27.3.14

Ordered pizza and cookies because I had to study, and that was my excuse.
Remember that this boy I want to play with is having a show the next night.
So I made myself throw everything up.
It was morbid.
I haven't done that in so long.
I just choked and choked on my fingers.
And would cough up vomit rather than simply releasing it because I was choking.
I'm not good at this anymore.
I'm too hasty.
It's no longer ritualistic.
And man, it would get stuck in my nose.
Such an uncomfortable feeling.
And I just knew before I even started what a fuck shit idea this was.
I don't know if it was staying up until 2:30 studying.
Or if it was the bile drenched action.
Probably both.
But waking up was so difficult.
I had a dream I was always hitch hiking.
And these men who were my friends would pick me up.
And I kept flirting with them and being touchy.
But I didn't want to sleep with them.
So I was much of a tease.
But I was drunk and wanted skin.

I have been thinking this morning.
I am lascivious, and I want it.
I talked to David about blacking out yesterday.
And he told me that I really have problems with sexual encounters.
Everyone has found it so funny about how I ams o upset for making out with a boy I don't know and not remembering it.
I feel like I have ruined my purity.
I feel like I have betrayed myself.
I have always been able to trust myself to uphold sexual morals despite any amount of inebriation.
It has scared the shit out of me that I broke that and that I didn't even know it happened until someone told me.

The boy was visiting a friend from Minnesota or something.
He said that we were talking, but he couldn't understand me because my accent was so thick.

It threw me into a spiral of darkness and evil.
But walking home from school the other day,
I reminded myself that happiness is in my power.
And I have been happy ever since.
I am disappointed in my vile.
But I must move forth.
I hope I'm skinny enough for the show today.
I don't think I am.
What do I do with this robust stomach.


I am finding motivation in art again.
I have been playing the guitar every day.
And partially devoting myself to Consistency of Carcasses.
And I am proud of them work.

I want to get laid, for fucks sake.
I also have been journaling a lot in a note book.
And want to type it up onto here.
So that I have good documentation of my life.
So that I can come back to this and understand these times that I am going through now.

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