23.2.14

It was so quick and so much all at once.
I heard sirens, and the squeals of a care like a pig in pain.
It was this dirty tan minivan, and I can't explain exactly,
But from my memory, it was missing its hubcaps, and maybe part of the bumper was off.
I looked up to hear the squeals, and the van is driving erratically and turning so sharply that it's teetering on tha edge.
Immediately, it slams into this silver suburban, and drives a few feet on.
The suburban instantly exploded with it's safety air bags, but they just looked like smoke.
The man who was running from the cops stopped his car in the intersection of Flushing and Evergreen.
I watch him run as three cops chase him.
One cop was motioning to the other cop cars behind them pointing to where the man was running.
And he ran in the slow motion manner that you do so in a dream.
And I watch and watch and wait for the people in the car to get out.
They took so long.
They were probably so frozen.
The man in the driver's seat opens the door, but he stays inside for a moment most likely still gathering himself.
He climbs out having a hard time getting around the marshmallow balloon of an air bag.
And I watch, the passenger door opens, and it's his wife.
I scream to them asking if they were okay, and he said that he was fine.
But what I really wanted to do was to run up and hug them and squeeze them and let all of my tears out.
And I think it was because watching that, it reminded me so much of my first car crash.
And I was in that car.
I saw it, but I felt it.
I was in the driver's seat.
I was there, I felt it.
I was them.
I watched as I held my hand over my heart.
And I couldn't breathe.
I counted eight cop cars and one black police van.
I counted I think a few over ten police.
I heard Eliza talking about how I was affected, and everyone was looking at my reaction, but I couldn't move or breathe or talk or interact.
And they told me we had to go.
I was walking as if something was in between my legs.
In short slow steps.
And I felt this panic attack coming.
And I wished that no one was there.
They kept asking me if I was okay,
Or saying look at Masha, awuh.
But I couldn't talk or interact.
And this man hollered at us from the van.
And it was the same thing that happened when I had a panic attack on Flushing ave.
Katy and Caylah started to squeeze my shoulders and have their arms around me.
And I just wanted to be alone because it's really uncomfortable having a panic attack.
But eventually, my face twisted and turned.
And I bawled.
I started bawling and bawling and bawling.
And that was the third time I have cried in a year and a half.
And I still feel as if my mind is floating.
And I feel very tired now.

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