28.3.14

So there was a party last night.
And I wanted to put in my work with Joe.
But it has come to me that he may have lost interest.
Because I made out with wrong boy.
At the party, I lured around the outside of his room.
He was distant and didn't give me much attention at all.
But I gave him attention. I saw him downstairs, Ethan came with me.
I saw him against the wall, and I started to talk to him.
I asked him if it was overwhelming to have so many parties and having the house trashed.
And he kept twitching and twitching and couldn't hear me.
i interrupted and asked him why he was twitching.
he told me he has tourettes, didn't I know?
I was surprised, oh okay, whatever.
Is it overwhelming to have so many parties?
I carried on casually as not to make him uncomfortable.
Also because it's not a big deal.
And he said no it's always like this.
And hey, I'm going to go...over there.
Left me there.
And I went into another room with Ethan.
Joe was there talking to others.
Left soon after.
I think that I'm overthinking he was running from me.
It shouldn't be such a big deal.
He shouldn't have such a reaction if so.
I looked beautiful last night.
And I should be forgiven for one night of tom foolery.
I don't truly bother.
That is the one thing I am grateful for when it comes to my soullessness and only desire for skin and no desire for love.

I spent the night talking to Lissette, and we bonded over the objectification of men, objectifying them, and the lust for but high standards when it comes to sex.
I slipped to her knowing that she was a virgin.
She asked me how I knew.
I bullshitted that she told me the other time she was drunk.

I saw the other Joe, and the past few times I've seen him, he has been so happy to see me and really likes to talk to me and laughs so generously at my jokes.
I think that over time that group of boys has learned to become attracted to me because I didn't put in effort for their acceptance.
They see my individual strength, I guess.
I talked to the boy who I tried to torture by breaking his plastic chair with a baseball bat.
We talked about it once we saw each other.
And he said,  you know, this is the only thing we ever talk about.
I said, you're right, and we carried on talking about other things.
I've got millions of stories to tell in order to hold a conversation.
And if you're into me, you'll listen and laugh.

Caylah was supposed to come with me to the party, but she just walked me and continued home when we arrived.
It bugged me, I didn't want to show up alone.
But there were a lot of friends waiting for me inside.
Ah, and I'm definitely okay alone.
We talked about bulimia.
I confessed to her that I made myself throw up,
And she confessed to me that she wanted to that day.
Telling my friends makes me feel like I'm owning up to what I've done.

I looked David in the face while he was talking to me.
And I reminded myself that I touched myself to him.
And I looked at how beautiful he is.
But I don't want him like that.
And I don't know that he wants me like that.
Just because Kim told me,
Because her boyfriend told her.
Well, that's what gossip does.
To be honest, I'll continue telling myself he's attracted to me because it leaves me flattered.
But I'll also maintain the reality that we are platonic.

Also, Lissette told me her side of her experience with David and how he was actually really mean to her, and that's so weird to hear.
She told me he's a hypocrite because he's a feminist, be she felt very used and objectified by him.
I feel like now that I'm crawling inside these groups of friends, I hear them talk about each other.
And I have to take these tales and be aware of others but not necessarily believe what I hear.
Because everyone has their perceptions of what happened.
And you never know what the other is going through or why they did what they did.
I saw Marci at the party, and she really loves me.
She told me that I'm always the happiest most positive girl in the world when she sees me.
And it is something that people see of me from the outside.
I am that girl.
But I am an extremist.
I am the happiest boop da looper.
But the most evil creature with the devil inside of me here to suck up all of the bliss anyone contains I want to destroy and destroy I want blood and death and I want to fucking take my hand and pull out everyone's intestines and throw them on the floor and break their skulls bash their brains into goop I want to swoon them and make them fall in love with me only to leave them psychologically destroyed.

You see my twist?

Met a girl, Claire.
I told her she looked so familiar, I see her at parties.
She told me she came to my party.
With Cody.
I heard his name, fell to the floor.
My heart is broken over his absence, and it gets worse.
Matve, a Russian boy will be in Moscow when I'm in Russia, and I'm going to drink and destroy with him, that cutie boots.

School has overwhelmed me and sucked me dry.
I fell, but I rose and fought back.
Making art.
Making art.
I thrive, and I feel again.
Had to read my artist statement to the class.
Had to describe Young Little.
Now everyone knows what happened to me.

Young Little has returned quietly and passively inside of me.
Because of the black out make out.
She is sad that I disrupted my morals.
She is crying that sexual interactions are still something of a mess for me.
Never positive.
Never positive.
I want respectful skin.
My patience is dead.
I'm a prowless.

Jo was here, she came with the flu and the anniversary.
She possessed me like she hasn't in years the night I blacked out.
I was a sad girl walking home from school one day, and I was becoming heavier and heavier with my stride.
I was thinking of the institutions.
But I reminded myself that I longed for freedom.
And here I am!!!!!
I AM FREE!!!!!
From that moment, I've been happy and alive.

I talk so much when I'm drunk.
With my ever growing accent.
It's shaming.
But that is me.
Take it.

I want to have sex so bad.
I miss male skin.
I want a brotha lova.
I want someone to share the need to get done ummmmalummz.

I've been playing guitar every day, it has regained my power.

I was sad that Gabe and Minz weren't in drawing class yesterday.
But during lunch break, I walk down the stairs.
And Gabe was waiting for me.
I started screaming and flying.
And bouncing and screaming
Screaming
Screaming
We flew all the way to Maggie Browns.
Where I had three Bloody Marias.
We talked about sex and sex and sex.
And we screamed and screamed and screamed.
Everyone knew.
i told him the story of San Francisco.
He told me his story that is similar to mine.
When it comes to your mother beating you up, choking you.
Running from the cops.
And being told you deserve it.

Applied to SVA gotta know gotta know.
Am I in.
Must be.

Aleck offered me neuro pain killers.
I considered it,
But I reminded myself that prescriptions make me feel dusty.
I also just don't really like drugs right now.
But a bumpalump of coke never comes without me coming along.
But that hasn't been for a while.

Drank two flasks of tequila to myself last night.
I'm back.

Murphy isn't coming.
I think he broke his sobriety and is scared to come to NY.

I want to leave this hoodlum home and most to East Village.
Especially since my dad is down.

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