happy, it was beautiful, and the wind was refreshing in my face!
And I didn't feel as if I was drugged anymore!
The truck stops, 
and I see this boy next to the truck on land grinding on what looks like me.
So I pull him to the top of the truck, 
and I start to try to get with him,
but the truck driver says
"Hey you two kids, let me teach you how to do this right."
But I already know, old man!
I pulled the boy into the back of the truck which was some separated couch area.
I put him on his knees.
And made him give me head.
The End.

4.2.14

Bryan tried to throw a punch at me.
But it hit my funny bone, and I laughed, instead.
Also, I got nervous last night. 
And that made me feel like a little girl. 
I worked very hard on getting more comfortable. 
It was embarrassing that one of his songs made me cry, I had to swallow that immediately. 

I asked him "who are you taking home tonight"
He asked "what does that mean"
I told him he knew what I meant. 

He took too long to come home, and everyone had split off into couples. 
So I went home as he arrived. 

This is so drawn out. 
My body is so awesome. 
I'm not even anorexic. 

3.2.14

Also, I have never screamed so loud while touching myself before. 
I kissed him. 
His name is Willy. 

1.2.14

I KISSED HIM I KISSED HIM I KISSED HIM